Help with family situation

faithfulfaith

I know you ladies tell it like it is.

I live in ca with my husband, 2 yer old and I'm 17 weeks preg. I am the breadwinner, have a very demanding job that requires 50 to 60 hours of work.i live in silicon valley so it's expensive, and my hubs stays home.

My parents and brother live in fla and started a business that is hq here by way of virtual office, and required my bro being here to shoot pictures.well the business has started growing slowly, and now he needs to be here every month and it's turning into a week because tickets are expensive, so flying in and out seems high priced I guess?. Him staying here is saving them money and they are breaking even, maybe breaking even.

 

Heres my dilemma. I am starting to feel taken advantage of because when he is here, he does nothing to help, offers no thanks, and my parents don't either. My dad mentioned e may have to move here, and I asked my bro and he doesn't want to. So what that does that mean, we are your free hotel once a month? I have never once received an itinerary of hey, I'll be here at this time, I mean I have to ask!

 I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt their business but I have a baby on the way and I'm just put off by no consideration. I also live across the country and my parents are kind of aloof by nature, so I don't want to hurt our relationship.  I can't believe we don't even get a here, take them out to dinner from my parents. My brother is 32, I mean he could offer up something to help.

I'm so distraught and my husband is feeling it too. Help, what would you do?

 

 

RissKay

Girl, you have GOT to talk to them! 

I would write out everything you want to say before you talk to them. Since you want to be careful to not hurt the relationships, try wording things positively but firmly. For example: 

We have been MORE than happy to house _______ when he comes. We've loved being able to spend the time with him. But, since we have this new baby coming, we really would like to spend as much time as we can over these next few months as just the three of us, to give our child as much attention and preparation as possible for the new addition. If he needs to be coming up here so often, perhaps he can find an extended stay hotel (which are usually pretty cheap depending on where you stay... he'll have to stay probably not so close, but hey, it's what they've gotta do) to stay at when he's here. 

I realize that they don't want to spend money on a place for him to stay, but you have to spend money to make money. If he's got to be there so much, he needs to find semi-permanent living arrangements. You don't have to be mean, but you do have to be firm.

I know some people would be more forced. My family, however, is pretty good about listening when we have something to say, and I hope yours will be, too. Good luck!  

hgoodale

I agree with the previous poster- perhaps you could even mention looking into renting a cheap room from someone for a week per month. Where is he sleeping? Is he in the only spare room? I'd start filling that room up with baby stuff to the point where there simply isn't room for him to stay. Take the bed down and set up the crib. Start asking him to vacuum, clean the toilet, clean the fridge. Heck, take advantage of him being there-  Tell him to babysit so you guys can do dinner alone here and there. Yeah, kinda early for the crib, and passive aggressive in some ways, but he may get the hint.  I don't have much helpful advice- I'm pretty up front with my family members and we all tell it like it is. Pay up/help out or get out.

 

Good luck!

FrickandFrack

I would be honest and tell them that this situation is not working out for you and your family and they need to set brother up in a hotel. 

signarvi

If these are actual business expenses for your family, they should be able to write off the majority (if not all) of them at tax time.  Plane tickets & hotel fees, that should take down some of the total cost.  For your own sanity, it might be best to separate your home life from their business.  It's not an unreasonable request and if done in a sensitive manner shouldn't cause too many problems.  You can always use being pregnant and having a demanding job as a valid reason to not entertain your brother on a regular basis if he refuses to pitch in at your household.  It's also completely unreasonable that they're not notifying you of his travel schedule ahead of time.  I would feel taken advantage of too, and try to find a tactful way to put a stop to it.

bklynbmp

To me this sounds like your brother acting inappropriately, not your parents.  So I wouldn't say anything to them but rather sit down with your brother and tell him how you feel.

Or if you don't want to have the confrontation, can you ask him to do certain things while he at your house? Maybe he wouldn't mind helping but he isn't sure what to do.

If he is still loafing around, its time to have a face and face and explain that if he wants to live with you 25% of the time, he is going to have to help out or get a hotel.

 

moonrose2715

All people/families respond to different tactics, so this may or may not be helpful.  But the fact is your brother staying with you may not cost your parents/bro anything, but it costs you something.  Electricity, water, food, etc.  And that isn't accounting for the emotional/energy cost of just having another person in your house.  So maybe money talks and you can discuss that you are trying to save for baby number two (I assume you're taking time off once baby arrives which means you will be getting by on 60% salary for that time) and the cost of having your brother there so much is becoming a strain.  This would be an issue with both your parents and brother because it is a business issue.

If that doesn't strike a chord, or really doesn't even factor into your frustrations, then you need to sit your brother down (possibly parents) and remind them that you are not a hotel.  If he is going to be there so much, he is going to act like a household member.  That means pitching in, cooking, cleaning, babysitting, whatever seems appropriate for you.  Don't just let it simmer though because you are only going to resent them more.

tiffmatt

I'd be very tempted to take a family vacation without telling them.  See how they handle it when they show up at your doorstep and you aren't there to invite them in.  Maybe then they would get the hint that you aren't a hotel and they should look into their own accomidations.

I also like the suggestion of removing the bed and filling the room they are in with baby stuff.

faithfulfaith

Thanks everyone, awesome suggestions that really helped. I said something to my dad tonight and that with the baby coming, it wouldn't be feasible. I was surprised when he said he forgot about that. Really????  At least we started the convo and I think I'll go hog wild on a nursery and ask him to really pitch in so I don't feel so resentful.