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Blended Families
wwnbw
member
BM vent
wwnbw
member
SS (12) is driving me crazy. He is disrespectful and always telling lies. I want nothing to do with him but I have no choice. BM gets him 30 days in the summer. She has never taken that time. For some reason he still thinks she is going to so he asked her. First she told him his sister was going to be born in July so that wouldn't work. I told him to tell her it can be ANY 30 days during the summer. I know I shouldn't have even said that but I want him to go. He then came back and said his grandma was coming for the summer and that she would be staying in his room so there would be no place for him.
I txt her yesterday about his behavior at school and she txt back that she didn't know if she could get him this weekend because she might be in the hospital. She says she is always in the hospital so I really doubt it. She just doesn't want to be his mom. I'm so mad at her I could cry. I know DH is here but why do I have to deal with him and not her? I hate that she gets to come and go as she pleases and pretty much has no responsibility as a parent.
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Re: BM vent
You should tell you DH about his behaviour.
You DH IS the father and if the BM doesn't want to be a part of his life in a real way then the father needs to step up and take over and deal with it. Is it fair? No. Is it fair to the child? No. That's being a parent. I raised my kids alone without CS and without any real involvement from the BF. I would have loved some more money to help with costs and maybe some help from time to time. I didn't get it. It wasn't fair but I dealt with it. EDIT I did what was best for the kids.
Maybe your DH needs to do more work with this child since it is his responsibility not yours.
I can understand being frustrated and upset that she gets to live her life without the responsibility. It's also pretty hard for a child to grow up knowing one parent doesn't really want him in her life. It would be much worse knowing that and knowing that the one parent and step-parent who you do have also want to push you away. When one parent fails by choice or otherwise, the other parent needs to take over and fill in what the child needs.
DH does deal with him. He is the one that does everything. When I said why do I have to deal with him and not her I ment just that....why does he have to be in my home 24/7 and she never has to deal with him. DH takes care of things as far as punishment but I'm still here around it all.
My husband doesn't want to push my SS away. This post is about me venting about BM so I'm not sure how you took DH not doing anything. Sorry I wasn't clear.
IT's not that I thought he wasn't doing anything but if it's affecting you this much then maybe he needs to take some time with his son so you can relax. I understand venting and that it's necessary but the question of why does he have to be in your home 24/7 would be because he's in his father's home. Some parents (BM or BF) are just really not good parents and the other parent has to take up the slack. Venting is healthy but sometimes there's just no other option.
EDIT IT used to make my husband (FI at the time) angry that I had to deal with everything and my ex is living well-off. I had to tell him the same thing. (He agrees now though) IT's not fair but it's life. I have to pay for everything and I have to take care of everything and my ex does nothing but enjoy a very happy single (edit has an on and off GF) child-free life. He also misses the most amazing things. And I have two teen boys, they can be a handful.
From here out, I think you guys (preferably your DH) should be the ones handling making the summer arrangements. It's not fair for SS to have to negotiate his own summer visitation. He's just going to end up feeling like nobody wants him.
No it's not new. We have been together almost 4.5 years. BM has been like this since day one. When we first got together BM was gone for a few months because she tried to kill herself...for the second time. I wouldn't mind if he was here all the time if he wasn't acting like such a punk.
We weren't even going to bring it up because she has never taken him in the past. He is the one that went off on his own and asked her. I know I shouldn't have said she can take him any 30 days.
ETA: The only reason I knew he asked her is because he came out while he was on the phone with her and asked "does my mom get me every July or EO July" and then he told me her BS excuse about his sister being born
This is just harsh. You want him out of your home. Ok, as a vent I understand it but it sounds like you really dislike this child. He has every right to be in that home and no one should ever make it seem otherwise.
His mother is not stable and is not going to suddenly be a great hands on mom. You knew that before and you continued with the relationship.
Right now I really do dislike him. I know he is just a child but things have built up and built up and I'm the end. If I didn't have DD who only knows DH as her dad and DS I think I would leave. I also have another SS and it would break my heart to leave him too.
His own mother said he was acting like a punk in the txt messages yesterday. That is the only word to decribe his behavior.
ETA: I continued with the relationship because I was young and stupid! I was 19 when I met DH and 20 when I started dating him. If someone would have told me it would be like this I would have run for the hills. I love DH more than anything but I sometimes I wish...
Why is a 12 year old trying to navigate visitation??! This is your husbands job. This isn't BM's fault, this isn't SS's fault, this is your husbands fault. You complain she isn't parenting her child, neither is your husband!!
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How is it DH's fault? BM has NEVER is 12 years taken SS for summer. He went and asked her on his own. It was MY fault for telling him to go back and say it can be any 30 days. He talks to her about whatever he wants and he does it in his room. He never said he was going to ask her about summer so how was DH to know? Summer has always stayed EOW.
OP I totally get that you are tired, frustrated and disillusioned. It sucks big time to have to pick up the slack for BM.
The biggest difficulties in life are the ones we create by 'wishing' things were different than they actually are but doing nothing about it. We create all sorts of negative thoughts when we fight reality IN OUR HEADS.
What I am trying to say is.. in reality you have a 12 year old SS with an attitude problem. You also have a BM who has let this child down majorly in life. You can spend your day wishing that things were different, that SS was a better child, that BM would stand up, that you waited a little longer to get married and settle down, that your life in general was different.. effectively blaming others for your predicament. This will only lead to anger, frustration, depression, stress and general unhappiness.
For sure SS, DH and BM contribute to your problems but only you can rise to the occasion and take responsibility for your own life.
Blaming other takes an enormous amount of mental energy.
Take action. Talk to your DH about getting SS into counselling. This kid is acting out because he is dealing with huge abandonment issues and he does not feel loved, safe or secure in your home (he knows you don't like him trust me).
Tell your DH you need a break. Do you have family you can visit without your SS? Go and chill out and have some fun.
What kind of things do you like to do to alleviate your stress and to have a little fun? Maybe its just meeting some friends for lunch or getting out for a nice meal with your DH. Make a list of things you like to do and aim to do one a week just for yourself.
Its ok to be overwhelmed and stressed but it is not good to dwell in it. Take action to inject a little fun and happiness into your own life.
Then when you feel better in yourself you will be able to have compassion for you little 12 year old SS how is struggling to find happiness himself.
You think your life sucks? Look at his.
I kind of want to give your SS a hug. Don't you think he knows having a new baby and grandma visiting are two horrible reasons not to take visitation? Come on. He is hurt and his Bm is a loser. The last thing I would be doing is fantasizing about leaving dh and wishing to get away from the kid...
From a sm perspective I know it is so tough but he sees what you see and he wonders why his own mom doesn't love him enough. That would be enormously painful for any kid. Kids show their pay by making others suffer, see his actions for what they are: pain at being rejected and abandoned
Thank you to those you understand and gave advice. He was in therapy for a while because it was CO but after a while it just stopped. It's been a few years now. Our insurance changes in June so we are planning on getting him in then.
He usually asks BM for more visiataion (over Christmas, Thanksgiving, spring break, etc) and she always has a reason to say no. Let me make it clear that in those cases DH or I always offer BM her time via txt or phone call. SS does ask her too but that is 100% on his own. I think the main reason he wants to go to his moms (besides the obvious he just wants her to want him) is because he has been getting in trouble here and doesn't have many privileges and she has no rules. She txt me yesterday saying she isn't getting him this weekend and I KNOW it's because what he did this past week (the reason he is in ISS) and she doesn't want to have to deal with punishing him.