ILs on guest list question - Long Rant — The Bump
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ILs on guest list question - Long Rant

I don't really get along with my ILs.  I think the way they treat my DH is abhorrent, and I do not like the way they snub us at family events (His parents showed up late to our wedding and disappeared during the reception so they have still never been introduced to anyone in my family, also we weren't invited to his sister's wedding last year - for two examples).  However, I know my husband loves his family and I encourage him to attempt to make contact with them a few times a year through the phone or, more recently, email, just to keep some sort of connection alive.  We went through a period when he joined the Army where he did not see his parents and his mother sent him a total of two email replies in six years.  They do not treat his siblings in this manner, and it is pretty obvious to anyone who knows the family that they ignore my husband.  Last year we saved some money from his deployment pay and drove up to visit them (the first visit in six years) and they told him that they were sorry they hadn't seen him in awhile, but he really should have made more of an effort to stay in contact.  I bit my tongue for my husband's sake, but that annoyed the heck out of me. 

Now we're having a baby and my mother is throwing a small family-only shower for me in July.  I feel like it's my duty as a daughter-in-law to ask that invitations be sent to my MIL and three SILs even though I'm pretty sure none of them will actually show up, and most won't even acknowledge the invite.  To be honest, I really don't want any of them to come.  DH and I have already discussed never leaving our child in the care of any of them because of how they've treated DH in the past, and also because they have very strong religious and political views that we find very harmful and do not want our child exposed to at an early age.  My MIL and FIL have not even acknowledged that we are expecting, not a phone call, email or even a quick congratulations on Facebook.

So, long story short (too late), I feel duty bound to ask for them to be invited, but I really do not want to see these people, especially not on a day that's supposed to be happy and hopefully stress free and full of cake.  Should I suck it up and have them invited anyway?

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Re: ILs on guest list question - Long Rant

  • Liz4444Liz4444 member
    10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Have you asked your husband how he feels?  I think I would see whether he wants them to be invited  (even if it's just for the sake of the invitation).  If he says yes, he would appreciate it, invite them but keep your expectations low.  If he says no, then don't.
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  • Ask your DH.

    But if he says yes, be the bigger person and invite them. You are right in that they probably will blow you off. They suck. 

    Be the bigger person and if they do show up, be gracious and charming and make them see how awesome you are for your DH. 

     

  • MiahTMiahT member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary

    image Liz4444:
    Have you asked your husband how he feels?  I think I would see whether he wants them to be invited  (even if it's just for the sake of the invitation).  If he says yes, he would appreciate it, invite them but keep your expectations low.  If he says no, then don't.

    He told me that it would be nice to invite them, but that he knows that they make me uncomfortable and he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable.  So, basically, he put the decision back on me.

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  • Liz4444Liz4444 member
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    image MiahT:

    image Liz4444:
    Have you asked your husband how he feels?  I think I would see whether he wants them to be invited  (even if it's just for the sake of the invitation).  If he says yes, he would appreciate it, invite them but keep your expectations low.  If he says no, then don't.

    He told me that it would be nice to invite them, but that he knows that they make me uncomfortable and he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable.  So, basically, he put the decision back on me.

    Then I would and just hope that they don't show, which it sounds like they probably won't and even if they do, it won't be for very long.  This way, you aren't giving them cause to say anything bad about you, and a baby might soften them a little and help forge the relationship your husband is looking to have with them.

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  • tough call, i would do the courtesy invite and keep your fingers crossed for a decline! good luck.

  • I'm not talking about "what's nice" here - it is NOT your "duty" as their DIL to invite them.  Or to include them in your life at all.  You married your DH. Not them. I'm not really sure why you "encourage" him to stay in touch w/ people who treat him so horribly. 

    These are his parents - let him decide how to manage his relationship w/ them.  Stop encouraging and stop doing things out of some made- up "duty" in your head.

    Also, remember that you owe them nothing when it comes to your child.  THey probably won't care, but if there ever is pressure from them to see your child/ to watch your child - it doesn' t matter what you do w/  YOUR family.  You do not 'owe' his family any access that you aren't comfortable with.

    As for the shower.... blah blah blah, sure, it would be "nice" to include them, but at the same time- your mom can throw you a shower for her family if she wants. If HIS family wants to be involved in a shower, they can actually throw a shower themselves (which you know they won't do).

    And seriously- you weren't invited to his sister's WEDDING.  You all know where you stand.  I'd stop playing games and stop trying to pretend there is a relationship there.  I woudln't invite them.  Call it what it is....  

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    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I would be the bigger person and just send them invites, especially if you think they won't show up. Then, in case of an argument, they can never throw it back on you that they weren't invited. You can say you made every effort.

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  • I agree with ECB 100%.
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  • I would ask your husband. If he wants you to invite them, do it. Otherwise, I wouldn't waste your time.
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  • Normally, I, too, say be the bigger person..but in this case, I think you've been big enough.

    The only weird part I see is how did you inform them of your pregnancy?  If it was a phone call, then the only response that I'd expect is "Congratulations" - I'm not sure how much more of a response you could expect.

    Since you don't really want them in your life and it's clear that they don't really want you in theirs, be polite, inform them of big things (hey, we moved! or hey, he was born and his name is George, whatever), but don't waste your vacation time or money.

    I don't think the situation is as simple as you've made it out to be - it rarely is and I have trouble seeing why a family would cut another family member out of their lives so completely, but considering what it is, I'd keep my distance. It could be that their son went away for 6  years and didn't try to contact them - they could be hurting from that (which I know communication goes both ways, but I know moms also get really hurt when their children don't seem to want them) or that they know that DH no longer shares their religious views, but I'd just accept this new way of life that doesn't really involve them.

  • Inviting them will only result in drama.  "Will they RSVP?"  "Will they actually show up?"  "Will they bring a gift?"  "Will they be pleasant to the other guests?"

    Skip it.  Just invite people you love who also love you back.

    The word you're looking for is SEX.  I promise.  No, it's not gender.  It's sex.  You're welcome.
  • Liz4444Liz4444 member
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    image BlueDevilLady:
    image EastCoastBride:

    I'm not talking about "what's nice" here - it is NOT your "duty" as their DIL to invite them.  Or to include them in your life at all.  You married your DH. Not them. I'm not really sure why you "encourage" him to stay in touch w/ people who treat him so horribly. 

    These are his parents - let him decide how to manage his relationship w/ them.  Stop encouraging and stop doing things out of some made- up "duty" in your head.

    Also, remember that you owe them nothing when it comes to your child.  THey probably won't care, but if there ever is pressure from them to see your child/ to watch your child - it doesn' t matter what you do w/  YOUR family.  You do not 'owe' his family any access that you aren't comfortable with.

    As for the shower.... blah blah blah, sure, it would be "nice" to include them, but at the same time- your mom can throw you a shower for her family if she wants. If HIS family wants to be involved in a shower, they can actually throw a shower themselves (which you know they won't do).

    And seriously- you weren't invited to his sister's WEDDING.  You all know where you stand.  I'd stop playing games and stop trying to pretend there is a relationship there.  I woudln't invite them.  Call it what it is....  

    All of this, word for word. Honestly surprised this wasn't said sooner. 

    Normally, I would have said that, but, based on the OP it seems as though her husband would really like to have a relationship with his family.

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  • I would not invite them.  If they want a shower for his family then they can offer one (which is doubtful they will do).  I think you DH needs to dig deep and figure out why they treat him so very differently then his siblings.  Something went on that you are not aware of (not even sure he is...but who knows).  There is obviously a larger picture but you may not ever discover the truth.  I would make NO effort to contact them.  It is now up to them to contact YOUR family (meaning you, your DH and your LO)...especially with the baby coming.
  • We are in a similar situation, although DH and I are on the same page. It's mainly one of his brothers (17 years older than we are) who has absolutely abused and terrorized us for the past 10 years, since i was 16, and the rest of the family has let it go on. Our shower is co ed, being given by my parents, and that brother and his wife are not invited. His parents and other brother's family are, although I was very close to not inviting his parents after how many times they have told DH he is ugly, stupid, and have literally tried to justify the brother's behavior and blame DH for his abuse. Victim blaming assholes have NO PLACE in my child's life.

    Also, I see it as my parents don't have to throw a shower for my in laws to attend; if my parents are giving me a shower I'd expect it to mainly be my/their family, not a bunch of my friends and DH's family. DH's family can give us a shower if they'd like to. but because my parents are generous, we were able to invite a few friends and a few in laws. (similarly, if a friend threw us a shower, I wouldn't invite my entire family--I'd invite other friends).

    It caused a huge issue with MIL, who was horrifically offended that we didn't invite the brother's family. Meanwhile, she's not hurt in the slightest by things like that brother physically locking DH in a utility closet for two hours until he "agreed" to leave me. He's lucky we didn't call the police. This is a huge issue that is very long and detailed, goes back to before DH was even born, and has resulted in DH being in therapy to try to correct the flawed ways of thinking and reacting to situations that has been caused my a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse and manipulation by this brother, while the rest of the family allowed it to happen.

    It's unfortunate that your husband wants a relationship--not because he wants one in general, but because it seems like it just won't happen, and that is sad. I feel bad for anyone who is rejected by their family. But regardless, if your family is throwing a shower, they are not obligated to throw a shower that involves HIS family. That would be his family's job if they chose to do so, and at that shower, they wouldn't be required to host your family either.

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  • image Liz4444:

    Normally, I would have said that, but, based on the OP it seems as though her husband would really like to have a relationship with his family.

    But I still don't see it as her "duty", nor her family's "duty", to make this happen.  if she and her family would actually rather not invite them, that's their perogative. 

    Now, if they genuinely want to invite them - out of their own desire or out of desire to appease DH - that's fine.  But no one should "have" to do this.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Liz4444Liz4444 member
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    image EastCoastBride:
    image Liz4444:

    Normally, I would have said that, but, based on the OP it seems as though her husband would really like to have a relationship with his family.

    But I still don't see it as her "duty", nor her family's "duty", to make this happen.  if she and her family would actually rather not invite them, that's their perogative. 

    Now, if they genuinely want to invite them - out of their own desire or out of desire to appease DH - that's fine.  But no one should "have" to do this.

    That's why my original question was how her H felt about the whole thing.   Should they "have" to, absolutely not.  But, it can't hurt to make yourself look like the better person.

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  • MiahTMiahT member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    Thanks for all the advice, ladies.  I decided to go ahead and include the ILs in the guest list I sent my mom, which made DH happy, but I think that the shower and our eventual birth announcements will probably be the last time I, personally, make an effort to keep in touch with most of them.
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  • Liz4444Liz4444 member
    10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Good luck.  Keep us updated on how it goes.
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