DH just doesn't get it — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

DH just doesn't get it

It's been a month since I m/c but I just found out my bf is pregnant and I'm a mess. It's not that I'm not happy for her but this girl has forcibly made herself m/c in college, she did drugs, smokes and drinks daily and hid it from her family so she didn't go to doctors and didn't take prenatals. Nothing! Then there is me who eats extrememly healthy, took prenatals, never smokes, and drinks pretty lightly on special occassions and I m/c. She is having a healthy baby and I get nothing.

I came home upset after hearing this and my husband got mad at me saying that I needed to get over it and move on. That I shoudl go talk to someone so I can move on. The pregnancy was a surprise but I've wanted to be a mother since I was little. It is all I've ever wanted. To finally have it and then lose it is devastating to me. I don't understand how he can't see that? It wasn't planned but I've been planning on haveing a kid before I was planning to have a husband (my barbies always got knocked up).

I do have support from some family but I really wish I had the support of my husband to know that this is still devestating and scary for me. AND he wants to wait a while (5 months) before we try this time. All that time I'm going to be wondering if I will ever be able to get pregant again and it just worries me all the time.

Re: DH just doesn't get it

  • fabkfabk
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    member

    I am sorry you are going through this. Husbands can be difficult. Their experience just isn't the same as ours is, I think.

    I have a good for nothing cousin that is due any week now, and it is driving me nuts, so I can only imagine how you feel about your bf.

    I don't know what else to say, other than sorry.

  • I'm sorry. Life really just isn't fair sometimes, and it makes it even harder if your DH isn't being sympathetic. You can't help it that you're having these feelings, and you need someone to vent to. Maybe his suggestion that you go for counseling isn't a bad one. You shouldn't have to bottle up your hurt, and if your DH isn't willing to listen, then it would probably be a good idea to find someone who will.

    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

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  • Just because your husband doesn't get it doesn't mean that he has the right to tell you to move on. You are fully allowed to grieve how you are comfortable. Of course I know you're happy for your friend but the timing couldn't be much worse.

    I hope you're able to explain to your husband how you're feeling without getting cut off like that again. 

    Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss...

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    BFP 1 - March 26, 2012, MMC discovered May 21, 2012
    BFP 2 - October 30, 2012, Rainbow Baby Boy born July 14, 2013
    TTC no sooner than November 2014
  • kd&cdkd&cd
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Photogenic
    member

    Im sorry for your loss.

    My DH is the same as yours...he has completly moved on from it and gets upset at me when I get sad when hearing about friends having their babies. We have two friends who are due a week before us - both of which we found out about after we lost ours.

    My opinion is that they get over it quicker because they didnt have that bond, although short, it was still a bond. He doesnt understand how I could have felt a connection to our baby after just 7 weeks. They just cant understand.

    I have been using this community of ladies as my support. We are all here for you good & bad {hugs} :)

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers 

     Oct 16/13. BFP @ 11 dpo

    Oct 21/13. Beta 360 @ 16 dpo

    Oct 23/13. Beta 749 @ 18 dpo

    Nov 24/13. Saw HB (141bpm) & baby wiggle around via ultrasound @ 9w5d due date changed to June 23!!

    Dec 6/13. Heard HB (122bpm) via Doppler at OB @ 11w3d

    Jan 9/14. Heard HB (124bpm) via Doppler at OB @ 16w3d irregular beat

    Jan 29/14. DH felt kicks for first time @ 19w3d

    Feb 2/14. Saw baby via ultrasound (quick scan in ER) @ 19w6d

    Feb 6/14. Heard HB (126-134bpm) via Doppler @ 20w3d normal beat

    Feb 15/14. AS - baby looked great (measured 1w small) and would NOT let us see sex! @ 21w5d 

    Feb 20/14  3D US - its a GIRL!!!!! @ 22w3d

    Feb 27/14. Repeat AS for more pics, HB 124bpm  @ 23w3d

    Mar 6/14. Heard HB (130bpm) via Doppler @ 24w3d

     

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  • image fabk:

    I am sorry you are going through this. Husbands can be difficult. Their experience just isn't the same as ours is, I think.

    I have a good for nothing cousin that is due any week now, and it is driving me nuts, so I can only imagine how you feel about your bf.

    I don't know what else to say, other than sorry.

    Are we related lol? I also have a crazy cousin due next week. So not fair.

    OP: Sorry you're going through this. My husband and I had a big fight when I thought he wasn't being sensitive enough to how I was coping with our loss. We ended up having a big talk about it the other day and he's just under alot of pressure at work and was just having a hard time coping with my emotions and his work stress at the same time. It was good to get everything out on the table and we also decided that I would go see a councellor that will hopefully give me some coping techniques to help deal with our loss.

    Good luck, feel free to pm me if you have any questions about my councelling experience. I am seeing one after work today.

    image

    BFP#1 D&C May 18th 2012 at 9 wks. EDD Dec 17 2012
    BFP#2 CP Sept 17th 2012 at 4.5 wks. EDD May 23 2013
    BFP#3 EDD June 24th 2013 IT'S A GIRL!
    BFP#4 EDD March 2 2015
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  • I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, and I absolutely agree that you should be able to have the time to grieve and mourn whichever way you see fit. Men will *never* understand the maternal connection we have with our babies...regardless of if it was for 7 weeks or 9 months OR 18 yrs. Our minds, bodies, and souls are meant to have that connection and it's not something you can just "get over". I was "only" 5w5d when the bleeding began, and I (like all of us) was/am completely devastated. It is incredibly heartbreaking and quite honestly I would think it would be abnormal for you NOT to feel such a deep sense of loss. I think it would be a really good idea for you and the hubs to sit down and have a chat so you can explain your feelings to him. Pour your heart out to him. If he doesn't get it then at least you know you tried. Men's brains just don't function like ours. Also, I don't think it is a bad idea at all to get some help from someone who understands your pain. Maybe a pastor at your church or a grief counselor of some sort? As for your friend, I completely understand how you feel. I can't tell you how many times I sobbed on DH's shoulder complaining about the girls on Teen Mom. It just seems sooooo unfair!!! I believe you are justified in your feelings 100%. Just make sure that your husband's comments don't start hitting you too deeply though. If you start to feel resentment towards him then something needs to be reworked ASAP. Resentment can fester super quickly and can easily turn to pure loathing. The last thing you want is to do is let anger get in between your relationship at one of the most difficult times of your life. We are here for you!!! ((((HUGS))))

    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

    BFP #1: Mother's Day 5/13/12...m/c Memorial Day Weekend 5/26/12 

    BFP #2: 2/16/13...Owen Ray born 6 weeks early 9/9/13

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  • I just wrote something very similar to this. People say it is because men just don't have that physical attachment that women do. Men don't become fathers until they hold that baby in their arms, women become mothers when we pee on a stick. 
    Mom of a 3 year old girl, two stars in the sky and one growing peanut due April 2013.
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