November 2012 Moms

Can't talk about being pregnant...

So last week was a HORRIBLE and uncomfortable week at work. Here's the situation... There's a girl in my office I consider myself close too(as in I talk to her more than anyone else in the office) She was pregnant and lost her baby at 5 or 6 weeks. She was on leave after that for a few weeks. In that time, I found out I was pregnant. I told only my boss and told her I wanted to wait to tell anyone especially after seeing her have to come back to work and tell people there was no baby anymore.

I waited until I was about 9 weeks and took her aside and told her I wanted her to hear it from me and not through the gossip mill. She hugged me and was great!

Well, last week I had my second ultrasound. It was obviously the first "real" pic of baby since our 6 weeks ultrasound. One of the girls from work gave me a frame for my first ultrasound. I put the pic in there and put it on my desk. By no means was I going to parade around with this pic bc of her feelings. She came up to my desk and asked to see it. I showed her and she broke down in tears, which made me start crying. She then called out the next 2 days. I feel awful but I really feel like I can't be happy about it at work. Ugh...

Sorry just needed to get this out. Anyone been in a similar situation?

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Re: Can't talk about being pregnant...

  • aw, that's a tough situation.  I feel for your friend and for you but I don't think this means you can't be happy at work.. it's only going to get more glaringly obvious and it's something you can help so (and I do NOT mean this to sound as harsh as it will) she's going to have to try to move on and get a hold of herself.  Again, I know that sounds terrible? Hopefully in the next few months she will conceive and it will stick and all will be well.  But in the meantime, try to focus on you and while I wouldn't flaunt (not that you are) I wouldn't feel too bad about being happy. 

    good luck!!! 

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  • I have a friend who lost her baby at 19 weeks..We were due only a few weeks apart from each other.I'm approaching 17 weeks and I definitely feel very uncomfortable when the pregnancy topic comes up between us because she is still mourning..Even I still cry at the loss of her baby, so I can't imagine how she is dealing with this.

    I try to be sensitive of her feelings, just like you're doing for your co-worker, I try not to bring it up or talk about it while she is present. I've even gone as far as blocking her from my facebook status's that happen to be about pregnancy!

    I think that's all we can do..is be sensitive of their feelings and offer our support (a shoulder to cry on)..

  • image Nicki Boston:

    aw, that's a tough situation.  I feel for your friend and for you but I don't think this means you can't be happy at work.. it's only going to get more glaringly obvious and it's something you can help so (and I do NOT mean this to sound as harsh as it will) she's going to have to try to move on and get a hold of herself.  Again, I know that sounds terrible? Hopefully in the next few months she will conceive and it will stick and all will be well.  But in the meantime, try to focus on you and while I wouldn't flaunt (not that you are) I wouldn't feel too bad about being happy. 

    good luck!!! 

    well said

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  • image Nicki Boston:

    aw, that's a tough situation.  I feel for your friend and for you but I don't think this means you can't be happy at work.. it's only going to get more glaringly obvious and it's something you can help so (and I do NOT mean this to sound as harsh as it will) she's going to have to try to move on and get a hold of herself.  Again, I know that sounds terrible? Hopefully in the next few months she will conceive and it will stick and all will be well.  But in the meantime, try to focus on you and while I wouldn't flaunt (not that you are) I wouldn't feel too bad about being happy. 

    good luck!!! 

    this. 

    also, you didn't do anything TO her. she asked to see the picture. she's obviously not ready to deal with the reality that other people's lives are moving on. i do believe that she really is happy for you, but there are issues within her own life that she became overwhelmed with. 

    the best thing you can do for her as both a friend and coworker is to keep her busy. go out to lunch and talk about ANYTHING other than babies or maternal anything. if you have a little spare change (not to insinuate anything, i promise) maybe give her a little inspirational coping with grief type book? something to let her know that you care about her and her feelings while not "apologizing" for being happy about your own pregnancy. 

    you've done nothing wrong. i understand that you feel for her, but don't make her problems yours. 

    good luck <3

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  • GHBEAGHBEA member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its

    As some one who has had a M/C and my SIL who was due 11 days before I was, so it is a hard situation to deal with some one who still pregnant and you no longer are.

    How ever you have every right to be happy about your pregnancy and as you said you are not flaunting it in her face.  She came to you to see the picture.

    She does need to accept that she lost her baby, yes it is very emotional to lose a baby/pregnancy.  But she can not make you feel guilty about being pregnant.

    My SIL was respectful and after I moved forward I talked to her about her pregnancy and told her how I can not wait to get pregnant again.

    Just try to avoid talking pregnancy topics with her unless she ask.  But don't let her feelings make you feel guilty. 

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  • I definitely don't talk about anything pregnancy related unless she asks. Which she sometimes will ask how I'm feeling etc. but I was so suprised when she asked to see that pic. She stated at it for a few seconds and then lost it. Which made me cry and she was off for a few days after. I guess I was suprised she asked to see it. And then yesterday she told me she showed her bf and he cried. I don't know why she told me but I asked her why he showed it to him and she said bc she wanted to see his reaction. It's just a different way of dealing with it than I would I think. But then again I've never been there and I truly can't imagine her grief. It's been uncomfortable also bc I'll overhear her talking to other girls in the office about how hard it is and it makes me feel even worse like they'll think I'm being insensitive when I have pics or something. I know it's silly but I feel bad. But I also want to celebrate and he happy all the time at work. It's just one of those positions you don't really know how to handle. I appreciate the feedback. I hope no one feels that my post is insensitive in any way as that is not how I intend it at all. Quite the opposite actually. 
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  • image BabyMakes 3:
    I definitely don't talk about anything pregnancy related unless she asks. Which she sometimes will ask how I'm feeling etc. but I was so suprised when she asked to see that pic. She stated at it for a few seconds and then lost it. Which made me cry and she was off for a few days after. I guess I was suprised she asked to see it. And then yesterday she told me she showed her bf and he cried. I don't know why she told me but I asked her why he showed it to him and she said bc she wanted to see his reaction. It's just a different way of dealing with it than I would I think. But then again I've never been there and I truly can't imagine her grief. It's been uncomfortable also bc I'll overhear her talking to other girls in the office about how hard it is and it makes me feel even worse like they'll think I'm being insensitive when I have pics or something. I know it's silly but I feel bad. But I also want to celebrate and he happy all the time at work. It's just one of those positions you don't really know how to handle. I appreciate the feedback. I hope no one feels that my post is insensitive in any way as that is not how I intend it at all. Quite the opposite actually. 

    i don't think you're being insensitive at all. you posting this shows the opposite. you want to be there for her but be able to be happy about your own pregnancy. that's totally understandable.

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  • milescmilesc member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its

    I know how you feel...

    I'm not in the exact same position, but my boss is having fertility issues, and has recently had 2 failed IUI attempts... And I'm on my second baby, second year in a row. She is very understanding, but I feel like I'm a slap to her face each time I see her... It breaks my heart

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  • This happened to me and one of my close friends, but visa versa. We both found out that we were pregnant the same day and we called to tell eachother. She now has a 1.5 year old and mind ended in a loss. I had a hard time being around her and I actually only met the baby when she was 3 months old. We remained very close, but I couldn't deal with her pregnancy or her baby. I apologized for being selfish, but she understood and she said that I could take as much time as I needed to heal.  She now comes over all the time with little Sofia and I adore that baby girl... but it took a while. I don't think that it means that you can't be happy at work, but you do need to be sensitive by maybe not putting a pic on your desk... keep a picture as the screensaver on your cell phone so you can look at it and totally show people; just not her.

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  • That's a tough situation.  I don't think you've been insensitive at all and you have every right to be happy about your pregnancy.  However, as someone who has had a loss, I completely understand your co-worker's feelings. Her emotional reactions to your pregnancy are completely normal and she is going through a grieving process.  It does not mean that she isn't genuinely happy for you, it just means that she is sad for her own loss.  I wouldn't take her crying at the site of your US photo personally at all.  Have you tried talking to her about her loss?  Acknowledging her feelings and her loss with something as simple as a hug may be appropriate when she breaks down.  Just know that obviously, you can't help being pregnant and her feelings are really probably more separate from your pregnancy than you realize.  I say you should act normal, of course, don't flaunt your pregnancy (which it doesn't sound like you're doing anyway), but know that she has a process to go through and some days may be better for her than others.  Her sadness is about her and her families loss, not you.  A miscarriage is a very real loss and it can also be very isolating because no one wants to talk about it.  With time, she'll be doing better and I'm sure she really is happy for you.
  • To me it sounds like she's still in the early stages of grief.  She's seeking you out to talk about your pregnancy in asking to see the picture, maybe because it does give her a sense of hope for the future.  At the same time, it reminds her of what she doesn't have.

    Have you tried asking her how she's doing?  Maybe go out for coffee after work and have a heart to heart.  I have a coworker who I am close to who experienced an older child loss right before we were placed with our adopted kids, and I invited her to be a part of their lives, because she had so much to offer the world as a mother.  Granted, this is someone I had known since college, but I know people can be very close to their coworkers.  Obviously, don't push, but she may just be looking for someone to understand the love for a child who she lost so early, even in some small way.

    I'll admit, and I'm embarrassed to do so, I never understood the "big deal" over such an early loss... until I became a mom.

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