F/U to Correcting DH's discipline in front of kids
RockyMtnMama
member
ETA: See below, but I wrote down a list of his comments in a 2-hour period the other night when he was frustrated and trying to get the kids to help around the house and get ready for bed and it sort-of worked.
Thanks for letting me vent.
-------------------------------------------
So I posted this before: https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/65417641.aspx.
I know things can't change overnight, but I'm very frustrated and needed to vent.
I talked with DH about the idle threats and getting back to counting and reward system (in the past a modified 1-2-3, Magic and Love-and-Logic type discipline has worked well for DH and I together). He agreed that it had worked in the past, but it was too hard to keep up the reward system now and so he'd "let me do that part." I told him that we could revise it, but honestly, neither one of us did that yet.
When I asked that he not continue with threats, his body language was obviously annoyed and he mentioned that "Dad's are always more fun and more strict than moms." I didn't agree with that and told him that we needed to both work on being on the same page with discipline. I agreed to not redirect/step-in when he is disciplining the kids and he agreed to stop the threats.
So fast forward a few days and the threats keep coming. It sounds terrible when I write it out, but he also did give the boys positive comments and did a lot of dad/boy activities that were focused on positive fun with the kids (frisbee in the back, good soccer-dad comments, bike rides/walks with the kids, etc.). But here are just a few examples of that many that I heard this weekend that bugged me:
"...put on your shoes or I'll make you wear flip flops to soccer."
"Whining won't get us out the door, it will just get you left behind in the basement."
"Put your bike away or I'll give it to the neighbor kids."
"Don't splash or I'll ban you from baths for a month."
Seriously, I wish I could record him for one day to show him how much he threatens instead of disciplining. He sounds like a total curmudgeon. And it's mostly to our 5 year old b/c he is the tough one right now...our 3 year old helps with cooking, cleaning, and is really pretty easy. DH has usually already given a command like, "Don't splash", but then when it happens again, why can't DH just say, "Don't splash or you'll have to get out and clean it up." At least that is a threat he could follow through with.
Any creative ideas to get through to DH since the side-bar talks and after-kids-are-in-bed discussions aren't setting in yet?
Can I make DH put a quarter into a jar everytime he threatens something he can't carry through to show him how much it happens and for fun money for me (just kidding). 
...baby #3 is here...
Re: F/U to Correcting DH's discipline in front of kids
Here's the thing- does he MEAN the threats? As in, would he really give the bike away? Would he really not give them a bath for month?
If not, then all he is doing is making things harder for himself - your kids are learning "daddy doesn't mean what he says". So while he thinks he's being stricter, he's actually NOT.
Could you get him to see that?
Also, w/ something like splashing - what about redirecting? Getting a kid to not splash in the tub at all is insane, to be honest! But I tell DS he can splash in any of the 3 directions where the walls are. He shouldn't splash out the side that is open.
Clearly this isn't 100% foolproof - but by and large, he directs most of his splashing towards the corners of the tub where most of the water stays in the tub.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If it were me and he continued making ridiculous threats after I had talked to him about it, I would make him actually follow through with what he says. He says, "Don't splash or I'll ban you from baths for a month" and the kid splashes again, well then dad gets to supervise the showers for the rest of the month since kid is banned from baths. Or if the bike doesnt get put away, gently remind your husband "I guess this means you are giving it to the neighbor, right? Why don't you take it over there now."
Yeah, it will be painful to follow through with it, but that's the point.
We just started doing the marbles in the jar thing for discipline and behavior. So now most things are "If you take a shower without complaining, you get a marble" (yay, positive) or "If you don't stop splashing, I'm going to take a marble away" (boo, negative, but at least not over the top and ridiculous). It helps that we have something to immediately go to that works a lot more than idle threats or consequences that don't always make sense. Plus, it's easy.
Do you think your DH would go for something like that? As far as discipline systems go, it's been very simple for us. DS just filled up his jar (took about two weeks), and we're going to the store tonight for him to get a new Beyblade. He also has the option of using it do fun things like buy ice cream at school or go to the movies. As a plus, it has helped with the gimmees because now when he asks for something, I tell him that he can use it as his reward when his jar is filled up. He doesn't get an allowance, so it's been more practical than telling him he has to wait for his birthday ... when it's six months away.
As far as implementing it, I just started doing it and "told" DH that this is what we're doing from now on. He thought it was kind of silly, but got on board pretty quickly when he saw that DS responds to it.
ditto all of this
This would be my approach as well. If my H was to be this way after talking and making up a plan, I'd definitely make sure he went through with his comments because I wouldn't want my LO to think his father was lying to him. LO will just grow up to not believe anything his father says.
He doesn't sound stricter, he just sounds like a bit of a j jerk who is teaching the kids to ignore his bluster.
If he doesn't realize that, I don't know how you can convince him.
And to add to your question about whether you should 'correct' or 're-direct' the kids after he threatens them - No, you shouldn't.
The thing is, if your DH's parenting style doesn't really work or takes longer than your style - tough luck, then he's got a bigger battle than you. It's going to take him longer to get the kids to pick-up their toys and its going to be a much bigger struggle than your "let's earn points" way. But that doesn't mean you have to step-in, just becuase you are more effective. Let him do it his way, whether it works or not. Later, talk about what works and what doesn't. You don't have to "model" good parenting all the time - especially when it contridicts him in front of the kids. And I'd really stop doing it if you've been trying this "modeling" for 2 years and he hasn't caught-on.
If you do feel compelled to inject yourself into the situation, start with something like "Kids, you heard your dad. He said to pick-up all of your toys, so you have to pick-up all of your toys. I'm setting the timer for 5 minutes, let's see how much you can pick-up and if you earn or loss fun points. Your dad wants this place clean!" Skip the bit where you walk over and say something like "No, honey. That's an empty threat, it won't work. Hey boys, let's do this my way."
If I step-in after my DH struggles, I always make it seem like I am backing-up what he told her to do. Not interfering or playing referee between them. He does, too. It's a small adjustment but we both feel supported.
I edited up above, but I actually wrote down his comments from a 2 hour period the other night and when he read them, he was pissed I did that at first. He sort of gave me a snide comment like, "Oh, you're the best parent, what about when you got pissed about putting on shoes this morning?" I ignored and it sucked to hear, but I admit I lost it when I was asking 100+ times for my kid to get shoes on to get out the door to school. However, the next day I noticed that he started using "fun points" and staying more calm without me actually having to discuss anything with him.
It might not last for long, but if he has better interactions with the kids using a calmer, less threatening method, I hope it becomes more of the norm.
...baby #3 is here...