Parenting

MIL as a grandmother

(I also posted this on "the nest" under "Family Matters", but thought it might be useful to also post on "the bump" under "Parenting".)

I have been with DH for eight years, married five, and I am 30 but DH and I are not in a huge hurry to start a family just yet.  It?s on the horizon, and a concern of mine is my MIL.  Right now my relationship with my MIL is somewhat respectful but borderline just tolerating each other, and that took many years and work to just get to that point.  She used to be more passive-aggressive and I used to be less assertive.

 

Things are somewhat calm now, though I feel like things will go off balance again when I have kids.  I have read that a relationship with a MIL can go south again once grandkids are in the picture.  I read that the paternal grandmother often is less-close to her grandkids than a maternal grandmother, often because of disagreements between the MIL and DIL.  Is there a preemptive conversation that can be held, possibly when I am pregnant, that can be had between my MIL, myself and DH, of what is expected of a grandmother? 

 

My MIL is very overbearing, mostly when it comes to her voicing her religious beliefs.  She knows my DH and I do not go to church, and has recently brought up that topic again.  I think she will make it her mission to impose her beliefs on my future kids, and my DH says this is a chance for us to teach our kids that many different people have different religious beliefs, even between grandparents and parents.  If this becomes a problem, can DH and I ask her to tone it down on her preaching?  I want my future kids to have a relationship with their grandma that is not 80% talking about her beliefs, and not always having to defend why my beliefs are different, and for different religious views to be a wedge.  Does anyone else have experience with this, and if yes how do you handle it?

 

Also, I have read that many grandparents don?t respect the general parenting rules established by the parents, and think they know what is best because they have raised kids before.  Has anyone had to directly tell their MIL that, ?You need to respect the fact that DH and I choose to raise our children in ways that you may not always agree with,? without starting WWIII?  My DH said awhile ago he would say this if its apparent she?s crossing the line, because he already knows he?ll want his kids raised differently than she might want.  I?m just curious what others might have experience with when a MIL belittles her son and DIL?s parenting style. 

 

And not just toward my MIL ? my own parents have an attitude of ?hey we survived being kids, you survived, so we must have done something right?.  My DH and I like to do research on things and appreciate that times have provided more informed decisions on how to raise kids, mostly in regards to science and studies in psychology.  I don?t want to imply that how DH and I were raised were wrong ?but more in that times have changed and will always change, and that each parents in each subsequent generation will try to raise kids the best way possible with the knowledge available.

 

Sorry this is all over the place.  I do eventually want to be a mom.  I just wish I could do or say something when I?m pregnant, to help set the stage for good boundaries with the MIL as she becomes the grandma to my future kids.  (And she is already a grandmother to now young adults.  I witnessed many visits between her and her grandkids at holidays, and it seemed like she cared more to convert them, than to get to know them as individuals, and that pushed them away.  Those grandkids don?t really want to talk to her, and my guess is because they don?t want to just be preached to.  I don?t want the same relationship to happen with my future kids.)

Re: MIL as a grandmother

  • No pre-emptive conversations. It's pointless.  Don't worry about "talking the talk". You need to "walk the walk".  Here's the thing about boundaries - it's really not so much about you saying "here are the boundaries".  It's about you SHOWING THEM where the boundaries are.

    When you have a child, as she starts to cross boundaries, it will then fall to you and DH to enforce those boundaries.  First time she talks religion?  Then is when you say "No".  She continues?  The no has to get firmer, and you all have to be prepared to get up and leave. 

    Same w/ your rules.  She /your parents won't follow them?  Then you know what?  They don't get to spend much time w/ your kids!  And certainly no time alone. 

    That might sound harsh, but that's going to have the most impact.  "You insist on talking religion to junior even though we don't want you to?  Then you won't get to spend time w/ junior.....".

    But.  All that being said, two things:

    1- you and your DH will have the biggest impact on your child. Your DH is right on that front.  You and DH will be able to use that as a spring board to talk about differences that people have.  I'm not saying she gets carte blanche to do her thing, but at the same time - you all have SO much more  power than you can realize in your kdis lives. 

    2- As far as following rules- while I do think grandparents need to respect the rules of the parents to a point, I do also feel grandparents should be allowed to "spoil" the grandkids too.  Figure out what is truly important to you and what you can be flexible on.

    Your childs entire life- they will always have other people in their lives who will impact them on some level.  You can't raise your child in a vacuum - so don't get TOO caught up in "OUR RULES!!!!!".   Everyone needs to find a balance. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • On the pre-emptive part, the reason I say "don't bother" is that the IDEA of a baby is very different than the REALITY of a baby.  Even for you and your DH - you can research the crap out of parenting methods, but YOUR BABY is going to be it's own unique being that may or may not respond well to all your well researched advice. 

    I'm not saying that to be snarky - I read books before having DS and still continue to read.  I want to find better methods for certain issues if I can.  But yet, some stuff works, some doesn't.

    Then, this also reminds me of the many friends I have whose parents have been "Oh- I can't wait!  I'm goign to want to babysit/ be daycare/ be uber involved!!!!!!!!!" and then once the baby comes, major back peddling follows.  Suddenly the grandparents are "busy" all the time and can't babysit. 

    Or in the case of my IL's - FIL for the longest time talked the talk of wanting to help us w;/ daycare.  And I know in his heart he meant every word he said - but DH finally had to kind of explain reality - MIL is very physically limited and she wouldn' tbe able to pick DS up.  FIL gets distracted easily and even in front of us, has totally lost focus on DS as DS is about to do something dangerous. 

    These are people that, while they mean well, just aren't in the position to take care of a young child. 

    You have to deal w/ the reality o fyour child once you HAVE that child.  Telling your MIL ahead of time "no religious talk" is truly going to go in one ear and out the other. 

     

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

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  • imageEastCoastBride:

    On the pre-emptive part, the reason I say "don't bother" is that the IDEA of a baby is very different than the REALITY of a baby.  Even for you and your DH - you can research the crap out of parenting methods, but YOUR BABY is going to be it's own unique being that may or may not respond well to all your well researched advice. 

    I'm not saying that to be snarky - I read books before having DS and still continue to read.  I want to find better methods for certain issues if I can.  But yet, some stuff works, some doesn't.

    Then, this also reminds me of the many friends I have whose parents have been "Oh- I can't wait!  I'm goign to want to babysit/ be daycare/ be uber involved!!!!!!!!!" and then once the baby comes, major back peddling follows.  Suddenly the grandparents are "busy" all the time and can't babysit. 

    Or in the case of my IL's - FIL for the longest time talked the talk of wanting to help us w;/ daycare.  And I know in his heart he meant every word he said - but DH finally had to kind of explain reality - MIL is very physically limited and she wouldn' tbe able to pick DS up.  FIL gets distracted easily and even in front of us, has totally lost focus on DS as DS is about to do something dangerous. 

    These are people that, while they mean well, just aren't in the position to take care of a young child. 

    You have to deal w/ the reality o fyour child once you HAVE that child.  Telling your MIL ahead of time "no religious talk" is truly going to go in one ear and out the other. 

     

     

    Thank you very much for your responses.  I realize it sounds crazy of me to think about what my MIL will be like as a grandma, when I don't have kids yet.  After seeing her last week (and she lives close), I was wondering why all of a sudden, after several years, she was bringing up the topic of religion again, and laying it on so thick.  I looked around and she has tons of books about being a grandma all over her house now.  It made me think about how she'll probably be over-the-top about religion as a grandma, too, and I let my imagination get carried away.

    I think my concerns popped up because mostly I remember how bad things used to be with my MIL when I was getting married, and the idea of having to set boundaries again in the future with kids sounds like torture.  I wonder if I want to go through with that again.  I feel like it's the calm before the storm, between getting married and not having kids yet.  In a way I feel like I'm trying to give myself a pep talk that I'm strong, and that I can't always avoid conflict. 

    And the plus side is that I have to be thankful at least that my DH and I already agreed a long time ago, due to her much older age (she's 10 years older than my own parents) and health issues, that she can't be the care-giver of our future children.  She used to hint at this all the time, and might still expect to be the care-giver, but DH will tell her that she won't be the caregiver once that time comes. 

  • imageLeigh2222:
    I looked around and she has tons of books about being a grandma all over her house now.  It made me think about how she'll probably be over-the-top about religion as a grandma, too, and I let my imagination get carried away.
    There is NOTHING wrong w/ you and DH talking about this and getting a game plan together! It sounds like DH is basically on the same page as you, which is really often 90% of the battle.  The two of you can have a "pre-emptive" talk from the stand point of "how are we doing to handle this?", but no need to talk to her until the reality is here.

    This may sound harsh, but to me, it might need to boil down to your DH telling her "Look -this is our baby.  I don't share the same religious views as you.  YOU need to respect that and you need to stop bringing this up around our child.  If you can't do that, then your time w/ our child will be limited if not cut off all together.".

    If it's that serious of an issue to you all, she needs to relaize that!

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • imageLeigh2222:
    imageEastCoastBride:

    On the pre-emptive part, the reason I say "don't bother" is that the IDEA of a baby is very different than the REALITY of a baby.  Even for you and your DH - you can research the crap out of parenting methods, but YOUR BABY is going to be it's own unique being that may or may not respond well to all your well researched advice. 

    I'm not saying that to be snarky - I read books before having DS and still continue to read.  I want to find better methods for certain issues if I can.  But yet, some stuff works, some doesn't.

    Then, this also reminds me of the many friends I have whose parents have been "Oh- I can't wait!  I'm goign to want to babysit/ be daycare/ be uber involved!!!!!!!!!" and then once the baby comes, major back peddling follows.  Suddenly the grandparents are "busy" all the time and can't babysit. 

    Or in the case of my IL's - FIL for the longest time talked the talk of wanting to help us w;/ daycare.  And I know in his heart he meant every word he said - but DH finally had to kind of explain reality - MIL is very physically limited and she wouldn' tbe able to pick DS up.  FIL gets distracted easily and even in front of us, has totally lost focus on DS as DS is about to do something dangerous. 

    These are people that, while they mean well, just aren't in the position to take care of a young child. 

    You have to deal w/ the reality o fyour child once you HAVE that child.  Telling your MIL ahead of time "no religious talk" is truly going to go in one ear and out the other. 

     

     

    Thank you very much for your responses.  I realize it sounds crazy of me to think about what my MIL will be like as a grandma, when I don't have kids yet.  After seeing her last week (and she lives close), I was wondering why all of a sudden, after several years, she was bringing up the topic of religion again, and laying it on so thick.  I looked around and she has tons of books about being a grandma all over her house now.  It made me think about how she'll probably be over-the-top about religion as a grandma, too, and I let my imagination get carried away.

    I think my concerns popped up because mostly I remember how bad things used to be with my MIL when I was getting married, and the idea of having to set boundaries again in the future with kids sounds like torture.  I wonder if I want to go through with that again.  I feel like it's the calm before the storm, between getting married and not having kids yet.  In a way I feel like I'm trying to give myself a pep talk that I'm strong, and that I can't always avoid conflict. 

    And the plus side is that I have to be thankful at least that my DH and I already agreed a long time ago, due to her much older age (she's 10 years older than my own parents) and health issues, that she can't be the care-giver of our future children.  She used to hint at this all the time, and might still expect to be the care-giver, but DH will tell her that she won't be the caregiver once that time comes. 

    I don't think that's crazy. I thought about it before I got pregnant, and I think about it now. My relationship with MIL sounds similar to yours. Things were very bad before the wedding and had calmed down, but now it's all starting again. H and I have learned that we have to discuss and then stand together on our opinions no matter what. It helps that H is aware of and understands the issues between MIL and I.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Thanks EastCoastBride and kaileyc !

    I thought I had "solved" all the problems with MIL, but it is becoming more apparent that she has just been trying to lay-low until I get pregnant.  Now that I've turned 30, I'm getting more and more comments about grandkids, where as the past five years while I was married they were few-and-far-between.

    Last time I saw my MIL last week, I joked with her "Hey you were 35 when you had DH, so I've got five more years right?" and she was not happy!  I understand pregnancy can have more risks waiting longer, but is it more a myth?  I'm 30 but I don't feel old...and am starting to wonder maybe I wouldn't care to wait another 2-3 years to TTC (or adopt).

  • Also, I think part of the problem is I don't think MIL is aware that DH and I in recent years have shifted our religious views greatly.  I think that's part of the reason why I was thinking we should discuss with her ahead of time, but can cross that bridge later.  From her past behaviors, I know she would have a cow if she found out we don't belief in the same core things as she does.  And that's party why, when she finds out, she might try to make it her mission to "save" our child.  But I understand DH and I can tell her not to talk about religion to our future kids - she just hasn't found out yet that we don't believe the same way as her so it will be a shock...
  • DH and my views aren't that different than MIL. For us it's about boundaries. She can't even remember my EDD (which is Thanksgiving, how hard is that?) but she's already asking if we will be baptizing LO. Honestly, I knew she would ask before she did and DH and I both agreed the response would be, "We are fully capable of making that decision ourselves." and we left it at that. The only reaction you can control is your own. Like others have said, if you don't like what she is doing and you have asked her to stop and she won't, that's when it's time to get up and leave. She will either figure it out or won't see much of you.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Sorry but stop reading.  At most, you can set some boundaries with the grandparents once you are pregnant  - more along the lines of you need to call before just coming over and stuff like that.  If any issues arise, have your DH address them with his parents and you with yours.  Yes, I have had the conversation with my FIL about respecting how DH and I parent but it was centered around 1 very specific situation and in the course of that conversation FIL mentioned that they don't agree with all of what DH and I do as parents but that they are working very hard to respect and follow our lead - he brought it up, not me.  My MIL has lot of issues that have nothing to do with being a grandma but just her issues so it makes things harder to deal with (she has had these issues in other parts of her life including work).  You need to relax and try to just enjoy rather than worrying about what might happen or how you will handle things - you will address them as they come up.  Bottom line, if you want your kids to have a great relationship with all of their grandparents - you need to let them be the grandparents with limits that are reasonable. 
    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
  • imageEastCoastBride:

    No pre-emptive conversations. It's pointless.  Don't worry about "talking the talk". You need to "walk the walk".  Here's the thing about boundaries - it's really not so much about you saying "here are the boundaries".  It's about you SHOWING THEM where the boundaries are.

    When you have a child, as she starts to cross boundaries, it will then fall to you and DH to enforce those boundaries.  First time she talks religion?  Then is when you say "No".  She continues?  The no has to get firmer, and you all have to be prepared to get up and leave. 

    Same w/ your rules.  She /your parents won't follow them?  Then you know what?  They don't get to spend much time w/ your kids!  And certainly no time alone. 

    That might sound harsh, but that's going to have the most impact.  "You insist on talking religion to junior even though we don't want you to?  Then you won't get to spend time w/ junior.....".

    But.  All that being said, two things:

    1- you and your DH will have the biggest impact on your child. Your DH is right on that front.  You and DH will be able to use that as a spring board to talk about differences that people have.  I'm not saying she gets carte blanche to do her thing, but at the same time - you all have SO much more  power than you can realize in your kdis lives. 

    2- As far as following rules- while I do think grandparents need to respect the rules of the parents to a point, I do also feel grandparents should be allowed to "spoil" the grandkids too.  Figure out what is truly important to you and what you can be flexible on.

    Your childs entire life- they will always have other people in their lives who will impact them on some level.  You can't raise your child in a vacuum - so don't get TOO caught up in "OUR RULES!!!!!".   Everyone needs to find a balance. 

    This is awesome.  

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • imageLeigh2222:
    Also, I think part of the problem is I don't think MIL is aware that DH and I in recent years have shifted our religious views greatly.  I think that's part of the reason why I was thinking we should discuss with her ahead of time, but can cross that bridge later.  From her past behaviors, I know she would have a cow if she found out we don't belief in the same core things as she does.  And that's party why, when she finds out, she might try to make it her mission to "save" our child.  But I understand DH and I can tell her not to talk about religion to our future kids - she just hasn't found out yet that we don't believe the same way as her so it will be a shock...
    Well, knowing this- on the religious front, if it's something your DH does feel that he needs to eventually tell his mom, then yes, I think he should do it now.  But make it about the change in his views. NOT about kids.

    You all are kind of tying these two issues together - kids and religion.  But they are 2 very different topics.  Keep them seperate.  He can tell his mom now and he can make it about "my views have changed and I wanted you to know so that you can better understand who *I* am today". 

    Don't mention kids, don't mention "but when  we have kids, you better respect this".  Again- this kind of pre-emptive talk isn't going to work.  If SHE mentions kids and says "how will you raise your kids?", all he should say is "We'll raise them in a way we see fit and that is in accordance w/ our views and I'll expect you to respect that.". 

    Don't go into "And if you don't, there will be ___ consequences" because you simply don't know what she'll do.  Yes, there may be a good chance she'll do exactly what you fear she's going to do, but there is always a chance that she won't! 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • imageEastCoastBride:

    imageLeigh2222:
    Also, I think part of the problem is I don't think MIL is aware that DH and I in recent years have shifted our religious views greatly.  I think that's part of the reason why I was thinking we should discuss with her ahead of time, but can cross that bridge later.  From her past behaviors, I know she would have a cow if she found out we don't belief in the same core things as she does.  And that's party why, when she finds out, she might try to make it her mission to "save" our child.  But I understand DH and I can tell her not to talk about religion to our future kids - she just hasn't found out yet that we don't believe the same way as her so it will be a shock...
    Well, knowing this- on the religious front, if it's something your DH does feel that he needs to eventually tell his mom, then yes, I think he should do it now.  But make it about the change in his views. NOT about kids.

    You all are kind of tying these two issues together - kids and religion.  But they are 2 very different topics.  Keep them seperate.  He can tell his mom now and he can make it about "my views have changed and I wanted you to know so that you can better understand who *I* am today". 

    Don't mention kids, don't mention "but when  we have kids, you better respect this".  Again- this kind of pre-emptive talk isn't going to work.  If SHE mentions kids and says "how will you raise your kids?", all he should say is "We'll raise them in a way we see fit and that is in accordance w/ our views and I'll expect you to respect that.". 

    Don't go into "And if you don't, there will be ___ consequences" because you simply don't know what she'll do.  Yes, there may be a good chance she'll do exactly what you fear she's going to do, but there is always a chance that she won't! 

     

    Thank you very much for pointing out that these are two separate issues - kids and religion.  Because I knew it'd be hard for my DH and I, when we have kids, for us to say to her, "Please don't talk about religion to our kids," if she was under the impression that we had the same beliefs.  Otherwise, this wouldn't be much of a big deal if we all had similar beliefs. 

    I will eventually have to let the ball drop and imply that my religious views are different than hers, and that my religion is personal/private.  I can't tell her too much, because she'd spread it to the rest of her side of the family who also live nearby, and I could easily be branded as the black sheep.  Not that I see her side of the family much anyway...   

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