Move in with parents? — The Bump
Military Families

Move in with parents?

We?re having our first baby at the end of the summer and DH is going to be deploying for 6-9 months very shortly after. I?m trying to decide if I should move home with my parents for the extra help with the baby or not. This isn?t our first deployment, and if we we?re going to have a baby, I wouldn?t even consider moving home. I have family in my home town, but no longer have any friends there. I do however have a descent amount of friends where we live, but no family nearby. We own or home, so we would either just lock it up or possibly move our belongings into storage and rent it short term. I don?t currently work or plan to go to school, so that?s nothing I have to consider. I also have a great relationship with my parents and plan to visit them often during this deployment anyway so that they can spend time with their grandson.

So, my questions are:

1.) Would you move in with your parents or stay where you are?

2.) If you?ve temporally rented your home, was it worth it financially considering the costs of storing your belongings and the costs of moving in and out twice in one year?

I?d love to hear your opinions or any advice you may have! TIA!

Re: Move in with parents?

  • I would stay put.  If you feel like you have a strong group of friends who could possibly help you out if you need it, that is a plus.  We had our DD in October and even though I would love to move back home with my family, it just doesn't seem practical for us.  I don't have a great group of friends, but I feel like I can count on the few that I have to help me out.

    Just do what you think is right and good luck to you.

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  • DH leaves for his first deployment very soon and we have a 5 mo old.  We are putting everything in storage and I am moving in with my in laws.  We will be living rent free and our storage unit is only 100 a month so it's a no brainer for us, we will save thousands. Currently we live 18 hours away from family so I wanted to stay with them for the extra help, plus I didnt want to live alone esp sine I don't really know alot of people where we live now.
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  • There is not enough money in the world that could be paid for me to move in with my parents. I love my parents and my ILs and I have a great relationship with all of them, but I need my own space and so does DS. 

    We are currently TTC and looking at a deployment in the next year. If we manage to get PG before DH leaves, I will be delivering the baby and handling the first few months alone. I would rather stay in my own home where I'm comfortable and can do things the way I like.

    And I definitely don't think it's worth it financially to move twice and pay for storage. And, during the second move you'll be all alone with a baby. No thanks.  

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  • I've always encouraged military wives to stay put during deployments. I love the support from other military wives and the 'family' like atmosphere that comes from living on or near base. Our home is where the military sends us so I've never understood moving back home. I understand the extra help will be nice but I'm sure you'll find there will be friends more than willing to help out and you can always visit home and have family visit you. I also like my own house and my own space...LOL. It seems like much more trouble than it's worth to have your belongings in storage and move twice in a year.
  • In our situation if that was the case, I would possibly move close to our family but not IN with them.  We are buying a house back home already and so I would just go there so that we could be close to family but not too close.  Like PP said, DD and I need our space too. 

    And luckily we have plenty of storage space and our house payment isnt super high so we wouldnt be out a ton of money.  I think its just one of those things you have to decide what is the most important.  Like if your really concerned about money but dont care about the parents or inlaws, that might be the right fit for your family.  Otherwise, don't be pressured to move in with someone that will make you unhappy or uncomfortable. 

     

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  •  Do your parents both work full time? If they do remember you will be at home in their house all by yourself during the day. Having the military support system is great during the deployment. Although my civilian friends and family are great they just don't really understand what we deal with. You own your house so you will still be paying on it and I don't see a short term rental really being worth it. I would stay put have family come see you and once your baby is a few months old maybe fly home for a few weeks here and there.
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  • jb2rnjb2rn
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    I have a close relationship with my parents, but I would stay put.

    Wait and see how it goes. If something unexpected happens and you NEED help, then re-evaluate.

    I think learning to parent w/o having "advice" and interference is really important.

    b/w=FSH 15.6, AMH 0.4 surprise natural BFP on 3/12/11
    DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d

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  • image Zoey1309:

    We?re having our first baby at the end of the summer and DH is going to be deploying for 6-9 months very shortly after. I?m trying to decide if I should move home with my parents for the extra help with the baby or not. This isn?t our first deployment, and if we we?re going to have a baby, I wouldn?t even consider moving home. I have family in my home town, but no longer have any friends there. I do however have a descent amount of friends where we live, but no family nearby. We own or home, so we would either just lock it up or possibly move our belongings into storage and rent it short term. I don?t currently work or plan to go to school, so that?s nothing I have to consider. I also have a great relationship with my parents and plan to visit them often during this deployment anyway so that they can spend time with their grandson.

    So, my questions are:

    1.) Would you move in with your parents or stay where you are?

    2.) If you?ve temporally rented your home, was it worth it financially considering the costs of storing your belongings and the costs of moving in and out twice in one year?

    I?d love to hear your opinions or any advice you may have! TIA!

    I was just in this situation. DH deployed in October 2011, the lease on our apartment was up in January 2012 and we have an 18 month old. It made more sense for us to move in with my parents until DH got home, save money and have extra help until DH got home. We put all of the big stuff, furniture, boxes, etc into storage (in NJ, $120 a month for a 10'x20' unit) and we are saving $1500 a month now. We are under contract on a home and DH got home April 26th. It really worked out well, we saved money, got help and I had support while he was gone. I would say do it especially with a newborn! 

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  • I wouldn't move home. If you rented, it would be a toss up. You own your house, so I think it would be silly to do anything other than stay put.
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  • For one child, I would say stay put. However I will give you my experiences.

    1st deployment after having a child: DS1 was 1mos old when DH left and was 6mos old when he returned. I stayed put where I had local family (but they couldn't really help - too old and/or busy) but had friends. I knew no other military spouses so no support from anyone there. A really good friend would stop by 1x/week for 3hr or so and watch the baby so I could run errands and have a little "me" time and then we would hang out for a short bit afterward - this was probably my saving grace. Being a first time parent, I freaked out about a lot and actually stayed home a lot and planned errands and such around my friends visit. Looking back, it wasn't that big of a deal. The baby will sleep a lot and eventually start getting into a more predictable sleep/awake pattern which will make it easier to plan things. Find a babysitter if you need to (AD military can get free subscriptions at Sittercity.com and at Care.com).

    2nd deployment and now with 2 kids: DS1 was not quite 2 and DS2 was 5mos when DH deployed. I chose to do a round robin of staying with my parents (a 9-10hr drive with kids), my ILs (a 6hr drive with kids), and staying put.  I would do extended stays. My parents live in my hometown and while I still knew a couple of people there, I wasn't really friends with anyone. It wasn't a big deal though and I didn't really feel the need to seek out friendships. I knew my stay was temporary (I stayed with them 2 different times with the last time being a 4mos stay). I knew only my ILs when I stayed there (longest stay was 2mos). We were at Ft. Riley at the time and we basically used that house as our "storage unit" (continued to pay rent) and used it as a home base between visits with my parents or ILs. It was a crap load of driving but I really appreciated the help. 

    3rd deployment - coming up: I plan on staying put. The kids are older and they have routines I want to keep them on. I also have a couple of friends here.  I still do not know that many military spouses so I don'tplan to rely on them for support since I don't really know them.  I'll have a couple of friends and my babysitters to help me out while H is gone.  I have a SN son, so mainly I'm staying because he has a lot of therapy here that I don't want to have to stop and start and stop and start, etc. But also, staying put will allow us to save a little more money.

    In the end, I was glad I made the choices I had.

  • I love my parents more than anything but I wouldn't be able to live with them with my newborn. Yes, it will be difficult to take care of a newborn on your own but you said you have a lot of friends around you who can help.  I would suggest maybe spending a few weeks with your parents but I wouldn't move in there for the entire deployment.  
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  • I've never done a deployment with DS around but what about staying put and then moving if you're having a rough time? Do you have to decide before he leaves or could you try it out for a few months?

    That being said, I'd move home.  If we were at our last duty station, I probably would've stayed for most of it and then just did a long trip home but here, things are totally different and we have unreliable support so I would absolutely move home.  DH and I feel guilty about how close we are to our huge families/extended families and that would be a great chance for my DS to get to know his cousins, great aunts/uncles and great grandparents.

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  • This is our second deployment and the second time I'll be moving "home" (I'll be living with my grandma with my parents being two blocks away). I love being home with my family when I'm pregnant and with a newborn and I think it will be even better when #2 gets here this time. We have our own space though and we don't own a home so moving out of a rental (where the landlords were driving us crazy) was a no brainer. Also, moving is a pain, especially with children and I think I'm done moving!

    Oh and my husband is National Guard so it's not like the other wives are close by to get help with things. (Plus I don't know any of them since we had just moved to that unit).

    I hope that helps in some way! 

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  • I am having baby #2 during DH's deployment and am going home about 6 months of the deployment.  My parents have a big house and my daughter and I will both have our own rooms.  I have a great relationship with my parents and am looking forward to spending time with my family if I have to be away from my husband.  I know that I will want and need help with my toddler when I have a new baby and no husband home.  If you want to move home, there is nothing wrong with that.  I look at it as a time to see my family when I am normally thousands of miles away.  In your situation, I wouldn't bother moving out of the house though.  Just have someone check on your house and you will still save money if you don't have utility, cable, internet etc. payments while home with your family. 

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  • It would seem to me, the most logical would be to stick it out at your house (since it's yours) and do a few visits home, and only move back if you need it. It will be easier in your own environment, in a sense, for you & the baby. However, if you're a person that needs support nearby - and can't count on anyone near you - than go home...

    We were stationed in Germany and my hubs got deployed when the baby was 6 weeks. I wanted to go home. I really only knew a handful of people - and barely so. Basically, I had a babysitter if I was really stuck in a bind, or at wit's end, but I didn't even see them weekly - wasn't really part of the "group" so to speak. I was completely alone, and depressed. I did not, however, have the option to simply leave right away because of the whole infant-born-overseas-who-can't-fly-to-the-US-even-though-she's-a-citizen thing. I had to wait for her passport to show up - and they won't expedite them - so I ended up being quite literally stuck in Germany by myself for 2 months. After I FINALLY got back to the states, I spent about a month with my sister (who lives near most of his family and a large chunk of mine) in one state, and then stayed with my mom until about a week before he was due back. She then traveled with me to Germany (cuz Lord knows I wouldn't be able to fly to Germany by myself with an infant on my lap and no other space) and she stayed with us in Germany a couple weeks.

    Had we lived in the states, it might not have been such a big deal. In fact, I really think it wouldn't have been so bad at all (We had been apart before, but I always had people I knew nearby).   But the winters in Germany are depressing. Always cloudy and it's dark by 330pm. No joke. I was also scared to drive to places other than the base a few people's houses. I was always a mental wreck before he left, and there was more than one occasion when I'm certain my emails to my husband would've been enough to prove I was mentally unfit to be alone.(I wasn't suicidal or anything, but just... really depressed.) I wouldv'e loved some help though those first few weeks. I was so emotionally drained, I was physically weak.

    I hope this helps you out... It's tough, it always is. But you'll figure out what you need. And good luck!

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  • I am living this situation right now because I was afraid of having a newborn and a toddler alone. Currently living with my parents and have been since November . My advice .... STAY PUT!!! at least until you try things out alone . I cannot tell you how badly I regret moving since I quickly learned I could take care of my LOs just fine on my own. Hope all goes well for ya :)
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