September 2012 Moms
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Is your husband an idiot? Mine is.

In all fairness, I realize that I've been a complete mess since my Dad died, so I am more sensitive than usual, but I wholeheartedly believe that my husband is losing his mind.

This is our first child.  The week we found out I was pregnant (after trying for 3.5 years) he joined a motorcycle club.  This club is the bane of my existance.  I think it's ridiculous and stupid.  All of the guys in the club are over 40.  We are 29 & 30.  My husband spends 2 evenings per week and 1 day on the weekends with these misfits typically.  He is completely aware that I do not want anything to do with the club.  I have attended events and find no problem with these people, it's just not my thing.  I have enough friends that I can hang out with without wearing matching leather vests in public.

After countless fights and me asking him nicely to quit, I'm done.  I don't belive in divorce, so by me saying "I'm done" I mean that I'm done putting up with this nonsense.  Any suggestions from you ladies on how to deal with his stupidity?  Since the motorcycle is our only payment aside from our mortgage (I pay the bike) I have seriously considered knocking it over, or hitting it with a shovel but feel that doesn't totally convey what I'm going for here.  I've tried crying, rationalizing, and yelling.  None of these things seems to work.  Short of embarassing him in front of these misfits, I'm out of ideas.


Nancy James 9.1.12

Calvin Donald 8.27.14

Re: Is your husband an idiot? Mine is.

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    I don't understand why you hate it so much?  I used to have a motorcycle and was a member of a few groups. If it is something your husband enjoys why is it such an issue?  If I personally did anything harm any of my husbands toys I seriously think I would be kicked out of the house.  I think it's childish to even think of knocking his bike over even if you pay for it.  What is your valid reason for hating his being in this club?  My father has always had a motorcycle and every Sunday him and his group of friends ranging in age from 40-75 take their bikes out and ride.  Once a year they plan a huge week and a half trip somewhere and ride. 
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    I say let him have it...for now.  Before DD came along, DH had his guys poker nights once a week.  He'd leave around 8pm and get home anywhere from 2am-4am.  I told him that once DD came he could go every other week and if he wasn't home by 1am, I wouldn't let him sleep in the next day. Now, he only does poker about once a month (more if someone has something to celebrate) and he still has his 1am curfew.  The way I see it, they need something for themselves...just as we need something for ourselves.  just make it clear that once the baby comes, he's going to have to cut back.  And keep yourself out of it...maybe try to do a girls night when he goes to his motorcycle club.
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    I can totally see YOU not wanting to hang out with the motorcycle group ( I wouldn't either) but why not let him have his group and you do something you'd like to do whole he's biking ?!? scrap booking , movies w the girls, enjoying "me" time , or spending time with other family or friends ?!! the more you bug him the further you'll push him into it ! Just my two cents ! 
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    Manx4Manx4 member

    Forcing your husband to do something he doesn't want to do is never a good idea.  He'll end up resenting you & it will drive a wedge between you two even more so than it already is. 

    He knows your POV on this & my guess is once this baby shows up, his opinion on the bike club may change.  He may want to spend more time at home, he may realize the bike is dangerous and wants to make sure he doesn't take any unnecessary risks so he can stay in baby's life.  

    My advice, let it go.  Let him make the choice to stay or go.  Join or do something that you enjoy, yoga, a class at the local community college, check out the community papers and see if there is a class you can take with a girlfriend...whatever.  Do something YOU enjoy so you don't resent your husband for doing something he enjoys.

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    I know it's childish.  I just know it's the one thing that would drive him more bonkers.

    The main reason that I hate this is because he just did it without ever talking to me about it and now he's gone all the time, and I think it's really inconsiderate.  We have 3 unfinished home projects at various degrees of completion, and I really wish that he would have picked some activity that I could have done with him. 

    I have been around bikes my whole life.  My Dad rode, and my husband has been riding since he was 16.  The main problem with this that I have is that if it's this bad now, how much worse is it going to get when the baby is here?  If I wanted to be a single parent, I would have done this many years ago.


    Nancy James 9.1.12

    Calvin Donald 8.27.14

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    That stinks.  You crack me up though - esp. with the matching vests comment. 

    What's the appeal of the club for your DH?  Is is that he's bored and this is somethign to do, that he needs more friends and brotherhood, that he's freaking out about baby and wants some freedom?  I'd figure out what the appeal is and then see if there's another way to fill whatever need. 

    ETA:  But I do agree with PPs that if he likes it, he likes it and you forcing him out of it will cause resentment.  For my DH it's golf.  I don't nag him aout golfing but he is good about communicating when he's going to golf and how often so that he's respecting our time and our schedule.

    He's spending a lot of time with this club.  Is your DH willing to compromise on the amount of time that he spends with it?  How about when baby comes?  He's going to have a marriage to nurture and a child to raise and if he intends to be gone with the club that much it's not fair to you or the baby and he's missing out.

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    If he enjoys it I would leave him be.  What if he asked you to stop doing something that you enjoy? Now when the baby comes if he is neglecting you and/or the LO then there is an issue.  My DH put his Ducati up for sale without me saying a word.  He said "it's not like I will be riding it when our LO comes" :) GL!
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    Yeah, I agree with the PPs that him being in a motorcycle club isn't that big a deal, at least as you described it. Is there something in particular about it that bothers you--the time he's spending, the money it costs, it leading to other behaviours you don't like? Or is it just that you don't get it and don't like the idea of it?

    If it's the latter, I'd agree that even if you don't totally get it, it's important to let him have something to himself. You should find something of your own you'd like to do in that same time. MH plays a lot of soccer. I normally would play, but now that I'm cutting back on contact sports, we're funneling some of the sports money we set aside for things like prenatal yoga and some good workout dvd's that I can do. 

    And if the issue is time or money being spent on the club and bike, then maybe it would be more productive to talk to YH about how he needs to cut back or find extra money somewhere (selling old stuff or whatever) to fund this hobby. But I think asking him to cut it out entirely is a bit unreasonable.


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    I think it's a conversation like PP had with her husband -- I'll let you have this for the next 5 months, but once LO is here, the time commitment is cut in half or more. 

    Most likely he would do this on his own (mine pretty much did), but it would be good to have a rational conversation about it well before it's a huge issue with a baby in the house.

    We did a LOT of socializing prior to DD's birth. I knew my H was feeling the same pressure I was, but he could go out and really enjoy himself with his friends, so I played along. Honestly, I love the pictures of me at a random 30th birthday bash with our drunk friend kissing my massive belly. Because it isn't going to happen again.   

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    I don't get why you are so mad and why you would force him to quit, yes your married but you still both have different likes and hobbies.

     

    I just dont get it.

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    honestly, i think taking away your husband's hobby before you have a baby is a bad idea. my DH is into diesel trucks. they're loud, expensive, and really boring, in my opinion. he goes to meets and events occasionally, and spends a lot of time on the truck. just because he has a hobby does not mean that you're going to be a single parent. 

    but honestly, unless he starts ignoring you and the baby, there isn't really a problem. i like that DH has his thing to give him something to do aside from work and coming home every day.  

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    imageMarisaKathleen:

    I know it's childish.  I just know it's the one thing that would drive him more bonkers.

    The main reason that I hate this is because he just did it without ever talking to me about it and now he's gone all the time, and I think it's really inconsiderate.  We have 3 unfinished home projects at various degrees of completion, and I really wish that he would have picked some activity that I could have done with him. 

    I have been around bikes my whole life.  My Dad rode, and my husband has been riding since he was 16.  The main problem with this that I have is that if it's this bad now, how much worse is it going to get when the baby is here?  If I wanted to be a single parent, I would have done this many years ago.

     As a single parent ( with my daughter) I can tell you that him being gone a few nights a week on a motorcycle is nothing like being a single parent I think your over reacting 

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    imageMarisaKathleen:

    I know it's childish.  I just know it's the one thing that would drive him more bonkers.

    The main reason that I hate this is because he just did it without ever talking to me about it and now he's gone all the time, and I think it's really inconsiderate.  We have 3 unfinished home projects at various degrees of completion, and I really wish that he would have picked some activity that I could have done with him. 

    I have been around bikes my whole life.  My Dad rode, and my husband has been riding since he was 16.  The main problem with this that I have is that if it's this bad now, how much worse is it going to get when the baby is here?  If I wanted to be a single parent, I would have done this many years ago.

    I wish I could get my husband out of the house a few nights a weeks so I can have my own time.  I can watch what I want on tv clean the house in peace. Or just read in quite.  My husband is not social but he will spend some time in his shop working on his toys...(motorcycle, snowmobiles, four wheelers, his lawn mower whatever.)  We are moving and he hasn't packed one box yet.  But I know it will be done by the time we move and when we move into the new house.  It's going to need a ton of stuff done.  I don't expect him to give up all his time to work on the house.  I know what needs to get done will get done maybe not on my time but it will get done.  

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    Sorry, but I think you are really overreacting. It's a motorcycle club, not a prostitution or drug ring. If you have friends you hang out with separate from YH, then let him do the same. Why does their age matter?

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    I hope you ladies are right and that it does scale back once the baby is here. 

    To answer some of the questions, yes, we have been riders for our whole marriage.  Yes, I enjoy being on the bike.  We typically go to 3-4 rallys a year out of town on the bike. The problem I have isn't with the club necessarily, it's the fact that my husband can't seem to tell these people no.  I liked it a lot more when the bike was our thing that we did together.

    I have my own hobbies and interests but think that this much time spent with the group is excessive.  I would think that if this was soccer, or poker or whatever.  I also think that I should try to just let it go and see what happens.  Maybe he'll come to some sort of conclusion on his own after we know what the baby is, I start showing and it's closer to the end.  Who knows, maybe  this is his response to becoming a dad.  Sure, he's excited, but ultimately I think he's terrified so he's trying to do something fun now.  I have no idea.

    Also, the kind of club he's in has a lot of associations with other illegal activities, and while I don't think he would do anything personally, I think putting yourself in the situation is stupid.


    Nancy James 9.1.12

    Calvin Donald 8.27.14

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    One way to do it might be to let things simmer down for a bit, and take some time to reflect on what you want and need from him that you're not getting.  Sounds like you have an idea of what that is, but really take some time to pinpoint it.

     Once you know that, maybe you can sit down with him sometime and just tell him, calmly as you can, how you feel.  Maybe you miss him since he's gone a lot more.  You could thank him for the things you appreciate -- the ways he's been patient and supportive through your dad's death.  Also there are the home projects or other things to get ready for babycakes that are a priority for you right now.  Maybe you could list these things.  Then you can work together to agree on a timeline to get them done.  That could help break down the ongoing fight between "being a good husband" and making time for his hobby.

     It occurs to me that he might feel emotionally overwhelmed right now.  After trying for 3.5 years, he is gonna be a dad!!  He may have a lot of different feelings -- positive excited ones, but also maybe fears about how this will change his life, more responsibility, etc.  It also may be overwhelming to him that you've been having a hard time about losing your dad.  That is NOT YOUR FAULT -- none of this is! -- but it's still something that he may have to figure out how to work through.  He may be looking for other outlets to help him figure out how to manage the change.

     Take good care of yourself too!!!  The hormones are making me nuts sometimes, let alone all the changes in general.  Sometimes I feel really upset and fragile, even when my guy is being a total rockstar.  If he were picking up a new hobby and spending time away and I felt like he was neglecting me or our home, I would be totally freaking out.  Instincts are wicked powerful right now.  Maybe there are small things you can ask him for, that will help you feel loved protected and taken care of, even if he doesn't leave motorcycle club.

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    I understand where you are coming from. A few years ago my H joined the Knights of Columbus, which I think is affiliated with the Catholic religion. However, his reasons for joining had nothing to do with religion. He would basically sit around with a bunch of old men and drink cheap beer. It made me crazy. 

    Eventually though, he got tired of it and stopped going. Hopefully that will happen with your DH too. 

    If I were you I would let it go for now but tell him he will need to be around more when the baby comes.

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    I would totally ignore it. My husband is very passionate about his hobbies. It drives me crazy sometimes, but Ive noticed the more i nag him about it, the less he wants tobspend time with me.

    Men have to have something to do. At first its very exciting and totally consumes them, but then it tapers off into something they do sometimes, but they get back to a more normal routine. maybe this is your husbands way of having fun and enjoying things he wont be able to do as much after the baby gets here.

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    My DH is a skiier, and has been ever since I have known him. I hate ski season with a passion. Every day he had off from work last year was spent on the ski hill, plus 3 ski trips to Colorado. It's expensive, it's dangerous (he does freestyle skiing), and I never get to see him, so I feel your pain. However, I could never tell him he needs to stop doing something he loves so much. Maybe you could come to an agreement on how often he goes to his club? DH and I have discussed that starting next ski season, he can only do one of his days off at the ski hill (unless it is a weekend) since we will have to pay more for daycare if he isn't home to watch LO.

     

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    It sounds to me like it's not the motorcycle club, but the root problems of poor communication and respect.  The dynamics of your relationship sound like they need work.  He's making big decisions without you, you're considering sabotage to get your way, household duties are being neglected, and resentment and passive aggressive behavior sounds like the norm.  When the baby gets here, THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER.  It might help if you went to one or two counselling sessions to help mend these issues before the baby comes.  Remember, it's not about the bike club, it's about your relationship.  That will be extremely helpful to remember when you sit down to talk about the issues.
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    It's a club - something for him to do outside his normal everyday stuff. I wish my DH would get a constructive hobby that got him a little more social.  

     If you joined a club or a group, would you expect him to have a problem with it... even if you have to host at your house every so often?  Even if it cost a signifigant amount of money?

     

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    I think you're insanely overreacting.  Let him have his fun.  Men are untitled to have their outlets as much as women are, pregnant or not.  If it's just a few nights a weeks, what's the big deal.  If the problem is that you're making the payment for the bike, maybe you can have a conversation with him about taking over the payments.  The fact that you don't like the motorcycle club is not a reason for him to give up something he enjoys.  Is he out getting into trouble?  Maybe he started feeling a little confined when he found out there would be a baby.  Forcing a man to do something will not make him happy and will only make him resent you.  
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    imagebosha711:
    Sorry, but I think you are really overreacting. It's a motorcycle club, not a prostitution or drug ring. If you have friends you hang out with separate from YH, then let him do the same. Why does their age matter?

    This! DH needs his own life just like you do regardless of a baby coming! If I were you I'd find a hobby of my own. I highly doubt once the baby gets here he'll be gone 3 days a week and if that's the case then I'd be putting my foot down. Until then just let him enjoy being able to do things freely, I'm sure that's all he's looking for.

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    Let him have his little club :)  I really dont see what the big deal is and if it is something that he enjoys that is great.  I am one to think it is important for each spouse to have things that are just for them.  My husband does all sorts of things like softball spring-fall, weekly poker nights in the winter, fishing and hunting and I dont care that he does any of it.  That being said because I am so laid back in my husbands activities he lets me do all the things that I like to do as well
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    I completely understand where you are coming from. When my husband and I got married, I knew he loved to fish, but he rarely ever went, only when someone with a boat offered or he could get out of the house and do bank fishing. A few months before I got pregnant with our first son, he bought his first fishing boat and was soon gone every weekend, sometimes just one day, sometimes both Sat and Sun. At the time I didnt' mind, I liked to be by myself and I could just relax and get things done around the house. But once I got pregnant, it really started to bother me.

    Since then, his fishing has gotten more frequent and has often been a big complication in our marriage. I've come to the conclusion, after many arguments and discussions, that this is something that allows him to get away, escape, and think about life. He needs this time away, and although it's a struggle for me now being pregnant, taking care of a toddler and 2 giant dogs by myself every Saturday, I get it. I don't like it, but I've accepted it. He's a much happier person when he's able to go out and fish and hang with his guys for a few hours (and it's really only a few hours. He leaves at 6am and is home by 1-2pm). It also allows him to reflect on us while he's out on the river alone. I know he thinks about a lot of stuff while he's out there as we usually end up having big heart to hearts when he returns.

    Another plus side, is that he appreciates me being understanding. Because of that, he's more willing to do things I want to do when he's home on the weekends. We usually go out to dinner with our son on Saturday nights and we spend the whole day together on Sunday as a family out and about or cleaning the house. And he has really stepped up in terms of helping me clean as he wants to show his appreciation in my understanding that he loves to fish so much.

    He has told me that when our next baby is born, he won't fish as much and we've compromised on him going only one day a weekend, 2 weekends out of the month. I'm ok with that. I don't personally have any of my own hobbies, but I enjoy spending time with my son, so when he is gone, I just dedicate all my time to him.

    It's important for spouses to have their own seperate activities outside of the marriage. I think it's healthy to have different interests and different friends. I've also gone out on his boat for the first time in the 2 years that he's owned it. He was so excited to take me out and had been begging me for over a year. I can't say that I'll be doing it often, but it's nice that we can sometimes do this together.

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    Thanks for your help ladies!

    Obviously given that this is only part of the story, it's hard to convey how it's really affecting our life.  I know that I'm not overreacting, but can see how reading it at face value it could be taken that way.  I am fully aware that people need their own interests, and their own hobbies.  If this were my husbands only hobby or only group of friends, I could completely understand it.  Hopefully we'll come to some sort of compromise.

    I do appreciate all of your suggestions! 


    Nancy James 9.1.12

    Calvin Donald 8.27.14

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    I'm sorry- I don't see the big deal.

    My husband and I have different interests.  There are things I enjoy doing that he doesn't, but he'd never tell me to stop and vice versa. 

    If it's something he enjoys- why on earth would you try to tell him to stop if it's not harming you in any way?

    Quite frankly, once the baby arrives, your lives will be turned upside down.  Let him have some freedom now (and you too) before you are both chained to a baby.

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    imageFirstTimer02:

    One way to do it might be to let things simmer down for a bit, and take some time to reflect on what you want and need from him that you're not getting.  Sounds like you have an idea of what that is, but really take some time to pinpoint it.

     Once you know that, maybe you can sit down with him sometime and just tell him, calmly as you can, how you feel.  Maybe you miss him since he's gone a lot more.  You could thank him for the things you appreciate -- the ways he's been patient and supportive through your dad's death.  Also there are the home projects or other things to get ready for babycakes that are a priority for you right now.  Maybe you could list these things.  Then you can work together to agree on a timeline to get them done.  That could help break down the ongoing fight between "being a good husband" and making time for his hobby.

     It occurs to me that he might feel emotionally overwhelmed right now.  After trying for 3.5 years, he is gonna be a dad!!  He may have a lot of different feelings -- positive excited ones, but also maybe fears about how this will change his life, more responsibility, etc.  It also may be overwhelming to him that you've been having a hard time about losing your dad.  That is NOT YOUR FAULT -- none of this is! -- but it's still something that he may have to figure out how to work through.  He may be looking for other outlets to help him figure out how to manage the change.

     Take good care of yourself too!!!  The hormones are making me nuts sometimes, let alone all the changes in general.  Sometimes I feel really upset and fragile, even when my guy is being a total rockstar.  If he were picking up a new hobby and spending time away and I felt like he was neglecting me or our home, I would be totally freaking out.  Instincts are wicked powerful right now.  Maybe there are small things you can ask him for, that will help you feel loved protected and taken care of, even if he doesn't leave motorcycle club.

     

    This.  As I was reading this, I was hearing "I am feeling neglected" - at least on some level.  This was something you did together, and now you're not able to.  That can be hard.  This particular group sounds like it may not be the best group - but since you're not around it much, it's makes it more worrisome for you.  Like PP said - pinpoint a few ways that he can make this easier for you and be open to some compromise.  

    And by the way - if my husband were to take 2 nights a week and a day on the weekend to do "his thing" and not talk to me about it, I would be pissed.  Thankfully, he and I are pretty good about communicating about our wants/ needs.

    Good luck!

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    imageMarisaKathleen:

    I know it's childish.  I just know it's the one thing that would drive him more bonkers.

    The main reason that I hate this is because he just did it without ever talking to me about it and now he's gone all the time, and I think it's really inconsiderate.  We have 3 unfinished home projects at various degrees of completion, and I really wish that he would have picked some activity that I could have done with him. 

    I have been around bikes my whole life.  My Dad rode, and my husband has been riding since he was 16.  The main problem with this that I have is that if it's this bad now, how much worse is it going to get when the baby is here?  If I wanted to be a single parent, I would have done this many years ago.

    My husband used to ride a lot before our kids were born.  At one point we owned 3 motorcycles.  We now own zero.  Things can change when there are young children & babies in the picture.  When the kids are older my DH says he might pick up a bike again, but for now he doesn't want one.  No time to ride & it is just too dangerous.

    Maybe your DH will come to the same conclusions once baby is born. 

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    I think you're being ridiculous.  Find a hobby for yourself if you don't like his.  It's something he enjoys; find something YOU enjoy.  Get over it.
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    You are being selfish and a bit crazy. Period. 
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    How can you not believe in divorce?  It is not the tooth fairy.  If your husband was beating you, you wouldn't divorce him?
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    Wait. What does your husbands interest in motorcycles have to do with you being pregnant? And why cant he have an interest in motorcycles? And why does this make him stupid? If you dont want to have anything to do with the club then thats your perogative but if I weregim and you told me to quit Id tell you to pound sand
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