TTC after 35

Trying not to be resentful towards h, but... (long-ish)

We met when I was 25. Dated several years. He needed to get his shiit together, frankly, with job, etc. before I would consider marrying him. Finally that happened and he dragged his feet on living together. Then he dragged his feet on getting engaged. Fortunately he didn't drag his feet on getting married and I believe he is happy with all these steps now that he has taken them. But then the economy tanked and he was not ready for a kid (worried about layoffs, etc). So now we are at 39 TTC #1 (he finally decided he was ready). This was despite me having repeated talks with him about fertility as a woman gets older and taking him to the OB to hear same.

My h is not a bad guy, but he sure likes to take his sweet old time. I just learned from insurance that they cover nothing related to fertility. We just don't have the money for $1,000s in fertility treatments and I'm not sure I want to go into debt for it (no judgements on people who do).

I'm so mad at h. My therapist says "well, you went along with it" and yes, I guess I did, but maybe I'm mad at h because I don't want to have the regret of maybe not waiting and moving on with someone else? Because frankly I wouldn't have chosen h if I knew it meant foregoing children. And if we do get pregnant, I'm bummed we'll likely only have one at this point so even in the best case scenario I am bitter. And yes, we can adopt and I'm open to that, but again the money...

Thanks for letting me vent :-) Comments with kindness appreciated (no flames, please. I just don't have the energy for it).

Me:39 Dx LPD, Fibroid, AMA and all that goes with that. H:37 Dx low motility and low morphology. TTC since 3/12. Clomid 8/12 and 9/12: BFN. 11/12 on a break for Myomectomy sched. 11/26. Resume TTC early 2013.

Re: Trying not to be resentful towards h, but... (long-ish)

  • That's hard and I'm sure I would struggle with the same feelings.  I wrestle with 'what if' all the time.  But I really do try to live by the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy even if it's not always easy to accept.  It's just been proven to be true to me so many times that it's hard to argue.

    It's good that you have a safe place like this to vent it out.  Hang in there and as my Grandpa who passed away in April used to say..."this too shall pass"

    Me 39 & suspected PCOS, DH 42. Went off BCP when we got married in 11/11, seriously TTC since 3/12.  Six cycles of clomid = BFNs.  Suspected endometriosis & HSG showed both tubes blocked.  Sept 2013 IVF 5D transfer of two perfect embryos = BFN.  Started acupuncture and taking time off to drop some pounds & get healthier before FET in April 2014.
  • I think it's healthy to talk about your feelings about this-- it's a huge issue, it's a life-changing dealbreaker of an issue-- and it's not healthy to bottle it up. Also, emotions are honest-- you have them, whether you want to have them or not, and it's what you do with them and how you act on them that defines what kind of a person you are.

    That all being said-- I would be resentful, too. Has YH ever said how he actually feels about having children? Have you talked to him about the stories of women on this board? Time can't be reversed, but moving forward, I think it's really important to wade through these feelings and thoughts and share them somehow...

    And of course we're all here for the venting!

    *********************************************************************************************

    "You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was." 
            -- Abraham Lincoln
     

                               Me:39  MH:39 
    DD born 6/1/2013 after 15 months of TTC with one loss.    
    TTC #2: BFP 4/22 but stalled growth and no HB at 9w3d on 5/30        

    <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/3a2798" style="font-size:smaller;" >
    <br /> My Ovulation Chart</a>

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  • You'll eat yourself alive if you keep looking back at what could have happened.  And you are not doing yourself or YH any favours dwelling on it. 

    Sure, it's not ideal to start at 39 but lots of us here did (for whatever reasons) and lots of those ladies were successful without costly fertility treatments and then went on to have another. 

    Point is, you are here now and there is nothing whatsoever you can do to change what did or didn't happen to get in the way of your TTC. 

    I guess, what I am trying to say, is try to stay in the present, and move forward.  Enjoy your life now and your time with YH and look forward to the possiblities.  

    I'm editing this to add.  I started at 39, I'm 41 (turning 42 in July) and am still hoping that we will have 2. 

     

    ____________________________

    BabyFruit Ticker

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers  Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Breast Cancer diagnosis 12/01/2010 - Survivor and Cancer free as of 03/22/2011
    BFP#1 04/12/201
    1 - fetal demise - MC 05/28/2011
    BFP#2 10/14/2011 - fetal demise - MC 12/13/2011
    BFP#3 05/30/2012 - fetal demise - MC 07/23/2012
    IVF#1 02/14/2013 - 2 Beautiful Blasts transferred
    BFP#4 02/25/2013 - BFP - MC and ectopic 03/06/2013

    IFV#2 07/02/2013 -BFP#5 - 07/07/2013
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    1st U/S 07/31/2013 - TWINS! "The Minions"
    IVF#3 BFP#6 09/01/2015 6dp5dt
    1st Beta 09/05/2015 - 105 - 2nd Beta 09/08/2015 335
    1st U/S 09/22/2015 - .......

  • I'm sorry you are having a hard time.  I just don't think that men get it.  My husband keeps telling me about his high school friend whose mom had a baby in her mid 40's (when her oldest was in high school) -- as proof that I'm not too old to have a baby or diminished fertility.  I have tried to impress upon him that is the exception, not the rule. Nonetheless, I hope you are able to focus on what to do going forward.  I think most of us agree that it can be challenging to not play the "what-if" game.   

    I'm also sorry that your therapist thinks that telling you that "you went along with it" is helpful.  It might be worth it to tell him/her that you don't think that is helping, and maybe your therapist can try to help you go on from here.

    Good luck! 

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  • Thanks all for your kind words! It does help. Owl - my h did the same thing! "Well next door neighbor got pregnant at 42!" as "proof" that there's plenty of time. Well, yay for her. That's actually why I took him to my GYN with me.

    I'm actually okay with what my therapist said - I do need to take responsibility for my part in the decision making. By not leaving I assented to his timeframe.

    Thanks again - it helps to get it out. I just talked to my GYN and will start Clomid next cycle. Hopefully that will do it!!

    Me:39 Dx LPD, Fibroid, AMA and all that goes with that. H:37 Dx low motility and low morphology. TTC since 3/12. Clomid 8/12 and 9/12: BFN. 11/12 on a break for Myomectomy sched. 11/26. Resume TTC early 2013.
  • ***TICKER WARNING*****

     

    First, try not to let my signature info scare you; I've seen plenty of people get successfully pregnant without (much) intervention at 39+ on these boards.

    What I'm really jumping on to say is: don't let your OB put you on Clomid without ultrasound monitoring. It is very unsafe, but too many OB's still do it. You can be dangerously overstimulated. And even if not, you need to know how your body is responding to the Clomid--for some people (including myself) it can thin the uterine lining, produce small follicles, etc. you need to know this, because it's pointless to keep trying with Clomid if so (many do better on Femara [letrozole]).

    I totally get you on the what-if thing. We still wish DH had just knocked me up when we first started dating, when I was "only" 36.  But hindsight is 20/20, and the reasons for not trying were excellent at the time. I agree with PPs -- you have to acknowledge the anger, but move forward at the same time. 

    me - 41 (dx: DOR); DH - 53 (no problems); 7/18/09 - married!; 8/4/09 - BFP on first (real)try; 9/14/09 - missed m/c; 9/15/09 - d&c; 11/09 - 3/10 - 4 natural cycles = BFN; 4/10 - dx hyperthyroidism caused by Graves' disease; 6/10 - thyroidectomy; 7/10 - 12/10 - 1 natural and 5 medicated IUI cycles = BFN; 1/11 - new RE; dx low ovarian reserve (AMH .42; 1/26/11 -- BFP (ectopic) from IUI #6; methotrexate 2/10/11; 6/2/11 - IVF #1 = BFN; 9/12/11 - prescreening for DE; 9/15/11 - IUI #7 (unmedicated)= BFN; 11/8 - begin DE cycle (shared risk program); 12/5 - ER (5 eggs/4 mature/3 fertilized/2 left by day 5) 12/10 - ET of one 1BB blast (expanded, "fair" quality), none to freeze; 12/22 - totally shocked by +hpt; beta #1 = 413; #2 = 3952 2/14 - CVS reveals a healthy baby girl! EDD: 8/27/12 DD born 8/31/12, 10 lbs 10 oz and perfect in every way. 
  • I've had moments of resentment, both towards myself for decisions I've made and towards my husband for putting off TTC for an extra, quite possibly crucial, year. 

    As we can only look forward, this is, obviously, not very helpful. One thing I do that helps me when I'm feeling this way, is to imagine a line on the ground. Everything in the past that I can't change is on one side of the line. I imagine myself stepping over the line and leaving it all behind. I feel immediately unencumbered. While the effect isn't permanent, it does help me break any bad mental loops.

     

  • imageannalisel:

    I've had moments of resentment, both towards myself for decisions I've made and towards my husband for putting off TTC for an extra, quite possibly crucial, year. 

    As we can only look forward, this is, obviously, not very helpful. One thing I do that helps me when I'm feeling this way, is to imagine a line on the ground. Everything in the past that I can't change is on one side of the line. I imagine myself stepping over the line and leaving it all behind. I feel immediately unencumbered. While the effect isn't permanent, it does help me break any bad mental loops.

     

    I agree with all of this 100%....very well put. 

     

     


    image
    TTC since 10/2010
    IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
    IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
    IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
    IVF # 3 (June 2013) = BFN 
    IVF # 4 (September 2013) = BFP Fraternal twin boys! (Loss at 21w6d due to IC on 1/26/14...devastated.)
    3/21/14--TAC (transabdominal cerclage) w/Dr. Davis in NJ
    IVF # 5 (May 2014) = BFN
    FET (August 2014) = BFN

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • OMG, I Feel I am reading something I wrote.... I am with you girl.

     My met my DH at 25, Moved in together at 35, got Engaged at 38 ( this past Dec). , and well even though I say DH, were not married yet - not much talk about it but I keep saying Spring 2013.  So My Dh Sounds just like yours... the clock is ticking down for me as well, as I'll  be 39 next month.    I went off the pill oct 2010 it took me 14 month to get a bfp and mc, so here I am trying again, and it is so frustrating... I changed so many things in my life, and feel I gave up "fun" and Dh didn't...but keeps saying it will happen again...he is great with kids.  I just think guys live more for the day then us - living for the future.  But thru all these years, yes I realized I had a choice... as all my friends would tell me to leave him cause he didn't commit yet...but I stuck with my heart, cause I couldn't see myself with anyone else....now some of those friends are getting divorced.. so I laugh now.  It is a Scary feeling....  Our State also does not cover fertility, so we are out of luck, cause I can't afford anymore debt.  Well here is hoping for BFP's for both of us!

    me: 39 DH 40 Trying to Conceive #1 Since Nov. 2010, BFP # 1 1/14/12 EDD 9/20/12 -M/C between 7-8 weeks - :( BFP # 2 10/9/12 EDD 6/16/12 - No Embryo Found 8 weeks 4 day U/S :( Waiting to Miscarry - 9 weeks today Will Try for one more BFP in 2013
  • imageMarylandWed:

    I don't want to have the regret of maybe not waiting and moving on with someone else? Because frankly I wouldn't have chosen h if I knew it meant foregoing children. 

    I did leave the guy at 31 when he wouldn't commit and I am still in this position.

  • imageBabyVDM:

    You'll eat yourself alive if you keep looking back at what could have happened.  And you are not doing yourself or YH any favours dwelling on it. 

    Sure, it's not ideal to start at 39 but lots of us here did (for whatever reasons) and lots of those ladies were successful without costly fertility treatments and then went on to have another. 

    Point is, you are here now and there is nothing whatsoever you can do to change what did or didn't happen to get in the way of your TTC. 

    I guess, what I am trying to say, is try to stay in the present, and move forward.  Enjoy your life now and your time with YH and look forward to the possiblities.  

    I'm editing this to add.  I started at 39, I'm 41 (turning 42 in July) and am still hoping that we will have 2. 

     

    I agree with this. None of us have a time machine so you can't go back.  For what it is worth, you never know what your fertility is before you start. I was still 36 when we started trying and it was already too late for me.  If you get the one child at 39, feel blessed!! 

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

  • thanks guys - truly some great stuff here. i will be doing the imaginary line in the sand visualization!! it's not fair to h to look back, and it's not fair to me. i am seeing my doctor before we start the clomid - i'll be sure to talk it through with him and will make sure i'm monitored closely. thanks again!
    Me:39 Dx LPD, Fibroid, AMA and all that goes with that. H:37 Dx low motility and low morphology. TTC since 3/12. Clomid 8/12 and 9/12: BFN. 11/12 on a break for Myomectomy sched. 11/26. Resume TTC early 2013.
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