Should I be alarmed?
nurrieum
member
My SS- did something pretty odd tonight at bath time. He was making a humping motion on the bathtub bottom and saying "oh baby" in an escalating voice until he did some sort of final "ohh". I was pretty disturbed.
We've had issues with stuff that's happened at BM's house. She's had domestic violence issues and we don't know everything that SS has seen.
My mom has suggested taking him to play therapy in the past because he tends to play out these things. In the past he's taken a "Daddy toy" and a "Mommy toy" and had the daddy toy beating the crap out of the mommy toy while the mommy toy cries and says sorry. Then he would pile them on top of the other one and make weird sex-like noises and then things were "okay".
For the record- he's never been exposed to sex at our house and my husband and I rarely even yell during arguments. (Nosy in laws- means you learn to fight- quietly! lol).
We really need to get him into the play therapy- we've been meaning too and I know this is just an excuse but I'm super pregnant and we've been trying to move and plan for the baby and do everything with one car. So obviously getting him in to see someone has been as high as I now think it's needed to be.
I'm just being stupid and this is just normal kid behavior? I have some issues from my own childhood that I think make me tend to over-react to any sort of sexual thing related to a child. However I felt a little sick to my stomach after he did that (again I think that's my own issues and I certainly didn't let SS see my discomfort). Am I just making a mountain out a mole hill?
Re: Should I be alarmed?
Why havent you brought him to a therapist yet? At the very least, with mom in an abusive relationship, you should have done this to help him learn to deal, but at the best you can get documentation from an unbiased observer/professional for any further custody case.
Um, I think you have a right to be alarmed. I'm not sure at any age that it's ok for children to simulate sex. Whether SS actually witnessed someone having sex or saw part of a movie, it's disturbing to me that he is doing this. But I've had a really rough day and it's possible I'm overreacting.
Play therapy sounds like a good idea. Especially if SS has demonstrated abusive behavior (with the dolls) in the past. Something is clearly going on and it needs to be addressed. None of us ever want to believe that BMs or BDs would put the kids in potentially dangerous situations, but the reality is that it happens. The sooner SS gets to talk to someone and sort through these things the better off he'll be.
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Because we've mismanaged our time and our priorities. It wasn't until the last few months that we would have been able to actually have him to take him to any appointments. My husband took a second job, we have only one car, and we've been trying to move and have had to deal with a lot of overwhelming stress. Those aren't excuses, the bottom line is that we've mismanaged time and didn't make it a priority when we should have.
I think you've had more than just a rough day.
Yeah, we really dropped the ball there and have needed to get him in. I think at this point there's zero excuse for it. We've just been really overwhelmed with all that's been going on and haven't made it the priority it should be.
I appreciate your honesty in saying that you and DH haven't made it a priority. Now it's time to do so. You can't change the past, so focus on how to make changes for the future.
If DH is working, could a family member or friend get SS to his appointments? Obviously it's important that DH be at the appointments, especially the first couple, but I can understand him needing to work to provide for the family considering you're so close to delivering the new baby. I think the addition of the new baby is also a great reason to get SS started with therapy. If he's already dealing with a bunch of chaos at BM's, having him see a therapist now will help his transition a bit as well as help him work through whatever the heck he's being exposed to.
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I'm disappointed that we've let this slide but that motivates me to get up off my @$$ and do something about this like I should have. We are moved in and out of the stress we used to endure has been lifted. We don't have an excuse at this point.
I think we can work it on the days he has off (even if it changes- I should be able to get a ride to a doctor appointment from my parents).
You also gave me the most excellent idea. SS still spends time with BM and I didn't want the therapy appointments to be a secret thing but I had no idea how to approach that with her. I think by telling her that we want to get him in because we want to help him transition to adding another child to the household- should keep that void of drama. Especially since we will be paying for it, in the end she has no say what we do on our time but I think it will go more smoothly if she's communicated with.
Everything you've written is disturbing. Eeeeeeeeeeeek. Therapy STAT.
Yeah, my husband and I had a discussion once he got home and we agreed we need to get SS in therapy ASAP. We communicate with BM a lot via email and I had just written her (not yet sent, DH views all communication before I send anything that's from "us") about how we will coordinate labor and delievery with SS. I was able to add how we want to put SS into therapy because we've moved to a new place and will soon be having a baby. We also wrote that she's to have full disclosure of these visits (because they will be on our time, our transportation and our money) and is welcome to be included in any way she would like. It ended up working into my message really well and I think we can start this without a drama thing. We really want to include her in this so I hope it's something she chooses to be involved in. At the very least doesn't try to make it difficult however bottom line we can take him to a therapist during our time and we will.
We discussed it and have informed BM that we will be getting SS into therapy. I appreciate your understanding how my past can affect how I feel with my son, having an understanding of that no matter what way, can be unpleasant.
WTF?!? I don't understand what kind of many would PAY for sex knowing the kids are there watching... They need to be arrested and charged with all kinds of stuff. Poor babies.
Oh dear God. I can't imagine how that had to be for your family. That's horrible. We're getting him in ASAP, we've already told his BM that it's our intention and we will be getting him in.
We've been speaking with a lawyer and as soon as we have the retainer fee saved up we're going to court. In the mean time we've documented SS's time with us (he's with us 90% of the time) and were told if we take SS to a therapist tell them about the custody case and make sure they are one who will testify in court (in our community our lawyer has had problems getting some therapists to tesfity- even when they've agreed or have been court ordered).
In CA we're having a lot of therapists who don't want to testify anymore also. They still observe the "if the chld is going to hurt themself, someone else, or if someone is hurting the child" rule about disclosing information, but only in physical and sexual abuse. It seems like even if the therapist finds the living situation disturbing or if the feel that one parent is mentally harming the child they don't want to testify (we had this issue with K's old counselor). It makes me sad that a licensed professional would rather zip their lip and let a kid stay in that type of environment rather than potentially lose business because they spoke out for the chld's best interests. I pray that you are able to find a therapist that will testify if needed and that SS gets the help he needs.
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Our lawyer advised on those in our area that he had problems with in the past. He told us to be up-front that they may have to testify so that if they are not comfortable with that then we know ahead of time. I was really shocked to hear that there has been so much trouble, my mom is a therapist and has testified in court a good deal. (She's a substance abuse and family conselor and had some good recommendations for me as well).
We saw BM today- among several irratiting things she did not address what we brought up her. We're making appointments for SS tomorrow (they won't happen for another week or two but we want to have it scheduled). She tends to just utterly ignore it when we communicate with her about things regarding SS but that's her choice and once we go to court- we can point that out.
Lucky (for BM), this was before I met DH. It was actually part of what got DH sole custody. I, personally, would have harmed her if I'd been around. With SS having autism, it took 3 years to get him to stop imitating sexual behavior. I was only around for 2 of those. DH wasn't as consistent as I was the first year so who knows - it could have taken less time had it been addressed at the time.
When BM had her other children removed from the home 2 years ago, it was in her CO that she had to have a separate bedroom for her middle child. Again, the oldest was sleeping in her bedroom WITH the same revolving door of boyfriends. She got pregnant with child #3 while child #2 was in state custody. She's a hot mess.
I can imagine that with autism what he witnessed would just really hard for him to process through. Our BM has little desire for the child she has and thankfully is actively not getting pregnant again.