September 2012 Moms

Baby Shower size vs finances...Opinions???

Hey Ladies (and a few guys)!

No I won't have a shower for a long time from now, well not the one I'm referring to. Let me give you a quick background then the question.

I haven't been home (live in Botswana, Africa) in what will be 2.5 years by the time I go home. I was single and no kids last time everyone saw me. I grew up in the same house my entire life and same church (until college) so I have a lot of deep rooted connections. When I go home in November my bf is going to throw me a baby welcome shower as baby girl will be about 6 wks when I fly home. (Hopefully DH will be with us as no one has met him either!!!) I asked her if she would be willing to do the shower and she was more than happy to do so! There are so many things you can get in the US that you can't get or are really expensive here in Botswana!

Am honestly thinking maybe 50 women will come (not counting those that have teenager girls that may come as well. Some I used to teach them!) Is it a lot for me to burden my friend with as the cost implications? The big cost I know will be food...I told her it could be done potluck style or we can ask certain people to bring and cater...What do you ladies think?

Any ideas at all are fine! I'll probably have to do an open invite at my parent's church as I grew up there, but I really don't mind! Just worrying about the money side of things (no she hasn't voiced a concern in the finances at all but we just started talking)TIA!!

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Re: Baby Shower size vs finances...Opinions???

  • If your friend knows the same people you do, I would think that everyone could pitch in and bring something--your friend or Mom might do the proteins, and everyone else can bring sides.

    For my girlfriend shower, they're all bringing food, and for my family shower, it's being catered and is costing around $800 for 50 people including food, beverages and room rental.  I think that's asinine, but my Mom & aunts really wanted to do it.


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  • imageauroraloo:
    I think asking someone to throw you a shower and then asking your guests to bring their own food (potluck-style) is very, very tacky.

    mmmhmmm.  And I'm not one to play the shower police.  But this?  Not cool. 

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  • hmp1hmp1 member
    An open invite for an entire church????? That is crazy. If the congregation wants to do something for you at the church, they can set it up for after the service on Sunday. Hint, the important part of that is if they want to do something. Don't ask someone to plan you a party. Let your friend hosting the shower provide you with the number of guests she can host.

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  • imagehmp&mrj:
    An open invite for an entire church????? That is crazy. If the congregation wants to do something for you at the church, they can set it up for after the service on Sunday. Hint, the important part of that is if they want to do something. Don't ask someone to plan you a party. Let your friend hosting the shower provide you with the number of guests she can host.

    Yes

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  • This seems like a lot to ask of your friend. Maybe she doesn't realize to what extent you are thinking.

    I agree with PP, the church invite should be done at church after a service if you're doing an open invite. There's no way to even prepare for that if I'm your friend, IMO.

    Can your family not help out with this?

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  • imagehmp&mrj:
    An open invite for an entire church????? That is crazy. If the congregation wants to do something for you at the church, they can set it up for after the service on Sunday. Hint, the important part of that is if they want to do something. Don't ask someone to plan you a party. Let your friend hosting the shower provide you with the number of guests she can host.

     This. And asking people to bring food is tacky, tacky, tacky. My shower is being catered in a restaurant with a private room. For 25 people it's going to be roughly $800.00 but my mother always goes overboard and she is the one throwing it. 

     

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  • I'm sorry the Original post gets a big side eye from me.. 
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  • I said all comments were fine and they are. So thank you for all your comments.

    She is actually thrilled with the idea of getting to host my baby's shower and doesn't really want my help, but she is that type. She loves to throw parties! She says she feels honored I asked her. And she actually (after I posted to you all) sent me a note to tell me to invite all I wanted and not feel like I needed to set a limit (and I hadn't even mentioned numbers at all to her)

    I guess I am blessed to have her in my life that she is honored to bless my first child with a shower even if I asked if she wanted to throw me one!

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  • If she is willing to throw you a shower, you need to ask her how many guests she can accommodate, and stick to that. Like pp have said, if your church wants to throw something for you, they will. It would be very inconsiderate to expect your friend to pony up money for such a huge event that YOU want. I would focus on very close friends and family for a shower, and maybe host your own little party or open house for more people to come meet the baby and visit with you.
    Met DH - Aug 2001 :: Married - Jan 2010 :: DD born - Sept 2012

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  • I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

  • imageCoffee&Cream:

    I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

    I think the point is that if you want to have a big party to see all your friends, throw a "I'm visiting and want to see you and introduce my family" party, not ask someone else to throw a shower on your behalf.

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  • imageVineyardMel:
    imageCoffee&Cream:

    I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

    I think the point is that if you want to have a big party to see all your friends, throw a "I'm visiting and want to see you and introduce my family" party, not ask someone else to throw a shower on your behalf.

    I got the point, but respectfully disagree.  It's hard when you live overseas, people don't know if you still want the traditional US things or not.  People don't do baby showers in the UK or Africa.   If her friend is okay with it, then I think it's fine. Yes, it is unconventional, but it is a unique situation.  It's not a meet my family, it is a baby shower celebrating the baby.  It's hard to throw a party too when you don't have a house, access to view venues, even with the Internet, it's hard to do with the time change and response delay.

    Just because the situation is non-traditional doesn't mean it can't work. 

  • imageauroraloo:
    I think asking someone to throw you a shower and then asking your guests to bring their own food (potluck-style) is very, very tacky.
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  • imageauroraloo:
    I think asking someone to throw you a shower and then asking your guests to bring their own food (potluck-style) is very, very tacky.

     I completely agree. You may want to think about cutting down your guest list to something more reasonable/affordable.

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  • imageAirynn Chica:

    She is actually thrilled with the idea of getting to host my baby's shower and doesn't really want my help, but she is that type. She loves to throw parties! She says she feels honored I asked her. And she actually (after I posted to you all) sent me a note to tell me to invite all I wanted and not feel like I needed to set a limit (and I hadn't even mentioned numbers at all to her)

    Well, that's mighty convenient!  Confused

    I get what C&C is saying here, but sorry, it's still tacky as all hell to ASK someone to throw you a shower then expect her to be okay with 50+ guests or a tacky potluck.  And you pretty much openly admit you're a gift grabber with the comment about all the things you can't get where you're at.

    If you want everyone to meet the baby, make it a 'sip and see' type of occasion, no gifts required.

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    anderson . september 2008
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  • imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageVineyardMel:
    imageCoffee&Cream:

    I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

    I think the point is that if you want to have a big party to see all your friends, throw a "I'm visiting and want to see you and introduce my family" party, not ask someone else to throw a shower on your behalf.

    I got the point, but respectfully disagree.  It's hard when you live overseas, people don't know if you still want the traditional US things or not.  People don't do baby showers in the UK or Africa.   If her friend is okay with it, then I think it's fine. Yes, it is unconventional, but it is a unique situation.  It's not a meet my family, it is a baby shower celebrating the baby.  It's hard to throw a party too when you don't have a house, access to view venues, even with the Internet, it's hard to do with the time change and response delay.

    Just because the situation is non-traditional doesn't mean it can't work. 

     Trouble is, the guests will not be from Botswana. They'll be Americans. Americans who understand the difference between a "hey, I'm back in the States and would love for you to meet my baby!" gathering and a "hey, I'm back in the States and I've invited everyone in my church to a party to bring me presents for my baby and cater it themselves!" shower. It's just tacky.

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  • imageDelaBella:
    imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageVineyardMel:
    imageCoffee&Cream:

    I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

    I think the point is that if you want to have a big party to see all your friends, throw a "I'm visiting and want to see you and introduce my family" party, not ask someone else to throw a shower on your behalf.

    I got the point, but respectfully disagree.  It's hard when you live overseas, people don't know if you still want the traditional US things or not.  People don't do baby showers in the UK or Africa.   If her friend is okay with it, then I think it's fine. Yes, it is unconventional, but it is a unique situation.  It's not a meet my family, it is a baby shower celebrating the baby.  It's hard to throw a party too when you don't have a house, access to view venues, even with the Internet, it's hard to do with the time change and response delay.

    Just because the situation is non-traditional doesn't mean it can't work. 

     Trouble is, the guests will not be from Botswana. They'll be Americans. Americans who understand the difference between a "hey, I'm back in the States and would love for you to meet my baby!" gathering and a "hey, I'm back in the States and I've invited everyone in my church to a party to bring me presents for my baby and cater it themselves!" shower. It's just tacky.

    I missed the part about her asking her friend, a little tacky, I agree.  OP are you going to register?  I do agree that I wouldn't do a pot-luck if I expected gifts.  For gifts, someone has to provide the food, etc, in my mind!

     

  • imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageDelaBella:
    imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageVineyardMel:
    imageCoffee&Cream:

    I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

    I think the point is that if you want to have a big party to see all your friends, throw a "I'm visiting and want to see you and introduce my family" party, not ask someone else to throw a shower on your behalf.

    I got the point, but respectfully disagree.  It's hard when you live overseas, people don't know if you still want the traditional US things or not.  People don't do baby showers in the UK or Africa.   If her friend is okay with it, then I think it's fine. Yes, it is unconventional, but it is a unique situation.  It's not a meet my family, it is a baby shower celebrating the baby.  It's hard to throw a party too when you don't have a house, access to view venues, even with the Internet, it's hard to do with the time change and response delay.

    Just because the situation is non-traditional doesn't mean it can't work. 

     Trouble is, the guests will not be from Botswana. They'll be Americans. Americans who understand the difference between a "hey, I'm back in the States and would love for you to meet my baby!" gathering and a "hey, I'm back in the States and I've invited everyone in my church to a party to bring me presents for my baby and cater it themselves!" shower. It's just tacky.

    I missed the part about her asking her friend, a little tacky, I agree.  OP are you going to register?  I do agree that I wouldn't do a pot-luck if I expected gifts.  For gifts, someone has to provide the food, etc, in my mind!

    But they are Americans who know her and want to see her.  I don't think that counts as gift grabbing, etc. They known her situation. 

     

  • imageauroraloo:
    I think asking someone to throw you a shower and then asking your guests to bring their own food (potluck-style) is very, very tacky.

    This 

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  • imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageDelaBella:
    imageCoffee&Cream:
    imageVineyardMel:
    imageCoffee&Cream:

    I feel very differently.  I, too, live overseas, but I am fortunate that I am able to come home at least once per year.  I think there are exceptions to every rule and this is one of them.

    You live in Africa and haven't been able to go home in 2.5 years.  There are going to be a ton of people who want to see you.  When I go home, I am typically so exhausted from trying to see everyone.  I think a welcome baby party is a great idea and that if this is your close friend, she'll understand.  

    What I would do is speak with her that you know about 50 women who would most likely really want to attend and as you haven't seen them in so long you would appreciate the opportunity to see them all at one place and give them the chance to meet your daughter.  I would explain that I won't know what she had in mind, but if this is more than she had in mind, you or your family would be happy to help with the cost.  Emphasises that you appreciate her offer, but explain your situation. 

    Normally I would agree with PPs, but until you've been in a position where you have to cram everyone you typically see over the course of a year in a week's period, you need to be creative.  And a good friend will understand this, this is not a typically shower for someone who is travelling 20 minutes to be with people who are local.  Enjoy your shower! 

    I think the point is that if you want to have a big party to see all your friends, throw a "I'm visiting and want to see you and introduce my family" party, not ask someone else to throw a shower on your behalf.

    I got the point, but respectfully disagree.  It's hard when you live overseas, people don't know if you still want the traditional US things or not.  People don't do baby showers in the UK or Africa.   If her friend is okay with it, then I think it's fine. Yes, it is unconventional, but it is a unique situation.  It's not a meet my family, it is a baby shower celebrating the baby.  It's hard to throw a party too when you don't have a house, access to view venues, even with the Internet, it's hard to do with the time change and response delay.

    Just because the situation is non-traditional doesn't mean it can't work. 

     Trouble is, the guests will not be from Botswana. They'll be Americans. Americans who understand the difference between a "hey, I'm back in the States and would love for you to meet my baby!" gathering and a "hey, I'm back in the States and I've invited everyone in my church to a party to bring me presents for my baby and cater it themselves!" shower. It's just tacky.

    I missed the part about her asking her friend, a little tacky, I agree.  OP are you going to register?  I do agree that I wouldn't do a pot-luck if I expected gifts.  For gifts, someone has to provide the food, etc, in my mind!

    But they are Americans who know her and want to see her.  I don't think that counts as gift grabbing, etc. They known her situation. 

     

    She asked me to register yes. She is going to do a potluck, but run it more like an open house so people can come and eat, talk and see the baby. She is very excited and I know it will be more amazing than I could ever ask for! 

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  • Sorry, but I agree with most of the pp here--I think it's tacky to ask someone to throw you a shower, and then expect guests to not only give you presents, but feed you and everyone else, too because it's expensive. If costs are that big of a concern, don't invite everybody and their dog from church, too.

    Not trying to be hateful, but you're looking extremely gift-grabby here...

  • Are you going to continue to live in Botswana? You're just visiting, right? I'm curious as to how you're going to get all the gifts from this huge shower back to Botswana. I have a feeling that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to ship it all home.

    I also agree that you're looking gift grabby in this situation. There's no way around it. The only way to remedy this would be to have it be a sip and see and not a full blown shower. 

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    Elizabeth Grace 11.20.05 Nora June 7.15.08 Beatrix Catherine 9.4.12
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