Late Term and Child Loss

vent- freaked out on mother

I told my mother off Thursday night during an hour and a half phone conversation. It included YEARS of resentment towards her, all finally coming to a head. I had mentioned on here that my family had been non-existent during the loss of my boys, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I'll try not to make this long.

So when I was in the hospital for a week (started on a Thursday with my water breaking and ended on a Thursday with the delivery of Zachary), MH was calling my father to give him daily updates. MH has a TON of resentment toward my parents for the way they treat me and lack of support (not only through this but my three surgeries, plus many other things), and finally called my dad on Wednesday night, almost a week after I'd gone into the hopsital and the night before I was induced, and told him he'd better get the f@# down here (my parents live an hour and a half away, but they act like it's a different country). So they came down after my delivery but it was awkward. So in the month between then and now, my father has called me a handful of times but my mother hasn't- she has only TEXTED me. I hadn't heard her voice for the entire month after the boys died. She would text me that she hoped I was relaxing but nothing more substantial. She would usually tell me something about her. I became stubborn and also refused to call, thinking she should be reaching out to me. What hurt me the most of that 4 days after I lost the boys she posted on facebook that she "so enjoyed the weekend" with her friends. I was livid.

On Thursday, after over a week of no texts, she texted the same BS. I sent her a private facebook message saying that I couldn't really convey how I was feeling through a text, that I was hurting really badly, and that I had been disappointed that she hadn't called in a month.

That night she called. I had no intentions when I picked up that phone to snap or be aggressive but something she said set the tone and I went off. She explained that the reason she hadn't called was because she and my father were so angry/upset by my husband's disrepectful phone call. They said he was drunk (which I know he wasn't) and was just going on and on for 15 minutes insulting them. Although MH could have probably handled the situation better, he was so angry at them for not coming to the hospital sooner, sending flowers, ANYTHING. I'm not angry with MH at all for sticking up for me.

The conversation took tons of crazy turns, laying so much out on the table. My mom is one to always compare something you're going through with herself. It drives people crazy. Well, my mom had a miscarriage when I was young. I think she was 6-8 weeks or so along. She was perhaps in the hospital for one day/night. She explained that "in her day" people didn't go visit people with miscarriages in the hospital and more of less said, "didn't make a big deal/moved on." I asked her if she had to deliver her baby? No. Did she hold him/her in her arms? No. I know a loss is a loss but how dare??

I am still so angry and I don't know if I can talk to my parents for quite a while. Even if they were upset with MH, it shouldn't have been a reason not to reach out to me during the most difficult time of my life. While perhaps we'll be able to be civil to each other at some point down the road, I will never forgive that.

Oddly, I am left feeling a bit empowered. While I still grieve for my sons and will not just "move on," I am determined to have a family and break the cycle of crappy mothers. I will do anything to make that happen, with or without her support.

Severe endo & fibroids, IVF #1 BFP with twins, Gabriel Mark (5/20/12) & Zachary David (5/24/12)- said goodbye to my two angels at 17 weeks due to pprom. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

IVF#2 FET 9/24, Beta #1 10/3...

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Re: vent- freaked out on mother

  • imagesloannmark:

    Oddly, I am left feeling a bit empowered. While I still grieve for my sons and will not just "move on," I am determined to have a family and break the cycle of crappy mothers. I will do anything to make that happen, with or without her support.

    I bet you do feel empowered!  Getting all that stuff of your chest was the best thing to do.  It is obvious that your mother doesn't understand AT ALL what you are going through.  I'm sure it was easy for her to move on after her loss, it was easy for me after my 8 week loss.  But, that does not compare to what you had go through and are still going through.    

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    BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 
    BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 
    BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012
    BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013
    BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14
  • ((BIG HUGS)). I'm so sorry you have received such little support. I'm glad you were able to have that conversation and that you feel good about it. It's probably good you were able to see where your mom was coming from, even if she is coming from a place of ignorance about how to act and communicate with you and your DH. Now you know exactly what you are dealing with and you can decide what you want to do with your relationship.

      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
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  • I am sorry you have to deal with such an unsupportive family. I watch MH deal with that pain daily. I am happy for you that, even though it hadn't been planned, you were able to lay it all out there and end up empowering yourself. Hopefully this will give your family a little perspective, and will help improve things in the future. {{hugs}}
    Genevieve Rose died at 37 days old, meningitis Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers BabyFetus Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Good for you for sticking up for yourself, & for telling her how you feel. She's being a royal jerk!

    And you are right, you will form your own family now, what she thinks really doesn't matter! 

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