follow-up to JMay's "What will you do if..." post

mrs25

Does anyone have friends/family that they know that are happily living with one child?  What are the positives and negatives you see in their lives? 

I work closely with 2 women who seem content with the one they've been given. They each have girls (ages 7, 11).  The sun rises and sets in their daughters' eyes.  They laugh together and go on vacation together and cart them to and from various ballet, cheer, and dance classes.  One woman, whose daughter is almost 12, seems to have plenty of money, since she only has one child, so they go on lots of vacations together and she is able to buy her daughter very nice clothes.  One of the women has a daughter adopted from China and they can't even afford to adopt another, but I believe she's truly content.  They stay very busy with one child. 

I know they both wish they could have more children, but they can't.  I think they will always wish they could have had more, so there may be a small void that may always be felt a little, but I think they are at peace with it.  I don't think the fact keeps them up at night. 

Sometimes this keeps me going....

notkateanymore

I'm pretty happy with my one. She's pretty great and I really would be content if we never had another. There are definite pluses with an only. We can travel anywhere for much cheaper, she can do the only child sports {like riding!}, I can be really involved with her school but not feel overwhelmed and still have me time. We're giving this the old college try, but if I'm not pg by December, I'm done and we're done. I'd rather be happy with what I have instead of always wanting something that seems like it isn't going to happen.

amyfelice

I am so so thankful for my healthy daughter (knock wood). I can't imagine having none, that would be a lot worse, so I do feel for those women tremendously. I feel God has given me a miraculous gift in my DD and to ask for more than that is really almost to me, obnoxious, but as they say, it can't hurt to ask. I will always be so thrilled to have a child and only sad that she will not have a sibling to share her life with.

However, I look to the bright side often, more money to spend on her education or vacations, more time to spend with her, and less work for me. Sure I would like another but I am so eternally grateful for what I do have that I feel like it would be icing on the cake for me. I want another, but I am happy without it.  

mrs25

Good points, ladies.  And I certainly didn't post this to say we should just be grateful for what we have...I'm definitely not where my friends are with my one.  And to be honest, sometimes I wonder if they just never wanted a second child as badly as I do right now.  Those who have replied, are your desires for a second child as strong as it's ever been?

beachy6

I am very happy with my DS and happy we can go places, purchase things, etc that I may/may not be able to do with more. However, for me, having more is because I need DS to have someone when DH and I are old/gone. DH and I both have one sibling each. Neither of them are married and neither of them have children. DS is the only grandchild on both sides. My extended family is very, very close, but we live 2 hours away from them. DH's extended family never gets together for anything ever. So, I fear that DS will be all alone (as far as blood relatives) are concerned when DH and I are gone. That makes me a little sad for him. That's why I can't stop. I won't stop until my uterus rots or I am too old to keep trying. Maybe I'm a little crazy though!

amyfelice

Well I have a sibling but we are not at all close, and I have no first cousins or any real family to speak of other than my parents. So for me, my best friends have become my family, and we are very close. I would like a sib for my daughter but i also know you can create family if you value your friends. 

Do I really want another? Yes but probably not as badly as some others do.  

JMay

I really hate to say this, but (a small) part of the reason I want more than one is because of the "onlies" I've seen in my life:

- neighbor girl was miserable to play with because she always got her way. Her mother b!tched to anyone who would listen about how horrible pregnancy, birth and motherhood was.  That girl is now living on the other side of the country and never visits her miserable parents. Nice.

- Family friend chose to only have 1 because she knew she'd have to work to support her alcoholic husband. Husband eventually drank himself to death. Mom and daughter still sleep in the same bed and mom makes DDs lunch every day, in spite of the fact that she's 25. She never dated and never will - she's completely enmeshed with her mother.  They have a ton of fun and lots of friends, but the poor daughter will having nothing once mom dies.

- My former boss was a wonderful woman. Very dedicated to her job because her DD is pretty self sufficient.  She has nothing else to do but work.  Very close emotionally with her DD, but it's sad to me that work comsumes her life because there are no other children to care for.  From the moment I met her I said "I never want to be like that".  Work is a meaningless way to make money (and we worked in the nonprofit sector!) Children, if raised within the range of "well", have the potential to make a real difference in the world. 

Sorry to be so negative in my reply, I just have some very negative views of life with only one child.  I really don't see any positives in the lives of those who have ony one - I see gaping holes.  Maybe I'm just projecting, but I know my first example didn't want any children, and the last two examples desperately wanted more but couldn't.  Having an only seems so sad and empty to me as an outsider (insider now). Maybe its because I don't know anyone who "chose" to have an only in a positive way.  I can't imagine that being able to placate myself with travel and increased financial security would somehow make having only one "okay".  I'd be lying to myself.  It may be my reality but it is not and never will be "ok" that I only have one.

JMay

P.S. I hope my post does not insult anyone here - that was not my intent.  I'm just expressing my views and how it seems/feels for me, not that it's the same for everyone.  I think that if any person is content having one, that is awesome!  I just haven't known those people in my life, and I am not blessed with the same feelings.  I just don't want anyone to think I'm not open to the idea of others being happy with one! 

notkateanymore

Another thing that makes me OK with having one is that I'm an only. I loved it! It's a little lonely now, but not really. I married a man with siblings and they're not THAT great, so I don't feel like I was missing anything. And no, I don't sleep in the same bed as my mom...she drives me nuts. 

OP--Yes, my want for a 2nd child is as strong as it's ever been or will be probably, but I'm just never going to let it consume me, because I don't think it's fair to DD. She needs a mom that is happy and fun and content with life. So, if it happens, it happens.  

Hnysckl426

I do know people that have only children or were only children themselves and have completely content lives......I think sometimes this keeps me going and reminds me it isn't the end of the world if we don't have another.

At one point and time I thought we were one and done.....sometimes I think that now secondary IF is my punishment for that.  DD was a colicky/reflux baby and rarely slept more than an hour or two at a time for the first 3 months of her life (dr never gave us meds until then!).  So after that I wasn't sure I couldn't do it again and one seemed pretty darn easy and content when she was a baby/toddler.  Now that she is older and fairly self sufficient it makes the yearn for another baby even stronger.

One of the reasons I want another one is for DD, I want her to have a sibling to grow up with.  With that said, neither myself nor DH are close with our siblings so at times I wonder why.

I do know that I make a strong effort not to let DD have "only child" syndrome.  But sometimes it is hard with only one to not give them what they want because you can. (weather that be material or otherwise).

I just always thought I would have another shot at it and the second time around would be so much easier.  I think the hardest thing for me is realizing that I may not get that chance.