SO ANGRY at my mother

adventureolive

So yesterday my boyfriend came over to our house for dinner, and after dinner my mother, boyfriend, and I were sitting on the couch in the living room. We were talking about this and that, buying a house, work, all the stuff that's happening in our lives. Then she asks me if I've thought about birth plans. I lie and tell her I haven't (when I know what I want- an natural water birth in a birth center). She told me a little about my siblings and I. She had 3 unmedicated homebirths, and was telling me this blissful stories about it.

Then she starts talking about my sister and my ex-SIL. My ex-SIL had 2 kids, and for her son she had a horrible pregnancy. She started leaking amniotic fluid at 27 weeks and was on bedrest, she was induced after the 9 month mark, and was in horrible labor for over a day before she got a c-section. With her 2nd pregnancy, her daughter was breech and she had a scheduled c-section and she had an extraordinarily difficult time recovering, including several infections. She had PPD after both births.

My sister she didn't even need to bring up. I was there for it, holding her hand the whole time. My sister wanted a homebirth like my mother, in the same house she was born in. She was in labor for 72 HOURS. She pushed for 4 hours before hte midwife said something was wrong and we rushed her to the hospital. She had an emergency c-section. There was a point we didn't know if she or the baby would survive. It was one of the most terrifying moments of all of our lives. Being in hospitals gives her flashbacks and panic attacks now, and she has flashbacks, almost like PTSD.

I ended up running up to my room crying. My boyfriend ran after me and calmed me down, but I'm still incredibly angry at her. All of that was completely unnecessary, and didn't do anything but scare me. I don't know what was going on in her head. Even today I'm still pretty pissed at her.

ilenegrace

I don't think your mom intended to scare you... probably wanted you to hear some realities of what could happen so you are prepared when you make your decision. My mom especially is always pointing out the things that could go wrong and it can get pretty annoying but I know she only does it because she worries.

QuintonsMummah

I agree with PP, I don't think she was trying to scare you at all just sharing stories, etc. I'm sure if you would have told her the truth about your birthplan in the first place, she may have not said the things that she did. I understand getting upset about hearing all of the negatives. I would have been pretty upset if I told my mom my birthplan and she still went on and on about how dangerous it could be.

I'm sure if you told your mom your birthplan, especially since she has had homebirths herself, she would support you in the decision  

IAM3Bs

I think, once you've had time to calm down a bit, you should tell your mother that it was upsetting to have the horror of your sisters' experiences brought up again- and that you'd prefer not to hear horror stories right now.    Then ask her to tell you about her wonderful, unmedicated home birth. Maybe that will reassure you, and make her feel valued.

pillowpants10

I don't get it... why are you angry? The reality is not all homebirths go as planned. I don't think she was trying to scare you.

mben1119

MandJS:

QuintonsMummah:

I agree with PP, I don't think she was trying to scare you at all just sharing stories, etc. I'm sure if you would have told her the truth about your birthplan in the first place, she may have not said the things that she did. I understand getting upset about hearing all of the negatives. I would have been pretty upset if I told my mom my birthplan and she still went on and on about how dangerous it could be.

I'm sure if you told your mom your birthplan, especially since she has had homebirths herself, she would support you in the decision  

All of this. But honestly, I'm not really understanding why you're mad at your mother.  This post has me slightly confused...

Same. This isn't something to be angry about.

Megroons

Wait...you were scared and upset about your ex-sil having a bad birth but you witnessed your sister having an even worse birth. I'm....confused

Amegamogo

If I were in your position, I would have cut my mother off politely and asked her to nix the subject if it was upsetting you.

 However, my sister went through a similar birthing situation.  She was induced on a Monday and had my niece naturally the middle of the day on Thursday.  It's pretty much a horror story.  She has back problems to this day and never had anymore children.

I choose to use that experience to benefit myself.  I won't be a ding dong and listen to doctors when then tell me I am in need of a C-Section.

I am sure you will cool off and things will be fine shortly.  Hormones are kicking in and thinking about giving birth can be pretty scary in itself.

 Hang in there.

morethancottoncandy

MandJS:

QuintonsMummah:

I agree with PP, I don't think she was trying to scare you at all just sharing stories, etc. I'm sure if you would have told her the truth about your birthplan in the first place, she may have not said the things that she did. I understand getting upset about hearing all of the negatives. I would have been pretty upset if I told my mom my birthplan and she still went on and on about how dangerous it could be.

I'm sure if you told your mom your birthplan, especially since she has had homebirths herself, she would support you in the decision  

All of this. But honestly, I'm not really understanding why you're mad at your mother.  This post has me slightly confused...

Color me confused here.  I'm not sure why you felt it was necessary to lie to your mother about your birth plan.  I also think you overreacted.   

cwm11985

morethancottoncandy:

MandJS:

QuintonsMummah:

I agree with PP, I don't think she was trying to scare you at all just sharing stories, etc. I'm sure if you would have told her the truth about your birthplan in the first place, she may have not said the things that she did. I understand getting upset about hearing all of the negatives. I would have been pretty upset if I told my mom my birthplan and she still went on and on about how dangerous it could be.

I'm sure if you told your mom your birthplan, especially since she has had homebirths herself, she would support you in the decision  

All of this. But honestly, I'm not really understanding why you're mad at your mother.  This post has me slightly confused...

Color me confused here.  I'm not sure why you felt it was necessary to lie to your mother about your birth plan.  I also think you overreacted.   

This.  You sound like a drama queen...you ran up to your room crying?? WHY?! Obviously your mom supports the exact type of birth you want. 

myskyegirl

Ignoring all the snarky comments from us preggo woman on this posting, I think that maybe you were more scared at what your mother was saying, but maybe you're angry that she wasn't saying anything supportive, which is what you need right now.  I agree that once you have a chance to calm down you should collect info on the clinic you want to go to, print out info on water births and go out to lunch w/your mother and calmly explain what your birth plan is.  As she stated she had 3 home births which went well, and she allowing your sister and ex-s.i.l experiences cloud over the great home births she's had.  Tell her that you want her support, but it ISN'T a requirement and that if she can't support you then that's her decision, but you will no longer allow her to scare you away from having the birth YOU want. 

Good luck and remember you still have your boyfriend and other family members that support you in your birth plan.

NiniM22

I understand how you feel. I think some people do not realize what they are saying, and how it may be taken. Just because a person is pregnant does not mean they want to hear all the horror stories another person knows about.  The doctors and the tests are enough to give a FTM sleepless nights. 

Yes, you probably should have cut her off when she began recounting the horror stories. But, you can always explain to her that you don't feel up to hearing about stories about pregnancy complications. I am sure you will learn all about them during your prenatal classes.

Good luck and hugs! 

jamdv3

adventureolive:

So yesterday my boyfriend came over to our house for dinner, and after dinner my mother, boyfriend, and I were sitting on the couch in the living room. We were talking about this and that, buying a house, work, all the stuff that's happening in our lives. Then she asks me if I've thought about birth plans. I lie and tell her I haven't (when I know what I want- an natural water birth in a birth center). She told me a little about my siblings and I. She had 3 unmedicated homebirths, and was telling me this blissful stories about it.

Then she starts talking about my sister and my ex-SIL. My ex-SIL had 2 kids, and for her son she had a horrible pregnancy. She started leaking amniotic fluid at 27 weeks and was on bedrest, she was induced after the 9 month mark, and was in horrible labor for over a day before she got a c-section. With her 2nd pregnancy, her daughter was breech and she had a scheduled c-section and she had an extraordinarily difficult time recovering, including several infections. She had PPD after both births.

My sister she didn't even need to bring up. I was there for it, holding her hand the whole time. My sister wanted a homebirth like my mother, in the same house she was born in. She was in labor for 72 HOURS. She pushed for 4 hours before hte midwife said something was wrong and we rushed her to the hospital. She had an emergency c-section. There was a point we didn't know if she or the baby would survive. It was one of the most terrifying moments of all of our lives. Being in hospitals gives her flashbacks and panic attacks now, and she has flashbacks, almost like PTSD.

I ended up running up to my room crying. My boyfriend ran after me and calmed me down, but I'm still incredibly angry at her. All of that was completely unnecessary, and didn't do anything but scare me. I don't know what was going on in her head. Even today I'm still pretty pissed at her.

I'm confused about a lot of things, but in addition to what others have said, I'm confused as to why the csection in your sister's story was what was life threatening. I definitely don't discredit the fact that it was terrifying, but the way you told it made me initially think that the emergency c section in the hospital was what saved her. 

Try to relax. these 2 experiences will not determine what your experience will be. And all birth plans need to have plan b's, c's, and d's because it's not always going to go the way you envisioned it. The important thing is that you feel comfortable about your decision, and about those who will be responsible for the health and well being of your baby.  

adventureolive

NiniM22:

I understand how you feel. I think some people do not realize what they are saying, and how it may be taken. Just because a person is pregnant does not mean they want to hear all the horror stories another person knows about.  The doctors and the tests are enough to give a FTM sleepless nights. 

Yes, you probably should have cut her off when she began recounting the horror stories. But, you can always explain to her that you don't feel up to hearing about stories about pregnancy complications. I am sure you will learn all about them during your prenatal classes.

Good luck and hugs! 

 

Thank you! I tried to tell her I didn't want to talk about it, but she wouldn't talk about anything else.

 

And someone asked why the csection was life threatening, it's because she hemorrhaged heavily from it and nearly bled to death.

denise_m

It is totally normal and natural for women to share birth stories with pregnant women.  While it may not always be wise, it is a way of bonding.

It doesn't hurt to hear the horrific ways childbirth can go wrong.  Instead of being mad or scarred, use the information to your advantage and keep them in mind when you make a birth plan.

No matter what you decide, want and push for, there are always some things that can occur out of your control.  It's just the way life is sometimes.  It sucks, but at the end of the day, I'm sure your goal is the same as theirs: A healthy baby.