3rd Trimester
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How are you letting family know your limiting visitors?

Last weekend DH and I went to his cousins wedding. As we were leaving one of his other cousins (who DH is not close to at all, and actually doesn't really get along with) stopped us and was asking about the baby. DH told her that she would have to come visit us in the hospital after LO gets here.

I know DH is just excited, and of couse wants his family to come see LO when she is born, but I really just want to limit hospital time to our parents, and siblings. DH's parents are divorced and both are remarried, and we have five siblings between us. DH also wants his grandparents to come, so with just those people that is already 15 visitors!

I am a FTM and really want that time to bond with LO and figure out breastfeeding, and of course, catch up on my sleep while I have help around! DH and I hadn't really discussed visitors prior to this comment, but after he said that I really started thinking that maybe we should set some ground rules.

He thinks I'm being a little too controlling, but I just want my own time in the hospital without all of our huge extended families there, so my question is, how should we go about letting family know this?

The simple thing would be to not tell extended family that LO is here untill after we get home, but I know that once MIL finds out, she will be telling everyone and that option would not work.

I was thinking of sending out an email to family members saying how excited we are for LO to get here, and how we can't wait for everyone to meet her, but we are limiting hospital visitors to our parents and siblings and everyone else is welcome to come after we get home.

WDYT? Is that tacky? What is everyone else doing?

 


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Re: How are you letting family know your limiting visitors?

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    I think it would probably come off as presumptuous and rude to send out an email barring people from visiting, honestly. Just don't tell anyone until you are home and tell your MIL to either not announce it to everyone or to tell people that the baby has arrived but that you aren't taking visitors yet. If she wants to tell everyone, she can explain the whole situation.
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    Sorry I know I?m not in the third trimester but just a suggestion: The hospital that my sister had my nephew at had a very strict visitor policy about it being all about what the new mom and dad want and only those that had been put on the birth plan on the immediate family list were allowed in. While being slightly devious you could write on your birth plan you only want immediate family and then tell everyone that its hospital policy to only allow immediate family?..
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    Oh no, don't email...that could come across wrong, even if you have good intentions.  Leave a list with the nurse at your visitor check in of who you would like to visit.  If someone calls/texts you or your husband while you're at the hosptial and asks about coming, then certainly reply that you are so excited for them to meet baby but you'd prefer for it to be in your home.
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    wbraunswbrauns member

    imageKayaXavier:
    I think it would probably come off as presumptuous and rude to send out an email barring people from visiting, honestly. Just don't tell anyone until you are home and tell your MIL to either not announce it to everyone or to tell people that the baby has arrived but that you aren't taking visitors yet. If she wants to tell everyone, she can explain the whole situation.

     This wouldn't work with MIL. We have asked her to do stuff before in the past, (I wont get into it because it is a huge backstory) but she blatantly does the opposite of what we have asked and has caused huge problems. I would not trust her to tell her own family to wait untill we got home until they come visit. In fact, she would probably encourage them to visit in the hospital simply because that's the kind of person she is, siiiigh...I guess I will just see what happens.


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    My family knows about the pregnancy, but thankfully they are all old fashioned and really don't feel the need to be right there the whole time. Our hospital also has an optional time called "the golden hour" which means for the first hour it is just you, SO, and baby to bond and breastfeed. Nurses will extend that if we chose. This all being said, we had an individual conversation with each family member to find out what they wanted and make sure they understand what we wanted. The general rule was to wait 24 hours before seeing people and no one is really feels left out because we talked to them. An email seems a bit impersonal, At least call if they are out of town and plan on coming in town.
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    wbraunswbrauns member

    imagecwm11985:
    Oh no, don't email...that could come across wrong, even if you have good intentions.  Leave a list with the nurse at your visitor check in of who you would like to visit.  If someone calls/texts you or your husband while you're at the hosptial and asks about coming, then certainly reply that you are so excited for them to meet baby but you'd prefer for it to be in your home.

     Well this was one thing I was thinking, but DH and I moved recently and now we live 40 minutes or longer from most of his extended family- and no- the distance will not stop them from coming to the hospital. So I would just feel really guilty if they drove all the way down there and then were told that they couldn't see LO. I know they would pull the "Why didnt you guys tell us this ahead of time!?!" card.

    Ugh..his mother's family is REALLY hard to be around, he has five aunts that are all very immature, petty, and downright mean. I know if they drove down and then weren't allowed to see LO they would be pissed, and I know that they would blame it on me.

    I might just have to suck it up and allow everyone in...I haven't decided yet.

     


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    We didn't call anyone until DD was born.  Also, our hospital had very strict visitor rules. 

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    wbraunswbrauns member

    imagephq2011:
    My family knows about the pregnancy, but thankfully they are all old fashioned and really don't feel the need to be right there the whole time. Our hospital also has an optional time called "the golden hour" which means for the first hour it is just you, SO, and baby to bond and breastfeed. Nurses will extend that if we chose. This all being said, we had an individual conversation with each family member to find out what they wanted and make sure they understand what we wanted. The general rule was to wait 24 hours before seeing people and no one is really feels left out because we talked to them. An email seems a bit impersonal, At least call if they are out of town and plan on coming in town.

    DH has a really big extended family, I just feel weird calling them and asking if they are planning on coming into town, and if they say yes, then telling them that they are not allowed to come to hospital, I also feel weird calling them simply to tell them they cannot come..the whole situation is a little sticky!


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    wbraunswbrauns member
    imagelaurakaz13:

    We didn't call anyone until DD was born.  Also, our hospital had very strict visitor rules. 

    We are not calling MIL untill after DD is born, but then I know she will be on the phone calling her sisters and family and letting them know..and I don't trust her to also tell them that we are not having visitors untill we leave the hospital..


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    I can see why you'd consider sending an email seeing as you don't want them to all drive there to be turned away by hospital staff, because that might seem/feel a bit rude too. I can also see why you wouldn't want to call everyone directly and tell them before hand what you would like, becuase that might be uncomfortable as well.

    I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. I see where you're coming from though, and just wanted to sympathize.

    Whatever you chose to do, don't let extended family ruin that precious bonding time!

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    If you really don't want them there then just don't say anything until you get home. It sounds like you are stuck and as much as I understand that they are family and it is rude, it sounds like them being there is going to be more stress than it is worth.
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    i am already getting anxiety about the whole visitor issue.  and part of that annoys me because i shouldn't be stressing about it.  its our baby and I'M the one who will have just spent god knows how long in labor and pushing the baby out! so my needs should come first.  but i think people feel a sense of entitlement like "well its MY granddaughter i should be able to see her" and they don't really respect the rights of the parents.  what id really like it is to not tell anyone until after she's born but there's NO way hubby would go for that.  especially bc i plan on my mom being in the delivery room so then he'd think i was favoring my fam. bc obviously if my mom is there then my dad would know as well.  

    then of course there's his 6 siblings (their 5 kids), and his parents are divorced so there's 2 parents and 2 step parents as well as his grandparents.  whereas for me its just my parents and sister, grandma and aunt.  but he doesn't seems to get that. its very frustrating and i don't think he's going to budge on it.

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    FemShepFemShep member

    Have you checked on what your hospital's visiting rules are?  Ours is very strict, only allows non-siblings and non-spouse/partners from 12-8, and only allows 6 visitors per patient to even go up on the floor at a time.  In some wards, they only allow 4 people.

     Why not see if you can find a link to your hospital's visitor policy page, and send that in an email, suggesting people call ahead before making the drive because you'd hate for them to come all that way and not be able to visit?  That way either tthey'll call (and you can say its not a good time) or you can tell the nurse you're not up for visitors and make the hospital the bad guy.   (Or, worst case, the hospital won't allow people to visit you, which you warned them about ahead of time.) 

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    I would send an email that was very light and chatty- Hey everyone!  So excited about (baby) coming!  I am feeling (great, tired, excited, nervous) about labor!  I know everyone is excited too, and I can't wait for you all to meet (baby)!  Just a quick heads up about hospital policy- unfortunately our hospital only allows (siblings, grandparents) to visit, and we didn't want anyone to make the trip for nothing!  We'd love to see you guys after we are settled at home- (DH) will let you know when that is and will keep you all posted about events!  Can't wait to see you all!

    Love, 

    This would work.  Then tell your MIL about this policy even if it isn't a policy so that she can back up your story.  Also, tell your nurses in writing what your preferences are in terms of guests. 

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    Maybe I'm the only crazy one, but I know when DS was born, I much preferred having the visitors in the hospital rather than at home --- especially extended family/people we aren't close to.  I didn't mind my close family & friends visiting the house in those first few weeks when I was sleep deprived, the house was a mess, and we were really struggling to get BFing established... but I did NOT want anyone else coming over.  I would have felt obligated to clean & entertain those types of visitors.  In the hospital, they were limited to short visits (the nurses helped us kick them out if necessary) and no one expected me to entertain or have a spotless house.
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    If you tell the nurses how you want visitation to go, they'll help. At my hospital, they don't allow visitors the first hour, but I'm not allowing visitors for the first 2 or 3. Which I am hoping that once those hours have passed, there won't be many 'visiting hours' left. Hehehe :)

    I'd let people know, especially if they're the type to be waiting while you're in labor. If they don't like having to wait, or waiting a couple days or whatever - tough. They're not the one having a child. 

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    I've heard a lot of people talking about having a "Sip and See" lately.  Basically once you get home you just have everyone over all at once to see/meet the LO.  To me, sounds a bit overwhelming, and I would NOT want to have to worry about cleaning up beforehand/entertaining/ cleaning afterward.  But it might be an easier way to tell them to stay away from the hospital, if they know they'll be invited to the S&S. 

     Maybe someone who lives close by could even throw it for you at their house, and when an hour or two is up, and you want to leave - you can!  IDK... just an idea...

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    Maybe you could like make a list of people that you are gonna allow at the hospital and give it to the nurse or something. They could always make something up like they're not taking any more visitors for the day.
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    imageMichelleL1118:
    Maybe I'm the only crazy one, but I know when DS was born, I much preferred having the visitors in the hospital rather than at home --- especially extended family/people we aren't close to.  I didn't mind my close family & friends visiting the house in those first few weeks when I was sleep deprived, the house was a mess, and we were really struggling to get BFing established... but I did NOT want anyone else coming over.  I would have felt obligated to clean & entertain those types of visitors.  In the hospital, they were limited to short visits (the nurses helped us kick them out if necessary) and no one expected me to entertain or have a spotless house.

     

    I feel the same way. I'd rather not have people coming to the house. Especially since I have 2 other kids at home who will be trying to adjust and who I have to clean up after.

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    Hi-

    At my L & D class at my hospital, the instructor flat-out told us that the nurses and security staff would be happy to play the bad guy when it comes to family visitors. They have their own rules regarding numbers of visitors but are happy to enforce any rules that are important to you and your husband.

    My parents live four hours away and my husband's parents live nine hours away. We'll be calling them when I'm admitted, but I sent out an email (just last night, actually) explaining to all the parents our wishes (just my hubby in the delivery room, we want some quiet time during the first 2-3 hours to bond with the baby and try breast feeding, I'm high risk for a c-section and may require additional private time at the hospital as I cope with the first day or two of healing, please keep our siblings in the loop, no FB announcements, etc.). Mind you, my family is pretty sane and respectful and I have a long history of being a straight shooter, so the email route was a reasonable one for my situation.

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    I had never considered any of this before I had DS but after I gave birth I was starving and exhausted, and I didn't really feel like having any guests other than my mom and sisters.  My best friend came up for a short time and I had no problem telling her to make phone calls to anyone who was planning on coming up that day to wait until we got home and settled bc I was so tired after labor.  People completely understood.  Alot of people (women who have been through it especially) might be more understanding than you would think.
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    How do you plan on telling everyone when the baby arrives, phone calls, facebook, word of mouth?  I would just work it into the announcement that the baby was born by saying something like, "LO was born today at 9am, mom and baby are fine and using the rest of the hospital stay to rest up.  We will let everyone know when we get home for anyone that wants to come by and meet LO."
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    I wouldn't just leave a list with the nurse. I wouldn't want to get all the way to the hospital to visit to find out i'm not allowed. I'd leave a list only if you've also spread the word to family.

    Personally though, I think it might be nice to get those extended family visits out of the way at the hospital where they may only last like 20min and you aren't expected to do anything. At home visits tend to last longer and you may feel like you need to entertain. Just a thought.

    I like the text/message above about baby birth announcement also mentioning hospital visits really aren't wanted but in a totally polite manner. 

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    imageRhenna:
    How do you plan on telling everyone when the baby arrives, phone calls, facebook, word of mouth?  I would just work it into the announcement that the baby was born by saying something like, "LO was born today at 9am, mom and baby are fine and using the rest of the hospital stay to rest up.  We will let everyone know when we get home for anyone that wants to come by and meet LO."

    This.  And if your mom or MIL are in charge of letting family know (my mom loves doing this), let them know that the message should include something like "they can't wait for everyone to meet LO once they get home".   

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    We will count on the amazing nurses to limit our visitors and to prevent toddlers from coming in. They can visit the baby later.

    We are not telling anyone that we are going to the hospital to make it easier too...

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    If people call or text about coming up just tell them the truth.  if you must be more gentle, say, "would you mind waiting until we are discharged to go home?"  if they don't get the hint have a note on your hospital door or at the nurses desk that says "no visitors at this time."  The one thing i have learned w/ my first is that the more excuses you make to people b/c you don't want to hurt their feelings, the bigger the hole you end up digging and it's more stressfull in the longrun.  Be honest with people about you and your new family.  They will be more likely to respect your boundries going forward if you are honest.

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    If you do send an email, instead of telling them not to visit - just tell them that the baby has arrived and you are getting some much needed rest before heading home.  Tell them you will send out an update when you get home with pics of the baby.

    Most people aren't going to come visit you without getting permission and they'll understand that your visit in the hospital is short and you are supposed to use that time to rest and bond with your baby.

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    imageMichelleL1118:
    Maybe I'm the only crazy one, but I know when DS was born, I much preferred having the visitors in the hospital rather than at home --- especially extended family/people we aren't close to.  I didn't mind my close family & friends visiting the house in those first few weeks when I was sleep deprived, the house was a mess, and we were really struggling to get BFing established... but I did NOT want anyone else coming over.  I would have felt obligated to clean & entertain those types of visitors.  In the hospital, they were limited to short visits (the nurses helped us kick them out if necessary) and no one expected me to entertain or have a spotless house.

     I think I have to agree with this one... I think a visit at the hospital might be the best way to get the visits over with. 

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    Honestly, most people who aren't you best friend or immediate family won't even think about coming tithe hospital. Also, I don't know of anyone (who isn't one of those two things) who would just show up at a hospital to visit someone without calling first. I'd take that call or text as your opportunity to tell them you'd rather visitors come once you're home. I have a similar situation, with even more siblings involved and the only people that where challenging were the in laws. Which is just life really...

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