2nd Trimester

My friend outed my pregnancy on facebook

So . . . I'm full of mixed emotions and curious as to how other prego ladies would feel under these circumstances:

A very dear friend of mine hosted a dinner at her house in my honor (for no reason other than the fact that I'm pregnant).  She went all out -- preparing all the foods I've been craving, decorating beautifully, and even preparing trivia games about my home state (for which I've been homesick lately).  That was two nights ago.

Today, she posted a picture of me on facebook with the caption: "The lovely mommy-to-be."  And tagged me in it.  Granted, I'm 5 months pregnant . . . but I hadn't "come out" on facebook.  While everyone that sees me can tell, I didn't necessarily feel comfortable posting it so publicly.

My emotions are very mixed: on the one hand, she's a great friend who is very excited about my pregnancy.  And I'm well into my second trimester.  On the other hand, I would NEVER "out" someone as pregnant on facebook.  I just see that as a privacy issue.  I have no problem asking her to remove the picture.  I just don't know how upset I should feel.  

How would you take this?

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Re: My friend outed my pregnancy on facebook

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  • From your friend's perspective, she made the reasonable assumption that someone who is 5 months pregnant and showing is "out."

     I am a week behind you, and I have not publicly announced on FB either.  That is where that old saying about ASSumptions comes from. I would ask her privately to take down the caption. If anyone asks you about it as a result, well, it's not like it was going to be a secret much longer anyway.

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  • I would be offended. I am not a big FaceBook person though. My wedding pictures aren't on FaceBook (but I didn't make guests that attended not post theirs or anything).

    I haven't put the pregnancy on FaceBook and everyone we have told, I have followed it with, "...but please don't post anything on FaceBook."

    Soo I guess my answer is, your feelings should be directly proportional to how you have told friends and family to go about handling your pregnancy news. Your friend probably assumed since you accepted a party from her (with guests and all) that you were ready to be "that public" about it. It's very common these days to just assume, if someone is taking pictures, they will be on FaceBook.

     

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  • nealblnealbl member

    Did she know you did not want this info known on FB. If you have told everyone you know and it is very obvious she proabably didn't even think twice about psoting this. It sounds to me like a great friend threw an awesome party and then posted pics of it. Most people would probably do the same thing.

    I think you can request her to remove the picture and explain why, but if she was unaware that you were keeping it off FB, I don't think you should feel upset towards her at all.

     

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  • Maybe she assumed everyone on FB knew since you're so far along ? It's kind of hard to say something since she so generously threw you a party. I wouldn't get worked up about it.

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  • Yeah, I see your point.  Your question, "if anyone who sees you can tell, what makes you uncomfortable about telling people you DO know?", is a good one.  I honestly don't have a reasonable answer for that.  I just felt very weird seeing the post.  Maybe because I'm "friends" on facebook with some people that I'm not super close with?  But then again, I'm not super close with the people I ride the subway with either. . .  

    I really am not sure why it's bothering me.  I guess I should just relax, and go with it. 

  • Lurking from third tri!

    She may not have thought about it at all. My sister outed my engagement on FB. I wanted to be really upset about it except I knew she would never intentionally share my news before I could. She was just so excited it never crossed her mind. I assume your friend meant no harm...By all means, be annoyed but if you tell her to take the picture down I'm sure she will then realize what she did.

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  • I think you're very lucky to have such a thoughtful friend. None of my friends have done anything sweet like that. I would take it easy on her. She probably didn't know and is just really excited for you! 
  • I'm really not sure what the big deal is here. Her dinner party in your honor sounds like a beautiful thing. Friends like that are hard to find. Lighten up, Francis

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  • She sounds like a very sweet friend who is excited about your pregnancy. I wouldn't say anything to her. If it bothers you, untag yourself in the photo. You can also set your settings to require your approval when people tag you in a post or photo. That way it doesn't show up on your wall unless you want it to.
  • I wouldn't mind at all - sort of takes the pressure off any sort of announcement.  It's more odd when someone you didn't know was pregnant all of sudden starts posting about babies and baby poop. 

     

    Two boys already - ages 5 and 3...

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  • Maybe she was just unaware of the fact that you hadn't mentioned it on FB or that you didn't want to. It's not like she blurted it out to your parents or something it was just FB and anyone who is anyone knows by now right?

    I completelyyy understand not wanting people on FB to know before your family or before you're ready for anyone to know. I actually make it a point to tell people "Don't put that on FB yet until I've told my Dad, Grandma etc..." I did that with the sex of the baby and choosing her name. I didn't want certain people to find out or to "accidentally" tell a close relative before I got to because they saw it on FB. 

    It doesn't seem like such a big deal to me unless you were planning some huge FB reveal? 

    She sounds like a super sweet friend by the way... 

     

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  • Unless you specifically told her not to put anything on fb, then she didn't do anything wrong. You should have warned her if you felt so strongly about it. My sister outed me when I was only 6 weeks or so with my second baby. I wasn't mad, I just thought to myself 1. I should have told her not to say anything and 2. That was a dumb move on her part because that early on, she should have known better. I have now learned my lesson and make she to tell her and everyone else what I don't want posted on fb.
  • imageelmoali:

    You've got to look at this for what it is.  You're out to everyone you know and see on the street and you're 5 months.  It's not like you're 4 weeks.  Just because you haven't come out on FB doesn't mean she should have realized that and realized it was intentional.  Out of curiosity, if anyone who sees you can tell, what makes you uncomfortable about telling peopel you DO know?

    Edited to throw a missing word up there.

     

    can't speak for the OP, but my husband and I have decided that if we don't see someone in person for 9 months they don't need to know we're pregnant :-)  only people we see in person (or family that lives out of state we will tell by phone) will know - otherwise you'll find out when we show up with an extra kid the next time we see you.  We figured that pregnancy is a personal thing and social media is not. (you = general you)

  • imagewannabigfam:
    imageelmoali:

    You've got to look at this for what it is.  You're out to everyone you know and see on the street and you're 5 months.  It's not like you're 4 weeks.  Just because you haven't come out on FB doesn't mean she should have realized that and realized it was intentional.  Out of curiosity, if anyone who sees you can tell, what makes you uncomfortable about telling peopel you DO know?

    Edited to throw a missing word up there.

     

    can't speak for the OP, but my husband and I have decided that if we don't see someone in person for 9 months they don't need to know we're pregnant :-)  only people we see in person (or family that lives out of state we will tell by phone) will know - otherwise you'll find out when we show up with an extra kid the next time we see you.  We figured that pregnancy is a personal thing and social media is not. (you = general you)

    That's all fine and good until someone who has seen you in the last few months tells someone who hasn't, which of course isn't an occurrence unique to the social media age, either. It's one thing to decide that you, for yourself, aren't putting your pregnancy on facebook, but rather another to extend that edict to other people, who may do things like post a group photo in which you're visibly pregnant.  

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  • imageDelBride2012:
    imagewannabigfam:
    imageelmoali:

    You've got to look at this for what it is.  You're out to everyone you know and see on the street and you're 5 months.  It's not like you're 4 weeks.  Just because you haven't come out on FB doesn't mean she should have realized that and realized it was intentional.  Out of curiosity, if anyone who sees you can tell, what makes you uncomfortable about telling peopel you DO know?

    Edited to throw a missing word up there.

     

    can't speak for the OP, but my husband and I have decided that if we don't see someone in person for 9 months they don't need to know we're pregnant :-)  only people we see in person (or family that lives out of state we will tell by phone) will know - otherwise you'll find out when we show up with an extra kid the next time we see you.  We figured that pregnancy is a personal thing and social media is not. (you = general you)

    That's all fine and good until someone who has seen you in the last few months tells someone who hasn't, which of course isn't an occurrence unique to the social media age, either. It's one thing to decide that you, for yourself, aren't putting your pregnancy on facebook, but rather another to extend that edict to other people, who may do things like post a group photo in which you're visibly pregnant.  

     

    Very true.  We have told anyone we have seen that we're not sharing the news on facebook.  But I can't imagine if I was at a party where people were taking pictures of me I could control the news from getting out. 

  • imageloolabell15:
    I think you're very lucky to have such a thoughtful friend. None of my friends have done anything sweet like that. I would take it easy on her. She probably didn't know and is just really excited for you! 

     Exactly this. Can you clone her and send her my way? 

    I can see why it'd be weird for you to see the post from someone else about your pregnancy. Perhaps this is why it is so weird for you, simply because you haven't seen it in writing? For me, this really solidified my pregnancy.

    Try seeing it from the, "My friend is overjoyed for me and I'm lucky to have such a supportive person in my life who is SO excited she's taking this journey with me!" stance and see if that helps. It sounds like she would gladly take off the picture if you asked her to, though.

    Congrats!! :)  

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  • Was she aware that you hadn't spilled on Facebook yet?  Even if she was, it sounds like she just is excited for you and wanted to share in your pregnancy.  People get a little crazy when they get excited :)

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  • LorMorLorMor member

    I've been wondering the same thing: I'm not out on FB, but it's not a secret at all. I just didn't want it on FB. I don't know how I'd react if someone outed me like that, I guess I'd just shrug it off and be done with it. It doesn't mean that it will show up in everybody's news feed. 

    If it bothers you, you could just ignore it - the more you comment/like/fuss, the more it shows up.

     

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  • Another reason I have been FB Free for over a year now... I detest picture tagging.
  • I wouldn't be offended at all, but I do understand not announcing it on FB.

    I haven't posted anything on FB about my pregnancy.  But, I'm also very private about it in real life too.... I'm not sure what my issue is with privacy all of a sudden.  If someone mentioned it on FB, I'd just go with it at this point. 

    DH's friends were offended that they had not been told when they came to visit this weekend.  I hate how people think they are entitled to knowing everything!  We see them once a year and they are not close friends.   

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  • This happened with one of my friends too.  She just didn't notice that there was nothing posted about it yet.  She felt really bad when another friend called out the comment.  I wasn't upset, as it was bound to happen, but I did feel bad for my friend who was just trying to be encouraging.
  • edited November 2013
    First off, I wasn't showing until 7 months.  At 5 months I had barely grokked that I was pregnant or told anyone.  So 5 months doesn't seem that far along to me, and I'd have been uncomfortable if other people started making FB posts about my pregnancy at that point.

    I am now days away from my due date, and I haven't put anything on FB except updates visible to a few close friends.

    The other day I came back from a painful pelvic check at the OB to find that two hours before, my former boss had posted some link to a news article about a machine that can be stuck up a woman's vagina to speed up birth a little, and tagged me in it saying "hey, why don't you use this?"  His post was set to full public visibility, as are most of his posts since he's kind of a FB exhibitionist.

    I was really irritated.  It's not a secret that I'm pregnant, but I also haven't told anyone I don't see in real life.  Even if I had made a public announcement to all of my FB friends, I didn't appreciate that kind of crude announcement visible to hundreds of *his* friends--which include many former coworkers of mine whom I'm not close to and at least one whom I really dislike--let alone to the entire Internet.  As far as his friends, these are not people who ever would have known that I had a baby had he not announced it.  And as far as the general Internet, at that point it's a safety issue.

    I was pretty annoyed.  But then, it's not like he's a close friend who threw me a dinner party or anything else; he was just trying to be cute.  I might feel differently if our interaction was more like you have with your friend.

    Be a little annoyed, and then forgive your friend.  She meant well and I assume all of her friends would eventually have found out anyway.

  • Although I don't think it is her place, if you didn't tell her not to say anything you can't really be that upset. I had a friend who outed me sort of on facebook when I hadn't even told my father. I was like "oh shit!" But I didn't get mad because I had announced it to everyone on facebook by then ( I have two facebooks, one for professional reasons which is where I have all my family, and one for fun which my family and employers are blocked so they would never see anything I post anyways). I never told her it was a secret to those people so it's not her fault. That's just my opinion though

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  • LorMor said:

    I've been wondering the same thing: I'm not out on FB, but it's not a secret at all. I just didn't want it on FB. I don't know how I'd react if someone outed me like that, I guess I'd just shrug it off and be done with it. It doesn't mean that it will show up in everybody's news feed. 

    If it bothers you, you could just ignore it - the more you comment/like/fuss, the more it shows up.

     

    I have a very similar situation.  I am out, but not out on FB.  To make matters worse (to my vain self), a friend just posted a picture where I am tagged and I don't look obviously pregnant -- just very big -- I'm wearing kind of a baggy sweater, not a tight fitting maternity shirt.  i.e. if you knew I was pregnant, I look pregnant, but if you hadn't seen me in 15 years, you might just think I gained a ton of weight.  And the photo says nothing about me being pregnant; just thrown up there.  I untagged myself so quick and removed it from my timeline.  I don't actually think I'll make any sort of FB announcement, and I certainly don't need a "fat" picture of me up there!  Ha ha. 
  • I would just get over it. She sounds like a fantastic friend who did something very nice for you. She very likely didn't realize you still wouldn't have gone fb public by 5 months.
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  • While I don't think it was too tactful of her to do that if you didn't want to post anything on social media, I think it is different due to how far along you are in your pregnancy.  If you were still in your first tri, I would say go ahead and be livid!

    I would say something to her if you do not want anything on Facebook.  She seems like a sweet friend by throwing you that party and probably didn't mean to upset you.
  • A similar thing happened to me with my first.  I was 5 months pregnant at my sister's baby shower and her MIL posted pics on Facebook and tagged me in them (without telling me).  I was mad at first, but got over it.  There was really nothing I could do at that point.
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  • It would be one thing if you were newly pregnant. She probably assumed you WERE out since you are 5 months along. Personally, if I had been your friend, I would have asked you if it was FB public knowledge yet before tagging you in anything. Definitely a FB faux pas...but not unforgiveable, especially since she is so excited and doing nice things for you.

    Personally, I'd let it go.

    A
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  • I would be a little upset myself if someone did this to me.  I do think that if your friend gave you an awesome party and took photos, then there was a good chance that she would put it on facebook.  I would have mentioned at the party that you didn't want it announced on facebook.  
  • Did you ask her not to tell? I ask everyone in my family not to tell and to keep it off social media. My baby, my body, my rules. 

    I understand the frustration though, just ask her to remove it and tell her you're not comfortable sharing that info publicly.
  • I would be offended. It is exciting to tell everyone you are pregnant. Parents, siblings, friends, and the fb world. You got robbed. Whenever someone would comment on my fb about my bump I deleted it immediately until I was ready to share the news.
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  • I agree that you should be put out, there's a big difference between telling people you know and posting stuff in a public forum.  Most of my friends/family asked us if we were public when we told them.  That being said, not much you can do except for:
    a) Tell her to take it down
    b) Be careful about establishing guidelines when you tell her stuff in the future.  Really this is a good general guideline with most people.


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  • Does she know that you haven't made it public yet? If she's that great of a friend, it doesn't sound like she would do it on purpose. I would just speak with her.
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