We are social outcasts. Anyone else? — The Bump
Special Needs

We are social outcasts. Anyone else?

After going to a birthday party for one of my son's daycare buddies yesterday I was so emotionally and physically drained I just wanted to go in to a hole.  It was at one of those indoor jumping places---which I thought was going to be awesome--and it was....until DS1 started hitting everyone.  Every time I turned around I would hear "DS1 hit me"......   I felt like I was constantly trying to take him aside and "cool him off".  But it was getting to the point that he wasn't even responding to it (which is starting to happen now---he's almost laughing at me----out of nowhere).

I felt like none of the kids wanted to play with him because he was constantly grabbing at them, yet he himself didn't want to be touched.  So we got through the party---every parent giving me a glare.  Then I figured I'd run to the grocery store for just a few items.  OMG.   Within getting inside of the store he was pretty much throwing a tantrum out of nowhere (he typically doesn't do this). 

So again---the glares from others.  Then when he finally calmed down and was being my "helper" and someone would try and talk to him he would snap at them and try to hit THEM (grown ups!!!).  OMG.....  and of course they look at ME. 

I feel like I'm yelling at him all freaking day.  And I am.  He does nothing but hit his 1 yr old brother all day long.  I'm done with it.  I've talked to the pedi and she says to go over the top with saying how good he is when he is being good--and we do that--but it's not working.  I know someone have suggested "time-ins" and spending time with him in the time out scenario--but I really can't do that when I'm managing both kids by myself.  My 1 yr old is very mobile (walking) now and there's just too much danger around to leave the room. 

My stress level is so high right now I want to cry.  Literally.  I feel like every muscle is so tight it's going to snap.  Luckily I'm already on migraine meds  LOL. 

I knew having two children would be tough--but didn't think it would be for THIS reason. 

Re: We are social outcasts. Anyone else?

  • Umm...yea. Sounds like he was way overstimulated at the party. I know mine would've been and he LOVES bounce house type things. Unfortunately to the point where he doesn't want to get out of them, but that's a story for another day. As much as he never behaves that way in the store, it was a HUGE mistake to try shopping after a party. I doubt the tantrum was out of nowhere. He was ready to go home and decompress. Live and learn, right? Anyway, I would continue to firmly say no hitting 500 times a day and redirecting to more constructive activities when he does it. Keep his little hands busy. It is tougher with two. It's a shame you don't have a safe place to put him for time-outs. Maybe his bed or a soft chair?

     

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  • What a stressful day.  I'm sorry.  It totally sucks, but I would have left the party.  He was clearly out of control and overstimulated, and what you were doing wasn't working to bring him back down.  Other parents, rightfully, will not allow their kids to be repeatedly hit or grabbed.  I don't think it did you or him any favors socially to stay--it just subjected you both to more judgement.  Same with the store.  You didn't set yourself or him up for success.  I get it at least a little...my daughter's delays mean we can't do some of the social stuff (soccer, bouncy houses, actually) because she gets so fearful she freaks out, and that is socially more damaging than just waiting until she's in a place where she can (hopefully) someday handle it.

     He sounds like he's challenging right now.  I'd have a really hard time with one of my children hitting the other one repeatedly.  The last thing you want is the little one growing up to resent his big brother, or you for allowing it to happen.  If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.  Does he see a therapist?  Do his service providers have any suggestions?   

    What are you doing to lower your own stress levels?  Kids feel and feed off adult stress.  Can you get a break to unwind?  Exercise?  I don't know.  I do a lot of yoga to try to calm myself down. I'm really sorry you're under so much stress right now, and I hope things look up soon.  Hang in there.   

  • image ntyravgmom:

     It's a shame you don't have a safe place to put him for time-outs. Maybe his bed or a soft chair?

     

     In my school we use Conscious Discipline, and one of the cornerstones of the safe classroom and helping kids gain composure is called the Safe Place.  We have also worked with quite a few parents to create a Safe Place in their home.  I apologize that I could not make these links clicky, but take a look.  We've even put together a "traveling safe place" before.

     

    http://blog.thelittleschool.net/2011/04/conscious-discipline-safe-places.html

    http://consciousdiscipline.com/resources/safe_place_sensory_integration_signs.asp

    http://consciousdiscipline.com/downloads/research/Keeping Classrooms Safe - The Effects of Safe Place Strategy on Aggression.pdf 

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  • I could be totally off base on this, so I apologize if I'm wrong. You're one of the other moms here with an apraxic LO, right? Has he been diagnosed (or tested) for sensory issues? Apraxia and sensory issues go hand in hand. My son has severe reactions to places like that as well.

    If you feel he's acting out a lot behaviorally overall, I would definitely explore that possibility. If the underlying issue is sensory related and you get that under control, you would likely see a significant improvement with his behavior.

    I would totally babyproof an area so you can leave your 1 year old unattended for a short time to tend to your older child.

    Hugs!

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  • image far_more_than_rubies:
    image ntyravgmom:

     It's a shame you don't have a safe place to put him for time-outs. Maybe his bed or a soft chair?

     

     In my school we use Conscious Discipline, and one of the cornerstones of the safe classroom and helping kids gain composure is called the Safe Place.  We have also worked with quite a few parents to create a Safe Place in their home.  I apologize that I could not make these links clicky, but take a look.  We've even put together a "traveling safe place" before.

     

    http://blog.thelittleschool.net/2011/04/conscious-discipline-safe-places.html

    http://consciousdiscipline.com/resources/safe_place_sensory_integration_signs.asp

    http://consciousdiscipline.com/downloads/research/Keeping Classrooms Safe - The Effects of Safe Place Strategy on Aggression.pdf 

    I had never heard of this but I really like this!!!!!!    I think we'll give this a shot.  I really like the pictures of the star/pretzel/balloon/etc. I can totally see him getting in to that and being very proud of having "control" of himself.  Thank you very much!!!!  So much to look at and try. 

  • image wellfleet04:

    What a stressful day.  I'm sorry.  It totally sucks, but I would have left the party.  He was clearly out of control and overstimulated, and what you were doing wasn't working to bring him back down.  Other parents, rightfully, will not allow their kids to be repeatedly hit or grabbed.  I don't think it did you or him any favors socially to stay--it just subjected you both to more judgement.  Same with the store.  You didn't set yourself or him up for success.  I get it at least a little...my daughter's delays mean we can't do some of the social stuff (soccer, bouncy houses, actually) because she gets so fearful she freaks out, and that is socially more damaging than just waiting until she's in a place where she can (hopefully) someday handle it.

     He sounds like he's challenging right now.  I'd have a really hard time with one of my children hitting the other one repeatedly.  The last thing you want is the little one growing up to resent his big brother, or you for allowing it to happen.  If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.  Does he see a therapist?  Do his service providers have any suggestions?   

    What are you doing to lower your own stress levels?  Kids feel and feed off adult stress.  Can you get a break to unwind?  Exercise?  I don't know.  I do a lot of yoga to try to calm myself down. I'm really sorry you're under so much stress right now, and I hope things look up soon.  Hang in there.   

    oh man.....you are so right!  I'm such an idiot.  Why do I not see these things????  It's like it's all new to me--and it is--- I guess.  For the longest time it was just the food allergies I dealt with as a special needs---then it was speech delay---then speech apraxia then adding in sensory--now behavioral--and every day there's more and more.  It truly is a new world. I feel so lost.  I feel like such a crap mom now.  I should have known better.  I guess a part of me didn't want to take him away from something he was so excited about.

    He was so happy to be there with his friends---and truly was having a good time--it was like he just couldn't control himself.  He wasn't "hitting" to be mean--it was like impulsive behavior.  I felt so bad for him --I knew he didn't want to be doing that.  It's like reprimanding a tyrett's for swearing/yelling when they can't control it.  Ugh---I just want to crawl in to a hole.

     

  • image bubba2b:

    I cried yesterday at a bday party. So embarassed at my own behavior. The specifics leading up to this dont' matter...I dont liek attention to myself. Ugggh!

    Just want to tell you, I feel for you. My daughter is 2.5 years older than my ds. I remember how hard that time was. DH was mia due to work schedule.

    A couple of things in random order...

    1. It will get better. Serously things will change, challenges will be different but that time is hard.

    2. Respite. you need it. A couple of hours once a week for shopping or therapy or whatever...

    3. Know the limits. You will figure out where you can go with two and when...I dare not take my kids ae grocer at 10pone to the mall. Even now. That is one of my limits.

    4. There are more people out there in our shoes than you know. You might need to hang in this crowd...

    5. Take care of yourself. Do you have a gym...get the kids used to the daycare. Best money we spend. 2 hours a day I get to work out my frustrations. okay may not be your thing but seriously...alone time.

    6. stop beating yourself up...there are years to come for you to do that;.)

    7. thicker skin comes with the territory

    8. The impulsivity...ADD? Might be something to think about. We had a lot of aggression related to language (at an earlier age) but it goes on when dd's meds have worn off. I forget your details...sorry.

    9. You are a great mom! If you walk in these shoes...ya gotta be.

    How do they dx ADD exactly?  I saw your post below about that and the left handed thing and it's something I've been thinking about a while--- and the more I learn the more I wonder.  Heck--I wonder if I myself have it.  I can't even concentrate anymore--but then again--who can with our kind of workload?  I also work part-time but with a full-time workload (part of the deal to live the dream).  LOL

     

  • image smiling76:
    image wellfleet04:

    What a stressful day.  I'm sorry.  It totally sucks, but I would have left the party.  He was clearly out of control and overstimulated, and what you were doing wasn't working to bring him back down.  Other parents, rightfully, will not allow their kids to be repeatedly hit or grabbed.  I don't think it did you or him any favors socially to stay--it just subjected you both to more judgement.  Same with the store.  You didn't set yourself or him up for success.  I get it at least a little...my daughter's delays mean we can't do some of the social stuff (soccer, bouncy houses, actually) because she gets so fearful she freaks out, and that is socially more damaging than just waiting until she's in a place where she can (hopefully) someday handle it.

     He sounds like he's challenging right now.  I'd have a really hard time with one of my children hitting the other one repeatedly.  The last thing you want is the little one growing up to resent his big brother, or you for allowing it to happen.  If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.  Does he see a therapist?  Do his service providers have any suggestions?   

    What are you doing to lower your own stress levels?  Kids feel and feed off adult stress.  Can you get a break to unwind?  Exercise?  I don't know.  I do a lot of yoga to try to calm myself down. I'm really sorry you're under so much stress right now, and I hope things look up soon.  Hang in there.   

    oh man.....you are so right!  I'm such an idiot.  Why do I not see these things????  It's like it's all new to me--and it is--- I guess.  For the longest time it was just the food allergies I dealt with as a special needs---then it was speech delay---then speech apraxia then adding in sensory--now behavioral--and every day there's more and more.  It truly is a new world. I feel so lost.  I feel like such a crap mom now.  I should have known better.  I guess a part of me didn't want to take him away from something he was so excited about.

    He was so happy to be there with his friends---and truly was having a good time--it was like he just couldn't control himself.  He wasn't "hitting" to be mean--it was like impulsive behavior.  I felt so bad for him --I knew he didn't want to be doing that.  It's like reprimanding a tyrett's for swearing/yelling when they can't control it.  Ugh---I just want to crawl in to a hole.

     

    What did you do with him before the party? Did you do lots of sensory activities before going to prepare him for the overstimulating place?

    The first time we went to the indoor bouncy place was a big fail. DS fell asleep in the car, we woke him up and brought him inside. He totally had a panic attack-hyperventilating, shaking violently, sobbing. The next time we went, we focused on lots of sensory activities before going in per his OT. It went a lot better. He was a little upset/panicked at first, but warmed up and didn't have nearly as severe a reaction as the first time.

    What does his OT say about the behavioral issues? I would ask for her recs on how to make next time go better.

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  • Just wanted to jump in and say hugs and i'm sorry.

    We don't deal with the ASD dx, etc (not to say we won't in the future..lol) but I am much more vigilant of what other LO's are doing in public who most people probably think are just 'acting' out etc.

    I know we were at chik fil a last week and a younger kid smacked a random 1 year old little boy (really smacked him..hard).  

    I was kinda like whoa.  Who knows the reasoning behind it, other moms said he was hitting everyone, he hadn't' hit P I knew that much.   But if he would have hit teeny tiny Morgan I probably would have been pissed, regardless of WHY he did it. 

    Point being his parents..comforted him for making him go home bc he had hit the baby.  I guess it was obvious none of the other moms were OK with him still being there, etc.  But they never corrected him..I obviously don't know whats appropriate in a situation like that, but I do think i'm the only one who brought up that he could have a medical reason for doing it not just inadequate parenting. 

     

    DD1(4):VSD & PFO (Closed!), Prenatal stroke, Mild CP, Delayed pyloric opening/reflux, Brachycephaly & Plagiocephaly, Sacral lipoma, Tethered spinal cord, Compound heterozygous MTHFR, Neurogenic bladder, Urinary retention & dyssynergia, incomplete emptying, enlarged Bladder with Poor Muscle Tone, EDS-Type 3. Mito-Disorder has been mentioned

    DD2(2.5): Late term premie due to PTL, low fluid & IUGR, Reflux, delayed visual maturation, compound heteroygous MTHFR, PFAPA, Bilateral kidney reflux, Transient hypogammaglobulinemia, EDS-Type 3


  • I don't have a lot of advice since we are still pretty new to this whole thing, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone, I often feel like a social outcast because of Drew not behaving like the other kids and have became a collector of "the look" from other parents.

     I have learned to limit myself. We have kids exactly the same age gap and it is freaking hard. I refuse to go any where that is over simulating without my husband with me because I know I can't do it on my own. We rarely even go grocery shopping without him there. 

    Another thing I am taking to heart is something our OT told us and that is don't be afraid of leaving some place if you see him starting to break down. Better to leave and save sanity than to let him spiral out of control. It isn't fair to any one to do that.

    Have you looking into sensory issues? The more I learn about it, the more I understand what Drew is going though and how I can help him by avoiding certain things and responding in different ways. 

     Hang in there and you are not alone. ::hugs:: 

    Diabetic, 2IF, PCOS; blessed beyond words to be called "mommy" to Drew (6/30/09) and Alynn (5/16/11).
    Parenting author for Women of Worth. Mom Blogger and photographer.

     Andrew David: mixed receptive/expressive language phonological disorder, sensory processing disorder, Disruptive Behavior disorder-nos and insomnia.


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  • image KC_13:
    image smiling76:
    image wellfleet04:

    What a stressful day.  I'm sorry.  It totally sucks, but I would have left the party.  He was clearly out of control and overstimulated, and what you were doing wasn't working to bring him back down.  Other parents, rightfully, will not allow their kids to be repeatedly hit or grabbed.  I don't think it did you or him any favors socially to stay--it just subjected you both to more judgement.  Same with the store.  You didn't set yourself or him up for success.  I get it at least a little...my daughter's delays mean we can't do some of the social stuff (soccer, bouncy houses, actually) because she gets so fearful she freaks out, and that is socially more damaging than just waiting until she's in a place where she can (hopefully) someday handle it.

     He sounds like he's challenging right now.  I'd have a really hard time with one of my children hitting the other one repeatedly.  The last thing you want is the little one growing up to resent his big brother, or you for allowing it to happen.  If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.  Does he see a therapist?  Do his service providers have any suggestions?   

    What are you doing to lower your own stress levels?  Kids feel and feed off adult stress.  Can you get a break to unwind?  Exercise?  I don't know.  I do a lot of yoga to try to calm myself down. I'm really sorry you're under so much stress right now, and I hope things look up soon.  Hang in there.   

    oh man.....you are so right!  I'm such an idiot.  Why do I not see these things????  It's like it's all new to me--and it is--- I guess.  For the longest time it was just the food allergies I dealt with as a special needs---then it was speech delay---then speech apraxia then adding in sensory--now behavioral--and every day there's more and more.  It truly is a new world. I feel so lost.  I feel like such a crap mom now.  I should have known better.  I guess a part of me didn't want to take him away from something he was so excited about.

    He was so happy to be there with his friends---and truly was having a good time--it was like he just couldn't control himself.  He wasn't "hitting" to be mean--it was like impulsive behavior.  I felt so bad for him --I knew he didn't want to be doing that.  It's like reprimanding a tyrett's for swearing/yelling when they can't control it.  Ugh---I just want to crawl in to a hole.

     

    What did you do with him before the party? Did you do lots of sensory activities before going to prepare him for the overstimulating place?

    The first time we went to the indoor bouncy place was a big fail. DS fell asleep in the car, we woke him up and brought him inside. He totally had a panic attack-hyperventilating, shaking violently, sobbing. The next time we went, we focused on lots of sensory activities before going in per his OT. It went a lot better. He was a little upset/panicked at first, but warmed up and didn't have nearly as severe a reaction as the first time.

    What does his OT say about the behavioral issues? I would ask for her recs on how to make next time go better.

    I didn't really think to do anything to prepare because we've been there a lot before--he loves the place.  We've never really had "that" issue there before.  It was bizarre.  This new form of aggression on his part has been around now for about 6 months---and seems to be with people he is more familiar with.
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