Family vent..

Patches08

This is only a vent post and I'm sorry it's long. I post here because I know most of you ladies, while not a BP, will understand my prespective on adoption related issues. Sometimes I really don't understand people... The family on my fathers side that is. I am very close with all of them (5 aunts/uncles, 20 cousins grandma/grandpop). We have family dinners once a week and are very close knit.. except when it comes to the daughter I placed (Mckenzie). I understand they were all upset when I got pregnant.. but its been 8 years.. 8 years!

So here's the story that's prompting this post. About 6 months ago Amom and I decided we would like to have a family get together with all the extended family (both theirs and mine). Normal visits are with my parents, brother and husband. My fathers side has a hard time talking about Mckenzie.. (I can only assume this because I know they are not this hurtful on purpose). They never ask about her, if I bring her up, which I do often, they never further inquire or show any interest in her.

This became obvious on New Years day... It sounds silly but it was hurtful. This involves my grandma, my uncle Paul, aunt Mary and their 4 girls (Mary and I were pregnant at the same time). My uncle and his family live a few house down from my grandparents and my other aunt, Sarah. Sarah and my grandma help Mary & Paul with babysitting daily.. Mary had surprise twins 2 years ago.

On New Years Day I gave my grandmothers a framed picture of Mckenzie. She didn't say much and set the picture down in the kitchen.. while I'm still standing there, my cousin (7.5 years old) walked up to my grandma and gave her a framed picture of her family (Mary, Paul & kids). Grandma about lost it with joy and went on and on about how cute the girls were, etc. She immediately propped the photo up on her coffee table. So I took Mckenzie's picture and propped it up next to this earth shattering adorable photo of my aunt and her family.

Aunt Sarah walks in the door and sees the photo of Mary's family, stops and screams how cute it is.. walks over, picks it up, fuss's over it and never said a word about the picture of Mckenzie. Mckenzie's picture was the same size picture and professional photo.. the entire night everyone kept talking about this picture, no one mentioned anything about Mckenzie's. After dinner I went downstairs and kept to myself, I left for home early.

The next day my cousin called me (30 years old) and asked me what was bothering me and I told her how I felt and that I was hurt, etc. She defended the family and said 'It's hard for us to know she's (Mckenzie) real'. So, I guess this has been brought up before amongst my family.. I told her about our extended family visit plans and she seemed excited.

Surprise, surprise .. I invited my entire extended family to our upcoming visit and apparently everyone already has plans that day. My 7.5 year old cousin has a piano recital. I understand ... But does the whole family need to go? My little cousins are involved in everything under the sun and have some sort of game, program or recital frequently. This is the first time some of my family would be meeting Mckenzie (my grandmother came to a visit 2 years ago). My older cousin who called me.. she wants to spend time with her fiance that day, even though they live together.. I'm trying not to let this get under my skin, but so far resentment is getting the best of me.

It wouldn't have mattered what date we picked, I know it would not have suited anyone from that side of the family.

I know they are the ones missing out.... But how could they pass up the opportunity to get to know this sweet sweet girl!

I'm not sure what it is.. fear, disapproval of the whole situation, shame.. who knows.. but I thought they would jump at this chance. My family is loving, caring and supportive in every other way. I'm proud of my family and want Mckenzie to know them and vice versa.. but it looks like it'll have to start another time. :-(

I should mentioned that my mothers side of the family will be there and so will my husbands parents, and I'm thrilled about that, they are all so excited to meet her. I'm just disappointed about my dads side, which I am way closer with. So thanks for listening.

Any insight or encouragement on how to handle this with my dad's side would be appreciated. I know I'm going to have a hard time letting this one go.

MrsKolasa

I understand why you're upset, that is hurtful. I think I know what they were trying to say, but if they wanted to remedy the whole "not real" thing, they could make an effort to come to the family gathering with her. I have a big, close family too and would be so sad if I was in your situation. I'm sorry, honey.

Big hugs. Feel free to email me anytime. 

Art Teacher

I'm really sorry, Patches.  I don't understand it, either.  Maybe they are afraid or nervous - not sure how to act?  I don't know.  I'm really sorry. 

On the other hand, I'm very happy for you that your mother's side will be there as well as your husband's parents. 

Would it do any good to talk to them one more time and tell them (again) how very much it would mean to you that they were there?  And maybe make a point of saying that that way they would get to meet her in person and see what a special little girl she is? 

Big hugs.  It can't be easy for you. I'm sorry.

jillianmb

I'm sorry :-(  It sounds to me like they are just sad about the whole adoption and don't want to open themselves up to your BD for fear of having those sad feelings opened up again.  All you can do is extend the invitation.  Sorry they aren't taking it.  ((hugs))

MayDayGirl

I ditto everyone else. HUGE HUGS. That sucks

Patches08

I don't believe so. My family is most always low key, no drama. I don't understand. I just wish they were excited like the other side of my family is. I want them to be thankful for this opportunity (like I am) and want to go, without me begging (which I will not do). I'll just pray for them and hope they change their minds.. Thanks for everyone's encouragement.

sprky79

Maybe they don't want to be reminded of a relative that is out there in the world somewhere?  It is probably hard for them to deal with.  I understand you are hurt, but it might be good for you to look at this from their point of view for a moment.

Patches08

sprky79:

Maybe they don't want to be reminded of a relative that is out there in the world somewhere?  It is probably hard for them to deal with.  I understand you are hurt, but it might be good for you to look at this from their point of view for a moment.

I'm speechless at this response.  Seriously Sprky?  And what exactly is your experience with open adoption or adoption in general?