flashbacks, for lack of a better word

medblais

My daughter was born May 8, 2011, which also happened to be Mother's Day.  She died 37 days later, on June 14th, of meningitis. As we are quickly coming up on her 1st birthday, Mother's Day, the anniversary of her death, and Father's Day, I started having these "flashbacks" again (I really don't know what else to call them). For the first months after our loss, I felt like I was reliving the last day she spent at home, and those days in the hospital, as mental videos would play over and over again in my brain. As part of the roller coaster called grief, some periods of time have been worse than others. Recently though, the flashbacks have been randomly popping up sending me to pieces.  I hear her crying, screaming, from the very last time I heard her make any sound at all, while I lay in bed trying to sleep.  I picture the hose/tube down her throat to get the liquid out of her lungs out of nowhere. Most times these flashes of intensely painful memories are out of the blue, with no connection to what is happening around me. Why can't it be the happy memories that pop up? I am in the process of training for a very intensive new job, while still working my current one, and life feels overwhelming as it is. Mostly I just needed to vent, because I feel like a hot mess and don't know what to do about it.

weddedwife

I'm so sorry! Those are horrible things to have to experience once, let alone relive over and over. My guess is that it is stress-related. Those were obviously incredibly stressful moments and your mind is probably triggering them when you get stressed out again.

The brain is a crazy thing- I'm no scientist but I know that neurons fire and make all kinds of connections, I would bet your brain made certain connections when you were stressed out around the time of your daughter's death and now, when you are stressed in a different way, those connections are firing again. Maybe someone more educated on this subject could explain it better but that is my basic understanding of it.

It doesn't make it suck any less. I wish it was the happier things too Big hugs.

tubbsy32

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have a lot going on, which is overwhelming in itself, and then add some significant dates approaching. Don't be hard on yourself for being a "hot mess", we all are hot messes from time to time

((hugs))

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I totally understand what you're saying.  It's still amazing to me how eerily similar our stories are.  My son was 36 days old when he passed away from bronchitis.  I too have been having flashbacks of things.  I still hear him crying.  I will randomly start thinking about him laying there lifeless.  I remember them telling us he was gone.  I remember holding him for the last time.  Mine too seem out of the blue.  I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.  Just want you to know you're not alone.  {{HUGS}}

jbranden12

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I'm a bit of a mess right now myself, but all I can say is that if you were a client, I would suggest that you try journaling each time you experienced one of these flashbacks. Perhaps writing down the painful memories and the details of what you were doing before you experienced each flashback would help you find any triggers, though stress is likely a contributing factor.  Additionally, it might help keep the memories on the page, where you could go back to them anytime, but leave the good memories in your thoughts.

Again, I'm so sorry. I hope you can find some peace in the happy memories.

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Mjmksb04

I have different triggers too, mostly relating to being in hospitals or doctor's offices. I truly don't think I could handle having to have an ultrasound or hearing the beeping of various heart/oxygen/medication monitors in a hospital without having an anxiety attack. I relate.

blessedhope

I wish I had some advice for you but I don't because I experience the very same thing daily and especially when I lay down at night. ((big hugs))