Parenting

If your ILs parenting style was from the dark ages...

and your SO/DH has an excellent relationship with them in spite of that, how do you get on the same page about your parenting style?   DH's parents used a belt as a regular form a discipline.   MIL is one of those brilliant people who bit her daughter to get her to stop biting her twin (yes, she imparted this knowledge to me as advice).   If you can get beyond that, they are good people who managed to raise 4 pretty good kids, but DH is of the "I was raised that way and I'm fine" mindset.  Now I know he won't ever use a belt because he knows how strongly against it I am, but it is really hard to defend my position without him getting butthurt because me being right = his parents were wrong.   Anyone have any child development and/or parenting books they'd recommend?  I figure that might be a start...even though DS is too young right now, I'd like to agree on things before we get to that point.


imageimage
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14

I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929

Re: If your ILs parenting style was from the dark ages...

  • I'm probably not too much help, but what if you took the approach with him that there's multiple effective ways to do something, rather than that one is "wrong" (the way his parents did it) and the other is "right."  For example, with the biting. Rather than saying his parents approach was wrong, explain that there's another way you'd like to try and stop the behavior that you think will also be effective.  I'm not saying his parents weren't wrong in what they did, but maybe he'd be more receptive to to notion that you're using "another approach" rather than the "right one."  Therefore the way his parents did it is not being labeled as wrong (even if it is), just different.
    DS (7 years old) from FET in 2010
    DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012
    TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!
  • So he's agreed not to use a belt, does that cover all spanking? Or just the use of a belt. What if instead of approaching specific topics you discussed your plan for discipline over all? Leave your IL's completely out of it.
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  • He is still pro-spanking, I think spanking should rarely be used, if at all.  I think approaching it as an alternative method is a good way to go, as a FTM I guess I need some resources to better formulate what exactly that method will be.  I think DH also has unrealistic expectations of what is age appropriate discipline (like when we start using time outs, which we do both agree on), so I need to provide him with an outline of developmental milestones, because me saying he is too young isn't enough


    imageimage
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
    Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14

    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929

  • Well I started using time outs around 10 months old, and my son caught on QUICK to what was happening. So I'm probably the wrong person to ask about that. But I've heard people really recommend the Love and Logic series. I've never read it, so I can't speak to it personally, but people rave.

    So if you're actually going to need to address the spanking issue then I think a heart to heart is needed. Asking him why it's so important that you use spanking as a method might help to 1. understand why he feels the way he does and 2. help him process why it's so important. It also opens the door for you to share what your fears are about using that method. If you can address the things that you respect about your IL's and affirm for him that you think they raised some pretty great kids that might help get him off the defensive and open the doors for you to try to discuss a method that will work for both of you. The key is, what is he afraid will happen if you DON'T spank and what are you afraid will happen if you DO.  I realize that your side seems really obvious, but it's not to him. If he thinks that you think that people who spank are all abusive and hate their children he's going to be too concerned about what you think of his parents to have an open discussion about it. And an open discussion is the only way you'll come to an agreement. 

  • DH's parents are old school European (and they are older, both in their 70s). Both he and his sister turned out great, but neither want to necessarily follow in their parent's footsteps. DH and I have discussed what parenting style we want to use, and some things that his dad used to do, I am ok with (like dinner rules), but I just need DH to tone it down a bit. I think it's a ongoing, evolving discussion.
  • I agree with what's been said already. But the other aspect too is tha he needs to realize that times have changed. He may be "fine" but that doesn't mean that there aren't better ways to raise and discipline children. A LOT more has been learned about child development from when I was a child. 

     

    A more tangible aspect of this is child safety. My parents didn't have a child seat for me, for example. But now we know better.

     

    Its not about his parents being wrong, but more is understood now that is better  

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I've heard 1-2-3 Magic is awesome.  Haven't read it myself yet though.
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  • Another vote for a times have changed discussion.  It is not that it is wrong, it is just we know more now kind of a thing...
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  • imagembenit4:
    I would take each issue as it comes. I don't get what a parenting book is going to do now? Who is the book for? Even if they believe in belts etc. are they of the mindset that they will be disciplining your child? Seems like the issue is really with your DH and not the ILs.

    Yes, it is.  I know that, but the issue with my DH stems from his mindset that he should do as his parents did.   I don't fully trust MIL for other reasons so she rarely watches DS, but to the best of my knowledge they've followed the parents (my SILs) discipline methods when it comes to watching the grandkids....so not a current IL problem.   The book would be for me and for him to help us decide on our parenting style with outside advice, more than "my parent's didn't hit, your did, lets go with my parent's style" thing. 


    imageimage
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
    Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14

    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929

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