Balancing Work, Young Family, Sick/elderly in-laws in another state...

semdkm

I realize this isn't strictly a "working moms" questions, but our working full time certainly complicates things, so I'll appreciate insight from those similarly situated.  Both my husband and I work full-time, don't have a lot of time off, and have young children (one in daycare, one starting kindergarten).  Hence, we have sick time we need to reserve for the kids, on top of the awful school year schedule (is it me or are kids rarely in school due to half days, teacher in service days, delayed openings, early closings, off -because- we- feel -like- it -day, etc. ...please excuse sarcasm but I can't believe how often they WON'T be in school).  Anyway, my in-laws are now older (not very old, but retiree age) and it seems every year at least one of them has a major health scare, surgery, etc.  They are in Florida, we're in Jersey, so it's not an easy drive away. They have no other family down there, not really even close friends, but they insist on staying.  It's their life and we want them to be happy, but it's not really realistic of them, especially as major health issues come up and we can't easily fly down, leaving our jobs and young kids to worry about (and again, limited time off that goes to childcare issues).  While they don't SAY they expect us to fly down every time there is an issue, some of these things have required it (e.g., his father had a massive pulmonary embolism and thankfully lived, but we were expecting the worst, so my  husband had to drop everything and hop on a plane (no notice to work, and I had just had our first child, recovering from c-section and major depression and child just out of nicu, just moved into new home, not yet even unpacked, etc.) and help his mom sort things out.  Of course I wanted him to go and understood, but it was a major hardship.  The following year, his mom had a stroke.  The next year, his Dad needed shoulder surgery and hip replacement.  Now, mother needs knee replacement.  We WANT to be there to help them.  We really don't want them to go through this alone.  But we can't realistically be there, there's no other family that can either, and they don't seem to be facing the reality that while it's nice to have a big home in warm weather, what happens as you age and need more care and family around (even if they would be willing to go into a retirement home, they'll need family around for some things, no?) 

Sorry for the really long post, but how do you handle this?  As I said, it's their life, and it would be one thing if they just didn't care that no one can help them out and are happy to outsource for help, but I get the sense they'd really like more help from family.   

financialdiva

Last year, my MIL spent the entire year in hospital, and then subsequently passed away. It was a very, very rough year for my DH (and I) and she was only 30 minutes away and my SIL was just as helpful/active as DH was (if not more!). I can't imagine what you are going through. I totally understand the dropping everything to be there, b/c for so long it was touch and go and DH would drop everything to go to spend time with his mother. And if he wasn't with his mother, he was working late at his miserable job. *sigh* 2011 was a rough year.

Anyway. I think you need to sit down and discuss with your H about what he thinks is a fair circumstance to travel for. If it's life threatening, obviously he will need to go down there, but knee surgery? To me, not travel worthy. Then, once you get your DH on board, *HE* needs to have the conversation with them about their expectations. He needs to tell them he can't be there for everything and that they will have to hire someone to help them.  If they don't like that answer, then they need to move closer to you. It's not being selfish, he just can't do it all and they need to realize it.

GL to you and your DH.

pugznploons

gah I just lost a big response I wrote, will attempt to re-type  hopefully this is helpful.

I am a social worker on an ortho floor, and the majority of my patients that get hips/knees replaced go home 3-5 days after surgery.  Most are up using a walker and are walking/transferring independently by day 2.  If they aren't, they can go to an acute rehab center or skilled nursing rehab, most insurance covers this (Medicare definitely does if that's what your ILs have).  These kind of elective surgeries are really not the kind of thing family NEEDS to come into town for.  If your ILs are taking care of each other well at home and their home is accessible, then they shouldn't need much help other than the home health nurse and therapists that will come out and work with them for the weeks following surgery. 

I would personally not feel compelled to travel/take off work for an elective surgery unless there was a real risk of complications (in which cases most surgeons won't do an elective surgery).  I'd save the travel for emergencies, things like the PE and the stroke.  

You can always get put on the contact/spokesperson list for them at the hospital and speak to their social worker to help ensure a good discharge plan is in place.  I often talk to kids/family members from out of town to reassure them or help them aid their family member in choosing a good rehab facility, even if they aren't in town to tour it.  Some patients tour facilities before their surgery and come in and tell me exactly where they want to go, which is awesome  A lot can be done to support and prepare for an elective surgery in advance and from a distance.