Single Parents

Looks like I'll be a single mom

So is there a guide on how to leave your husband?  If so, please send it my way!  I have no idea how to go about all of this...

H has been verbally and mentally abusive just about the entire time we've been together and I didn't like it, but didn't care about myself enough to do anything about it till now.  We have a 9 mo DS who is the center of my world. I can't let him grow up witnessing and learning that type of behavior.  My FIL is the same way.

Last week, H got mad at me and threw some things while DS was on the floor crawling around and I decided to leave.  It got pretty ugly as the day went on with all kinds of threats from H to bring DS back because I "took him from him."  I don't want to keep him from his child, but DS didn't need to be in that environment.  We met the next day to talk and so he could see DS and he threatened to call the police if I didn't come home with DS, so I caved and went home (I now know that he can't do that).  So I'm back home with H thinking that we're going to work things out, but that's not my intention at all.

I made an appointment with a lawyer to see what my options are, but wasn't able to keep it.   I know I need to reschedule, but just don't know what else to do at the moment.  He says he will take DS from me (like I did to him) if I try to leave, so I have to be very careful how I go about things.  And I'm having a tough time coming to terms that we won't be a family anymore.  It's all I ever really wanted and I can see how H really does love DS.  And he's trying really hard with me, but we've been through this before.  And I have to remember that DS doesn't deserve to grow up like that.  He is such a happy baby and I can't let that be taken away from him.

Anyway, sorry this got so long.   But a guide would be great...  :)

Re: Looks like I'll be a single mom

  • You can get a temporary/emergency order to have primary custody of your DS.  That is what I did when I left.  So if he does call the cops you can show them the order that you have custody.  The only way he can see his son is if he gets a court order for visitation. My ex was seeing someone else, I suspect, so he was more than happy to be gone from our house for days at a time.  All without him knowing I got a uhaul, moved all my stuff to my sisters in a town an hour a half away, filed for custody in that town, and had him served at work.  I would have preferred to not have him served at work, but he didn't tell me where he was staying when he wasn't at his house.

    When you file for the temorary order you need to state your child's address as the new place you are living.  Once a temporary order is made the child cannot be moved from where ever they lived on that date.  You can talk to your lawyer more about this.  I moved in with my sister in another town and file my son's residence as there.  I suppose my ex could have contested it in an emergency hearing but I think he was too wrapped up in his affair to bother.  He threatened a bunch of stuff but never took any action. 

    As for moving out.  I've done this twice (previous relationship).  And I can tell you that when you leave take EVERYTHING that you want or that is yours.  Once you leave his attorney will advice him to not let you back in or to change the locks and you will never see your stuff again.  I have so many regrets of things I left behind that I will never see again.  Twice my ex's locked me out and did not give me my things I left behind.  I had my attorney send his attorney letter/lists and they were all ignored.  They weren't expensive things but some sentimental and some just stuff that is mine that he shouldn't keep from me, but he is doing it just to be an a-hole.

    He wasn't able to see our son until he signed a piece of paper stating the visitation terms.  Since your DS is so young you do not need to offer him a lot of time.  Are you breastfeeding?  At such a young age he would probably get to come see him at your place for a few hours a couple of nights a week.  You don't need to allow overnights at that age.  Maybe he can take him out in the evenings for a couple of hours?  You do want to look like you are working with him and allowing him to have visitation with his child.  But at such a young age it is most important for the child to bond with the primary caregiver and custoidal parent (you). 

    It was rough at first with us, but things have settled down a bit.  After about 8-9 months I finally got a court date to get child support.  Since I am the primary custodial parent and I pay daycare expenses I am getting a pretty decent amount of child support.  However we still have to go to court ordered mediation for a visitation plan.  I'm not worried though mainly because of our distance in driving and my son's age I don't think he will be entitled to any more visitation than he is currently getting.  My son is 2.5.  He is with his dad every Weds. night and every other Fri & Sat night.  He doesn't get Sundays because he has Fridays off of work so he gets to spend the whole day with him then.  Which works out so nicely for me because I get my son every Sunday.  Usually I think the courts would view the weekend as Friday at 5 until Sunday at 5.  But my weekend for him is Friday at 9 am to Sunday at 9 am. 

    It was really emotionally hard at first but it gets easier.  And now it is nice to have some time to myself on the weekends.  However my ex is a really good Dad and never had any problems with his temper or anything like that.  We just didn't get along but he is a good dad.  And I am glad that him and my son get to see eachother on a regular basis.

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