Poll: what has someone said that has actually helped?

Actingdiva09

So we see those threads "what crappy stuff have people said after your loss?" but I'm blogging on Fridays about friends and family, and want to have positive stuff too!

So what are the things that people have said or done that have been great for you through your time of loss?  

jenn0021

I'm going to copy and paste from a message I received from a friend of mine after I told her about my second loss. I loved her words and I loved that she didn't try to make it better than it was. Here it is:

I still feel like it takes everything I have not to show frustration or anger when people try using "its all for the best" or "it will happen when it happens" as a means of comforting me, so I can imagine how you must be feeling this weekend. I found, at times, profanity helps somewhat; so f**k!!!

I truly believe that however and whenever it does happen, you and Dan will make amazing parents, and you truly deserve that opportunity.

ct103

From my OB: "The most important thing for you to know is, this was in NO way your fault."

From my FIL: "I'm so sorry about your bad news!" (He then gives me a big hug. I know this isn't exactly profound, but it beat the hell out of the bullsh!t other family members were saying)

From my BFF: "Sometimes bad stuff just happens. It's not because you're supposed to learn from it, nor was it meant to be. It just happens, sadly."

From my DH: "I know it is horrible and there's no reason for it whatsoever. But just look at us now and how commited we are to having a family. It's like it launched us into another dimension."

 Edit: wording, grammar, spelling

FreyaWin2382

My best friend said: "Damn it!! This sucks and I am so sorry. I love you and am here for you if you need me." that was probably the best thing anyone had said so far.

My other friend sent me text messages every day just telling me she was thinking of me and was here was I was ready to talk.

It really helped to know that there were people who were there for me when I was ready to talk. 

blessedhope

My Aunt sent me a card that said something along the lines of, "I don't know the pain of losing a child but I did lose my husband of 40 years and my nephew who I was very close to. I pray that in your grief you can learn to worship God and even dance before him like David danced knowing that Titus is doing the very same dance along with you in heaven." It meant so much that first she acknowldeged that she did NOT know how I felt and also she gave me such a sweet image of my little boy dancing in heaven.

kpowers982

blessedhope:

My Aunt sent me a card that said something along the lines of, "I don't know the pain of losing a child but I did lose my husband of 40 years and my nephew who I was very close to. I pray that in your grief you can learn to worship God and even dance before him like David danced knowing that Titus is doing the very same dance along with you in heaven." It meant so much that first she acknowldeged that she did NOT know how I felt and also she gave me such a sweet image of my little boy dancing in heaven.

This is so sweet.

After my M/C, my MIL sent me a card that basically said they were very sorry for what happened, and they were also very sad too...it was nice to know that someone else besides DH and I felt as if they lost something important too.

Laurakat81

Hardly any family ever even acknowledged my first loss. But one of my brothers said something that was so beautiful to me. I wish I could remember it exactly, he articulated it so well. But basically he just acknowledged it, told me how sorry he was, how sad he was that he wouldn't get to meet his niece or nephew. And reminded me that one day all the heartache I was feeling would be worth it. The thing is he has Aspergers Syndrome so showing emotion is so foreign to him that I never expected him to say anything about it at all And he'd have been the only person in the world that I wouldn't have been upset with for ignoring it. Instead he was the only person in the world who got it.

In typical Aspergers fashion...when I had my ectopic, this same brother walked up in the middle of the room full of strangers and blurted out, "I'm sorry for what happened to you.". And then he walked away in the opposite direction. It was humorous because it was such an inappropriate moment to say anything and everyone was staring at us both. I'm sure they were wondering WHAT happened to me! And he said it so seriously that I'm sure they thought he was threatening me or something! He's so funny!

The thing is I never expected anything poetic from anyone. A simple I'm sorry would have done wonders for me. A simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. People just don't need to try so hard...the harder they try the stupider they become!

 

 

jenn0021

Laurakat81:

The thing is I never expected anything poetic from anyone. A simple I'm sorry would have done wonders for me. A simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. People just don't need to try so hard...the harder they try the stupider they become!

This. You worded that so well.

GatorBaby2012

I think my therapist is #1 on my list for being most helpful. She has given me the following advice/words of wisdom over the last 8 months since my first loss:

• Write a letter to your baby. I was skeptical until I did it and I felt so much relief and closure.
  
• Don't try to mask or distract your feelings. Some distraction occasionally is fine, but not letting those feelings out will make things worse. When you need to cry, then cry. If it's in front of others, so what. It doesn't make you seem weak, it makes you more human. 
• Don't live in the past or the future. Don't dwell on what happened in the past so much that it keeps you from living in the present. Also don't focus too much on the future and lose sight of what you have to do in the present to get there. Stop and smell the roses, literally. Take 5 minutes out of your day to just open up your senses and recognize what is going on around you.
  

big_noise

My boss has been one of the most supportive people through all this. When I was texting her after my first loss, I was expressing how angry I was and that I just couldn't figure out why the m/c and a lot of other things were happening (m/c happened at a point where I was already near rock bottom). She has also been through a m/c and texted back. "There may not be a reason." This along with her other support has been very helpful. It kind of released me from trying to analyze it so much.

GatorBaby2012

jenn0021:

Laurakat81:

The thing is I never expected anything poetic from anyone. A simple I'm sorry would have done wonders for me. A simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. People just don't need to try so hard...the harder they try the stupider they become!

This. You worded that so well.

So true!

Spruce14

From my friend "I don't even know what to say except holy sh*t that f*ing sucks. I'm so sorry, i need to hug you so i'm coming over tonight" - followed by her coming over with lots of wine and soft cheeses. 

My other friend was super helpful although there were no profound words specifically. We just talked a lot and she never said a stupid thing once. She texted me every day and still is just to see how I am doing and that meant so much!  Nobody else did that they just ignored it by the next week...which is terrible! 

LaTi07

"Don't you wish you could punch God in the face sometimes?" - Friend

It absolutely captured how I was feeling and it really made me laugh.

Mrs Carbo

I work with one specific guy on a daily basis whose wife has suffered early mc.

We were talking about pg one day (before DH and I were even trying) and he said to me "No one ever tells you how unfortunately common it is to lose a pg. I am not saying it will happen to you, and hope to God that it never happens to you. I am just telling you this because we were not prepared. No one ever talks about the bad stuff until it happens."

A few months later when we lost our LO he told me how sorry he was and that he knows exactly how we feel. He did a stellar job covering for me when I took a week of after my D&C. 

To this day he is one of the few people in my life that checks up on me to see how DH and I are doing.

All of this was so comforting because I knew that he truly knows how DH and I felt. 

Mom2anAngel2

Laurakat81:

Hardly any family ever even acknowledged my first loss. But one of my brothers said something that was so beautiful to me. I wish I could remember it exactly, he articulated it so well. But basically he just acknowledged it, told me how sorry he was, how sad he was that he wouldn't get to meet his niece or nephew. And reminded me that one day all the heartache I was feeling would be worth it. The thing is he has Aspergers Syndrome so showing emotion is so foreign to him that I never expected him to say anything about it at all And he'd have been the only person in the world that I wouldn't have been upset with for ignoring it. Instead he was the only person in the world who got it.

In typical Aspergers fashion...when I had my ectopic, this same brother walked up in the middle of the room full of strangers and blurted out, "I'm sorry for what happened to you.". And then he walked away in the opposite direction. It was humorous because it was such an inappropriate moment to say anything and everyone was staring at us both. I'm sure they were wondering WHAT happened to me! And he said it so seriously that I'm sure they thought he was threatening me or something! He's so funny!

The thing is I never expected anything poetic from anyone. A simple I'm sorry would have done wonders for me. A simple hug or a shoulder to cry on. People just don't need to try so hard...the harder they try the stupider they become!

This made me cry!  What a beautiful thing your brother said to you, even the second/ill timed comment.  Sometimes the people that we least expect if from, help the most.

I think the most helpful person for me has been one of my co-workers.  She left a message on my voicemail while I was being induced in the hospital, just simply saying that she was thinking about us and not to worry about anything but ourselves.  Then, when I returned to work, she hugged me and say "screw it, you just have to survive, nothing else matters."  She was telling me not to care about anyone else or anything else, but to focus on myself and making it through minute by minute.  She still hugs me every week and asks me how I'm doing.  She has never said anything stupid, like so many others, and is always so caring.

Allycat11

My mom (who is not the nurturing type at all) has said the things that helped me most.  When I told her about my m/c she explained to me why she was never able to biologically have children (my brother and I were both adopted).  She never had a m/c but she never was able to get pregnant in the first place so she has been able to relate to all of the "you're not a mom" comments.  It has been amazing to have her finally open up to me about the biggest struggle of her life and it helps to have someone who understands that the comments hurt.  

Other than that I like when people say something as simple as, "I can't imagine what you are going through right now".  

Cubskers

My aunt, who suffered a full-term stillbirth in 1980 and the loss of her 6-year-old son in a tragic accident in 1992, sent me a letter.  I've only read it once because I don't want to cry like that ever again, but some of the words are burned in my memory:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.   

There were 2 really powerful statements for me - acknowledging that I'm a mother and that she promises not to forget.  We're not that close, so we haven't spoken since that letter, but it is so special to me.   

barbie92

I think that the best thing that people have said to me was just that they are sorry and can't imagine what I am going through. I also appreciate the people who still check on me even though it has been a couple months. One of my friends texted me the other day to let me know she was thinking about me and Robby, and that helped a lot. 

Mmm79

Cubskers:

Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift! 

This made me teary. 

panacea05

My 60 year-old male boss, after my second loss: I won't even say I understand, because I don't. I have suffered great loss, though, so I can try to relate on some level. (His brother died unexpectedly in his 30s.) It's just...it's f***ed-up, and it's not fair.  

I loved that he clearly had no idea what to say--but he tried anyway. His condolence wasn't eloquent, but I knew he cared.

Also, a co-worker told me that she hopes I can try to focus on all that I do have--a wonderful husband and hundreds of people who love us both--rather than on what I lost. When she first said it, I was taken aback by her unwarranted advice. As time went on, though, I realized she's right. Of course I'll always "focus on" my babies, but I do have a lot. I'm blessed, despite all the sh!t that's been thrown at me, and I shouldn't lose sight of that. 

panacea05

Cubskers:

My aunt, who suffered a full-term stillbirth in 1980 and the loss of her 6-year-old son in a tragic accident in 1992, sent me a letter.  I've only read it once because I don't want to cry like that ever again, but some of the words are burned in my memory:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.   

There were 2 really powerful statements for me - acknowledging that I'm a mother and that she promises not to forget.  We're not that close, so we haven't spoken since that letter, but it is so special to me.   

Oh, God. Waterworks over here.

GatorBaby2012

panacea05:

Cubskers:

My aunt, who suffered a full-term stillbirth in 1980 and the loss of her 6-year-old son in a tragic accident in 1992, sent me a letter.  I've only read it once because I don't want to cry like that ever again, but some of the words are burned in my memory:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.   

There were 2 really powerful statements for me - acknowledging that I'm a mother and that she promises not to forget.  We're not that close, so we haven't spoken since that letter, but it is so special to me.   

Oh, God. Waterworks over here.

More waterworks over here!  

KDS1987

DH sent me a text right after we got home from the hospital and he left to go get dinner. He said "You need to remember that even when times get hard you will remain the love of my life forever" I have that text locked in my phone so it can't be deleted and read it when I need a pick me up. He is not a super sensitive guy so words like this are rare with him, it was nice to be reminded that he would be there for me no matter what even though he was hurting too.

Cubskers

GatorBaby2012:

panacea05:

Cubskers:

My aunt, who suffered a full-term stillbirth in 1980 and the loss of her 6-year-old son in a tragic accident in 1992, sent me a letter.  I've only read it once because I don't want to cry like that ever again, but some of the words are burned in my memory:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.   

There were 2 really powerful statements for me - acknowledging that I'm a mother and that she promises not to forget.  We're not that close, so we haven't spoken since that letter, but it is so special to me.   

Oh, God. Waterworks over here.

More waterworks over here!  

Sorry - didn't mean to make y'all cry!  But, I bawled as I read it (about 2 weeks after my loss) and cried as I was typing it.  This all sucks!  Even the good stuff!

Actingdiva09

Wow thanks ladies!!! I really appreciate it!!!

 

Cubskers:

My aunt, who suffered a full-term stillbirth in 1980 and the loss of her 6-year-old son in a tragic accident in 1992, sent me a letter.  I've only read it once because I don't want to cry like that ever again, but some of the words are burned in my memory:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.   

There were 2 really powerful statements for me - acknowledging that I'm a mother and that she promises not to forget.  We're not that close, so we haven't spoken since that letter, but it is so special to me.   

I hope you don't mind, I featured that quote on my blog SO moving!!!!!

ChloBub

I am seriously boo-hooing through this whole thread over here.

One thing that stood out to me that someone said was, "I know you're really tired of hearing about how 'God has a plan,' but I just want to let you know that God will MAKE a plan."

It's also amazing how far a little "How are you doing?" months after the fact can go.

ETA: My dad also said, "I will do anything to take your pain away."

kelly321

GatorBaby2012:

panacea05:

Cubskers:

My aunt, who suffered a full-term stillbirth in 1980 and the loss of her 6-year-old son in a tragic accident in 1992, sent me a letter.  I've only read it once because I don't want to cry like that ever again, but some of the words are burned in my memory:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.   

There were 2 really powerful statements for me - acknowledging that I'm a mother and that she promises not to forget.  We're not that close, so we haven't spoken since that letter, but it is so special to me.   

Oh, God. Waterworks over here.

More waterworks over here!  

Oh yeah. Glad DH can't see my face right now. I'm just trying to cover up the sniffles and think about things like what I'm going to make for dinner...

s.alarie

LaTi07:

"Don't you wish you could punch God in the face sometimes?" - Friend

It absolutely captured how I was feeling and it really made me laugh.

 

This is perfect. 

s.alarie

The most meaningful comments people have made are not necessarily about the words, but the delivery. Those who can make eye contact, tell you they are truly sorry for what has happened, honestly ask, "how are you doing?", or say, "I'm thinking about you." That's all it takes. 

Honestly, sometimes even the wrong thing is better than nothing at all. When someone you thought was close to you says absolutely nothing to acknowledge your pain and your loss--IMO, that's the worst.