My sister is very open and honest with her five year old child. Things aren't really sugar coated to match her daughter's age, etc. If her child asks what is "sex," (which she does, because my sister lets her watch what most of us would not, my sister tells her straight out, in detail). She asked my sister about dying and my sister was apparently very forthright with her. This I know because as I was riding with my own 4 year old daughter and niece, when we passed a graveyard, my niece started pointed it out to my daughter and went on and on and on about "that's where you go when you die. They dig up a big whole and put you in it. When you die. They put you in a hole in the ground. With dirt on top of you." And she kept going, even as I'm trying to interrupt the conversation and change the subject.
Now, I know questions about death are appropriate at this age. And I know I'll have to discuss it in more detail with my daughter at some point. And I understand it's my sister's prerogative to explain things to her own daughter as she sees fit. That said, I am a little troubled by the fact that now my own daughter won't stop talking about dying and being "thrown in the ground." Especially as my conversations with her about death have been a lot more child-friendly--and along the lines of our religious beliefs. (We told her her hermit crab went to Heaven, to play with all the other hermit crabs who died, etc.). She is too young to "get" that the dead bodies might be in the ground, but their souls are in heaven (again, our beliefs)--heck, it's difficult enough for an adult to come to terms with. i wasn't prepared to be dealing with nightmares about being thrown in a big hole in the ground, and to be honest, I'm kind of pissed that my daughter has been exposed to this.
Trying to think of the best way to address this with my sister--don't think me saying, "hey, do you think you could tell X to stop talking about dying and being thrown in the ground" around our child" would go over well... (Oh, and mentioning sex, singing REALLY inappropriate song lyrics all the time, etc.). I'm not really a prude person, and I know I can't create a bubble around my kids, but there are some things that 4 and 5 year olds shouldn't be watching or hearing, no?
How would you handle with your sibling? I obviously can't keep my daughter away from her cousin, just don't know how best to deal with this.
Re: appropriate death and other discussions for four year old-opine, please
Your sister can raise her kids the way she wants. If you want your daughter to believe different things just say 'different families believe different things. We believe that when people die they go to a place called Heaven", etc etc etc. 4 and 5 is actually prime age for asking these types of questions, so it certainly isnt inappropriate to be addressing it.
Is her DD in school yet? If not, you might want to let her know that other parents are not going to like it very much when her DD tells her kids about all of these things. It's fine if she wants to tell her these things, but she needs to explain that it is a conversation to be had with mom and dad only. My kids know all of what you mentioned about death b/c they went to my grandmother's funeral, etc. last summer. They know a lot about babies, etc. too b/c they have a baby brother. But, they know that these aren't things we talk to our friends about too.
I would just tell her she forgot about the "this conversation stays home" part, in as nice a way as you can.
I think all you can do is mention to your sister that some of the things her dd says to yours is disturbing her and just ask if she could mention to your niece to only talk about certain things at home. Your dd is going to start hearing all sorts of things from other kids so just be prepared for that, lol.
My dd started asking about death and graveyards too. Mostly because my 13 year old sister in law was talking about it to a friend and dd overheard. I just asked sil to be more careful of what is said when dd is at her house. As far as handling it with my dd, I just told her the truth. I explained what death is and what happens to your body when you die as nicely as I could. Then I explained that some kids don't know about or understand death yet and she shouldn't talk about it at school or with her friends lest she scare or upset them...only to ask mommy and daddy when she has questions. I feel like honesty is the only way to go with kids. You have to edit a little to make it age appropriate but I think this age is all about those types of questions.
I guess I am more like your sister and am completely honest with DD1 when she asks questions pertaining to sex and death-I guess it's the nurse in me. Children are so concrete that the whole bit about your soul goes to heaven and you body goes in the ground is too much for them to grasp. A nurse I work with specializes in grief counseling with children and she encourages honesty. A lot of times kids want to know where their dead loved one is and her answer for kids in the 5-6 yr age range is "in the ground." Now I don't allow my kids to watch inappropriate shows/movies so DD1 doesn't ask a lot of questions about this, but she has before asked about where babies come from and I explained sex in very concrete terms. She wasn't amused or shocked and was very nonchalant about it (as was I) and never mentioned it again. When our cat died I struggled with this because DD1 was only 4. I bought her the Fred Rogers book "When a Pet Dies" and "Cat Heaven" and that helped her. We had our cat cremated and still have her ashes. So I told her Pearl's body turned into ashes (I left out the cremation part) and now she is in Heaven.
I guess I would just ask your sister to tell your niece not to mention these things around your dtr and leave it at that. You can't really tell her how to parent.
Honestly, I wouldn't approach it with my sibling unless your niece is teaching your daughter very inappropriate things. If its just the facts about something, I think I'd try to explain to her in a way she can understand.
Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Sometimes its adults that really complicate things. My DD turned 5 in March and she really doesn't have trouble understanding the difference between your physical body and the part of us that goes to heaven (what we believe). She knows that we bury part of us and part of us goes to be with Jesus (again, what we believe). It doesn't really seem to confuse her much.
As your daughter goes to school, this kind of thing is going to happen more and more often. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to make sure your daughter knows she can ask you as many questions as she wants and do the best to answer them in a way she can understand.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Ditto. My 4 year old doesn't seem fazed by the concept of body in the ground and soul in Heaven. My 6 year old asks more questions. At the younger age I imagine its easier to accept because they believe everything we say. It's once they get older and really start thinking for themselves that they might question this belief.
You can't raise other people's kids, nor tell them how they should raise them. Personally, my answer to "What is a graveyard" would have also been "It's where you are laid to rest when you die," because that's the truth and I can't think of any other way to answer that question. If you don't like your daughter being around her cousin, then don't let her be. Otherwise, suck it up and explain things to your daughter the way you want her to hear them. Simple as that.
PS My cousins told me ALL KINDS of stuff when I was a kid. Like, ink in pens came from huge factories where they "milked octopuses for their ink." And that sometimes if you fall asleep you stop breathing and die (my uncle has sleep apnea and sleeps with a facemask; I didn't sleep well for weeks after this "enlightening" conversation though lol). And that when you "turn into a girl" (puberty) you can get pregnant from being in a swimming pool with a boy. You get the idea. I was terrified by some of the things that they told me, but I turned out just fine, so,