Husband refuses childbirth classes
My clinic pays for their patients to attend a childbirth class at the local hospital. I'm pregnant with my first child, and nervous about giving birth, so I signed up quickly.
The class description says, "This 3 hour (2 sessions) class is designed to help you and your partner prepare for the birth of your child. The class fosters positive beliefs and attitudes by providing accurate, useful and up-to-date information about labor and the birth process. Information is provided about a variety of tools for pain management including relaxation, breathing, comfort measures and labor support skills for the labor support companion. The class also includes information about complications, pain medications, medical interventions and cesarean birth. Information about care of the mother and baby immediately after birth is included. Fathers/birth partners will learn the skills and techniques to stay confident in their role. Please bring a pillow and wear comfortable clothing."
I told my husband about the class when I first signed up, and also put it on the calendar. Now that the class is 10 days away, he's refusing to go. I don't know what to do or say to communicate how important this is to me.
I told him, "There is no one in the world I want to be in that delivery room besides you, so it would be pointless for anyone else to come and learn how to help me relax, be comfortable, and deal with this whole experience that I have absolutely no knowledge about. There is no one else that I want helping me choose a birth plan, medications, treatments. There is no one else I want doing the partner relaxation exercises with me. There is no one else I want massaging me or helping comfort me. There is no one else I want for this job but my husband, my partner. I am really hurt and upset about this, especially that you expect some sort of bribe or compensation for it. I think you're being selfish and unfair. I even told you that you didn't have to go to any other classes, as long as you don't out me by making me go to the childbirth class (a class for partners) alone. Childbirth classes are about teamwork, and I won't have a partner. There is no one in the world I want to take besides you, and it's not like I live near family or anything to try to come up with a replacement even if I wanted one. Not only do I feel completely alone, I feel hurt that you don't care that you're making me alone. This is a very big deal to me."
He simply responds, "boo *** hoo! I dont have to go to a class, NO NO NO aint going to happen. your not going to boss me around or bully me into anything. I am a person, an adult, I will not be bullied by you and let you feel like a victem."
He doesn't work and has no other time commitments; he would just be at home relaxing. It's breaking my heart that he's reacting like this. I love him and I really need his support. Any advice to help him see this...?
Re: Husband refuses childbirth classes
umm he sounds like an emotionally abusive douchebag. Is he even excited you are having a child together?
I mean...if you are married to a jerk I don't think you can really expect him to change all of the sudden. But I would be tempted to say "you don't come to the class, you don't come to the birth." However it sounds like an ultimatum isn't really going to work...
I don't know how to reason with douchebags, I'm sorry you are married to this guy.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
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Wow. Something else is seriously going on here. His reaction to you was completely disrespectful, condescending, offensive and downright mean. This isn't like you're asking him to attend a scrapbooking class because you think it would be fun to scrapbook with him. This is HIS CHILD TOO, and he has responsibilities as a father. Part of those responsibilities include working with his child's mother to provide the best care for that child -- and that starts during pregnancy, and childbirth, as well as beyond.
Has he given any further explanation as to why he refuses to attend?Is he refusing to attend the birth as well? Is he freaking out about becoming a father in other ways? Was the pregnancy possibly unexpected (or he felt "bullied" by you to have a child, but secretly -- or not so secretly -- he wasn't ready)?
Does he normally treat you this way? Does he normally refuse to communicate, compromise and respect your wishes? If so, that is not going to get any better when the baby is here. What's going to happen when he "refuses" to be "bullied" into changing diapers, or watching the baby, or getting up in the middle of the night to feed/burp/change/etc., or helping out with caring for the child in other necessary ways?
I think what you told him sounds great -- if you have a husband that generally respects you and your needs/feelings. But you're going to need to get firmer with him. I'd actually strongly recommend getting marriage counseling to help you guys learn how to communicate better, and to help him learn to start being an adult instead of a bratty, rebellious teenager in an adult's body. You're not his mom. You're not a "bully". He's, quite frankly, being an insensitive a$$, and a deadweight dad.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
I hate to second this, but I do. Is this reaction a surprise to you? Because if it is, you guys need to have some serious conversations about what the heck is the matter with him. If you aren't surprised, than I have to wonder about the future of your marriage. I don't know you or him, but wow, was that a cruel, insensitive, heartless and borderline abusive thing to say to you. You guys will need some serious marriage counseling or something.
You need to talk to your OB about the conversation you had with your "partner". She may be able to help you with some counseling and/or parenting classes that you may be comfortable doing alone. In the meantime, no matter how you may feel about needing "him and only him" in the delivery room, please reconsider. He doesn't sound like he is supportive of you at all, and you will need someone on your side. Do you have a girlfriend you can "hire" as a coach? Would you consider hiring a doula? You say your parents live far away, but are you close enough to them that your mom or sister or cousin or aunt or someone could support you at this time?
Good luck to you.
I'm sorry your husband is being like that. I know mine didn't necessarly want to go, but he knew I really wanted him there, and I think he ended up learning some stuff.
Is there anybody else, mother/sister/friend, that you could take instead? I know that is not ideal but maybe if he hears he is being "replaced" he will want to go to be involved.
wow...looks like you married a loser.
good luck with that
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I remember from your post on the blended families board that he has two other children- he may feel like he already knows what is going to happen in L&D, but that is still no excuse whatsoever for him to have responded to you the way that he did. I echo others questions- what is your relationship normally like, was this a welcomed pregnancy, is he normally so dismissive of your feelings and verbally abusive?
I agree that you should make arrangements to have someone else in the birthing room, so that you feel supported and at ease during that important time. I was with my ex-h when I had my dc 8 years ago, and we were going through trouble. I had him only in the birthing room, because that was how he wanted it and I was trying so hard to make it work. To this day I so regret not having someone else with me in the birthing room. You don't want to feel that way- the regret will stay with you forever.
Mine didn't really want to go. It started a fight actually. Mine is an EMT, and long story short, he took a 2 yr paramedic program and then didn't pass the certification exam. This left him with major insecurity when it comes to him overreacting and thinking people don't trust his medical knowledge, including me. He gets pissed everytime I ask my doctor a question instead of him. It's ridiculous. Obviously my doctor is more knowledgable about pregnancy than an ambulance driver! Anyways, I'm getting off topic...
The fight ended when I told him I needed him there for me- not for him to learn what they had to teach. I didn't want to be the only mom there without a spouse. People are judgemental, and even if I didn't care what they think, I thought he should be there for me, plus he could pay attention and help me remember things that I know I'll forget when the time comes. And he could help me understand the medical stuff that might be over my head... so I flattered him until he agreed, pretty much.
I understand why this is important to you. Try again with your H once he's cooled down- he must be feeling bullied for some other reason so back off, wait a bit, and try again with a different approach.
This is just a shot in the dark but it sounds like he's going thru a tough time with being out of work. A man's #1 need in marriage is respect and I think if you slow it down and really find out what's going on in his head, you may see that somehow you just signing the two of you up for the class and not discussing it with him first may have been interpreted as being disrespectful. Maybe assuming that because he's not working, he has nothing else better to do but wait for you to plan his days.
Not sure, just something for you to think about. It's easy to jump to the conclusion that he's a douchbag, etc....but sit him down and ask him how HE is feeling about this whole thing. Just a thought. GL
This. Does he normally talk to you/treat you that way? It sounds like there are deeper issues here. I think counseling would be a good idea, but if he won't go to a birthing class he probably won't go to counseling either. Either way you should go on your own.
I signed my husband and I up for a 7 week course (2 hours each) and he has a big exam in June. He's willing to spend his limited free time doing this with me because it's important.
You're husband is being a bit of a baby - it's only two classes. It's a few hours of his life. Tell him you'll take him out for pizza and ice cream after, lol.
Seriously, I would talk to him calmly and remind him how important it is to you that he attend because you want him to understand what you are going through. I hope he comes around.
Then came a miscarriage March '11
Then came a baby in the baby carriage May 16, 12
Waiting on our second little peanut!
All I have to say is. "eewwww'! What a jerk...Such a turn off. He's a selfish brat!
I know you don't want to go to the classes without him, but I would do it anyway and take someone that can support you. At least you can benefit rather than not going all together.
I'd like to say several abusive things about your husband, but I think several others have already said it better than I would, and it wouldn't be productive. Sorry you're in this situation...
Just wanted to second what others are saying about having someone else at birth. There's a strong body of evidence out there about how important it is to have someone who is loving and supportive during the labor process. If you don't feel safe/positive/etc,etc,etc with the person who is your coach/birth partner, its just going to cause you more stress at a time when you're already uncomfortable & under pressure. His negative, unsupportive comments make it seem like there's going to be higher stress for you during labor - and higher stress could make your labor more uncomfortable than it needs to be.
Is there someone out there you can turn to for support, who can go with you to the classes, and be there with you for labor?
Your husband is a being a complete ass$%#@. Although I suspect this i not new behaviour and that he is just an ass in general.
Like pp, I want to know more about how he contributes to the household? Is he excited about this baby? How does he view his role in the delivery room?
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I have to second this. He sounds like a completely douchebag. I don't think any amount of counseling will change that. Dump his loser ass.
What an awful situation. I feel terrible for you. He shouldn't be treating you this way. My husband and I are arguing about a couple of baby related things, but he would never ever talk to me like that and he's excited about the baby and classes.
If your husband doesn't usually treat you or talk to you that way, maybe try and figure out exactly why he so adamantly refuses to go? Maybe he is embarrassed or has some weird expectation of the class that scares him or makes him nervous? Ask him about what he thinks the class will be like and try to calm his nerves.
If this is the way he always talks to you, I would seriously consider your relationship and how he is going to talk to your baby and talk to you in front of your baby and how that is going to affect your babies emotions and relationships as they grow. Good people don't treat the people they love like badly and everyone deserves someone good.
If he still refuses to go, maybe you should look into a doula? I've heard that lots of places have people who are trained to go to the classes and to the birth with the mother to help her and keep her calm, like a partner would usually do. I think, where I live, there are even people who volunteer to do so and cost nothing (maybe they all cost nothing? I'm not sure). She could go to classes with you and be in the delivery room with you and your husband to help you. A friend would also be better than having no one to make you feel secure and comfortable during labor.
Sounds like there is more to his reaction than just not wanting to attend birthing classes. Is he feeling diminished in his role because he is not working? It sounds like it (no justification for the way he treated you, regardless)...
I would try to calmly ask for a more detailed explanation of what he expects to do when you deliver. If he does not want to be part of it or just wants to be there and not assist/ coach you, then I would ask for someone else to come to the classes.
Oh hun. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Does he have a history depression or other mental health issues. Even if he's never been treated for anything I would suggest looking at resources for partners of people with BPD. My husband is most likely on the spectrum. So I can relate to unreasonable accusations of being mean, or controlling. He had a huge crisis during my first pregnancy and we ended up separating for a few months after DD's birth. We are doing so much better now. But he had to see for himself that the grass was not greener on the other side. Does any of this sound familiar?
- Does he have a large fear of rejection? Avoid situations or people he thinks will reject him?
- History of unstable relationships. Did you yourself have a whirlwind relationship where it was love at first sight, but now he's really critical of you.
-Does he tend to see most things and people as all good or all bad? If he is upset does it seem hard for him to remember that he has been happy and satisfied before?
- Does he have addictive or impulsive behaviors?
- Does he have a history of hurting himself, suicide attempts or threats, self injury, breaking stuff when upset?
- Complains of feeling lonely or empty?
- Does he have memory problems? or appear to rewrite the past to agree with his current emotions?
If those questions do hit home. Your best bet is to get into individual counseling for yourself, not marriage counseling. My management tips are, do not ask for anything on the heels of a previous fight or when he is already very stressed. Telling him how much you need his support and want him there is great. Leave out the parts where he is being selfish, people are going to judge you, etc. He's clearly doing quite a bit of projecting by calling you a bully, so he is clearly going to a lot o trouble in his head to protect himself from feelings of being selfish, mean, or inadequate. You pointing that out no matter how true and valid will not get you the result you are looking for. If he is able to calm down and stop being defensive he will likely recognize that he feels that way about himself.