How to get Husband interested in my pregnancy?
So my husband and I had been trying for a baby for about 7 months before we finally conceived. Im 18 weeks pregnant now and since the beginning, my husband has been very not into details in terms of baby stuff. I`ve been having a really hard time to get him to even listen to me talk about baby stuff. His reaction is usually "I dont want to talk about it" or he tells me to "Shhh".
Im trying to keep optimistic and not show him that its really bothering me, but today was kinda the final straw when he made a big stink about coming with me to my prenatal appointment, saying he didnt need to be there. He also refuses to touch my stomach because he says he`s afraid to hurt the baby.
He ended up agreeing to come to the appointment today after seeing me get upset and I explained to him that I feel very alone and unsupported in this pregnancy. Almost as if Im a single mom and had to do everything by myself.
I pretend to all my friends that my husband is excited and is just a little quiet because he`s nervous. And that may be true, but I really have no idea whats going on in his head because he wont open up to me and when I ask him why he`s acting this way, he just tells me to relax and stop worrying. He also says that he doesnt want to talk about baby stuff because it will lead to him worrying about if the baby is healthy.
Im wondering if there are other first time pregnant moms out there who are going or went through similar situations with their husbands, and if it gets any better as the pregnancy goes on, or what advice you may have that worked for you.
Thanks!
ps- i almost forgot to mention that we heard the heart beat for the first time today at the prenatal appointment. My husband sat in the chair listening and it was hard to read his reaction as his face didnt change. Im hoping that with this little special moment will open him up to the reality of this baby and he`ll start getting excited.
Re: How to get Husband interested in my pregnancy?
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I would definitely be pissed and upset if DH acted this way. By now, i would've gone apeshit on his ass and told him everything you just wrote. It's not fair to you to keep this bottled up and pretend to others that things are fine.
I think part of what your husband is feeling is normal for a guy--and I do think there's a chance things will drastically chance when the baby arrives and it's finally very real to him. BUT the way he's behaving in some of the things you said seems callous and rude and in my opinion that's crossing the line. He needs to man up and be there for you whether he feels like it or not. the only way to get to the bottom of this is to address it and tell him everything you're feeling. HTH.
My DH was like that when I was pregnant with DS1. You wouldn't believe the fights we got into over having to go to Childbirth Classes. I kept hearing the same argument that there was no point to going to them, that we don't need a class to do what women have always done... He acted the same way with Pre-Cana, Baby Registry, Baby Furniture and gear.
When DS1 was born however, DH was bawling so hard he couldn't cut the umbilical cord and is an amazing father. He is totally different with this pregnancy and has apologized many times for his behavior previous and is rightfully ashamed of how he acted.
His pregnancy behavior was completely uncharacteristic of him. Had I mentioned it to others at the time, they probably wouldn't have believed me. DH is a very sensitive, emotion and nurturing man.
I hope your husband comes around like mine did.
It is hard for guys to connect. They aren't as emotional as us women are and they are most of the time more logical or fact based. Try sending him a weekly email about the baby development. Babycenter.com has a good one that I have sent to my DH with each pregnancies and he can read them at his own time and not feel like you are just talking about it all the time.
Once he sees the amazing changes yu body is going through and can see the development of his baby it might help him come around and get more excited and feel more real to him.
'Til He returns, or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I stand.
I'm having this problem with my SO too. He says he already went through it all (he has a daughter with his ex) so it's not exciting to him anymore. He hasn't gone to a single appointment with me and when I've told him to feel my belly when baby is moving, he ignores me.
So far, it hasn't gotten better here. I'm hoping he will get more excited once baby gets here but right now it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I feel like I'm missing out on something because he won't get into it like me. I see my friends partners that are excited and want to be involved. It makes me sad that mine doesn't.
I hope things get better for you! Let me know if you figure out a way to get him interested
DH really got excited after the first ultrasound. He went and bought some little girls clothes and has been chomping at the bit to work on the nursery. Before that.... Not so much. Also when he felt the baby kick at 22w he got more excited.
I'm sorry for your situation because I talk about the baby so much, and if I hit a brick wall every time it would make me sad and angry. Maybe after a few more weeks he will become more involved. You might consider asking him what's wrong. Also, someone asked how far along I was early on and I said 3.5 months. That's when it hit him for the first time that this is real, and we were already 1/3 of the way done. Maybe talk in months? Sounds dumb, but hey...
My H wasn't into it either but I didn't take it personally. I also didn't ask him to come to anything but the ultrasound (which he loved) and one class at our hospital. As much as I hated to hear this with my first, most guys just aren't connected during the pregnancy phase. They don't feel the baby, they don't analyze everything that they eat, etc... It isn't as real for them. This was true with H, until DD1 was born. Like the second she was born. I literally saw the shift happen and he has been a wonderful dad ever since.
As for the "Shhhh"ing - I wouldn't put up with that regardless of the subject. And you shouldn't tiptoe around what you are feeling. It will just build and you will become resentful and have a blow out about it. Talk about it. And hopefully he will talk to you back about what is bothering him. But try to relax a bit and hold off on the single mother comments until after the baby is born and you see what that means to him.
I wouldn't overthink his actions.. or lack there of! Men show their feelings and emotions very different than we do! You guys were trying so this is something he wants. He's probably very excited but also scared. He's about to become a first time dad!
Maybe it's just not real to him yet? Especially since you were trying.. he may have gotten a little discouraged! Like some others have said.. we actually experience the whole pregnancy. They don't get to! Even before we actually feel baby move, we feel our body changing! It's probably very hard for men to get attached to baby before he/she is born. I don't know but you're probably not showing too much yet either and even with hearing the heartbeat it's not really REAL if you can't see/feel something! You know? As for him not wanting to touch your belly because he's afraid to hurt baby.. Mine does that too. Take it as a good sign. He's already worried about LO's safety! Better that than him being completely unaware!
He might be avoiding talking about these things simply because he knows if he worries, he'll worry you! (My DH is bad for worrying! He worries all the time and tends to not talk about it lately. Worrying is contagious and we pregnant ladies don't need any added stress right now!) He's probably way more interested than you think. Just keep involving him.. even when he's resistant. He'll come around..
BTW.. DH was the same way when he heard the heartbeat. I couldn't see a change at all in his face but afterwards while driving home think it hit him. We were talking about it (when he gets quiet.. I make him talk!! lol) and he started to tear up! Most men don't want to react to their emotions in front of other people (like dr's). They're "strong"!!
I've heard that while women become mothers when the baby is in the womb, men become fathers when the baby is born. My husband didn't want to go to appointments with me at first but when I got upset and told him that if I go to an appointment and find out the baby has lost its heartbeat I wouldn't be able to handle it alone. After that he was very supportive and loves going to the visits with me.
From what you write it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it because he is scared of what might happen. Knowledge is power, and the more he educates himself on how everything is going to work the less anxiety he is going to have. And going to the visits with you gives him a perfect opportunity for him to ask any questions to the doctor as well.
My DH watched his mother go through many miscarriages when he was younger and that left an impression on him. Because of that he is a little anxious and won't let me do things I know is alright, but I humor him because I understand where he's coming from and I know it makes him feel better.
I hope your situation gets better. Best of luck!
I have found tht men are typically about 6 months behind in th process. It doesn't seem to hit them until you become very noticeably pregnant.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first and asked his opinions on things he would says "I don't care, whatever you want" and then like a week before my baby shower all of a sudden he would be telling me which car seats and strollers and what not he thought I should register for. There is just a lag time with them because they are not experiencing it like we are. Don't be surprised if he even seems "behind" when the baby comes because while most women have this innate instantaneous bond with their babies, many men do not feel that bond until the baby can "interact"" with him. And I don't mean talking to him, but once the baby is able to react to his voice and silly faces and what not......that's when the real bond/connection seems to form for a Lot of men.
I've tried to choose my wording consciously when talking about the baby. For example I always say "our due date" or "our next midwife appointment" and even "your baby is moving a lot in there" just to gently remind him that he is just as much a part of this process as I am. I am grateful that my husband doesn't necessarily need these prompts but I believe them and I find them helpful.
also, I want to say that while it's true, in general, that men process these things differently than women it does not mean we need to coddle them and enable that behavior. communication is key to helping emotional evolution along.
(stepping off of soapbox now)