Father's Day

NewStepMom2ndBride

So my SD is 16 and I'm not sure what previous Fathers Days have been like but this year, she is living with his mom (used to be all three of them lived together so grandma probably helped to pick something out for him from her/pay for it).

She doesn't drive yet or have a job (I.e. no way to get to the mall or afford something).

I'm pretty sure she's not going to get him anything and with the situation, also she not seeming overly excited about our coming baby, I'm sure her lack of action (even a card) will really hurt him.

So my question is: what should I do? The grandmother is not going to allow me to take her to the mall on my own (she's convinced that I beat SD, *sigh*). As much as I'd love SD to take the initiative on her own, I don't want to see FI hurt. What if I ask her if I can pick something up for her? Have her tell me what to get and she could make him a card?

 Thanks! 

Wahoo

Why does grandma have a say if you take SD to the mall.  Is she the legal guardian?  Is she angry with your H about something?  Why would she stop helping pick out something for your H, or not allow you to go with her to shop for your H?

If your SD wanted to do something nice for her dad, she would find a way - even if it was to cut out paper slips and write "coupons" on them for things like "I'll help you mow the lawn" or "I'll watch a baseball game with you."  She can ride her bike / walk to the drug store and pick out a card. 

IMO, it's not your job to protect your H from the hurt of having a thoughtless child.  He has contributed to this on his own, but dumping his daughter on his mom b/c it was easier.  That's payback for all of his great parenting. 

 

Phantomgirl

I would probably just stay out of it.  Get him a card from the STB baby.

Your Fi might be hurt but it wont kill him.  Part of life is getting hurt.  In fact it might spur him to look at his relationship with her and take steps to fix it.

If you want proof that pain does not kill just look at your SD, she survived when he upped and left her behind to move in with his new pregnant gf.

 

Ilumine

What I am about to point out is not so much a slam on you, but points to truly think about and help you take a stand in your marriage and life.

NewStepMom2ndBride:

So my SD is 16 and I'm not sure what previous Fathers Days have been like but this year, she is living with his mom (used to be all three of them lived together so grandma probably helped to pick something out for him from her/pay for it).

Since it hasnt been a full year yet, where exactly were you for last year's Fathers Day?  At the very least, you were in a committed relationship with this man right?

My point here, is that you SHOULD know the dynamics of the family you are marrying, the father you are marrying and the man you are marrying.   Not knowing these things at the time of your marriage or a year in means that you have a lot of work to do before marriage and becoming a step-parent.

Getting to know all of the parties might help.

She doesn't drive yet or have a job (I.e. no way to get to the mall or afford something).

I'm pretty sure she's not going to get him anything and with the situation, also she not seeming overly excited about our coming baby, I'm sure her lack of action (even a card) will really hurt him.

Honestly, this is normal on both counts.  Many kids, be it in a blended family or intact, arent pleased with younger siblings.  And most teenagers dont think outside of themsleves (empathy is often a learned emotion).

Both of these negative (not wrong) actions and feelings are 50% the kid's personality and 50% based on how they were raised. 

So my question is: what should I do? The grandmother is not going to allow me to take her to the mall on my own (she's convinced that I beat SD, *sigh*).

Seriously?  You sigh at the acqusation that you are abusive?  What are you DOING about this?  And more importantly what is you FI doing about this? 

Because

     1) I most certainly would not allow anyone to bismirch my reputation like this. I would be demanding that your FI deal with his mother.

    2) I most certainly would not be with anyone who HASNT taken the iniative to deal with someone thinking I was abusive.  Honestly, your FI needs to get custody of his daughter, get some massive therapy for her, himself and as a family.  And YOU should not marry someone (its too late to discuss procreate with) who lets this happen. 

Here's the thing.  If this Grandmother were to call the COPS or DFAS, you could most certainly loose YOUR child while under investigation.  DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?    And no, I am not kidding.  My SS lied about an altercation he had with DH and it was only by the grace of God and the massive documentation of SS's behavioral issues that stopped a full fledged investigation.  The first step in these situations is to remove the kids.

And on a side note:  why WOULD a 16 want to buy a father's day gift for a man that she THINKS has married an abuser and is STILL living with her?  I am not saying that you ARE one, but if she has been brainwashed by her grandmother, then it is perfectly reasonable to take that leap.

As much as I'd love SD to take the initiative on her own, I don't want to see FI hurt. What if I ask her if I can pick something up for her? Have her tell me what to get and she could make him a card?

It is not YOUR responsiblity to take care of FI feelings.  He created this situation.  Granted most 16 yos are self-centered and dont take the iniative, but most at heart will pull somehting out of their hiney's at the last minute.  Let HER come to you or her grandmother.  If she doesn't she will have to feel the consequences of disappointing her father...

 Thanks! 

Parenting is hard.  Parenting stepchildren in the best situations is very hard.  Parenting when there isnt a BIOparent concensus sucks donkey balls.  It is even worse when YOUR partner is weak (I know this from personal experiences). 

I would DEMAND some counseling before you marry this man and become stuck.

NewStepMom2ndBride

Ilumine:

What I am about to point out is not so much a slam on you, but points to truly think about and help you take a stand in your marriage and life.

NewStepMom2ndBride:

So my SD is 16 and I'm not sure what previous Fathers Days have been like but this year, she is living with his mom (used to be all three of them lived together so grandma probably helped to pick something out for him from her/pay for it).

Since it hasnt been a full year yet, where exactly were you for last year's Fathers Day?  At the very least, you were in a committed relationship with this man right?

My point here, is that you SHOULD know the dynamics of the family you are marrying, the father you are marrying and the man you are marrying.   Not knowing these things at the time of your marriage or a year in means that you have a lot of work to do before marriage and becoming a step-parent.

Getting to know all of the parties might help.

We are expecting an 'oops' baby so now I was not there last year. I just meant I don't know if SD is a 'Happy Father's Day' child or a get card and gift child. Their relationship dynamics are a lot different now that SD is living with grandmom, the legal guardian, to finish HS in her school versus living with dad and grandmom together.  

She doesn't drive yet or have a job (I.e. no way to get to the mall or afford something).

I'm pretty sure she's not going to get him anything and with the situation, also she not seeming overly excited about our coming baby, I'm sure her lack of action (even a card) will really hurt him.

Honestly, this is normal on both counts.  Many kids, be it in a blended family or intact, arent pleased with younger siblings.  And most teenagers dont think outside of themsleves (empathy is often a learned emotion).

Both of these negative (not wrong) actions and feelings are 50% the kid's personality and 50% based on how they were raised. 

I agree that it's 100% normal, Father's Day is just coming at a bad time this year. 

So my question is: what should I do? The grandmother is not going to allow me to take her to the mall on my own (she's convinced that I beat SD, *sigh*).

Seriously?  You sigh at the acqusation that you are abusive?  What are you DOING about this?  And more importantly what is you FI doing about this?

She called the cops on me and SD laughed at her, told the cops I have never touched her, and we all apologized for making them come out. When she was appointed legal guardian, she told the court I beat SD. SD said no but court has still left the decision of whether or not I can see SD up to grandmother but there is no investigation, DCF is not involved - judge is covering his butt.  

Because

     1) I most certainly would not allow anyone to bismirch my reputation like this. I would be demanding that your FI deal with his mother.

    2) I most certainly would not be with anyone who HASNT taken the iniative to deal with someone thinking I was abusive.  Honestly, your FI needs to get custody of his daughter, get some massive therapy for her, himself and as a family.  And YOU should not marry someone (its too late to discuss procreate with) who lets this happen. 

Here's the thing.  If this Grandmother were to call the COPS or DFAS, you could most certainly loose YOUR child while under investigation.  DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?    And no, I am not kidding.  My SS lied about an altercation he had with DH and it was only by the grace of God and the massive documentation of SS's behavioral issues that stopped a full fledged investigation.  The first step in these situations is to remove the kids.

And on a side note:  why WOULD a 16 want to buy a father's day gift for a man that she THINKS has married an abuser and is STILL living with her?  I am not saying that you ARE one, but if she has been brainwashed by her grandmother, then it is perfectly reasonable to take that leap.

I am pretty sure SD knows that I don't beat her. She implored the court to let them see me. In spite of SD and SD's lawyer, judge still left it up to grandmom. We have discussed going for custody but it would be contrary to SD, grandmom, and other grandmom's wishes and apparently judge does not like him - appears to be siding with what grandmom wants versus what he and child say/want so I have little to no hope for winning that. 

As much as I'd love SD to take the initiative on her own, I don't want to see FI hurt. What if I ask her if I can pick something up for her? Have her tell me what to get and she could make him a card?

It is not YOUR responsiblity to take care of FI feelings.  He created this situation.  Granted most 16 yos are self-centered and dont take the iniative, but most at heart will pull somehting out of their hiney's at the last minute.  Let HER come to you or her grandmother.  If she doesn't she will have to feel the consequences of disappointing her father...

This is a good point. He is well aware of her typical teenage self centered attitude so maybe it won't be a shock.

 Thanks! 

Parenting is hard.  Parenting stepchildren in the best situations is very hard.  Parenting when there isnt a BIOparent concensus sucks donkey balls.  It is even worse when YOUR partner is weak (I know this from personal experiences). 

I would DEMAND some counseling before you marry this man and become stuck.

We are in couples counseling and are going with SD once a month per grandmom's wishes (her requirement for me to see SD) even though SD says she has no issues, all her issues are with grandmom (but she still wants to stay there due to her high school and we can not afford to live in that town), and is excited for baby. So, we don't have much to talk about.