So frustrated!!

cookie280

So I think I'm up to my eye balls with DH. I posted last week about him being distant and not spending much time together (He's been working a lot lately). Well Nothing has changed, we've been arguing on and off. I told him how I feel about things and he said he feels bad and he will make it up to me...and Nothing! 

He just acts like nothing is wrong and keeps on doing the same sh*t he always does. So now I'm even more pissed off because I'm trying to schedule NT scan  because I feel comfortable having it done and I would like him to be there. Well he tells me if it's not a weekend then I can't make it. WTF!!! He hasn't gone to any doc's appt with me or the u/s appt.

I'm starting to feel that I'm on my own here! It's very frustrating and overwhelming. I just feel down and upset about things. It just seems to me as if his job is more important at this point. It scares me if this is how he's being now...what will happen later on?

Maybe I'm overreacting... am I? What should I do?

Thanks for listening.  

ClarissaExplainsItAll

FI hasn't been to any of my weekly appointments.  His job IS more important because it's what is paying for this baby.  Perhaps he is trying to save up PTO for when the baby gets here, or for more important visits, like the A/S.  I think you are overreacting.  

With my last pregnancy, my XH went to exactly 2 of my appointments.  My first appointment (which was not an U/S) because he had to give family history, and the A/S.  You'll survive. 

jsoubel

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time, and I applaud you for speaking honestly about it.  You are not the only woman in this boat.  I read recently"The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy".  Have you heard of it?  It's very engaging and the author talks about how her husband was NOT interested in anything having to do with the first baby.  She was on her own.  She explains that, in the end, he is a wonderful father, but he just wasn't able to relate when the baby wasn't directly in his arms.  Abstract thinking may not be a strong point for many men.  

Do you have a girlfriend, sister, or another person who might really enjoy going to the visits with you?  Love and support can come from many different sources.  Maybe you would enjoy the care of a midwife, who tend to spend more time with you and offer support that an Ob/gyn does not.  And, you always have us!   

denise_m

I think for men, pregnancy is incredibly scary.  It's the world of the unknown.  It means everything in their life is changing.  They have NO control over anything, and 99% of men like to be able to have some control or decision making when it comes to anything, and here they have none.

Pregnancy also means they switch to the provider.  It's one thing to have a wife to care for, it's an entirely other thing to have an innocent, fragile human being born that depends on you for everything.  

He could be throwing himself into his job because he has control and he knows that he has to provide for his family now.  He could be scared, stressed, and not wanting to share that with you for fear of disappointing you.

He could want to throw himself into his job for hopes of a raise, promotion or more job security.

I know when I am stressed and upset I have a tendency to talk at my DH and not with him. When I talk at him, he just agrees and says to make it better.  When we talk together about something, we get to the root of the problem.

My dh doesn't go to any appointments with me and only one u/s.  That I schedule on the weekends.  It's been like that since our first.  This means he takes less time off of work which means he has far more time when the baby is born to stay home and bond.  

I would sit down with him, without getting upset or emotional and talk to him.  Why do you want him at the appointment?  Share that with him.  Why does he think it's ok to miss it? Why is he working more.

Reconnect over something not baby related and see where it goes.   

bunnymay

I'm sorry you are going through this.  There have been many sociological studies that suggest that men increase their hours at work when children are brought into the equation.  Of course, there are many reasons why that happens.

Keep the the communication open.  It's going to take more than one conversation and one week for him to change his behavior.  Also, make sure you are actually having a dialogue and not a one way conversation in which you are talking at him.

GL!

cookie280

Thank you ladies for your input and support. 
I know that it's (somewhat) hormones talking, but this has been going on even before we found out I was pg. He's been putting in so much time at work because his job is very demanding and it's hard for him to just take time off (The work has to get done). 

It just scares me a little to think that maybe he's not taking this pregnancy or baby seriously. I mean it's not even about the appointments, he doesn't even mention anything about it. He doesn't seem to want to know anything or asks anything... I don't know it's just a feeling.  

SummerOH

cookie280:

Thank you ladies for your input and support. 
I know that it's (somewhat) hormones talking, but this has been going on even before we found out I was pg. He's been putting in so much time at work because his job is very demanding and it's hard for him to just take time off (The work has to get done). 

It just scares me a little to think that maybe he's not taking this pregnancy or baby seriously. I mean it's not even about the appointments, he doesn't even mention anything about it. He doesn't seem to want to know anything or asks anything... I don't know it's just a feeling.  

I don't think it's him not taking it seriously, but probably more of it not really sinking in.  It's hard for men to really "get" it right away because everything is the same.  You look the same.  There's no baby to take care of.  Nothing has changed.  Whereas women, everything seems to change as soon as you get that BFP.  KWIM?  I've read in more than one book that a lot of men don't really get it until their partner starts to show and/or they hear the HB and see an u/s where it actually looks like a baby and not a blob.  I wouldn't worry about his behavior being indicative of his future parenting skills. 

 

I don't plan on MH coming to many of the appointments.  Maybe just one for the u/s where it actually looks like a baby.  I'm not even having him come to the size/date u/s when I'm 11 weeks because it's just a blob at that point.  It's the same as PPers.  His schedule isn't very flexible and his job is more important than my appointments.  Some men can take off every month or every few weeks, but unfortunately he can't.

 

Sit down and calmly talk to him.  Tell him you realize his job is demanding but you feel that he's uninterested.  Try to brainstorm other ways he can be involved.  I honestly think this will naturally happen once you are showing, doing your nursery, making plans, going to childbirth classes, etc.