Unlurking myslef with a BM vent...its long

dashiellove

Background: SD was born in 2003.DH and BM got divorced in 2005, the judge decided to take away her parental rights, DH has had full custody of her. BM started abusing drugs in 2004, and became and addict. Shes been coming and going in SDs life as she pleases since. DH and I got married almost 3 years ago (2009), had been dating for a year prior. In the 4 years we have been together she has been there for there 5th and 6th birthdays, dropped off an easter basket 2 years ago and we met her on Christmas eve 2 years ago so she could see SD. DH and I had DD in 2010.

We moved to FL from WI in May of 2011. Since we have moved she has called once, on SDs birthday last year. She told her she had sent her present that day...of coarse we never got it. After DH confronted her about it of coarse she made up some story and said she was sending it that week....never arrived. We haven't heard from her for the past 11 months.

SDs birthday is July 2nd. Last night she called, SD answered the phone, they talked for about 10 minutes and then the conversation was over. SD came and told us that she wants to leave and live with BM, she doesnt want to live with us. I understand that she is only 8 and does not understand the full situation but it is SO HARD to hear her say that.

DH and I talked about it and just don't know what to do. BM is still heavily abusing drugs, has no job, lives with her boyfriends parents and is overall destructive. Nothing has changed with her. SD has been doing so well, our relationship is better than it has ever been. Last night when it all came to a screeching halt. Shes been extremely upset since last night.

We just don't know what to do in this situation now. Do we tell BM to leave her alone? Do we let them speak until BM disappears once more?

Thanks for letting me vent. If you made it all the way to the end you deserve a cupcake!

VedaFlash

We have a similar BM...  Drugs, rights taken, hardly ever in the picture, tells kids about gifts they never get, lives out of state, etc....  Well you really don't need to tell SD about the drugs and specifics but just tell her that her mom is having problems and she can't live with her mom.  Tell her that her mom needs to focus on making herself better, and take care of herself first, before she can take care of anyone else.  Try to explain on her level, don't bad mouth BM, but don't make excuses for her either.  Good luck!  It's hard on our kids but you need to just be there for hugs and love and support.  Kids eventually find out their parents' true colors.

SueBear

I would tell her that a judge decided that H would be a better parent for her, and she has to abide by that decision until she is older.  If she still feels the same way when she is 16 she can talk to a judge herself and you can talk about changing the way things work.

I'm wondering if it's wise to allow SD to have "unsupervised" conversations with her mom, since her mom has a history of lying and God only knows what she is telling SD.

dashiellove

we have just been telling her that BM is sick and is trying to get better. SD is starting to ask questions though and it is getting harder to answer them. We don't speak badly about her and we are as positive as we can be about her relationship with her mom. Thanks for the advice.

dashiellove

SueBear:

I'm wondering if it's wise to allow SD to have "unsupervised" conversations with her mom, since her mom has a history of lying and God only knows what she is telling SD.

Last night was the first conversation that they have had in a year. It completely took us off guard but I agree that it is not a wise decision. From now on though all conversations will be made on the house phone on speaker and either DH or I will be there to supervise.

karatechrissy

As far as supervising calls, I agree. But I must throw some two cents in as to HOW you do it. Maybe have them i the kitchen/living room (a more high traffic area) and don't just sit there listening. Be doing dishes, Or chopping food up or playing cards... If you make it seem like you are 'supervising' your SD may get upset and start resenting you guys. Especially since she doesn't know what's really going on. When I was younger I had calls scheduled w my dad every Thursday. I the off chance he would call my mom would literally sit w her ear to the receiver w me. Writing everything down on a note pad. It made me incredibly mad and have bad feelings towards her. I know NOW why, but growing up when I didn't have the full story I held a lot of anger for being so on it w supervising conversations. So, make it like you aren't paying attention an make it seem casual. 

dashiellove

Karatechrissy- thanks for the tip about making it more casual when SD is on the phone with BM. Of coarse BMW told SD that she would call her at 3, its after 6 and she hasn't Auntie- your cupcake is in the oven right now. BMs rights were terminated. I have been thinkinh about adoption for a while now. If something were to happen to DH I wouldn't want to loose SD.

MuddyInsignia

When you talk to SD about her BM, I would also explain that she is sick and could not take care of her full time, however make sure SD knows that you really want to support any visits by BM. She should not see you as the only impediment to spending time with her mom. It hurts, but if she can see that her mom is not making the effort to coordinate any visits, then living with her is not the best answer either. 

AmberMH08

growing up I had a father very similar to BM. my mom finally cut out all contact with him no calls no nothing I hated her for it  expecially when he overdosed when I was 12 but Looking back now It was for the best for her to cut the drama the dreams he may have tried toplant into my head... He was a very nice sweet talker but the drugs made him into a crazy person.

I vote that if your DH has custody and BM only contacts 1-3 times a yr I would limit her contact to letters or emails no phone calls... that way you can read them 1st it takes more time to write a letter or email than it does to dial a phone so BM will have to have a somewhat clear head. If she ever goes to rehab and shows she loves her daughter maybe back to calls then work up to see her again.

Your SD will always have mommy issues but they will be worse the more she is in and out of her life you have to stop the contact till BM gets clean if that takes yrs SD may hate u now but trust me in the long run she will see you all were doing whats best for her.