I don't want to leave her

amberkayc

My name is Amber, I've never posted here before, but I feel like I'm not sure where else to turn, like no one else will understand. I'm 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It's a girl, and from every single ultrasound I've seen of her, she's absolutely beautiful, I just know she's sweet, I can tell. We went to an ultrasound 2 days ago, and they told us that her heart, lungs, stomach, liver, and intestines are all outside of her body, and that her body isn't large enough to hold all of them.  They also told us that her spine is at a 90 degree angle.  They said that all of these things combined, she has a 0% of survival. I met with 3 different doctors, all of whom said that the best thing would be to terminate the pregnancy, before she hits 20 weeks, because after that, it will be difficult on her and on myself. I don't want her to be in any more pain than she has to be, if she has a 0% survival.

I go on Monday to start the D&E, from what I know, they will dialate my cervix, send me home, and I'll go on Tuesday for the procedure.  I'm so scared for her. I don't want to leave her there all by herself. In MIchigan, they don't do D&E's at hospitals...so I have to go to a clinic, and they don't offer any options for us to bring her home, like cremation.  I know that it's just her body, that her soul will already be with Jesus, but she's my baby, and I don't want to leave her.  I also don't want to be in a room with women who are choosing to abort their babies. I don't mean to judge anyone, it's just going to be so hard to look at someone who has a healthy baby....

I know this is the right thing for her, I know that carrying her to term would be horrible, for the both of us.  But she's my baby. I don't want to be just Amber. I want to be Amber and Mackenzie.  I want to be pregnant for 9 months, I want to bring her home. I don't want it to happen like this. I hate all of it. I just want to keep my baby and never let her go, yet I'm going to be leaving her with someone that I don't know, in a place, that I don't know. 

 

If anybody has any words of advice, that has gone through something like this, I would appreciate it. I don't know what to say to her, I only have a day left with her. I don't know if she wants to hear me talk, or if she already knows. If she does want to hear from me, I don't know what to say anymore. All I can think to say is that I'm sorry and I love you, and that you are my baby and you are perfect to me. I don't want to be not pregnant, I don't want to say goodbye to my baby.

BootsOrHearts

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are no words that can make you feel better right now, I'm sure you are still in shock and processing what is happening. Know that you did NOTHING wrong and it's NOT your fault!

I hope you find some comfort and kind words from the ladies on this board. We have all been there and although you feel like your heart is breaking and will never get better, know that in time you will cherish the memory of your daughter but be able to move forward.

I had a loss at 18 weeks also (the heartbeat was just gone one day, although my son was perfect in every way) and I was admitted to the hospital and induced so I could delivery naturally. Is that an option for you that you could ask about? I am glad I got to see my son, hold him, have his footprints taken to remember him by, give him a name, etc. We could have taken him home to be buried or cremated, but we chose to have an autopsy done and so we didn't have any remains after that (and sadly, they found nothing wrong, but we didn't know at the time that's what the outcome would be). It's worth asking your doctor if this is an option for you instead of a D&E. I will warn you that I did have to have a D&E after delivery because the placenta didn't detach. That is common I guess. 

I can totally relate to wanting to have your child with you to cremate or bury. I hope you can figure something out. 

VeilSdeGTO

Hi,

I hope you don't mind if I answer. The same thing happened to my DD and I was 17 weeks. We were told that she would not make it and I would have to actually deliver her if I chose to carry her longer.

My hospital also doesn't do D&E's, so I had the procedure done at a clinic. I struggled very much with it because I know her heart was still beating and I had just started to feel her move. I got three other opinions and they all confirmed the original diagnosis.

It was a 2-day procedure as day 1 was to insert the seaweed sticks to dilate my cervix and day 2 would be the extraction. Well, my water broke the morning of day 2 and an u/s did confirm that she had passed.

Our procedure was a little while after our initial diagnosis so I did have some time to say goodbye, but it was still very hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. Just know you are making the best decision for yourself and for her. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

tubbsy32

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Enjoy this time with your baby girl, and she knows how much you love her. I know this prob doesn't help much, but all she will ever know is love. When people first said that to me about Jacob, I used to think "yeah,yeah, yeah." But now I realize...lucky boy all he ever knew was love. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

eroplane

tubbsy32:

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Enjoy this time with your baby girl, and she knows how much you love her. I know this prob doesn't help much, but all she will ever know is love. When people first said that to me about Jacob, I used to think "yeah,yeah, yeah." But now I realize...lucky boy all he ever knew was love. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

This. I am so sorry. As soon as we find out we are pregnant we do everything possible to care for our children. One of the most selfless and loving things a parent can do is let their child go. Part of taking care of them is not letting them suffer. I am so so sorry you are going through this. Spend time with your sweet baby and know that all she knows is your unending love. Big hugs.  

doodlescaboodles

I am truly sorry for this proccess you are having to go through. I know how it is to have this whirlwind emotions. One minute you are trying to be strong and the next you are on your knees begging for this to be a bad dream. Mackenzie is a beautiful name...it is one of the names of the twins we lost  about 2 months ago.

Just know that Mackenzie will always be with you. She will give you strength you never knew you had.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

LuckEinLuv

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also had a d&e, but it was at a hospital so a little bit different. I had 2 days of laminaria (seaweed sticks), but I was also 6  further along than you so maybe I needed more dilation. I got very crampy after they put in the sticks. Maybe ask if the clinic has a separate room that you can wait in?  A couple women I know who also had to do the clinic route said te the same thing as you. They didn't want to be with the women who were choosing to abort an unwanted pregnancy when their pregnancy was soooo wanted. You are welcome to PM me and I will try to answer any questions that you may have. My thoughts are with you. {{HUGS}}

johnnys june

I have no word of wisdom or advice.  I'm sorry that you even have to make this decision.  Sending T & P your way.  

whiteroses05

Amber,

I am so sorry you have to go through this!! I went through something very similar to what you are going through. I also had to go through a D&E at an out paticent clinic bc the hospital weren't able to preform it there. I had two days of dilation with the use of the seaweek sticks. They look like small dale rods with strings. Then procedure on the third day. I do say ask someone if there is a seperate room you can sit in. My H and I would put in a seperate room each time bc I was such a reck. If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Once again I am sorry you have to join this group, but you can find the support here. These ladies have been the best support system for me through this beside my H. T&P with you!!

jbranden12

I am so sorry you are going through this with your precious Mackenzie. I would talk to her as much as you can and want. When our daughter was born sleeping, we told her how much we loved and wanted her and told her about her family. She will always be your baby.

sandykins

I am so sorry. Yes her soul will be in heaven. Just remember that. Ask if you could sit somewhere else or be taken in rt away so you don't have to sit in the waiting room. Use your dh/significant other as your "person" let him deal with all the staff and admin stuff. I'm so so sorry. 

. I had a d&e so if you have any questions page me. I'm not here very often bc I have a hard time "going there" these days but I will chck back to see if you paged or pm'ed me.

amberkayc

Thank you everyone. Your support and kind words have meant more to me than I could ever hope for. I'm very surprised at how many people act like this is not the same as losing a child, at how many people just dismiss this tragedy as something that "just happens".  I've spent 5 months with my wonderful precious girl, and this is no small "situation that just happens", to me.  My child is going to die, that is no small thing to me.  I know you all understand that, and I thank you. Your words have touched my heart, and made me stronger. I'm ready to do the right thing for her tomorrow, for her to not be in pain. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad, I wish I didn't miss her already. I'm sorry for all of your losses, and if I can be of any support to any of you, feel free to contact me.

Carolee

I'm so sorry that you're facing the loss of your precious girl.  I don't really have any advice to offer - just know that we're here for you if you need us. 

MrsRiceARoni

I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing a child is already such a difficult thing to go through, adding a decision like the one you have been forced to make sounds unbearable. I have no advice for you, and can only offer you prayers at this time.

BronwynJaede

Amber, I am so very sorry.  I hope you know that you are and always will my Mackenzie's mother, and that Mackenzie's mommy loves her so much that she was able to make a heartbreaking decision in the interest of sparing her pain.

Come back to us anytime you need to.  I hope you find comfort and support on this board.  I'll be thinking of you and your daughter tomorrow.

StephK86

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I say talk to her tell her everything you want her to hear. My heart is very sad for you Amber. I will pray for your strength and send you all the love I can. I am sorry again hunny it isn't fair. All of us are here if you ever need to talk or vent.

ally2011

I am so sorry.  Our local hospital will do inductions for cases like this and you can deliver.  Depending on when you are reading this, you could ask if that were an option.  You would go through L&D, but that can be comforting in some weird way as it brings normalcy...does that even make sense?

I am so sorry for your loss.  We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Jenn