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Blended Families
Hopeforthebest
member
Any advice on talking to SS about serious issues?
Hopeforthebest
member
NBFR necessarily as I'm sure all kids exhibit this type of behavior.
When DH and or myself tries to have a discussion about important matters with SS he tends to listen at first and then blip the concentration is gone and things don't sink in.
For example- We had to use the daycamp this year during visitation and wanted to explain about using a family code word. It feels impossible to get him to listen/pay attention. He gets silly and changes the subject and asks if he can go play Wii or go outside. (normal kid stuff I know) Maybe we are not explaining it simply enough or something, but there are lots of important things we need to communicate and it seems impossible.When we followed up like 45 mins after the family code word discussion to see if he remembered what the word was, he just acted silly and never told us what he thought the word was.
He is such a good kid, well behaved that sort of thing I just think we could use some different approaches, strategies or advice. It would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Any advice on talking to SS about serious issues?
When I was a kid, our code word was "critter". It was only used if someone (other than my parents or sisters) had to pick me up from school or daycare. That person who picked me up had to tell me the code word so that I knew my parents did in fact send them.
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I agree with pp silly= anxious/ nervous. perhaps prepare him for the conversation? The day before tell him you have something important to talk to him about, remind him the morning of that you are having a serious discussion after dinner etc.
When he starts acting silly/ not paying attention ask him if he needs to take a break for a few minutes in his room until he's ready to continue the conversation.
same thing when you ask him to reiterate what the conversation was about, if he can't remember or is acting silly, ask him if he needs a few minutes in his room/ sitting at the kitchen table to think about it.
its not a "time-out", don't necessarily punish him, but he needs to understand that its serious, and he needs to focus
he's almost 8.
tonight at the dinner table we asked him a question and he actually sort of got an attitude I thought. I said and I quote; "I don't wanna talk about this JUNK anymore".
That was not normal for him, typically he's more silly acting.
That sounds like he's uncomfortable with the topic.
It may be scary for him to think about why you need a code word so he's avoiding it with his behavior.
It sounds crazy but may e don't make such a big deal about? Be more hey if anyone comes to pick you up they should know the codes word, if they don't run tell a teacher and have them call us. Then drop it and ask later if he remembers the code word.
Sounds like you expect too much from an 8yo and you are scaring/making him uncomfortable. This is one of those thing (and I know people hate to hear it) but you will understand. If you have your "own" kid one day. There are definitely things where I expected too much from SD when she was 12-18, looking back I see it but could not at the time.
I would respectfully disagree. My mom expected this from me in first grade. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice to offer. We've been having several small conversations as we go with SS (7.5) of a similar nature. Maybe try breaking it up into smaller pieces and spread it across several days?
As for the part I bolded, I think it's a first time kid thing - your own or step. It's really common for parents in general to expect too much. I know my mom did. I'm also not sure it's always a bad thing. Kids need a challenge (you just have to be careful not to push too hard.) It might be more common with step-kids because you weren't there for the previous years (so it's hard to know where they stand sometimes on maturity). In my personal experience, DH and BM were both treating SS as younger than they should have been (in my opinion). When I had a conversation with DH about expecting more from SS responsibility-wise (i.e. he really CAN carry his own backpack at the age of 6...), it was amazing how much SS immediately picked up and how quickly.
FWIW, I think you're on the right track. I do think this is an important conversation - whether it's easy or not. It is scary, but it's scarier to think he would be unprepared.
We certainly didn't pressure the kid and I don't think nor does dad that we expect too much. Just at some point you have to address more grown up issues. I mean if we can't accomplish a code word how the hell do you move on to the bigger topics about ugly stuff (his personal privacy/body - regarding other people touching,etc). I don't have my own kids, but I do assist DH and follow his lead, make suggestions but he has the final say. In my opinion he should already know a lot of these safety type strategies, but I don't pass judgement or look down on SS, it's not his fault neither of his parents has done this yet.
Thanks for the other suggestions, I appreciate them.