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2nd Trimester
Sister's wedding 4 days prior to due date. . . need advice
Okay, so I need advice. I readily admit I probably handled this situation really poorly, but with my 20 week US coming up, I"m wanting some advice.
My sister got engaged to her FI in feb. I found out a week or so later that I was KU. This time around, I was pretty dead set on not telling really any fam til 2nd tri, since i've had a lot of friends with miscarriages this year and it being my 2nd, it wasn't hard to keep it a secret. THe only other person I told was my dad, who is a dr, because he was trying to prescribe me meds for my allergies and I didn't want to take anything that might harm the baby.
Early march, my sister sets the date: Nov 10. I'm due Nov 14. Crap. I didn't have the guts to tell her I was KU. Mainly for 2 reasons: 1) I didn't want her to set her date around my life. SHe had her heart set on a Nov wedding, and I didn't want to come in between that. 2) If I told her, I'd have to tell pretty much everyone. She wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut.
We decided to announce to family at my DD's 2nd bday bash, because we live 1.5 hours away from all fam and everyone was going to be there at once and we thought what a great time to do it. I knew, however, that my sister would totally put a negative spin on things if I told her my real due date, so I lied and told the fam I was due Halloween just to not ruin the party. . . Something my dad, who is a very sensible man, advised me to do, especially knowing how my sister is.
Now I don't know what to do. My DD was born 3 weeks early, so i guess there's a possibility that I could have this one early too. . . but with pregnancy being SO MUCH easier so far than with my first, I'm starting to think it'll be different in that aspect as well, and that I'll go up to my due date. I was thinking after my 20 week ultrasound of telling my sister/family that due to measurements they changed my due date, but that would still really stress her out and probably cause tension between us. I really don't think the option of me possibly not being at her wedding (which is 1.5 hours away) even exists for her. SHe's not really understanding in that regard.
I don't know what to do. Advice?
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Re: Sister's wedding 4 days prior to due date. . . need advice
I know, and I really did have the best of intentions. My sister got upset when my stepsister got engaged a couple weeks after her because she felt it was stealing her thunder and this was her time. So she one of those people. I know honesty is the best policy, and I really didn't like changing the dates, but i guess i felt it was the only way not to ruin my daughter's party. Oh well hindsight's always 20/20 I guess.
Thanks for the input, I think telling her next week about my due date is probably my best option too, just to have everything covered in case I do go later this go around.
I'm gonna go with all of this.
But at the time, the truth didn't seem to suit me better.. . . now it seems to be leaning that way, but at the time I had far more reasons not to tell her i was pregnant and due days after her wedding than to tell her.
I wish my sister was like you.
If she thought this way, I would've never lied about the DD at all. Unfortunately, she's not really understanding. She is in all ways shapes and forms much like those women you see on "bridezillas," if you've ever seen that show.
But I agree with you.
Yeah that was what I was going to go with if it seemed the better option to tell her now rather than wait and see what happened in oct/nov.
As much as it would suck, even if the baby was born 1-2 weeks early, I'd try and go to the wedding if I could make it work and if all went well.
My mom went into labor early with all 4 of us kids, always between 1-3 weeks. And with me being 3 weeks early, I guess I thought my odds of being at least 1 week early again were pretty good, but I recently read up a lot more and it seems like they're really not any greater than anyone else's.
Please don't misunderstand me; I would never wish my baby to be premature. My DD was born 37 weeks to the day and she was small but healthy as can be and needed no extra assistance. We were lucky and blessed and relieved because I was worried about it. I guess I was thinking that the baby could still be born full term but in time for us to make it to the wedding, that's all.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
I say go with the 20 week U/S new date story.
I would have just been honest with her about it but that is neither her nor there now. Just tell her you plan to be at the wedding if possible. If she acts otu or throws a fit well that is for her to deal with not you.
Hmm...even though your intentions were good and there isn't anything you can do to change your delivery date, I can understand how someone might be upset if their sister can't make it to their wedding. I dont think that makes her such a terrible person.
Tell her the truth. Apologize for lying. Be there if you can. And offer (and follow through) on being an awesome support to her during the planning.
Even if you can't make the wedding, Im sure she will appreciate the help you can give her beforehand.
All of this.
Me: 32 - Stage II Endo / DH: 36 - Low count and morphology (1%)
IUIs 1-3 BFN, lap Dec. 2010, IUIs 4-6 BFN
IVF w/ICSI #1 - ER 2/8: 24R 19M 9F ET 2/13 2-5 day blasts (no frosties) = BFP - b/g twins!
E & C Born 10/19/2012
While it's not great to lie, I understand the difficult position you were in. You're trying to save everyone's feelings. The problem is, when you sister finds out that you were trying to spare her feelings, she might be angry that you think she's that... um, self-centered (even if she is). I have someone like this in my family, who turned on a close family member when she "stole" her thunder, while she was in fact doing the same thing to ME at the same time... even though I didn't feel that way about it, it was just interesting that she couldn't see that because she was so focused on herself. So, I get it about avoiding drama, because I HATE drama too.
I'd either just leave it alone, or go with the changing of the due dates at the u/s. Because your date might in fact change then, you never know.
Will she be upset that you got pregnant in time to coincide with her wedding? It sounds like she is difficult, and no matter what you do at this stage, she will be upset if the birth affects her wedding in any way.
I think you were wise to lie in the beginning - at that stage she may very well have blamed you for getting KU on purpose.
Weird that people can be like that about weddings. I understand that it's important to have your family there, and to celebrate together, but sometimes life gets in the way.
I hope she sees the bigger picture, or that your dates work out okay. (Or that she gets fed up with being bridezilla and elopes!)
All of this. Took the words right out of my mouth.
I think if you knew she was looking at Nov and you knew right away your due date was close that calling and telling her would have been the best thing so she had the choice to plan around you if she wanted, but now, it's too late let it go and just tell her that it looks like early November is likely your due date.
You're worrying about something that you can't really control. Just let your sister know that you'll do everything in your power to be at the wedding, but if you do go late that you might have to miss it. That being said, you should see if she has someone who can set up a skype feed or similar during the ceremony just in case.
...baby #3 is here...
BFP#1 on 02/14/09 BIRTH to Mason 6lb9oz on 10/12/09
BFP#2 on 5/28/11 EDD 2/1/12 Natural M/C on 6/13/11
BFP#3 on 1/20/12 EDD 9/30/12 Natural m/c on 1/27/12
BFP#4 on 4/23/12 BIRTH to Isabella 7lb1oz on 12/19/12
I think I'd just tell her, at this point, that your EDD has changed- sure, she'll throw a fit, but at least this way it'll give her a chance to cool off, and also to make alternate plans, if necessary, for someone to cover your position if you were to be a bridesmaid. Waiting until the last minute will only stress her more, especially if she has to find a replacement bridesmaid at the last minute.
I think, were I you, I'd tell her you have to bow out of being in the wedding party itself, but that you'd still love to throw her bridal shower and help her plan, and that you'll be there if it's possible.
If it were my sister she would be pissed that I didn't tell her in the first place. But anyway...
I would just tell her the date got changed and you are just playing it all by ear. The baby could be 1-2 weeks LATE, you just don't know with these things. My son was born at 37 weeks, and even though everything was fine, I'm hoping this one cooks longer.
The only thing that would really stop you from going at all is if you are in labor the day of!
I would be MOH in my sister's wedding, so I guess as long as she isn't hoping you will be a part her day you can just say you are going with the flow.
Tell her that you had your ultrasound, they took measurements, and the baby's due date is November 14th. It's not lying... haha.
Anyway, kudos to you for trying so hard to make it work. My wedding was a month after my sister had her daughter, and she didn't even come to the wedding.
I would just leave it at what you've said, and if you're still pregnant by the wedding, blame it on the baby.
Once the baby is born, and the wedding is over, she'll understand why you said that (if you need to explain it) and all will be fine.
If you go early - blame it on the baby. They have a mind of their own and come when they come. I'm sure with you giving a date of Halloween, she's already aware that it will be a tricky time for you, and hopefully she'll realize that you *might* not be able to make it but really really want to be there for her.
This. I think it's hormones raging
People can say what they want, but until they're in your situation they can't judge. All you asked for was advice, not a lesson on right vs wrong. I think you had the best of intentions, and are a very sweet and caring person. You sound alot like me, always putting others first, even if it means making an uh-oh or telling a fib to avoid rocking the boat! You are a grown adult and sounds like you understand you probably shouldn't have given her that date, and now you clearly understand you are in a pickle! So I like the change in EDD idea... You two are at different stages in life, and right now her world revolves around her wedding! So yes, based on what you make her sound like, she may be a bit pissy... but not much you can do. Oh, and don't push yourself to be there! Even if you are early, you need to heal and recover. And you don't want a newborn exposed to a huge group of people at a wedding!! GL!
This
I would talk to her as soon as possible...and frankly, I'd own up to the lie and explain your good intentions (and you did have the best of intentions -- to allow her to enjoy her time as being newly engaged). But here's the thing...you can't change when the baby will come, but your sister can change her wedding date. You can't ask her to change the wedding, but you can give her the time she needs to at least consider it. I just hate the idea of missing a sister's wedding. You can't undo that.
Plus -- were you hoping your family might help with DD during the days surrounding the birth of your LO? It could be hard for them to divide their time between the baby's arrival and pre-wedding events.
haha thanks!
Eh, don't beat yourself up. If your sister is one of the difficult ones, your likely the one who is always trying to make things go smoothly. Probably have been smoothing out her drama your whole life. If you are really worried, say the u/s measured you with a due date of 11/14. Your not lying, it did! Your just not telling her that your LMP said the same thing! She will likely get upset, and possibly go cry a and moan to her fiance and your parents, but I'm guessing everyone has been dealing with her personality for so long that this will blow over when she gets busy picking out the cake and doing her last measurements. You were trying to protect her, and that I get, and you were trying to make everything go smoothly. Your sister is about to learn that babies come when they want, as her's will likely, and once she is a mother she will see what you go through just to TRY and make it to her wedding four days before you are due!
If you stick with your lie, and everything goes as should and your baby is born around the 14th, you are now stuck having to remember for the rest of your life that your daughter was born "two weeks late" and that could be a pain in the a$$ that bites you years from now when your sister finds out that the whole thing was a lie.
Oh no. i've already thought about this, believe me. if baby isn't here by then, i ain't going to that wedding. my water will NOT be breaking on an altar.