Bad Etiquette Question re: 2nd Baby Shower
I do not want to stir up any trouble, but I need to understand where people are coming from with their opinion because mine differs.
A baby shower in my opinion is to 1. Celebrate a woman becoming a mother. 2. To celebrate the new life that the woman will be bringing into the world. 3. Have some fun with friends and family before the baby arrives.
This is my first child and someone has offered to host a baby shower. I am registered and have registered for some bigger items on my registry so that when I get the completion coupon I will save money.
No registry information will be included in the invitation and the hostess is only giving out registry information to people who ask if I am registered. I am not a part of the planning other than the fact that I gave her the guest list from my wedding that has addresses on it. She went through and decided who from that list to invite. Other than that I know nothing and will not be told anything.
If I were to become pregnant again, then, based on a lot of the posts, some people find it 100% inappropriate to have a shower for the second child regardless of whether or not it is specified that we do not want any gifts and I do not register anywhere.
If a baby shower is for the reasons listed above, then why is ?bad etiquette? to have a baby shower, if someone else hosts it, I am not part of the planning, and I do not register for gifts? If a shower is to celebrate the new life that the woman will be bringing into the world, then to me I would think there should be a shower, if it is offered. (I understand a shower is not an obligation and if it?s not offered you don?t get one.) Why wouldn?t you celebrate the life of the child and the pregnancy with friends and family who want to be there?
Re: Bad Etiquette Question re: 2nd Baby Shower
Exactly.
This.
If you want to have a celebration for the new life, then have a meet the baby party once it's born.
The "shower" in "baby shower" means "shower with gifts." It's inherently about giving presents. I think sip n sees are an awesome alternative though, because honestly, that's what most people want to do most: meet the baby! I am a FTM and am thinking of trying to dodge a shower in favor of a sip n see I host myself later.
I find showers super awkward in general. Plus the idea that you would celebrate me being super incredibly pregnant? No thanks. Let's just celebrate a baby having shown up.
"I am not part of the planning, and I do not register for gifts," for the second child, then it is not technically a shower then... So this is really just all based on what you call it?
If someone else hosted a party while I am pregnant with my second child child and called it something other than a baby shower and it is specified that gifts are not expected, then that is okay? It just shouldn't say "baby shower" on the invitation?
So you want to have people together for the purpose of celebrating your pregnancy? I don't get it...what would you do at this gathering? Why not just wait and have a real party once the baby is born. If you're celebrating the baby, s/he should be there...
Great! Thank you
The party for the second child is to celebrate the baby, yes, but I know that my family would be upset if there wasn't a get together for the second child before s/he is born because my family does have a party for each child that is born. My family loves parties...so it's pretty much...someone hosts a shower before the baby is born and then the parents have a meet the baby party after the baby is born.
I always associate a shower as a gift giving event (as in "showering" the mother to be with gifts). It is perfectly acceptable to throw your own party to celebrate the baby but I wouldn't call it a shower and I would never do that before the baby is born. Like another PP said, if you want to celebrate the baby then the baby should be there!
I think the bottom line of etiquette here is you never host your own event where gifts are expected and showers are inherently gift giving events. I don't really know why that is so confusing to some. If you want to celebrate but it is not a gift giving event do not call it a shower!
This is going to depend on who you ask. IT varies and there is no one answer. Miss Manners feels they are wrong, Emily Post feels they are ok. Some people they are ok sometimes and some feel they are always wrong. If your family throws them for everyone then fine, if they don't believe in throwing them after the first, fine. Know your people.
You can celebrate the life in many ways and for those who believe a second shower is wrong, don't have a shower.
In my family it's more about celebrating the baby and celebrating with each other and we WANT to have a shower for each baby so we do. However, we don't invite people from outside the family unless they have specifically asked to be invited.
Thank you
Thank you
So your family demands an "I'm big as a house" party? Oh my goodness I would refuse. But if they just want an excuse to get together and grill out or whatever, and it doesn't make you uncomfortable, let 'em at it I guess. I'd probably skip inviting people outside the family, though. And to the extent that it's just a get-together, I don't see how formal invitiations are necessary. When we're hosting people for dinner or drinks, we just email/text/call with a date and time, so all the formalities and stress over what the invitation should say or whatever seems unnecessary.
Pretty much...I don't think I'd feel uncomfortable. A lot of my family is older and not technilogically advanced per se so we send out formal invitations for most parties so we don't miss anyone...God forbid you miss someone and then everyone starts takig sides. On my moms side we have over 60 of us from my grandparents to my first cousins and they like to gossip and cause trouble over the smallest stuff. So, the paper invites are just what we do to cover ourselves and some people won't show up if they do not get an invitation in hand. I wish I could just send out a FB invite or text for things that aren't formal though, it would be so much nicer!
I wouldn't worry about a second baby shower until I had number 1, and was pregnant with number 2.
That being said, with baby number 2, if someone offers the shower, and it's mostly with family, not gift-centric, I don't see a problem.
Yeah...that sounds like a good idea. Thank you!
Thank you for your input!
Obviously everyone else has hit the nail on the head. A shower is a primarlity gift giving event. A bridal shower is for people to gift things to a first time bride who presumable would not have those types of things already as a baby shower is for a first time mother.
Miss Manner has touched on this before, but there is a very recent one I found interesting: https://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/baby-shower-for-a-second-child
One thing she says is: "Baby showers are properly given only for first babies. Miss Manners is soft-hearted enough not to condemn friends who are excited enough to insist on showering an experienced-but-expectant mother..."
I found it refreshing that while MM expresses showers should only be held for first babies that if someone truly insists on holding a shower for you the second time around that is ok. As a general rule though, subsequent showers should be limited to very close friends and family.
Best to have a party for the LO when they arrive after the first time.
That would be awesome, if these parties were to shower the baby. Or you know, if the baby was there or something.
Exactly. In my culture/region/social and familial circles, it would cause some serious gossip and side eye if a woman DIDNT have a shower for each child. That is just how it is done. We only have our families and maybe 1 or 2 of our very best friends at our showers anyway but it would be really strange to try to decline a shower because a bunch of white ladies from another state on the Internet said its tacky.
As long as you decline nicely, it's fine.
Not OK: "Wow, I didn't realize you were so unschooled in basic manners. Of course there wouldn't be a shower. But thanks.... I guess."
Perfectly OK: "How sweet of you! Really, we have so much stuff from little McKenzie, and people were so generous, we think we're just going to throw a little Meet the Baby party sometime in her first two or three months."
Also Perfectly OK: "You're so thoughtful! You know, some girl-time before the baby comes would be awesome. Could we do a little no-gifts coffee/dessert thing instead? I'd love to see everyone, but [see "people were so generous...." above]."