"Oh, so you weren't really pregnant, then." (Blighted ovum)

kelly321

I'm trying to be pretty open about my miscarriage with friends and family because I firmly believe that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I want people to know why I'm not myself. The responses are very sympathetic, even if people don't really know what to say and I get a few well-intended "maybe it's for the best" or "it must not have been meant to be" comments. I can deal with those. What I'm having a more difficult time with is the 2 or 3 people who, after asking more questions about it and me explaining about the blighted ovum, have said, "Oh, so you weren't really pregnant, then" because an embryo never formed. I try to explain that I was - that everything was just like a healthy pregnancy up until the point where the embryo would grow, and in my case that didn't happen.

Have any of the rest of you run into this comment? Or am I the only one going into detail (I only do it with friends/family who ask)? How do you respond? I find myself getting really defensive and don't know if I should just stop explaining beyond "I had a miscarriage."

ETA: I don't want my first sentence to make it sound like it's bad if you don't tell. It isn't, and I totally understand wanting to keep it between you and your DH or just a few select people! For me, though, I can't not tell.

E&Jhssweethearts

I feel the same as you. This is something that so many women go through but so few talk about. If someone asks I will be honest with them.

I haven't gotten the "you weren't really pregnant comment yet" although we just found out yesterday. But I did have a friend who has been TTC for about 7 months text me (after I had told her) that her period started yesterday morning and that she felt the EXACT same way I did.

I was floored. I know it's hard and disappointing to see AF when you are TTC but I was PREGNANT and now have lost my baby, they aren't the same.

Good luck to you, just do whatever feels right and that you are comfortable with. 

BravoBravo

kelly321:

I'm trying to be pretty open about my miscarriage with friends and family because I firmly believe that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I want people to know why I'm not myself. The responses are very sympathetic, even if people don't really know what to say and I get a few well-intended "maybe it's for the best" or "it must not have been meant to be" comments. I can deal with those. What I'm having a more difficult time with is the 2 or 3 people who, after asking more questions about it and me explaining about the blighted ovum, have said, "Oh, so you weren't really pregnant, then" because an embryo never formed. I try to explain that I was - that everything was just like a healthy pregnancy up until the point where the embryo would grow, and in my case that didn't happen.

Have any of the rest of you run into this comment? Or am I the only one going into detail (I only do it with friends/family who ask)? How do you respond? I find myself getting really defensive and don't know if I should just stop explaining beyond "I had a miscarriage."

ETA: I don't want my first sentence to make it sound like it's bad if you don't tell. It isn't, and I totally understand wanting to keep it between you and your DH or just a few select people! For me, though, I can't not tell.

I could have written parts of this exactly. 

I say if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is a duck.  There was a meeting of egg and sperm, something implanted in my womb, and my body produced pregnancy hormones, I was pregnant.  Until you have an u/s it is not like you knew that it was a blighted ovum or an embryo. Maybe no one is pregnant until they can get an ultrasound to confirm.

Maybe I have I could take legal action against clear blue easy since their digital test said I was pregnant when clearly it should have said blighted ovum!

 

kelly321

BravoBravo:

Maybe I have I could take legal action against clear blue easy since their digital test said I was pregnant when clearly it should have said blighted ovum!

Ha!

I guess it just feels to me like people are implying that it wasn't actually a miscarriage and I have no right to feel sad about it, like I shouldn't get so worked up over a late period or something. I know that's probably not what they mean, they're probably just trying to make me feel better about not having seen a baby with a beating heart only to see it on a later u/s without a heartbeat, but still. This comment just gets me more than the others.

Cantw82bamom

I have not had a miscarriage however I find comments like the ones given to you completely insensitive. A baby is a baby no matter how early in development. It is a loss of a child no matter when it happened. I pray for you guys for healing and the abillity to get through this sad time.

kacelle

Cantw82bamom:

I have not had a miscarriage however I find comments like the ones given to you completely insensitive. A baby is a baby no matter how early in development. It is a loss of a child no matter when it happened. I pray for you guys for healing and the abillity to get through this sad time.

While I agree that a pregnancy loss is a loss no matter what the cause, I don't think you really understand what a blighted ovum is.  And I think it's a bit insensitive that your only 2 posts have been on the loss board when you're currently pregnant and have never experienced a loss.

Kelly, what people have said to you is both ridiculously insensitive and obviously false.  However, I suspect that my recent miscarriage was due to a blighted ovum based on hCG patterns (although I never had an ultrasound), and I struggle to know how to process it because of that (do I refer to the baby I lost or just the pregnancy?).  Maybe other people don't really understand what happens to a pregnancy when there is a blighted ovum and also don't know what to think about it?  And people have bad word vomit when discussing sensitive topics.  Like you said, it's nothing to be ashamed about, but people aren't used to talking about miscarriages and may be searching for some way to make it "okay."

JennyP0222

Ouch. I have not gotten that one. I have had one person who was trying to be helpful say "I know a lot of people would say it is not a big deal but I believe no matter how early you were that it is still a loss." I guess I was thrown by the idea a lot of people would not think it was a big deal. But whatever. Personally, I have not gone into very much detail about my miscarriage with people. They ask how far along I was and I tell them I found out my pregnancy had failed at my 8.5 week appointment. Most do not ask beyond that. I just do not feel like going into the details of how it happens, how I ended up still feeling pregnant for weeks after that, etc. I guess also defensively I have tried to avoid the comment or even the suggestion that I was not really pregnant. So I do not give people the opportunity to draw that conclusion. My family knows the full situation but that is all for me!

kelly321

kacelle:

Kelly, what people have said to you is both ridiculously insensitive and obviously false.  However, I suspect that my recent miscarriage was due to a blighted ovum based on hCG patterns (although I never had an ultrasound), and I struggle to know how to process it because of that (do I refer to the baby I lost or just the pregnancy?).  Maybe other people don't really understand what happens to a pregnancy when there is a blighted ovum and also don't know what to think about it?  And people have bad word vomit when discussing sensitive topics.  Like you said, it's nothing to be ashamed about, but people aren't used to talking about miscarriages and may be searching for some way to make it "okay."

I definitely know what you mean. I can understand why many women with blighted ova say that they're mourning the baby they lost, but I just find it hard to do that since in my mind there was a fertilized, implanted egg that developed into a gestational sac but nothing more. I feel like I'm mourning the pregnancy and the loss of what could have been. I don't think it's wrong to refer to the baby you lost, though, if that's what you feel is right in your heart. If things had developed normally, it would have been a baby. But saying it wasn't a pregnancy? The couple of times that's been said, I've tried to patiently explain it, but inside my blood starts boiling.

Rachaeleigh

Yes! I've had that comment and here's one better: "yeah, so you're body had a fake pregnancy...like a dogs does." That makes me laugh out loud thinking that someone is so socially maladapted that they think that would be ok to say. I don't remember my response bc that was after my 2nd loss about 4 years ago. Wow, people are great.  Brush it off....you have all of us to support you

RickandTricia

E&Jhssweethearts:

I haven't gotten the "you weren't really pregnant comment yet" although we just found out yesterday. But I did have a friend who has been TTC for about 7 months text me (after I had told her) that her period started yesterday morning and that she felt the EXACT same way I did. 

Wow. I can't even believe someone would think that's even remotely the same thing.

I haven't told many people about my blighted ovum, but luckily I still haven't gotten any insensitive comments. I'm not sure how I would be able to handle them.

mhubbar5

I have had the same kind of responses with my chemical pregnancies, and actually even my missed mc. This last time, when i told my sisters my pregnancy test was now neg. they said "oh so you weren't even really pregnant." WTF kinda response is that?  Even after my missed mc ( at 9 weeks ) my husbands family asked me if i was SURE that i was really even pregnant to begin with. People seems to just not have any kind of filter when it comes to talking about losses. They always seem to want to politely put blame on you, like it was your fault. I actually had a co worker tell me i lost my baby because i drank a coke at work once in a while. She said " I tried to tell you you shouldn't have had those cokes." Its insane what people say to you......

kelly321

mhubbar5:

I have had the same kind of responses with my chemical pregnancies, and actually even my missed mc. This last time, when i told my sisters my pregnancy test was now neg. they said "oh so you weren't even really pregnant." WTF kinda response is that?  Even after my missed mc ( at 9 weeks ) my husbands family asked me if i was SURE that i was really even pregnant to begin with. People seems to just not have any kind of filter when it comes to talking about losses. They always seem to want to politely put blame on you, like it was your fault. I actually had a co worker tell me i lost my baby because i drank a coke at work once in a while. She said " I tried to tell you you shouldn't have had those cokes." Its insane what people say to you......

It blows my mind that someone would actually say that. I am so sorry and really hope you were able to put her in her place or laugh it off without letting it get to you. I remember a girl on my bmb saying that after the loss of a previous pregnancy, a co-worker told her that it was her fault because she had been raising her arms above her head to get things down from a high shelf (light things like pens and staples). I thought (hoped) that was just an isolated incident of complete stupidity and insensitivity.