3rd Trimester
Options

Ugh. "Mom issues" and I'm not sure what to do

I'll try to keep this short but it might not be possible so you've been warned. 

 

My mom and I have had a difficult relationship at times. It's been better in since I moved to TX (she is in OH) but there are still issues. My biggest problem with her is her sense of "entitlement" to things, including a/our relationship. (Very complicated back story). When DD was born I stood up when she pushed about visiting. I absolutely did not want her here for the birth. She tried to get me to agree to it and even though she said she would find things to do I knew she would try to be at the hospital if she knew I was in labor. I was able to avoid that and when she pushed for a 3 week visit I was able to limit her to 2. Anyways last month we were talking about when she would visit after this one and she went on about how I had just said earlier this year that I wanted her here for this one's birth. There is absolutely NO way I ever said that and told her that but she insisted I said it. DH knows those words never came out of my mouth. LO is due July 2. She just texted me because she wants to come for 4 days between the 14-23 (we pick exact dates) to get DD's room ready (she is moving into a different room). First, DD's room is something DH and I have been doing with her (we picked out paint last night) and I feel like she is trying to push into "our" things. My mom is making wall letters for DD and that is fine but setting up her room is not part if the letters.  Second, my birthday is the 14 and to be honest I don't want her here for that. I could push the visit a few days but then I'm nervous that LO will show up a little early. I feel like she is trying to manipulate things to be here for the birth. 

 

II don't have much of a problem telling her that the room is not her's to do but I'm not sure how to say that I really don't want a visit at all at that time.  

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Re: Ugh. "Mom issues" and I'm not sure what to do

  • Options
    Obviously I failed at keeping it short. Sorry. Also ignore typos as I'm on my phone. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Options
    I'd try "thanks so much for offering to come then but we would prefer if you come 2 weeks after baby arrives and stay for a week-ten days."  Then repeat and repeat. 
    image
    Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
  • Loading the player...
  • Options
    Could you explain to your Mom that setting up the room is something you and the hubby want to do together? You can thank her again for helping out with the paint color and the letters, but that you and hubby have decided to do the rest on your own for "bonding" or alone time before things get crazy. It sounds like you're able to be firm with her, so I'd firmly say something like that. As for your birthday, are you planning on doing something big? Or will it be low-key? If it's not a big celebration could you say you'd rather her be there after the birth and not have to come too early because there won't be anything going on or that you'd like to have a low-key birthday with just you three.
  • Options

    imagepugznploons:
    I'd try "thanks so much for offering to come then but we would prefer if you come 2 weeks after baby arrives and stay for a week-ten days."  Then repeat and repeat. 

    This ... and when you tell her that you don't want her to set-up the room, maybe suggest something else that she can help with.

    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  
  • Options

    I can very much relate to your story. These things sound irritating, but can certainly be addressed through healthy, polite, firm boundaries.  I have been working on my relationship with my mom in terms of setting healthy boundaries for a few years now, and it still is tiring, but less emotional/battle of the wills now.

    Last month we were talking about when she would visit after this one and she went on about how I had just said earlier this year that I wanted her here for this one's birth. There is absolutely NO way I ever said that and told her that but she insisted I said it. DH knows those words never came out of my mouth. LO is due July 2.


    It doesn?t matter who said what previously. Arguing over what wasn?t or was said is something that neither of you can prove and doesn?t solve anything anyway. All you can say now is what you want now. ?I?m sorry that there was a misunderstanding. I would love for you to visit _____.? Do not engage anymore about who said what. All that matters is what is happening now.


    She just texted me because she wants to come for 4 days between the 14-23 (we pick exact dates) to get DD's room ready (she is moving into a different room). First, DD's room is something DH and I have been doing with her (we picked out paint last night) and I feel like she is trying to push into "our" things. My mom is making wall letters for DD and that is fine but setting up her room is not part if the letters.  Second, my birthday is the 14 and to be honest I don't want her here for that. I could push the visit a few days but then I'm nervous that LO will show up a little early. I feel like she is trying to manipulate things to be here for the birth.

    ?I would love for you to visit <dates>.?
    ?The time that works for you to visit is ______?
    ?Thank you so much for making the letters. DH and I look forward to putting them up in the room. You can see them when you visit."

    You do not owe her your reasons. Simple ways to respond without engaging in a debate.
    -I'm sorry you feel that way.
    -Thanks for letting me know.
    -I don't have anything else to say on that subject.
    -Let me know if the dates I mentioned work for your schedule
    -<silence> then bring up a new topic

    Have you read this book? I think it might be handy for you. Much of what you describe is what I went through which was me assigning feelings to my mom's words and adding layers to what I was hearing. To be blunt, that isn?t our job. It is my mom's job to deal with her feelings. It is my job to set boundaries that I can live with. When I stripped out adding inferred emotions or motivations (which may or may not be true, and we have no way of really knowing), it freed me up to respond clearly and directly. It does involve a lot of awkward silences where I want to add in apologies, explanations, feelings, etc. but ultimately those cloud the boundary and just create debate.

  • Options
    HeyJuneHeyJune member

    Without knowing more of the story, it just sounds like your mom cares about you and wants to be near you and the grandchildren. Obviously there is more to the story since it sounds like having your mom around makes you upset. Does she just aggravate you or does she do things that could harm your family or your relationship? If there's nothing really serious going on and nothing that harms you or your family, I'd bite the bullet and let her come. 

    With the information you gave, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't welcome your mom into your home. A lot of my friends/family don't have their moms around anymore, so my perspective on situations like this has changed as I've gotten older. Helping your daughter set up a nursery is something you can only do a few times in your life. She isn't coming to set up the nursery - she's using that as a reason, but I think she's just coming to see you and spend time with your child. Now that I have a daughter, I think I'm easier on my mom and mother-in-law because I want my child to be easy on me when I want to be around her as she grows up and has a life on her own. Like I said, without knowing more of the story, I have to assume she has innocent motives.

  • Options
    BeevolBeevol member

    imagepugznploons:
    I'd try "thanks so much for offering to come then but we would prefer if you come 2 weeks after baby arrives and stay for a week-ten days."  Then repeat and repeat. 

    This.

    Don't explain anything to her. When she says "but you said you wanted me there" say "I don't remember saying that, and now I am saying that I do not want you there." When she says she wants to help with the nursery say "Thanks but no thanks." If she pesters you to the point that she is stressing you out say "If you keep pestering me, I will stop taking your calls/responding to your emails/texts until after the baby is born."

    Make a boundary and stick with it. Ask your partner to help keep you strong and back you up on it too. If she shows up anyway, explain to the hospital staff that she is not allowed - most L&D nurses are used to this type of family drama and will have your back on this one (at our hospital tour they encouraged us to use the nurses as the "bad guys" in dealing with unwanted visitors). 

  • Options
    jw87jw87 member
    imageHeyJune:

    Without knowing more of the story, it just sounds like your mom cares about you and wants to be near you and the grandchildren. Obviously there is more to the story since it sounds like having your mom around makes you upset. Does she just aggravate you or does she do things that could harm your family or your relationship? If there's nothing really serious going on and nothing that harms you or your family, I'd bite the bullet and let her come. 

    With the information you gave, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't welcome your mom into your home. A lot of my friends/family don't have their moms around anymore, so my perspective on situations like this has changed as I've gotten older. Helping your daughter set up a nursery is something you can only do a few times in your life. She isn't coming to set up the nursery - she's using that as a reason, but I think she's just coming to see you and spend time with your child. Now that I have a daughter, I think I'm easier on my mom and mother-in-law because I want my child to be easy on me when I want to be around her as she grows up and has a life on her own. Like I said, without knowing more of the story, I have to assume she has innocent motives.


    This is what I also got from your post.

    I also don't see why it's a big deal if she sits in the waiting room while you are in labor, just make it known she won't be invited back at all, no one will except H or whoever. (This is what I'm doing this time around, I had everyone last time including my MIL in the room.) 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"