Regarding the "T" in LGBT...

punkrockabye

Hello all! I've wanted to post this for a very long time but I have been really hesitant. First thing first: I lurk only very rarely, and I haven't seen any trans parents around here. Are there any?

Hopefully this won't get too long winded. In general, I am a woman, but I don't exactly identify as such (or as either binary gender). However, that's really not why I'm posting; it's because I know I will, in some years, be gaining a wife that will take the place of my husband. I'll be using masculine pronouns because my husband still presents as male and is fine currently being referred to as such. 

We had only been together for a couple months when I was 16 and he was 17, and he came out to me as transgender. I had a hunch due to the frequency which he referenced his dressing as a woman as a joke or Halloween costume, and he felt comfortable telling me since he knew how I felt about such subjects. I was pretty outspoken.

Since we finally conceived this much wanted little kiddo, he has let me know that he does intend on transitioning in the future, but he wants to finish building our family naturally first. We hope to be able to have 3 children. I have seen this coming but I am honest when I tell him that regardless of how much I know it's a reality, it will still require an adjustment, but that's not to say I question it or I am hesitant; it's just that I have publicly had a husband/boyfriend for almost 10 years already, so it will require readjustment in my part. He knows and I know that I am beyond in favor of this because I did not fall in love with a gender, I fell in love with a person; this person will not be going away.

I'm simply curious if there are any trans parents around here! I know he frequents a lot of forums of his own and has a blog where he communicates with others, but I have never followed it... it's just not my place to do so. I decided to ask if he minded if I asked on here, since I think it's only fair that I try to connect with other spouses of trans folks. He's about as nervous as I am about me posting but he said it's fine. It's a pretty unique situation to be in and I'd love to hear about other people's experiences.

We are very lucky in the sense that one of our high school friends came out to us as transgender, has two young kids with her wife, and overall it was just very awesome to find out that we've been friends all along with some people who were in our situation. Unfortunately we no longer live close to each other, and I am pretty sure she is out to all family; aside from myself and those friends, some therapists, and some internet friends, my husband is not ready to even hint to anyone and probably will not be for several more years.

We've been recently inspired by one of our favorite musicians coming out as transgender. For someone in the punk community to have such courage to announce that she will publicly transition while continuing with the band is just incredible and it has been awesome watching the outpouring of support for her. One thing my husband worries about is his desired career as a punk musician and how being transgender might affect things. This person's coming out has made us very hopeful.

I hope I don't get too nervous and delete this! There's really no way for anyone to search for me and find me here so I know I don't have too much to worry about, but it's a pretty important topic to us and I am still nervous about specifically discussing it. 

nmartin1108

Welcome! There are a couple of us here who are SOs of transgendered individuals. My husband is FTM and started transitioning just over four years ago.  My husband is what we would consider stealth, very few people in our lives know that he is trans. So I totally understand the anxiety about your identity being exposed. It is important to have a community of support though, and I have found this one to be welcoming and safe! 

It sounds like your husband is lucky to have such a supportive partner. I know of a lot of people who would not have taken his desire to eventually transition as well as you seem to be! You are right though that when the time comes it will be an adjustment. I always tell people who are going through a partner's transition to remember that it is a transition for them too. Don't get lost in the shuffle, continue to work on communication, share your feelings about how the transition is affecting you. You will both come out the better for it in the end.

I hope you stick around, this really is a great group!

Nicole 

maryoosa

Welcome!

emma+karen

Welcome!  This is a great, supportive community!

tdmklm

We're pretty safe here. Welcome, and I hope you stick around.

ClickerishReturns

While I have several trans friends, and while none of them have children as of right now, part of it is that they have yet to meet supportive partners such as yourself. So, feel free to share. I haven't been here long, but everyone seems really supportive!

punkrockabye

Thank you, everyone! I was hoping I'd feel welcomed... I mean, I didn't think I'd be unwelcome, but I wasn't sure if the board was only lesbian moms. Granted I am not heterosexual so I'd still fit in!

I'm just trying to think ahead to the future so I can know where we might find support, not only as a couple but also as parents. I know the first thing family will question is why we are "not concerned with messing up our children." I take comfort in the fact that we know our children will grow up knowing that love is a very special thing between two consenting people, and that's all; not two sexes or genders, but two people who care about each other, and that their parents will support and accept them unconditionally

I don't expect family to be very supportive because they haven't been too supportive of us in general; my parents have been for the most part, but they're pretty conservative (my dad is 73, my stepmom is in her 50s; my mom passed away 16 years ago but I believe she'd be supportive) and this will not go over well with them when the time comes. It won't be an easy process when my husband decides to transition; he sports a full (beautiful!) beard and has for years, and will require a lot of procedures that will be very expensive and time consuming. We'll also have been in a relationship for well over a decade and people will just be very confused. Right now we are almost broke, so it's kind of intimidating to think about needing to afford it all. Another downside is that we were born in one of the few states that refuses to change the sex on birth certificates under any circumstance.

2moms2twins

are you talking bout TOM GABLE of AGAINST ME!  This is so big for mainstream- it was in rolling stones and forbes.  

I have some Trans issues but could never transition- but very male ID'd my wife and I just had twins 10 months ago... and are talking about #3 financially it would be best if I carried and such but like I said i have issues... oddly, when i mentioned it to my family who is pretty cool and accept me  they kind of wigged out and thought it would be so weird for me to be pregnant - Growing a human seems amazing but the birth and all that stuff not for me.  but i was a lil taken back by their response and my wife said to me that they finally see me for the "guy" i am and they are having a hard time with it ...so for so many years I wanted them to understand me and now they do and it crazy that they they have come full circle and have a hard time with it ....

anyhow- this is a safe place... there are AMAZING PEOPLE On this board !!!!!

so welcome cant wait to read more from you 

 - J

 

punkrockabye

2moms2twins:

are you talking bout TOM GABLE of AGAINST ME!  This is so big for mainstream- it was in rolling stones and forbes.  

I have some Trans issues but could never transition- but very male ID'd my wife and I just had twins 10 months ago... and are talking about #3 financially it would be best if I carried and such but like I said i have issues... oddly, when i mentioned it to my family who is pretty cool and accept me  they kind of wigged out and thought it would be so weird for me to be pregnant - Growing a human seems amazing but the birth and all that stuff not for me.  but i was a lil taken back by their response and my wife said to me that they finally see me for the "guy" i am and they are having a hard time with it ...so for so many years I wanted them to understand me and now they do and it crazy that they they have come full circle and have a hard time with it ....

anyhow- this is a safe place... there are AMAZING PEOPLE On this board !!!!!

so welcome cant wait to read more from you 

 - J

 

I am! I have been a big AM! fan for a long time and I am still so overwhelmed and happy and excited for her. It really is huge for the punk scene and I know there have been a lot of negative reactions, but in my corner of the internet everyone has been absolutely beautiful. I'm so inspired by her honesty and courage to come out like this in a scene that is known for being very accepting IF you follow certain rules. My husband has decided to come out to some friends of ours later this week, and the news Laura Grace has kind of given him the push to do so. It helps that these friends are very "open" and one identifies as genderqueer, but it's like after Laura came out, he and I both feel so much better about everything. I especially love how understanding her wife is! I can't wait to have the opportunity to hug her and thank her for doing what she needs to do, and unfortunately the next time AM! is in town, we'll be on our way out of state for our baby shower.

I surprised myself with how okay I am with physically carrying and having a baby. In fact, I truly want it, and it is the one aspect in which I feel lucky to have the ability to do so. I always knew I wanted kids but I used to be unsure about how I'd feel regarding actually being the one to have them. Other than my desire to bear children, I don't particularly like identifying as a woman, but I also wouldn't present myself as a man completely. This was very hard for me in the years before realizing that gender is a spectrum; I spent ages of 12 or so to my early 20s thinking that I was just simply messed up because I couldn't decide between male or female. Learning about the gender spectrum was a huge weight off my shoulders and I am very okay with myself now.