Just Curious- How old is too old to be afraid of the dark?

mschocokitty

My SD 11 is still afraid of the dark. She still needs a night light (she doesn't use the restroom at night or anything) and we need to leave a lamp on in the main room. She will take a circuitous route around the house to avoid any dark areas. We have a small house so if one light is on, no place is really dark. I think this is a little old for this fear. After about six, I realized that the biggest danger in the dark was stubbing my toes. Every kid is different, so I don't want to necessarily compare apples to oranges. Just to get a feel- how old were your kids when they were no longer afraid of the dark? 

Ilumine

We are all allowed our fears.  

I would look at figuring out why, in THE MOST NON-ACCUSATORY MANNER POSSIBLE, so you can help her work  With her fears. 

But do not make her feel bad about them. 

AmberMH08

my SD would not sleep alone and finally at 4 almost 5 i made DH kick her out I didnt like getting kicked the crap out of every night... I never let my son sleep in the bed with us. She is 8 and still does the I'm scared of the the dark thing I think its because she sleeps in her brothers room at BM  the brothers are 10 and 6 I would never allow that. We ignore it for the most part she will either sleep alone in the dark like normal ppl or not sleep and stay awake in a dark room... kids will sleep when they are sleepy do not let this habit go on it is a way of her controling and in my opinion no child should have control over the parents or rest of the family.

Ilumine

AmberMH08:

my SD would not sleep alone and finally at 4 almost 5 i made DH kick her out I didnt like getting kicked the crap out of every night... I never let my son sleep in the bed with us. She is 8 and still does the I'm scared of the the dark thing I think its because she sleeps in her brothers room at BM  the brothers are 10 and 6 I would never allow that. We ignore it for the most part she will either sleep alone in the dark like normal ppl or not sleep and stay awake in a dark room... kids will sleep when they are sleepy do not let this habit go on it is a way of her controling and in my opinion no child should have control over the parents or rest of the family.

Wow, empathetic much? 

Not all fears are governed by habit or control. 

And even if it WERE a sign of control, for children (especially at this age or the age of your poor SD) control isnt about controlling other people(in that manical, mean dictatorship way), but about exerting control over his/her own life.  Do a bit of research into child developement.

 

AmberMH08:

We ignore it for the most part she will either sleep alone in the dark like normal ppl or not sleep and stay awake in a dark room...

And this part is just mean.  So you dismiss her habits at her mothers house outright, dont try to work some sensible and compassionate compromise out and instead leave her in the dark...

Again, I get that you think she is trying to RUN your life and all that. But can you honestly say, that in your own life, there hasnt been a time where someone over head you (family, boss, pta president) who could have told you "too bad so sad do it my way, but instead tried to work WITH YOU. 

I had an out of control SS who came to live with us.  He would destroy things.  He would scream and yell and at the age of 13 have temper tantrums reminiscent of a 3 yo.  He even attacked me once and went after DH countless of times. 

But instead of coming down on him for EVER SINGLE ACTION, we worked with many of them to HELP HIM adjust, not force him too. 

Leaving a nightlight in the bedroom of a girl who never had to sleep alone is a pretty DECENT compromise. 

 

Nineoceans

My dad said I did the same stuff when I was a kid and came to visit him and my SM. Two houses and two families is a lot for any kid, I'd just let it go and help her to feel safe and comfortable when she's at your house. The more comfortable she feels the easier it will be for her to grow out of it. My dad said it also used to drive my SM absolutely crazy but it has nothing to do with control or being a bad kid. She's scared and that's ok

SueBear

((sheepishly raising hand))...maybe a few years after 40?

oops, you're asking how old the kids were, not us....uh, I don't have an answer to that question!

Seriously, as someone who is still a little afraid of the dark (and does not have a whole list of phobias aside from that), I'd allow her to have a night light.  Recently dh and the kids were away, I came home and realized I had left a door unlocked (it wasn't open, but it had been unlocked), and I slept with the lights on in the house and the tv on.  I consider myself to be normal!

It did get better as I got older.  I still sleep with a night light, but everyone in the house does, bc I don't want to stumble around in the dark - it's actually quite sensible!   If your SD likes to watch scary movies, read ghost stories, I would put an end to that.  I got a lot better after I stopped watching the Jason (etc) movies with my friends.

10-4LilBuddy

My SD8 is just adjusting to her fear of the dark.  Children aren't eloquent enough to express what is truly bothering them and may say they are afraid of the dark instead of being afraid of being alone, in a differnt place.  I gave my SD three nightlights and if she wanted to fall asleep with the light on, so be it.  We did tell her that we would come in and check on her and turn off the overhead light.  She understood and we weaned her off it.

When we moved, the fear came back, so I made sure she had a stuffed animal who had a very specific job of watching over her.  We talked about it and trained that stuffed animal (funny but effective).  She loved it and now she sleeps well in her own room.  The other weekend, she turned off all the nightlights except the one in her bathroom.  She did it on her own time.

I always have nightlights on in hallways and bathrooms.  I grew up with a nightlight in my attached bathroom until I was 18.  It's just reassuring to me. 

blush64

SueBear:

((sheepishly raising hand))...maybe a few years after 40?

oops, you're asking how old the kids were, not us....uh, I don't have an answer to that question!

Seriously, as someone who is still a little afraid of the dark (and does not have a whole list of phobias aside from that), I'd allow her to have a night light.  Recently dh and the kids were away, I came home and realized I had left a door unlocked (it wasn't open, but it had been unlocked), and I slept with the lights on in the house and the tv on.  I consider myself to be normal!

It did get better as I got older.  I still sleep with a night light, but everyone in the house does, bc I don't want to stumble around in the dark - it's actually quite sensible!   If your SD likes to watch scary movies, read ghost stories, I would put an end to that.  I got a lot better after I stopped watching the Jason (etc) movies with my friends.

This is what I was thinking. I sleep in the dark but I still don't like being in a dark house alone and I'm a lot older than 10 or 12.

When the dark bothered my kids I left their doors open and the bathroom light on, it worked for them. IT wasn't a big deal and it meant everyone would have a comfortable sleep. Talking to them about their fears and why they don't need to be afraid is fine but sometimes it helps to just leave the hall light/nightlight on until they decide they are ok.

jnjmommy0609

Well...25 years old and still afraid of the dark! Fears..they are ridiculous yes but each person no matter the age has to realize that eventually the only person that can change it is themselves. My kids are still on the younger side so can't really compare children. Only myself.

You can help her along the way of course but again she is the only one that can 100 percent get rid of her fears.

Holly_1007

my sister is 24 and still afraid of the dark. not scared of boogy monsters hiding in shadows but she only parks in well lit areas at night/ sleeps with a night light etc.

your SD is transitioning between houses, that is difficult.  as long as its not outrageous (her needing to sleep with every light in the house on all night) a nightlight is fine still.  

FutureMrsWittig

I'm still afraid of the dark.  I'm 25.  I don't like not to be able to see what's coming at me.

Get some nightlights with sensors that turn themselves off when the light is enough and plug them in in her room and along the hall to the bathroom.  She may grow out of it, she may not.  She may grow out of it and then back into it.  I don't think there's a "norm" here, so to speak.

lily_721

I sleep with the closet light on when DH is gone... now.  Growing up, we had nightlights off/on throughout the years.  Sometimes it was in someone's bedroom, hallway, or bathroom.  No one made us feel badly about it.  MIL always has nightlights in the spare bedrooms if we want to use them. 

A nightlight is a very easy compromise for a scared kid.  Why would anyone want a child to suffer anxiety?

wwnbw

I don't need a night light but I'm 25 and scared of the dark.

kali55

SueBear:

((sheepishly raising hand))...maybe a few years after 40?

oops, you're asking how old the kids were, not us....uh, I don't have an answer to that question!

Seriously, as someone who is still a little afraid of the dark (and does not have a whole list of phobias aside from that), I'd allow her to have a night light.  Recently dh and the kids were away, I came home and realized I had left a door unlocked (it wasn't open, but it had been unlocked), and I slept with the lights on in the house and the tv on.  I consider myself to be normal!

It did get better as I got older.  I still sleep with a night light, but everyone in the house does, bc I don't want to stumble around in the dark - it's actually quite sensible!   If your SD likes to watch scary movies, read ghost stories, I would put an end to that.  I got a lot better after I stopped watching the Jason (etc) movies with my friends.

Lol!  This!

If DH is away I leave most of the lights on 

suze423

My SS is 10, turning 11 in August.  Although he claims to not be afraid of the dark, he also refuses to sleep without a nightlight.  He would also leave both the bathroom light and hall light on all night and started crying when we asked him not to.  I think it's pretty ridiculous but if he wants a nightlight that's fine by me.

MarSamWhitney

I get nervous in the dark to this day, and im 31. I leave a light on at night downstairs and have a nightlight in my room- also in DD's room. I just like to be able to see at least a little bit.  I agree w/ PP's  see if you can help your SD with her fear in the nicest way possible. Good luck!

SWmama

-auntie-:

DS was younger, but every kid brings their own spin to this.

DS developed a fear of the dark right after our house was destroyed idn a flood and we moved to a new home. No biggie, we put a low wattage desk lamp near his bed and let him sleep with it. When it burned out, we traded to a dimmer bulb and eventually he didn't need it.

A couple of my friends had kids this age when 9/11 occurred; these kids developed all manner of anxiety around sleep. My younger niece, then 9, moved in with my parents when my sister was sick and camped with my parents for almost 2 years before moving to her own room with a light on a dimmer switch.

 I love this idea. I'm going to file it away for if/when I need it.

 Count me among those who are still afraid of the dark. I keep the lamp on in the living room on the nights when DH isn't home. And the closet/bathroom doors MUST be shut.

I agree with PP's. It seems like NBD she will most likely grow out of it at some point. (or not. But I assure you I'm *mostly* a well adujsted adult.)

RebeccaMay

I have a night light lit all the time in the hallway just so I can see if I get up at night!  Being scared is a more legit reason in my mind.  As long as she's sleeping and not using the light to read, etc, let her have it.  Put motion detector lights in common areas if the light will bother you. 

 Seriously, wanting to have a night light for a little added security is NBD.  The rest she will probably grow out of in her own time. 

 

**Edited cause I thought of something else and had a typo.

karleegirl

AmberMH08:

my SD would not sleep alone and finally at 4 almost 5 i made DH kick her out I didnt like getting kicked the crap out of every night... I never let my son sleep in the bed with us. She is 8 and still does the I'm scared of the the dark thing I think its because she sleeps in her brothers room at BM  the brothers are 10 and 6 I would never allow that. We ignore it for the most part she will either sleep alone in the dark like normal ppl or not sleep and stay awake in a dark room... kids will sleep when they are sleepy do not let this habit go on it is a way of her controling and in my opinion no child should have control over the parents or rest of the family.

Wow just wow. I'm so glad you aren't my kids sm. Illumine said it well to you, but cold and unfeeling was the first thing I thought of about you. I'm 34 and still a little scared of the dark. Put in some night lights and talk to the child about the fears. Don't be-little(sp) them.

outnumbered

AmberMH08:

. kids will sleep when they are sleepy do not let this habit go on it is a way of her controling and in my opinion no child should have control over the parents or rest of the family.

 

So putting a nightlight in her room means that she is controlling the family?  It seems like you are the one with control issues.  You sound mean. 

lax15bsu

Have you asked her why she's so afraid of the dark?  Maybe there is a specific reason for her to be afraid that you can work on.

I had this issue with my SS a few years ago, except he kept sneaking into our room to sleep on the floor at night too.  I got great perspective from the ladies here.  And it turned out that SS's older cousin was scaring him with stories of Bloody Mary and horror movie type characters.  

DH went to the source's parents, asked them to talk with their daughter about telling scary stories to SS.  They did.  And she either stopped telling the stories or told him the truth or SS figured out the truth on his own.  DH also had a talk with SS about how there was nothing to be afraid of.

 We leave the hall light on, dimmed to low.  SS doesn't come sleep in our room anymore (he's 12 now, the height of him coming into our room was around 8yo), and he can sleep with no lights on now.

cynnnabun

Ya I'm 23 and when I turn off all the lights downstairs before bed, I leave the one closest to the steps. Then turn it off and RUN up the stairs. I have to sleep in total dark though. I think my fear is more of someone being in my gigantic downstairs, or watching me. Too many hours of NCIS and Criminal Minds.

A little pathetic, sure. But oh well. I'd give the kid a night light if it's what makes her feel secure and call it a day.

oprastr

My SS is 10 (will be 11 in October) and he sleeps with a desk lamp on in his room.  He also has to have his closet doors shut and prefers the window shut unless he will die of overheating!  He likes it when the dog sleeps under his bed, which she often does when he is with us.  I think she knows he needs some security.  No biggie...if that the dark is the biggest issue we ever have to deal with I think life is going pretty well for all of us!  Unless there are other issues you are concerned about (no friends, bad grades etc.) just let him keep his night light.

Tasheystar

I'm not afraid of what could be under the bed at night when DH is home. When he's not though, I get in and out of bed as fast as I can. Logically, I know there's nothing there but dust rhinos, but that doesn't stop me from not standing beside the bed at night. Keep in mind that I'm in my 30s.

Fears aren't always rational. DH also knows that there's a topic we don't talk about unless we're outside AND it's sunny. I don't even want to write it down. It starts with a G though. You ladies are definitely smart enough to figure that one out.

I leave the hall light on for my kids. I switched the regular bulbs to two night light bulbs, so that it would be dim enough to sleep by, but bright enough to get up to go to the bathroom. I don't see a problem with leaving lights on for the kids. Especially since SD doesn't sleep here every night. I'd hate her to fall while getting up.

InfinityDreamer

I am still afraid of the dark.  When DH works late I leave all the lights on in the house, including not just a night light but the overhead lights in my bedroom to sleep.  If I need to go into a room that has the lights off I hold my breath, and run to the nearest light switch and then scan the room to make sure I am the only one in it. 

Does her fear of the dark impact you in a substantially negative way?  Why not just let her grow out of it, or help her figure out how to feel safe and get past those fears? 

karatechrissy

I'm 26 and still have an irrational fear of the dark. I turn lights on if I'm up in the middle of the night, and I leap to my bed to get bak in from 3 ft away. I know there is nothing there, I know that. But I'm still terrified something is there... 

mschocokitty

We had about a million other details to worry about in our adjustment to a full-time living situation, so the light isn't a big deal. We don't harass her about it or anything; I just wanted a feel for if she will "grow out of it" or if we should be more proactive about it. I think Amber MHO8 can be cut some slack. I was raised (with a stepfather) just as she is suggesting and don't think I was traumatized by it or anything. In fact, I am grateful he made me conquer several of my fears, the dark being one of them. Times have changed though, and the "suck" it up attitudes some of us were raised with isn't what we all would agree with for our own children. 

Tasheystar

I disagree with you mschocokitty. I grew up with the "suck it up" attitude as you mentioned, and I do raise DS like that to a certain extent. Just not when it comes to things that SCARE him. My dad still doesn't understand why/how I'm afraid of bees. He used to be quite derisive about it. Not some of my fondest memories.

 

mschocokitty

Tasheystar:

I disagree with you mschocokitty. I grew up with the "suck it up" attitude as you mentioned, and I do raise DS like that to a certain extent. Just not when it comes to things that SCARE him. My dad still doesn't understand why/how I'm afraid of bees. He used to be quite derisive about it. Not some of my fondest memories.

 

I think we actually do agree. We are choosing not to raise our kids with the same philosophy even though that was what we were raised with. I know my personality could handle the firm hand kind of thing, but not every child is the same-especially with fears. 

HeartyMom

My 12 year old still turns on the hall light to walk the 5ft to his bedroom, and I can't bring myself to walk the dogs at night- too creepy.

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters- there's no right age for outgrowing this sort of thing. One thing that may bring sanity to the house is letting her keep a flashlight by her bed for security or green/blue Christmas lights run along baseboards help too. (I found them to be somewhat discreet) Hardware stores also carry those tiny low-wattage tap puck lights that you could place in small areas for lower light. Hope it helps provide a more functional compromise in the house...