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Blended Families
Holly_1007
member
in limbo
Holly_1007
member
DH had his job interview this week, he got back tuesday. he won't hear back until this coming wednesday about weather he got the position or not. so everything is at a complete stand still. I have things I need to do for my pregnancy that I'm waiting on, potential job offers (nothing fancy, just nannying and some side accounting jobs) etc.
As DS sits here crying because daddy had to leave AGAIN. (to bring SD to her stupid soccer crap that I never even agreed to in the first place) I decided if he gets the job, DS and I will go with him.
This post is about to get completely flamable and I'm being outrageously selfish... but at least I can admit it, right?
I'm sick of DH not being able to spend time with DS and I due to having to work so much, and all the crap he has had to do with SD all the time. Its not my kid. if he is comfortable leaving her, fine by me. just means more time for DH to spend with me, DS and baby. I'm not going to stick up for her anymore. BM is a freaking nightmare runaway freight train. I'm done dealing with her (even though, I really don't, I've left it all to DH lately, which is probably adding to the nightmare)
I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck. It is going to be tough at first, but it will eventually be worth it.
I'm sick of MIL and her blatant disrespect for me, disregard for DS, and obsession with SD/DH.
I'm not looking forward to packing up and moving at 8 months pregnant. dreading it actually. but I will get through it. I'm not looking forward to finding new doctors/ hospital within a month of delivering, either. and I'm especially not looking forward to the car ride down there (13 hours without stops- so we're looking at 2 days in the car) but I will get through it. and I'm pretty nervous about putting our house on the market, since we really don't have any savings to "float" the mortgage for a few months.
anyway, DH is pretty sure he got it. although who knows. guess we will see on wednesday.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: in limbo
honestly, no. he's not. he's bare minimum with her, as he's always been. I've always been the one to push him to spend more time with SD. and I just took a step back a few months ago and stopped, and he's back to bare minimum again. this month is just crazy because of her soccer, her kindergarten graduation, fathers day, and her birthday (which she is having 3 parties for *eyeroll*) so It feels like even more of his time is devoted to her, even though its not the norm, I'm just being hormonal and hate seeing my DS upset because he misses his daddy.
I still suggest you talk to him, even if it is focused on DS's feelings. He may not realize the toll it is taking on DS. Unfortunately if bare minimum is all he usually does for SD, that will probably never change until she stands up to him. You were right in stepping back from it some. I do worry though about how SD is feeling in this, she may feel like she is being abandoned by you and her father.
It's a hard situation which ever way you look at. Maybe talk to DH and then sit down as a family with SD and talk. Even though she is not your child biologically, she deserves honesty, respect, and to be involved. Just my 2 cents since I live/lived on both sides, product of divorce and so are DS and DD.
If he gets the job, well actually, regardless of the job outcome. there will be a major discussion to be had. that's for sure. We are both anticipating it, again, just in limbo right now.
SD is used to it from him, tbh. she enjoys her time with us and with ds, and seems pretty content with BM and BM's new husband. she is a relatively adjusted child (due to DH&BM divorcing when she was very young)
anyway. SD doesn't know about the move yet. we didn't want to tell her in case nothing came of it. so again, we are in limbo with that situation as well.. (she's only 6) but a discussion will be held with her as well if we decide to move.
BIG HUGS! I feel for you on so many levels it's ridiculous.
You're pregnant and doing all of this is hard when you feel great -being pregnant and feeling great don't always go together. Sometimes you need to just let it out and be human for a minute.
This too shall pass and you will find balance though admittedly not for a while. Hang in there I know it's cliche. I'm hoping you get to have some time to relax- or scream or both.
I would really, strongly encourage you to have a backup plan.
As in, I would sit down with a legal pad and start making lists.
- What happens if you stay? Your current situation is unsustainable. Are you going to insist on marriage counseling? Are you going to try and temp?
- What happens if you move and your house doesn't sell after 3 months? 6 months? A year? Have you looked into rental management companies? Will you declare bankruptcy?
- What happens if you go and things don't get any better? What if you are miserable? Have you considered what a nightmare a divorce will be if you have a house you can't sell?
I'm not trying to be mean. I wish someone had made me answer these questions before XH and I moved away. The stress of the move, the new job, having a new baby, and not having any friends or support system magnified our marriage problems 1000x, and our marriage was okayish, whereas yours sounds a bit more dire.
You need to do what you're going to do, but you sound very depressed and resigned to what you think is a terrible situation. And that's just no way to live.
honestly, my support network here sucks anyway. most of my friends are still at the "partying" phase of their lives, my family is not close at all and DH's family drives me insane. I totally get what you are saying about SD, nothing I can do about it. I told him time and again that I couldn't believe he would move away from SD, but it isn't my decision. BM makes his life a living hell, and although he enjoys his time with SD his reasoning is that she "is mostly raised by BM/ BM's new husband anyway, she is safe and content with BM and not emotionally upset in general" Not sure how us moving is going to affect her, if it even happens.
I can honestly say he is a completely different father to SD than to DS. He is fine going weeks without seeing SD, but if he goes a few days without seeing DS he freaks out. nothing I can do about this, his relationship with SD was established long before DS came into the picture. I've done everything I can to encourage him to be the same with SD as he is with DS, he just doesn't want to deal with the trainwreck that is BM. I really cant say I blame either of them... BM is used to doing whatever she wants whenever she wants and not having anyone to answer to, so when he questions her on something (mostly due to my encouragement) she flips out.
We are in couples therapy, we have had 2 sessions and the therapist has highly suggested that DH see someone else outside of our therapy, due to his issues with his own father, his mother, and his relationship with SD/BM. I'm really happy that SHE suggested this, and it didn't have to come from me.
hopefully with the increased income/ lower COL and me getting a job he won't have to work his butt off all the time and can spend more time with us as a family. plus (this is selfish, I know) being long distance, we won't have to share DH with SD as frequently. and I honestly think it will make him appreciate the time he has with SD much more if he see's her less frequently. personally, I could NEVER in 48598439638 years leave my child, but like I've been saying, its not my call. I really don't think he understands the effect this is going to have on her, or the fact that he is only going to get to see her 2-3x a year (he thinks he will get every school break/holiday/ long weekend, etc)
anyway, thanks for helping me look at the other sides of this, I'm really trying to examine it from every point of view. guess we will see what happens wednesday!
I know they aren't real. I'm not trying to build a fantasy, just trying to express what my opinions and views are. I have not changed any aspect of my story to make it a "fairy tale". trust me, this is NOT a fairy tale
I was originally fighting against leaving SD, for the sake of the relationships of DS and the baby, but it really isn't my call if DH wants to leave SD. I have to look out for the best interest of MY children. the situation we are living in right now is miserable. if SD was in a situation where BM was addicted to drugs/ abusive/ neglectful etc, I would fight more about moving. she is a decent mom. I don't agree with some of the things she does, and I definitely don't agree with the way she interacts with DH, but she doesn't beat the snot out of SD, so who am I to really get involved if DH wants to move?
trust me- I have thought of ALL of this. I have sought advice from friends, internet strangers, and therapists. If I try to "make him see reason" and not go- then I'm accused of "holding him back from his dreams". my FFFC last week was that I'm hoping he doesn't even get the job, because it will come down to ME having to make the decision weather we go or not. he's selfish and thinks this is "what's best for our family". I'm the logical one, examining every aspect.
Why do you think I'm so damn depressed about this situation?? I don't WANT him to be a shitty dad to SD (or any of the kids) and I know he can be a decent dad to DS, doesn't SD deserve the same?? absolutely! but I cannot change what happened in the past with their relationship- I cannot change the nightmare that is BM (and trust me, I spent a good 6 months in therapy trying to figure this out and coming to these conclusions)
I've spent the past 3 yrs trying to encourage him to be a good father, to both DS and SD, because part of it is my responsibility. he has no father figure in his life and never been around children, but even after all my pushing and pushing, he just doesn't get it with SD. I'm done pushing!! all it did was put a huge strain on our marriage. I've been completely passive with everything since the lying crap started, as a lot of people said I was being " too controlling" and that I needed to step back. so I did. our relationship is better, but his relationship with SD isn't.
so what do I do?
It's your decision too that's why. I can't even believe you said "so who am I to get involved if DH wants to move?"
You are making the choice just as much as him to move and distance the children. That is your choice. Your children will hold you just as responsible when they are older for this decision. It doesn't matter if BM is not on drugs, ect. I would never move away from my SKs where my DS could not have a close relationship with them regardless of if my DH wanted to or not for job reasons.
I don't think anyone here can tell you what you should do. I can tell you what I would do.
- I'd flat out tell MH that now is not a good time to plan a move, and that with a young child, another on the way, and with SD being here, it's not something I'm going to support.
- I'd ask if we can sit down together and come up with a 5-year plan and talk about the steps that can get us where we want to be. If he wants to move, then come up with a responsible timeline & financial goals that make sense for your family.
- I'd insist on marriage counseling, and if the therapist recommended individual counseling for him, I would ask that he follow through with that.
- I'd start doing anything I could to supplement the household income. Temping, babysitting, etc. There's also stuff like e-lance.com that you can do from home.
I can't say whether you're too controlling. But based on what you've posted here, YH is making selfish, irresponsible decisions. He lies to you. He's pursuing this job despite knowing it will take him away from his child and knowing that it's not what you want.
Like I posted before, just the housing issue would mean a veto from me. Why is YH willing to trash your credit? Why are you willing to let him? Maybe you've moving into a lower COL area, but have you really worked out all the numbers? Are you absolutely certain that you won't be in worse shape than you are now?
My credit got trashed during my divorce (think 720 to 550 or so), and I still resent XH for it. Let's say you move, you let him trash your credit, and now you're in a new state where you know no one, and your marriage falls apart. You have no friends or support system, no place to go, and terrible credit. How are you going to get an apartment or even a credit card?
these are great suggestions- thank you for the helpful input- even though I know It comes from your own unfortunate experience, I'm happy you are in a better place right now.
DH will be turning 32 this year- pretty much the cut-off for any police dept job (his dream job). He has been trying desperately for the past 3+ years (and passively for years before that) to find a police job in our area, its just not going to happen. If he gets offered this job- its now or never. talk about a shiitton of pressure on me.
I have an accounting degree- I've done the math & played with the numbers, we are honestly stupid if we pass up this job as far as the financial aspect goes- not to mention the retirement benefits etc.
DH live in a fantasy, he truly thinks our house will be sold/rented before we go. he really doesn't think that it would come down to us crashing our credit (perhaps he has an evil scheme worked up with his mother that she will "loan" us money so we don't go bankrupt on our current house- who knows)
I am absolutely adamant that we continue our marriage counseling and am going to be pretty pushy tomorrow morning that he get on the phone and find an individual therapist. we can't afford multiple co-pays a week so we will probably do every other or every 3 weeks, but its better than nothing.
I can understand feeling like his birthday is a deadline. It still doesn't change what I would do, though. It might seem harsh, but my attitude would be that he needs to find another dream. He is a husband and a parent. I don't remember enough of your backstory to know whether he chose to have SD, but he certainly chose to marry you and have babies. That limits his choices. Maybe it sucks for him, but it is what it is.
Even if YH is living in a fantasy, you need to make him answer all these what ifs, and if he is truly willing to destroy your credit over his dream, I would be really suspicious of what other ways he would step on you to get where he wants.
You've posted about how he's a different parent to your DS than he is to your SD. And maybe he is, but there is a clear pattern of irresponsible choices and selfish decisions. He's putting his "dream" before you and SD, and if your credit goes down the drain, I really worry about your ability to get out of this situation.
I hate to be all doom and gloom, I'm just really worried for you and your kids.
Felles is making a great point about you potentially letting him ruin your credit due to this crazy scenario he has put in his head - what will you do then? You said your support system isn't great anyway, so who will help you, if the doors close on you?
What would you do, if you don't qualify for an apartment should you guys not work out in the new town? Can you imagine - you wouldn't be able to get your own place, but he would. It doesn't matter you have a bit of savings - you need credit to qualify to rent. Who do you think would have a better chance at getting custody of YOUR children - him or you? (I'm saying - maybe he would fight you for custody, since you're saying he is a very involved dad with YOUR son, though not SD)
Would you be ok with being put in a situation where you sacrificed blindly for him so much, that he would indeed have his great paying job, a retirement going for him - the ability to rent his own place - against you - who has not been in the workforce in a while because you have been bearing and raising his kids, whose credit got trashed because the house didn't sell and you lost it and now you guys didn't work out, and you wouldn't even be able to establish your own residence because of bad credit in front of a custody judge?? Don't allow it!!
I think you're turning the other way when it comes to SD because it's another stressor in your life, but deep inside you must know how big of an indicator this is about your husband's integrity. This is a huge red flag - he has no problem abandoning his child in lieu of pursuing selfish dreams. Now, you're still with him, so it looks like he won't do this to you, but this alone should alarm you about this man's thought process and what is really important to HIM when it comes down to it. If you end up in his way one day - you better watch out. He just might steamroll right over you, just like he's doing now with his own flesh and blood - his DAUGHTER.
thank you felles and hopanka-
you ladies have definitely given me some things to think about. if he does get offered the job on wednesday I plan on presenting these points to him to see what his input is.
you're right- I do need to stand up for myself and my children and approach this very cautiously.
I am still secretly (well- not so secretly with you ladies) hoping that he doesn't even get the job, then this whole situation will be a non-issue.
If DH is comfortable moving away from SD then it would be a non issue for me. I personally believe that SD parents are responsible for her well being. He is her parent.
If the move is more important to him than staying in that location is to you then I would move. This is his dream job and after all you did the numbers and it makes sense, so why not?
I would also make therapy a must whether you stay or go.
My biggest issue is that I would absolutely NOT allow my credit to tank. BEFORE he accepts the job you guys need to have a plan for the house and know what your options are. Contact your bank and see what you options are in regards to your mortgage. See if you can go on interest only payments or take a break for a time if need be. Getting that sorted now should be your priority.
If he wants to let his mother pay for your house then let him.
Now for your DH... he is making the decision to move based solely on fear. When I have X job and earn X amount I will be happy. Its not true and as soon as you get there he will realise it.
If you are the type of person who thinks like that you will still be the type of person who thinks like that when you get there, there will simply be something else you are striving for.
Your DH needs to stop running. He needs to get therapy to stop his life spiralling. He needs to be able to stand still and appreciate what he has right now. A beautiful wife and STB three beautiful healthy children. More than most men could dream of...
I can tell you that until he stops running he will never be happy and he will drag you and those kids with him chasing imaginary happiness.
To get to where he thinks he will be happy he is about to abandon a child he brought into the world without much thought. That alone tells you he is not thinking clearly but running. Your Dh is not happy IN HIMSELF. Thus he cannot be happy with you or SD. Don't fool yourself into thinking he is happy with your DS. He may be making more of an effort BUT he is still unhappy on the inside.
The problem you have is... if you don't move you are killing his dream (in his mind) and if you do you are setting yourself up for possible failure. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I think you are absolutely right in that you have to make this decision based on what is best for you and for your kids. It is your duty to protect them and stand up for them.
If you genuinely believe that you will have a much support after the move, you will have more income, more time together and he will go to therapy down there then I suggest you move. Give yourselves a chance.
Maybe he will stop long running long enough to get the help he needs.
Never mind making lists, sit down and breath and listen to your gut instinct. What is the best decision for you?
Whatever you do therapy is a must.
I don?t envy you right now.