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Blended Families
Hopeforthebest
member
Please help us...to call lawyer or NOT?
Hopeforthebest
member
During Skype tonight SS started to tell DH about something that happened to SD today at the park.It sounded like either she got hurt or something bad, not a happy thing. BM abruptly interrupted by yelling "NO" and SS stopped cold and even when DH asked what happened again, he wouldn't answer.
After Skype DH text BM and asked "what happened to SD" and said "Please do not tell my son NOT to tell me something, I heard you stop him". Her reply...... It doesn't concern you. I will ALWAYS tell him to stop telling you things that don't concern you, and I wasn't trying for you NOT to hear me.
WTF....We've always known she kept things,hid things, coached the SS, but to have it in writing like this..are we overreacting to think it's a good time to contact lawyer? It's in the CO that the phone calls or Skype are not to be monitored or interfered with....but this is the first excessively blatant time along with the text that followed.
Thanks for your impartial input.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Please help us...to call lawyer or NOT?
absolutely!! I would call you're attorney, especially where you have her admitting something over text and a blatant line in the CO that says she can't interrupt.
If I was your H I would get on the phone with SD and figure out what happened as well. maybe its not a big deal, but the fact that BM freaked out would make me push 10x harder to find out what happened.
So please understand that I'm trying to not be snarky, but on this board there is a lot of "my parenting time, my business" but then that same respect is not accorded to the other parent. I'm not saying anything against you personally, but people can't have it both ways.
Most people here would NOT be pleased to have the other parent prying into something like that happened during their parenting time.
So unless you have a reason to suspect it could be something serious (ie, the child was endangered), then I think you need to bide your time and see what happens over the next 24-48 hours. But if there's been no background of abuse, neglect, drugs, alcohol, etc.. I think calling an attorney would be a bit of an overreaction.
But, follow your instincts. If you really think something is wrong, then you have to do what you think is right.
I also don't really understand the not monitoring Skype/phone calls thing. I don't actively listen when my kid is on the phone w/ XH, but if I didn't help him, the calls wouldn't happen. And when my kids are in my home, I will monitor them if I wish. A CO is not going to prevent me from watching my kids. And there are things that go on in my home, that I wouldn't want DS blabbing to XH. I can think of dozens of things that DS might say to XH that are none of his business.
ETA: My grammar goes WAY downhill after 2 glasses of wine. Many apologies.
I agree with Felles.
If you think there is something serious going on then it is really none of your business. There are things that I dont want BF to know. Are they very bad or am I putting my daughter in danger? no
When DD is Skyping with her dad, Im there 100% of the time and I know what is being said.
Now, to answer your question, I dont think I would call your lawyer over this. Your SD might actually gotten hurt in the playground, but unless it was due to BM?s negligence, you can just say that its a kid being a kid.
It used to get on my last nerve every time BF would bring up that DD was getting hurt, when it wasn't even my fault. Then during his parenting time, she would always come back with scratches on her knees, I would point it out and say, its pretty normal and I don't make a big deal out of it.
Is SD in daycare? Either call th today or call the police for a well-being check. Tell them that SS told you something bad happened and that BM would not let him say what but you want to know she is ok. They might not tell you what happened but at least you will know she is ok...or not.
This is an issue. Children should not be taught to keep secrets from their parent. If the SKs couldn't share things that happen at BMs (CP) then they couldn't talk about anything. My SKs know their is nothing that happens at our house they can't tell their mom about. We don't want them hiding things from a parent.
It becomes over stepping your bounds when you try to control what is happening at the other house or call to harrass the other parent about normal kid things.
If SD got hurt or in trouble at the park SS should be able to share that with his father. Any Saturday you can go to a park and see at least one kid get hurt and one kid get in trouble. It is only a problem if your H is complaining, controling, or having a fit over normal kid things.
The bottom line is she is teaching her kids to keep secrets from their father and that is wrong. I would call the lawyer for the discussions to no longer be monitored by BM.
I think the bigger picture is also something we are concerned with.We are long distance and will see the kids in 2 weeks.
How is it okay for one parent to tell a child not to tell the other parent something??
I think this sets a bad precedent that a child is told to withhold info from one parent at the request of the other. When we have SS we tell him he can tell his dad ANYTHING. And that if a grown up or anyone tells him not to tell his daddy something that is the time you should make SURE to tell him.
As for the CO saying she isn't to monitor/interfere, that I think is typical language. Obviously she has to set up the computer to get it started, but she isn't supposed to tell him what to say or not say etc.
DH doesn't ask SS anything about their house. Just things like what did you do today, how is school, etc. DH never EVER texts or asks questions to BM about what goes on there, we are well aware that what happens there he has no control over.
Thanks for listening and the input.
That was my thought as well. You must have been posting as I was. DH is NOT the controlling kind. He has no history of bugging her with asking about bruises or scrapes as they are both kids and normal kid things happen. He gets that.
There was one time recently (maybe 6ish months ago) when DS was on the phone with XH. We were all in the car, and he started talking to XH about how I nurse DD and she nurses out of my boobs, and my boobs this and that.
As soon as I realize what he's chattering about I absolutely said NO!, talking about my body to someone is totally inappropriate.
DS also learned our garage door code and immediately told it to his best friend and repeated it over the phone to XH. Once we realized what happened, we told him that he may not share that information with anyone.
These are the types things that go on in my home that are none of XH's business. I have absolutely no qualms about telling DS that it's not okay to repeat certain things that he hears and sees. I think there's a difference between keeping secrets from another parent, and understanding that some things are private. When kids are too young to know where those boundaries lie, the parent has to step in.
OP, like I said last night, I think you need to follow your instincts. If this is out of character and you're worried, you have to do what you think is the right thing. I guess I would just caution against assuming the worst with no cause.
I think the difference between these things is that they are private things that shouldn't be talked about with ANYONE, not just BF. in OP's case it seems that BM is telling the kids to lie/ withold information from their father. two completely different circumstances.
OP it seems your H needs to have a discussion with BM about this. they are his kids and should NOT be told that some things that go on at her house are "none of his business" as long as the well being of his children are concerned. If it was something that happened at a playground I cannot see any reason why DH shouldn't know about it, especially where it pertains to SD.
for example, our SD is comfortable telling BM if DH and I get into a fight (which is none of BM's business, but is part of normal marriage/ parenting) we don't tell SD NOT to tell her mom about it, and her mom is a PIA and gives SD the 3rd degree about it so now SD chooses not to tell her mom certain things. none of which are safety concerns and none of it is lying, she just doesn't openly share the info. this is normal and healthy in a Blended family.
OP, what your BM is doing is WRONG. I would have H call daycare and make sure SD is there and ok today and if she is not, call BM and ask why. if she skirts around it or won't tell him what happened at the playground he can threaten a well child check. give her the opportunity to tell you what happened first, but when it comes to the well being of the child he has every right to know what is going on.
Well, right, but how does the parent on the phone to the child know the difference? And for that matter, the nuances of "don't tell daddy" and "this isn't a topic of conversation for people outside our home, even daddy" can be pretty subtle for a kid.
My points are just that a) the knife cuts both ways, and for every post that we get about BM won't tell us xyz, there's someone else complaining that BM calls and demands to know abc; and b) there are acceptable/benign reasons for a parent to tell a child that certain information isn't anyone else's business.
I completely agree, however in this case the SS was trying to tell his dad something about his sister, which couldn't possibly be embarrassing or a safety issue or anything to BM and if its about the H's daughter he has every right to know about it.
and then the BM sent the H a text message that what goes on in her house is none of his concern. which I can see it would be appropriate if the SS was saying something about BM crapping her pants at the playground or something, but he was talking about his sister. kwim?
SD has compared my boobs to her moms boobs. it was awkward and uncomfortable and so now I don't change in front of her. I also had a conversation with her about private parts and that we don't discuss other peoples bodies etc. she is almost 6 so I also took it as a time to tell her that people aren't allowed to touch her private parts etc.
My personal feeling is that if someone has nothing to hide, then there's no need to ever tell a child "Don't tell Daddy/Mommy". Sure some things we probably wish our kiddos didn't talk about, but kids like to talk and tell stories about what they did that day. Was I thrilled when K went and told BM that I was dancing around the kitchen rocking out to Pat Benetar and burned the rice I was making for dinner? No, but K thought it was hilarious and she told everyone. I have never once told my kiddos that they can't tell their father things, or told K she can't tell BM things. I don't tell the kids they can't tell my husband things, so I feel the same goes for their father and BM.
Kids have a hard time differentiating what's "ok" to tell and "not ok" to tell. If we start telling our kids not to tell Daddy that I got a new car, they're going to take that to mean they can't tell Daddy anyhting that happens at our house. That worries me. If a child thinks they can't tell the other parent about little things that happen in their daily lives, will they feel that they're allowed to tell the other parent about big and important things? Where do we draw that line with kids?
As for people monitoring their children's phone calls and Skype... why? Whenever my daughter talks to her father, she takes my phone in her room and talks. I don't feel the need to listen in or monitor what is said. Same thing with Skype, why? I've set it up, said hello and left the room so they can talk. My XH doesn't monitor or listen in on my daily conversations with my kids,so I don't feel it's fair to monitor his occasional conversations. OP, I have a huge issue with BM jumping into the conversation and telling the child "No!" and not allowing him to tell his father things. This needs to be brought up to the attorney. That is the very definition of interfering with the skype.
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