3rd Trimester
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Is it fair for me to be annoyed at DH?

A little background on DH: he isn't the type to get overly excited about things, least of all family functions or babies. We always knew we would have kids (DH always said that he didn't really like other people's children, but he still wanted his own someday). Right now we're about 9.5 weeks away from our due date, and while DH has never exactly jumped up and down over this (totally agreed-upon and planned) pregnancy, he's gotten more and more into it, and has been completely supportive.

 A few days ago, some friends of ours had their first baby. The guy is very good friends with DH (they grew up together and DH was the best man at the guy's wedding). I was very excited for this couple, but I was especially thrilled to hear that they had a son--they live only five minutes away, so their son will make a great playmate for OUr upcoming little boy!

Anyway, when this couple first went to the hospital, the guy texted DH and told him the baby was on the way. He later texted to say that the baby was here. A few hours later, he texted to tell us when the baby's bris was. Over the course of the last few days, he also sent over a bunch of pictures. Finally, he texted to tell DH that we could stop by the hospital for a visit if we like before the family goes home on Saturday. 

I welcomed all the updates and can't wait to see the baby, but DH doesn't feel the same. He basically expressed annoyance that the his friend keeps sending him things, (he even said something like "I don't know what their deal is...they keep sending updates"). Also, he doesn't want to take time from an already busy week to visit the hospital--clearly, he's in no hurry to meet the new LO. 

His dismissive attitude has me frustrated. How can he really not get that these people would be super excited about their first baby...of course they want to share the news with their closest friends. And really, he doesn't want to see the baby in the hospital? Even if he has no interest in meeting the newborn son of one of his closest friends, you'd think he could muster up a little more excitement, given how close we are to going through the exact same thing ourselves.

Although DH has continued to express annoyance, he has agreed to go to the hospital..I think he knows that I'm technically right about this one, although he hasn't actually said so and stil doesn't like the whole thing. Still, I'm frustrated. I know what DH is like so I guess I can't expect him to be any other way...but can't he act just a little more excited?

Re: Is it fair for me to be annoyed at DH?

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    You are 'technically right' about this one what?

    He's not excited about a baby.  Stop the presses!

    You are being unfair.

    promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am
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    FemShepFemShep member
    Why are you frustrated with DH?  He's acting in a way completely consistent with what he's always felt and consistently communicated.  Other peoples' babies just aren't his thing, and there's really nothing wrong with that.  Some people love babies and kids, others don't, and it often doesn't have anything to do with how they feel about their own kids.
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    I am sure he will be more excited for his own...

    my DH wasn't even very excited for the new babies in the family, and until we got pregnant didn't understand why I always stressed the 'can we help you' and 'do you need anyone to run to the store' calls and the visits with the lasagnas or casseroles...I mean, he is always happy for his friends, but never over the top about seeing the babies.  

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    I don't get excited over other people's babies being born.  I'm happy for them but I'm not thrilled about going to the hospital.  Some people are just more private about these things.  Or maybe private isn't the right word, just more introverted?  I don't actually want anyone at the hospital, I didn't make a big announcement, I'm not big on talking to people about my pregnancy and it goes in reverse for how I feel about other people's pregnancies.  I think it is just YH's personality and isn't something that reflects negatively on him.

    But this is also why I try to treat other people how they want to be treated, not how I want to be treated.  Not everyone wants the same kind of treatment.  I think it's good that he is sucking it up, going and putting on a smile but I also think you should try to keep in mind how he is and not get so frustrated by him.  It doesn't sound like he is a mean person or anything.

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    I think this is pretty normal.

    My husband has been wonderful and really supportive, but he never seems to be "excited" about the baby.  When I've asked him to come to ultrasounds and prenatal classes, he wasn't excited about them and found them hard to work into his schedule.  But he went because it was important to me, and he did really enjoy the ultrasounds and he's finding the prenatal classes to be helpful and interesting too.

    All these appointments and to-do lists do start to feel like chores for some dads (and moms too).  It's hard to adjust to the life changes and sometime it's hard to feel excited when the baby is still something that he can't see.  It's pretty common for men not to feel very involved in parenthood during the pregnancy and even in the first couple years of the baby's life.

    Keep making efforts to get him involved and tell him how important it is to you.  I'm sure he'll show more enthusiasm about the baby soon enough.

     

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    imageridesbuttons:

    You are 'technically right' about this one what?

    He's not excited about a baby.  Stop the presses!

    You are being unfair.

    I'm technically right that we should at least make a short visit to the hospital and support our friends, even if DH doesn't particularly want to. 

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    imageRhenna:

    But this is also why I try to treat other people how they want to be treated, not how I want to be treated.  Not everyone wants the same kind of treatment.  I think it's good that he is sucking it up, going and putting on a smile but I also think you should try to keep in mind how he is and not get so frustrated by him.  It doesn't sound like he is a mean person or anything.

    Yeah, I think you've pretty much nailed it. He should go and put on a smile, and I shouldn't be so hard on him. 

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    imagehijoi:
    imageGreco1014:
    imageridesbuttons:

    You are 'technically right' about this one what?

    He's not excited about a baby.  Stop the presses!

    You are being unfair.

    I'm technically right that we should at least make a short visit to the hospital and support our friends, even if DH doesn't particularly want to. 

    Why did you ask for opinions when you've already decided that no matter what, you are "right" and he is not?  He doesn't want to go.  He should NOT have to.  If you want to go support your friends, then go by yourself.

    I believe that I'm right that he should go to the hospital. No, he doesn't HAVE to, but it would be a nice thing to do for his friend (these are his friends first; I only met them through him). I don't think that's too much to ask, and DH has already agreed.

    However, I'm NOT right to be so annoyed at his lack of enthusiasm, and I do need to be more understanding.  I felt one way a little while ago, but after reading all these responses, I've already started to adjust my attitude.

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    imageGreco1014:
    imageridesbuttons:

    You are 'technically right' about this one what?

    He's not excited about a baby.  Stop the presses!

    You are being unfair.

    I'm technically right that we should at least make a short visit to the hospital and support our friends, even if DH doesn't particularly want to. 

    No, you're not "right."  It isn't up to you if he goes. You can go visit if you want. He doesn't have to. I think you're completely overreacting and being really pushy about the whole thing.

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    imageGreco1014:
    imageridesbuttons:

    You are 'technically right' about this one what?

    He's not excited about a baby.  Stop the presses!

    You are being unfair.

    I'm technically right that we should at least make a short visit to the hospital and support our friends, even if DH doesn't particularly want to. 

    i agree with you here.

    it's fine that he's not interested in other people's kids, but it's not okay to be a crummy friend.

    if this is his closest friend, your husband should make an effort to see them at the hospital (since that is what this friend clearly wants).  it sounds like to me that it's the part about being a disinterested friend that you are exasperated with.  i agree with you.

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    Yeah, I think your annoyance is a little uncalled for. It's not like his stance on the matter has changed; he's never been interested in other peoples kids. I'm sure, as this guy is a close friend, that's DH is very happy for them, but that doesn't mean he wants to rush out to the hospital asap and meet the baby. My DH is kinda similar, and we already have 2 LOs. He is a lot more excited about and interested in other peoples kids now that we have our own, but that doesnt mean he gets as excited or eager to meet/hold new babies as I do. In fact, getting text updates like that might annoy both me and DH.

    Don't worry, it's really not uncommon for men to not have a ton of interest in newborns, especially before they've gone through it themselves. And it will have NO bearing on how he'll be with his OWN newborn. :) 

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    jlh2716jlh2716 member

    So he doesn't want to go to the hospital to see the new baby. Big deal; I don't go to the hospital to meet new babies, either. I'd rather wait for an invitation to come meet the baby at the couple's home. I don't like being in hospitals, it's not a comfortable setting.

    Though I would be irritated at him for being annoyed by the updates; I'd at least call or send a text congratulating the couple on their LO.

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    I think you need to go easy on your DH.  Just because his friend is excited about THEIR baby, doesn't mean everyone else is just as excited.

     

    Renee- 37 DH - Chad - 39
    2/06 - surprise pregnancy - twins
    3/06 - m/c 1st baby at 6 weeks 
    5/06 -2nd baby had no heartbeat at 14 wks.
    D&E - Bled out. Blood transfusions. Week in ICU - Cheated Death!
    Diagnosis: Blood clotting and bleeding disorder, immune issues, & cervical stenosis
    5/10 - 1st IVF cycle - BFN
    FET - 10/12/10 - BFN
    1/11 - IVF with PGD - BFN
    IVF - May - BFN
    6/11 New RE - fingers crossed!
    9/11 - IVF - 4 transferred
    10/13 - BFP!!
    It's a boy! Clint Michael, Due in June!!!

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    imageRhenna:

    I don't get excited.  I'm happy for them but I'm not thrilled about going to the hospital.  Some people are just more private about these things.  Or maybe private isn't the right word, just more introverted?  I don't actually want anyone at the hospital

    This!  
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    I think things will be different when your baby comes.
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    You can be annoyed, but remember that every man comes into fatherhood in their own way.  My DH was very similar to how you've described your DH.  And I have to say that the transition he has made over the last 11 months of my DD's life is amazing.  Prior to her arrival, he wouldn't touch my belly, didn't act excited, nothing. 

    When she arrived he was beaming, but didn't help as much because I don't think he knew what to do with her.   She is now 11 months old and whenever we are around others he can't stop bragging about her.  He takes tons of pics and as soon as he gets out of his car from work he is looking for her at the door.  He kisses, tickles and has her giggling before he even makes it to me to get a kiss.  I have seen my DH grow as an incredible husband and father over the last 11 months and part of it is because I think it takes a man interacting with their child to really feel that father connection.  Just try to be patient with him and help show him how to interact with the baby.  Show him to how his excitement creates such a beautiful reaction in your child and you'll see that side of him more often.

    Married 8/23/09 Dx: Endometriosis mc 2003, mc 2005, mc Oct. 2009 and ectopic pg Feb. 2010 Baby Girl Gracie Mae born 5 weeks early on 7/6/11. Baby boy JT born full term on 7/5/12. We are blessed!
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