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December 2012 Moms
HELP with boyfriend!!
So, this could definitely end up as the longest story ever, but I will try and make it as quick and painless as possible...
My boyfriend and I are currently 25 but have been dating for 12 years and living together for 2 years. We have had our up and downs, mostly from just being young, but for the most part have a pretty good and solid relationship. Earlier this year, he went to Vegas for a "guys weekend" with some friend, and everything seemed to go ok. I wasn't ok with it whatsoever, which I made clear, but I also didn't put up too much a fight when he decided to go. Well early in March, his friend, who is turning 25, decided that he wanted to spend his June birthday in Vegas. This time, my boyfriend invited me to come along, but now that we are expecting, we decided that although he REALLY wants to go, it is not the best decision for either of us. That discussion happened a few weeks ago right after we found out about the baby. Well today he calls me from work asking about going to Vegas again because the friends are all booking the flights this week. I think it is a bad decision on so many levels, but he says he really wants to go and is kinda making it seem like it is not my decision to make. His reason for wanting to go is "because he wants to and because the baby won't be here until December anyways." My reasons for not wanting him to go are: the financial burden, the trust/temptation issue of what goes on in Vegas and what his friends focus is (other girls), the fact that WE are both pregnant and have to make sacrifices, the perception of our parents of the decision and possible influence on their support throughout and after the pregnancy, and I just don't feel it is a responsible decision.
Can someone please give me some advice on not only what I should be feeling, but also how I can get through to him?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: HELP with boyfriend!!
This.
Missed Miscarriage discovered at 9w6d
D&E 10.27.2011
I'll love you forever Baby Speck
EDD: 06/25/2006 M/C: 11/03/2005
EDD: 04/08/2012 M/C: 09/03/2011
EDD: 12/27/2012 Born Sleeping: 07/19/2012
EDD: 12/07/2013 M/C 05/30/2013 & 05/31/2013
EDD: 07/01/2016 Born sleeping: 03/02/2016
This. If you guys really can't afford it, that's one thing but if you can, I think that you both can still do things.
And I especially agree that it sounds like you just don't trust him and honestly that's the biggest red flag to me. You guys need to work that out and fast now that you're about to be parents. Is this your baggage or has he given you reason not to trust him? If it's just you, it sounds like you need some counseling to work through your trust issues. If you don't trust him because of his actions, you need couples counseling and possibly individual counseling for him.
DS Nathan 12/4/12
BFP: 3/31/15 EDD: 12/4/15
MC: 7/2011, 12/2011
I have already made the decision not to go. The trip is solely about partying, and it is not the best environment for me to be in...I'm definitely in the stage of being tired all of the time, and I do not want to be around all of the cigarette smoke that will be in the casinos and clubs.
I understand that it is coming across like a trust issue, but I am just trying to be realistic here. My belief has always been that men will do what you let them get away with, and I want to set the tone early in this pregnancy that regardless of the fact that the baby is in my belly, we are both 100% responsible for this baby. I would rather him resent me for not approving on him going than let him believe that he can still live the life that his single friends do.
This is a pretty terrible attitude to have toward your SO and all men. Do you not have any respect for him and his ability to make decisions and do the right thing? You really think he's that untrustworthy just because he's a guy?
And for the record, I have a friend who has two kids and her husband still takes his annual guys trip to Vegas with no issues. I'm pregnant and H and I have a two-year-old and I'm going to Philly next week for a conference. It doesn't mean I'm not just as dedicated to my children and family as someone who refuses to travel.
Sorry but I'm still saying you need counseling.
DS Nathan 12/4/12
BFP: 3/31/15 EDD: 12/4/15
MC: 7/2011, 12/2011
My DH and I have been together for 13 years and we each go on a trip with our friends every year. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't' trust him. Men and women can cheat wherever and whenever they want - being in Vegas means nothing.
This.
This. I don't think it will help your relationship if you don't allow him to go. He deserves time out with his friends, and I'm sure you have probably had time out with your friends. It sounds like you just don't trust him in Vegas.
You really aren't reading what has been said here. If you guys can't afford it, that's one thing and yes, it would be irresponsible of him to take an expensive trip if it's going to mean you will struggle to support your child. No one has said different.
The reason I said you need counseling is your attitude toward trust in a relationship. What you're saying here is NOT what you said above. What you said before is that you don't trust him to make good decisions on the trip - that's a HUGE relationship problem. It either means you have trust issues or he is untrustworthy. You guys are going to be parents soon. It's in the best interest of your child to work your baggage out now.
Look, if you think it's healthy to just assume your SO will cheat or do something wrong if he's out of your sight for a couple days, whatever. It's going to be your problem to deal with so it doesn't matter to me. But I'm telling you, it's not a component of a healthy, successful relationship and it would be wise and mature to work those issues out before you baggage can affect a baby who didn't ask for it and doesn't deserve it.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you and your LO and SO.
DS Nathan 12/4/12
BFP: 3/31/15 EDD: 12/4/15
MC: 7/2011, 12/2011
If it's strictly a money thing, I think that you guys should talk about it. Maybe there's something else that he normally spends money on that he'd be willing to give up to go.
If it's because you want to set the "tone" for the baby or because you're trying to force him to be responsible, I don't think that you're doing yourself any favors. He's going to resent you for not "letting" him go, and likely his friends are going to give him grief for being whipped.
I hate saying it, but you don't sound very mature either. Come on, what happens to Vegas?... That was a fabulous marketing scheme, but totally BS. I've been there four times, and have lost a total of $100 gambling and never slept with anyone. Mostly, we just layed by the pool during the day, had drinks, and went to dinner/shows in the evenings. It's no different than going to FL or AZ or any other warm city.
All of this. You sound really immature about your relationship with your BF. I, also, suggest couples counseling to deal with your trust issues.
I have never once in my relationship with my H ever opposed him going somewhere because I didn't trust him. Financially, perhaps, but because I didn't trust him not to cheat? Not once. Because I trust him implicitly and he trusts me. Knowing that you automatically assume that your BF is too weak to not give in to temptation just because it's Vegas and his guy friends like to oogle girls makes me feel sorry for your BF.
I mean, just being devil's advocate here, but....you are a girl. I do think a guys trip would wind up at least a little differently. I have been to Vegas too- my trip experience was slightly different than yours. I did not go around sleeping with people either but, I am just sayin'.
I don't know. I definitely wouldn't want my boyfriend (assuming he was any other guy) in a nightclub with insane amounts of alcohol in him. I get that.
That said, I wouldn't be dating a guy who even considered going INTO a nightclub in Vegas, or who hung around with guys who did.
THAT said, if my husband wanted to go to Vegas for a guys' weekend, strange as a request as it may be, I'd trust him upside down and backwards for a 40-year-long guys' trip. I know who I married and I know that he can be trusted to be a gentleman with good judgement in any situation. If by some chance you feel that you can't trust him now, you're not going to feel like you can trust him once you're married, if that's something on the horizon.
When it comes to relationships, there IS such a thing as the ideal guy, and every woman out there has a duty to set the bar high. When we expect great things from our men, the results are almost always a good thing. :-)
I personally wouldn't have a problem with it with DH. He's a grown-up and has to make his own decisions.
For the financial part, have him figure out what he's willing to sacrifice to make it happen.
As far as the trust issue, if you can't trust him in Vegas, you can't trust him period. Locations and vacations do not make men cheat. If they are going to do it, they are going to do it.
This could quite honestly be his last "hoorah" with the guys before the baby. If you make the decision for him, he will resent the hell out of you and it won't be worth it.
And for men, it simply isn't as real for them at this stage as it is for you. They do not connect in the same way until either later in pregnancy or at birth. He may feel that he is already making plenty of sacrifices.
I think you need to have a frank, honest, unemotional discussion about your future and your plans regarding the baby.
BFP#1 Kaitlyn 11-17-04
BFP #2 Matthew pPROM 23w5d 06-03-07, b/33 weeks 8-6-07, d/10-15-07 SIDS,
BFP #3 m/c 8 weeks 2/20/09, BFP #4 m/c no hb 6w4d, m/c 9w4d, D&C 11w2d, BFP #5 C/P 12/18/09 after BFP- 9dpo
BFP #6 Samantha- 11-9-10
BFP #7 4/20/12 21 DPO beta: 2382 29 DPO beta: 23000! HB 6w2d 116 bpm due Christmas day!
This Momma's Journey
~Today I am pregnant and I love my baby~
This. Exactly.
Really? I go to Vegas and hand out at the hotel pools, gamble a little, eat ridiculously delicious food, shop and go to shows. Strippers have nothing to do with it. Same when my H goes. You seem to have an extremely narrow view of the "Vegas schtick".
You cannot ever, in any circumstance force someone else to grow up.
BFP#1 Kaitlyn 11-17-04
BFP #2 Matthew pPROM 23w5d 06-03-07, b/33 weeks 8-6-07, d/10-15-07 SIDS,
BFP #3 m/c 8 weeks 2/20/09, BFP #4 m/c no hb 6w4d, m/c 9w4d, D&C 11w2d, BFP #5 C/P 12/18/09 after BFP- 9dpo
BFP #6 Samantha- 11-9-10
BFP #7 4/20/12 21 DPO beta: 2382 29 DPO beta: 23000! HB 6w2d 116 bpm due Christmas day!
This Momma's Journey
~Today I am pregnant and I love my baby~
Well, I would not say my view is narrow. People go to Vegas for different reasons. I mentioned in a previous reply that my experience in Vegas was different from yours. I have actually been on multiple occasions and I think Vegas is great. Not that I was in the movie Hangover but it was different from yours. But, a single 25 year old dude wanting to party in Vegas to celebrate the big 2-5 with their dudes. I just personally think its less about the pool and the food and more about the party. I have had more than a handful of guy friends go to Vegas over the years, and they never once mentioned laying at a pool. They did talk a lot about the strippers the drinking though. Anyway, I think this girl has been berated enough for her concerns about her BF.
Vegas isn't a place for a pregnant woman. You can't drink and all you do is walk around casinos with smoking sections or walk on the strip which smells absolutely disgusting, either way it is exhausting when you are not pregnant, so I understand why you wouldn't want to go.
As far as him saying that he is going, he is probably freaking out about his life, being a dad, possibly proposing, (no idea where your relationship is with this) but either way it is a lot for him to handle, as lame as that sounds.
But....since it is a vacation you could not enjoy because you are pregnant, I think he shouldn't go. Why should he get to do whatever the heck he wants because YOU are the pregnant one, not him.
My husband has volunteered to give up things that he would like to do because he knows I can't do them. It is called consideration.
Ditto.
You have several reasons for not wanting him to go (financial, trust issues, it's inappropriate and will be perceived badly ect.) but it sounds like the MAIN issue is trust. Now, I don't know your complete circumstances and there are two sides to every story so I'm not going to sit here and tell you to get therapy without knowing you.
I would find it inappropriate if either one of us went on a girls or guys weekend to Vegas at this point in our lives....yes, lounging by the pool, having drinks, eating at some fabulous restaurants is one aspect of Vegas but there is also the gambling and strippers (or thunder from down under for the girls). It goes both ways and perhaps that's a way to approach it with him? I'm betting he wouldn't feel too comfortable if the circumstances were reversed:)
On to trust....yes, you need to work on that with him. Especially before the baby is born. It was a red flag to every poster that responded to you (hence the get therapy suggestion). The only way to build trust is by giving people the opportunity to show that they can be trust worthy and this takes time and patience to work through. Please discuss this with him sooner rather than later.
I totally agree with bubbalub. Uh yeah, of course it's about the party when you go to Vegas, guy or girl. A guy is going to want to drink, gamble, have a good time. They aren't lotioning their buddies up next to the pool drinking pina coladas... When do guys not talk about chicks, if it's not in the garage when they are drinking it's anywhere else. I would also fail to believe that you would never talk about another guy, flirt with one to get something you want or, want to get away. Both OP and you are living in a fantasy world if you think that you can change and warp the man you are with to do your bidding.
Is it really cost prohibitive for you? That would be my only reasoning for advocating he not go. If you could make your savings goals and have him take the trip, then he should go.
Ditto. If its financial (and I mean only between you and your BF, your parents and his parents really shouldn't have anything to do with it, ESP since you're trying to be "mature & responsible" about it) then a serious discussion needs to be had & he needs to see what a burden that puts on you guys financially.
As far as it being immature and irresponsible for him to go, thats BS to me. Either you trust him to make the right decisions when you aren't around or you don't. If you don't there are bigger issues at work here. If you do then it shouldn't matter I he wants o go to Vegas, Hawaii, Istanbul or the grocery store. Your OP did make it sound like you don't trust him to make the right decision without your influence (as did your clarification where you said all men will do what they can get away with). If this really how you feel about him I'd say Vegas is the least of the things you should be worried about.
All of this and the bolded especially. I do not know if this was a planned pregnancy or a surprise, but I would assume that if you planned it you would have thought to put all your financial means in order first. If it's a surprise then you should both be doing as much as you can as a couple to do what you need to do to make sure your family is taken care of, not having to rely on other people. If your only concern as far as being worried what the parents would think if he went to Vegas and whether or not they would still help you, than you have bigger issues than you are seeing. That's awfully selfish IMO.
I completely agree with the trust issue though, your OP totally sounded like you have trust issues with your BF. These need to be taken care of. You can't just expect someone to "grow up" if they aren't ready to.
I just want to throw in there that you absolutely can have a good time in Vegas while pregnant. We typically go at least once a year, and last year went three times. I've gone as pregnant as 30 weeks and with a newborn. There is so much to see and do, relaxing to enjoy and pampering to have.
It is about finding the fun though. You don't have to go to the casinos, clubs or drinking. You can go under the casinos and do shopping or window browsing, a romantic gondola ride before the party, sit poolside drinking smoothies and icees. You would be surprised by how many family friendly activities there are.
BFP#1 Kaitlyn 11-17-04
BFP #2 Matthew pPROM 23w5d 06-03-07, b/33 weeks 8-6-07, d/10-15-07 SIDS,
BFP #3 m/c 8 weeks 2/20/09, BFP #4 m/c no hb 6w4d, m/c 9w4d, D&C 11w2d, BFP #5 C/P 12/18/09 after BFP- 9dpo
BFP #6 Samantha- 11-9-10
BFP #7 4/20/12 21 DPO beta: 2382 29 DPO beta: 23000! HB 6w2d 116 bpm due Christmas day!
This Momma's Journey
~Today I am pregnant and I love my baby~
I didn't read all the comments, so this has probably been said, but here is what I think:
If it is TRULY a financial burden (IE, the only way to pay for it is to charge the flights/hotel/drinks/dinners) then he should not go. End of story.
If it's more like "we have the money but it could be better spent", then you should let him go. Yes, it could be better spent, but this is going to be his last trip I'm sure. Once the baby comes, he's not going to get to go to the bar letalone Vegas. He deserves to have a few more days as someone who doesn't have the responsibilty of a baby. You deserve it too, so do something fun for yourself as well.
You clearly don't trust him. Is there a reason for that? If not, get over it. If so, discuss it with him.
You are adults and shouldn't care what your parents think. Are they going to not support you or their grandchild (I assume you mean emotionally?) because he went to Vegas? I hope not. That's pathetic and controlling. If you need them to support you financially, the trip should be called off.
In the end, nobody can tell you how to feel. You need to sit down and have an adult conversation and tell him how you feel, but you also have to listen to him.
This. The shopping, food, shows, and other sights in Vegas are best enjoyed sober. Plus I love just lounging by the pool or treating myself to a spa treatment.
Bottom line, though, is what all the other PPs have said. If it's truly about money, then no he shouldn't go. But if you don't trust him to go to Vegas then there are some issues in your relationship. If a person is going to cheat, they're going to cheat regardless of the place. I've went to Vegas on several girls only trips, as well as other places, and MH has went on many trips with just the boys. If you think your bf is going to be out dry humping everything in sight just because you're not around, then you really need to re-examine your relationship. I trust MH completely, as he does me, because we have a committment to each other and our family that is the most important thing in our lives. I certainly don't expect him to give up all fun in his life or have me shackled to him 24/7. Ugh. That sounds like my personal hell, actually.
DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015
ABOUT THE TRUST ISSUE: I trust my boyfriend not to cheat, but I also have beliefs on what is appropriate for a dad to do. If you don't agree, that is fine. Not that I owe anyone anyone an explanation, but I do want to defend what I am going through. My boyfriend's friends are very immature, single, and have two things on their mind: partying and girls. Some of them have children but in my opinion, do not act like fathers, and that is not the type of relationship I want for myself or family I want for my baby. My boyfriend gets to hang out with friends and do whatever he wants on a day-to-day basis. I do not stop him from being himself or having the life he wants, but we made the decision to have this baby, knowing our lives would have to change in some aspects. Down the road, he has my full support to go on trips with his friends and spend his time and money that way, but for now, I don't think it is appropriate. It isn't about trust, so I would appreciate everyone laying off on that
ABOUT OUR PARENTS' HELP: My boyfriend is establishing his career and supporting the two of us on his income while I am in graduate school. It is very easy for everyone who may be married or in a different position than us to say that I shouldn't care what our parents think. But the fact of the matter is that our families are extremely close and involved in our lives. His parents had planned on giving us a house and helping us pick up the financial holes that need to be filled. I am grateful for their and my parents' help, but I also know that it is both of their beliefs that they will not help us if we aren't helping ourselves (me finishing graduate school/establishing my career, us saving money for the baby, and us not spending money on trips). Plain and simple. Our parents want what is best for us and for the baby, and my boyfriend and I want what is best for the baby as well. If that means living a responsible life and accepting their help, then that is my choice. You shouldn't knock me for wanting their gracious support.
ABOUT "A MAN WILL DO WHAT YOU LET HIM GET AWAY WITH": I don't care what type of men you all are with, and if your boyfriend or husband makes responsible decisions on his own everyday, then congratulations. I am being honest with myself and everyone else in saying, my boyfriend is not always responsible or mature. I know that I do not always have the right answers, but there are many times that my boyfriend doesn't always know what's best for him or for our family. At times, it takes the two of us having discussions and me bringing things to his attention for him to make good decisions. So, you can judge him for not being as mature as some other 25-year-old men, and you can judge me for "acting like his mom" or "telling him what to do," The fact of the matter is that we are in love, established in this 12 year relationship, and it may not be perfect, but this is what works for us. This is about him making the best choices for our family, not about cheating.
***Some of you have given me support and understanding, and I want to thank those people for the advice and lack of judgment. To those who are more focused on my "immaturity" or "issues," we are all going to be mothers, so let's start practicing the motto, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything." Most of these comments have hurt my feelings and made me upset when I came to this board for support.
***For the record, I have shared the concerns I have, which were expressed in my original post, with my close friends and family (my mother included). Each one of them agrees 100% with my beliefs on what is right for our relationship and our family. So I am led to believe that many of you are making assumptions on what kind of relationship I am in, but I am resting assured that those who know the situation best are supporting me.
Yikes.
First of all. You came to this board asking for help/advice. Maybe you need to re-read your original post, because you didn't go into any of these details originally. None of us know you, so you're correct...we were making assumptions based on what you ORIGINALLY told us. I'm sorry that nobody told you what you wanted to hear...that is, you're 100% correct and that your BF is not being fair in wanting to go on this trip. You should have prefaced your story with something like "Do not bother to comment on this unless you agree with me, or I'll get offended". You didn't do that though, so we gave you our opinions (which to be fair, is what you asked for). If you already spoke to family and close friends regarding this, and they are all backing you up, why did you bring it to a board full of strangers? I guess I'm just confused.
As PP said, you really should have prefaced your original post (and future posts, I'm guessing) with a disclaimer that, should anyone not support your already-made-up-mind, you'll throw a fit.
I only know what you put out there. I'm not psychic nor a mind-reader, so if you don't put all the facts in your post, then you can't expect me to comment on them or take them into account.
Two things that have jumped out at me since my first comment:
1) You repeatedly say (paraphrasing ahead) "this is not how I expect a father to behave." Fathers are still men, just like mothers are still women. Parents deserve to have friends and do things on their own, imo. If my husband tried to tell me that I couldn't take a trip wherever because I'm a mom now, oh lord. I'm not sure why you have so little faith in your BF that you immediately conclude that a trip to Vegas = cheating/misbehavior.
2) In your last post you said, quote, "I have shared the concerns I have... with my close friends and family (my mother included)." It's a tough lesson, but you have to learn that, in a marriage, only 2 people's opinions are valid: the people in that marriage. I think your relationship could do with that advice, honestly. It doesn't matter what others think (those of us "mean" girls here, included). The only two people who should be weighing in on this is you and your BF. Period.
All of this. If you want to be such an adult about it, you need to learn to deal with issues with your BF without running to other people. Your are dating/having a child with your BF, not your parents, his parents and everyone else. It's fine to need to "vent" to other people about stuff, but don't run everything little thing you do off of other people and base your decisions on that.