I could use a bit of advice

MoonlitPlumeria

Ok so I know that I brought this upon myself but now I need some advice on how to fix it!

My daughter has never really had the best of sleeping habits. When she was 5 months, we temporarily moved to Hawaii for 2 months and were living in a hotel. So I took to rocking her until she was fully asleep to spare the pilots and flight attendants that somehow always ended up checked in around us. I created a monster. We've been essentially rocking her to complete sleep ever since. My sister was over visiting and called me on it and said that I was doing her a disservice. So I made the decision last week to start trying to sleep train her. 

The first night went ok. The next day at nap time, we had some difficulties. Then everything fell apart that night. Now she fights sleep until she is truly exhausted and passes out. And to make matters worse, it seems to have triggered some sort of fear of abandonment issues. She cries anytime she can't see me unless truly distracted, usually by cheerios or puffs. Even a bottle isn't enough and if she sees that I've stepped away, she cries and stands up and follows me all while drinking her bottle. Even when my husband is in the room, she still cries when I step away. She follows me everywhere now! I'm at my wits end. 

I should add that every week, my husband flies out on monday mornings to a customer site and comes home on thursday nights. This probably adds to the abandonment issue but I can't seem to make headway on fixing it. I thought I was making progress yesterday but I was really wrong. Any ideas?

Webbie3

We used the Sleep Lady Shuffle when DD was about 15 months.  It worked so well.  Basically, you just gradually move further and further away from LO as they learn how to go to sleep on their own.  I'm sure google could get you more details about it.

FemShep

By using cereal/bottles/puffs, you're replacing one crutch (you), with other ones.  Your goal should be for your daughter to fall asleep by herself, with no other distractions.

There are lots of things you can do to help her establish good sleep habits, but it won't happen overnight and it will be hard on both of you.  Check out "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child", the Baby Whisperer, and "No Cry Sleep Solution" for ideas.

No matter what plan you try, keep in mind the following:

You should put your child to sleep when they are starting to get sleepy, not when they're exhausted.

A consistent bed time routine is the best way to signal to your daughter that it's time to get some sleep.  Baths, bedtime stories, lullabies, and massage are all good things to incorporate into bedtime.

Any time you replace one comfort item (you rocking her) with another, you're trading short term gain for long term pain.  I know it's tough-DD was a terrible sleeper-but it's best to build good habits for the long term.  I speak from painful experience!

 Good luck! 

ilovemygirls

The best thing for you all is that no matter what you decide- just stick with it & be consistent.  If you waffle back & forth, it will make it all 10x worse.  I had to sleep train my oldest as she was a terrible sleeper. The process totally sucked- it was so hard. BUT I would never change what I did, because after that she became a great sleeper and our whole household needed that after a year of no-sleeping he!!. 

Whenever my kids had separation issues- for whatever reason- I always just tried to be very calm & consistent.  Talk to her constantly when you have to step out, reassuring you'll be back.  Don't make a huge deal of coming or going- that will make it worse.  

Honestly, if you know you want/need to resolve these issues you have to stick through this period.  It is hard, but worth it IMO. 

MoonlitPlumeria

FemShep:

By using cereal/bottles/puffs, you're replacing one crutch (you), with other ones.  Your goal should be for your daughter to fall asleep by herself, with no other distractions.

There are lots of things you can do to help her establish good sleep habits, but it won't happen overnight and it will be hard on both of you.  Check out "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child", the Baby Whisperer, and "No Cry Sleep Solution" for ideas.

No matter what plan you try, keep in mind the following:

You should put your child to sleep when they are starting to get sleepy, not when they're exhausted.

A consistent bed time routine is the best way to signal to your daughter that it's time to get some sleep.  Baths, bedtime stories, lullabies, and massage are all good things to incorporate into bedtime.

Any time you replace one comfort item (you rocking her) with another, you're trading short term gain for long term pain.  I know it's tough-DD was a terrible sleeper-but it's best to build good habits for the long term.  I speak from painful experience!

 Good luck! 

The bottles and puffs were given to her at snack time and meal time respectively. I was trying to say that even with it being meal time or snack time, she is still very much aware of when I leave her sights and she will cry and follow me. Less so with snacks as they require that she stay in one place, but she can bring the bottle anywhere. 

Also, she may be exhausted in the end, but she is just sleepy when we start this long process of putting her down to bed. 

I agree that a bedtime routine is a good way to signal that its time for sleep. The bedtime routine is fine until thursday when we have to drive down to pick my husband up from the airport and it coincides with bedtime.

MoonlitPlumeria

Thank you for the replies. I'll check out the sleep lady shuffle and see if that will work. 

@ilovemygirls You're right about not waffling back and forth. That will only confuse her further.

Eventually we will find a way to wean her off the rocking and get her more independent about sleeping and maybe in general too!

lexusolsen

JadesFire77:

Thank you for the replies. I'll check out the sleep lady shuffle and see if that will work. 

@ilovemygirls You're right about not waffling back and forth. That will only confuse her further.

Eventually we will find a way to wean her off the rocking and get her more independent about sleeping and maybe in general too!

Could you try starting to train her on a Friday night?  That way you have as long as possible to sleep train her before you need to disrupt her schedule.  Good luck!

Ms5586

I know sleep training is trying to rid them of all crutches, but in the meantime, would a transitional object help?  A lovey?  One of your shirts?  A bear you both cuddle with at storytime, then you kiss your daughter and the bear and tuck them in?

jlw2505

The only thing that ever worked for me was very real and hard cry it out.  We also had a very strict bedtime routing - in the beginning that meant the bedtime as well as the actual routine but as they have gotten older, the time is way more flexible but we still have a routine that we follow and it really, really helps.  Basically what we did when the girls were around age 1 (and did it close to before that but they had a bottle then so it was a bit different).  After dinner we either did a bath (every other night or every 3 nights in the winter), if no bath we just started with PJs.  Once into PJ's, DD's would get a sippy cup of milk, we would pick out clothes for the next day and then snuggle and read one or 2 books - lights lowered and soft music on.  After the girls were done with their milk, we would brush teeth (and once potty trained, go potty).  After teeth, we would go into their room and snuggle on the  big chair for another book - no music this time and lights a little lower.  We would read one or 2 books and then tuck the girls into their beds.  We would leave and not come back in for the most part.  I know the girls cries pretty well and if it was the "I won't stop unless I see you" cry, I would go back in, see what the issue was but keep the room dark, not do much talking, etc.  If it was the I just don't want to go to sleep cry, I would ignore it.  To this day, I follow the 3 times rule - I will go into their 3 times for things like a drink of water, tucking in again and after 3 times, I don't go back in.  My girls are pretty great with bedtime.  My younger DD had a harder time with this in the beginning but she never cried for more than 30 mins and after a night or 2 like this, she would not even cry.  I know people who did this and it took hours the 1st night but then get less and less each night and after 3-4 nights, it was no longer an issue.  I found that if I went back in - the whole thing started over.  Also for me, DH always had better luck getting the girls back to bed if they woke in the middle of the night.,

Zenya

I just wanted to give you the complete opposite perspective.  My 3rd is about the same age are yours and is (like my other 2) in a phase where she can't bear to be without me.  It's fine.  I lie with/nurse her to sleep etc. She'll grow out of it like her siblings did.  all in good time and without tears.