November 2012 Moms

MIL doesn't want to know the gender - (rant/opinions needed)

Hi ladies,

Ok - here's my first rant on this board (I'm sure there will be more to come!)

As I mentioned a few weeks ago in my intro post, my DH and I are expecting our first in November. We are pretty sure we would like to find out the gender at our ultrasound in a few weeks, but my MIL is being a real thorn in my side about the whole thing.

She LOUDLY protests to the idea of finding out the gender, by saying (insert exhasperated tone here>) "You can't find out! It's life's BEST surprise!!"

Now, typically I take pride in rebelling against the MILs wishes, but this is really getting to me. The issue is that she's not only my MIL, she's also my NEIGHBOUR. Which means, if we chose to find out, and she doesn't want to know then she won't even be able to come into our house, see the nursery, etc. She wouldn't be able to come to a shower either if other people know. I feel like she would be completely removed from the whole process.

I completely understand that this is our decision, but I really wish she had kept her damn mouth shut in the first place. GRRR

Re: MIL doesn't want to know the gender - (rant/opinions needed)

  • To be honest, then I'd tell her that.

    I know it's frustrating, and if she doesn't want to know then fine, so be it.  But make sure you get the point across "It's our decision.  If we find out you won't see the nursery or come to the shower if you are adamant about not finding out.  I don't want to leave you out, but that's just how it will be."

    Good luck! 

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  • Ditto PP.  And with all your other friends and family knowing, I would imagine that SOMEONE is going to slip-up in the next few months!
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  • This was my original argument for not finding out sex, too, but then I got pregnant and everything changed! In my opinion, seeing that little + on a stick was life's biggest shocker!! Finding out the sex now or in November will still be a huge surprise, and then actually meeting your child on his birthday will be another big surprise (maybe you could try explaining that to her? Not sure if it would work). I have now decided that I want to spread out all of these moments. I totally get where she is coming from, but it's not her baby... it's yours.

    Tell her that while you totally appreciate where she is coming from, you are finding out the sex and that you would love for her to be in the know :o) Sorry I don't have better advice, GL

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  • Ugh, MILs.  Here's my take on it:  finding out the gender is a surprise no matter WHEN you find out because you don't get to choose it.  Whether you find out in a couple weeks or in November, it'll be a surprise.  Tell your MIL that. 

    Ditto what PP's said.  She can either find out from you and your H or through the grapevine if you're sharing the news. 

    Married since 7/25/2009
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    BFP #2 3/13/2012 | EDD 11/23/2012
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    First u/s 4/13 showed a beating heart! Second u/s 5/2 showed a HB of 163! Let's GROW, baby!
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  • How annoying!  I would tell her that it is not her decision and she will find out because there is no doubt someone will slip and tell her.  It is a surprise whether you find out now or when the baby is born! 
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  • I thought life's best surprise was finding $20 in your pocket when you put your winter coat on for the first time that year.  **shrug**

    Honestly, my mother wanted to be surprised, but when I explained that there would be a lot she would miss out on that way (my SIL is in charge of my shower, and she will make it explode pink or blue, I know!) she relented.  Besides, when we were adopting JR and H, she knew it was a boy and a girl on the way and that didn't make it any less awesome when they got here. 

    What we are doing is a mini reveal just for my moms.  That way, they still get the surprise without having to wait until the delivery room.  Where they are NOT invited anyway!

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  • GHBEAGHBEA member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its

    Tell her it is your choice to find out and if she really doesn't want to know tell her not to come over because she might see something she doesn't want too.

    Also tell her if you find out in a few weeks it's still a surprise to hear the announcement. 

                                                 Mom to 4 wonderful daughters
                                 Breanna, Ellie and 
                                 our 2 rainbow babies.

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  • It is your baby and therefore your choice. Tell her you are finding out and if she wants to not know then you won't tell her, but there is no guarantee that someone else won't slip.

    I have always wanted to know what I was having. DH and everyone else didn't want us to find out. DH said he would do what I want so we would have found out. It's our choice, and not anyone elses. We could have kept it a secret till birth.

    However, since finding out it's twins, no EVERYONE wants to know. Can't win lol.

                              

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  • Agree with  PP that the best surprise was seeing the + sign. And also, your baby, your body, your decision to find out. If she doesn't want to know then she gets to miss out on a whole lot. Tell her that gently.
  • image pbandkelly:

    I thought life's best surprise was finding $20 in your pocket when you put your winter coat on for the first time that year.  **shrug**

    Haha, that made me laugh.  It is a great surprise!

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  • lavet22lavet22 member
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    image RobynStacey:

    Hi ladies,

     

    Now, typically I take pride in rebelling against the MILs wishes, but this is really getting to me. The issue is that she's not only my MIL, she's also my NEIGHBOUR. Which means, if we chose to find out, and she doesn't want to know then she won't even be able to come into our house, see the nursery, etc. She wouldn't be able to come to a shower either if other people know. I feel like she would be completely removed from the whole process.

    This would be her choice.  If you want to know the gender of your baby, then find out.  If she doesn't want to know and, therefore, choses to abstain from all the planning and shower activity, that is her choice.  There is nothing you should feel bad about.  Make your decisions based on what you and DH want to do and let her make hers, but don't think you need to sacrifice something you want when it comes to your family planning just to appease her.

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  • I think you're right on about the whole situation.

    I agree with everyone else, that it is you and your DH's decision to find out. If y'all do decide to find out, she most likely will find out, but no, you don't have to go seek her out and tell her if she doesn't want y'all to.

    And I don't think that "It's life's BEST surprise!!" necessarily. The BFP was an awesome surprise, finding out the sex (if it's chosen to do so) is a surprise, but the day your baby is born, the "surprise" won't be ruined just because you already know the sex. You and your DH will still get to see all of Baby's very UNIQUE features that y'all have been guessing and dreaming about up until that point. Length, weight, full head of hair/not, etc. ----- Tell her that.

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  • milescmilesc member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its

    Hey, I say if you take pride in rebelling, shout it to her face! What is she going to say after that?! Smile

    DH & I are finding out this round, but we will keep it between us. My mom says she doesn't want to know, but I know she will be nosy and keep picking at me to see if I slip up- hey, if you dont wanna know, DONT BUG ME ABOUT IT. 

    Those who don't believe in love at first sight, have never given birth
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  • I agree that your MIL should have kept her mouth shut.  She really has no say.  Here is my opinion...you/we are all in for LOTS of surprises.  When my SIL had her baby girl (10yrs ago) I was new to the situation I had just started dating my hubby.  at the time her father did not want to know the gender of the baby and everyone around him knew...they just refered to baby girl as the baby.  I think someone slipped one day toward the end but if they did he had the tact not to be upset which it doesn't sound like your MIL has...
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  • While I agree it is life's biggest surprise (we were team green with DD) It is YOUR choice.  I would stress the points that many of the PP's have already said? she will unfortunately be completely removed from the entire situation.  My mom didn't want to know the gender of my brothers baby but too bad.. her need to be a part of the wonderful experience outweighed her desires.  

    put your foot down now ;)

    FWIW we are finding out with this baby. New baby, new experience! 

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  • That sucks!! 

    Back in her day you could get gender neutral and it was fun to find out the day of delivery.

    Today we get that exciting news at 18-20 weeks instead of 40 weeks...just as fun just a lot sooner.

    Also today gender neutral is hard to find (at least where I am). Yeah there is some stuff but a lot of yellow sleepers either have pink flowers or blue trucks on them.

    Like a pp said, I'd tell her all of that (no nursery peeking or attending showers etc.). Maybe you could make a to-do about the reveal. She may feel like you are going to miss out on something really exciting if you just come back and are like "yeah it's a boy/girl" and just move on like it was nothing. Maybe she just doesn't realize how excited you are to find out now.

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  • image RobynStacey:

    Hi ladies,

    Ok - here's my first rant on this board (I'm sure there will be more to come!)

    As I mentioned a few weeks ago in my intro post, my DH and I are expecting our first in November. We are pretty sure we would like to find out the gender at our ultrasound in a few weeks, but my MIL is being a real thorn in my side about the whole thing.

    She LOUDLY protests to the idea of finding out the gender, by saying (insert exhasperated tone here>) "You can't find out! It's life's BEST surprise!!"

    Now, typically I take pride in rebelling against the MILs wishes, but this is really getting to me. The issue is that she's not only my MIL, she's also my NEIGHBOUR. Which means, if we chose to find out, and she doesn't want to know then she won't even be able to come into our house, see the nursery, etc. She wouldn't be able to come to a shower either if other people know. I feel like she would be completely removed from the whole process.

    I completely understand that this is our decision, but I really wish she had kept her damn mouth shut in the first place. GRRR

    Wow she sounds awesome! Tell her to grow the hell up! it's not her decision to make. Dont let her ruin this for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. 

  • Just tell her it was really obvious on the ultrasound and you could see for yourself!  Then it is less of a choice you made and more of a happy surprise!  Hey, sometimes the sneaky solution works!

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  • It's still a surprise... you're just finding out 20 weeks (or so) earlier than she was probably able to (my mom didn't have any ultrasounds, it wasn't standard then). 
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