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August 2011 Moms
Am I wrong - mil issue - sorry so long
My mil and i have never had a great realtionship, has always preferred my sil to me and doesn't hid it. That does not bother me. We have nothing in common. She is very cold, distant, and no filter. At my bridal shower she asked a woman who pays her son / dh a lot of money to be her personal trainer if the woman was pregnant - she was not. Another example, in my family we have a lot of girls, when she found out we were having a girl, she asked me sisters aren't you sick and tired of girls and told them why she prefers boys.
Since dd was born she has seen her once at the hospital, 2x's at our house, and then on thanksgiving and christmas. We recently saw her this past saturday at our nephew's bday party. She felt the need to go around and tell everyone at the party that she hasn't seen dd since christmas and it is my fault.
At christmas, we were there for 2 and half hours and never once held her until we were about to leave. Then got mad at us for leaving before she could hold her. She spent the entire time putting together this seat for dd to sit in. That she had never sat in.
On Saturday she told me that I am actively trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchild. Which I am not. If she wants to see her thats fine but it has to be when it is good for me. I work 40+ hours a week and dd is very clingy - i would prefer a weekend visit but would be okay with a weekday evening visit as long as it doesn't mess up dd's schedule. On top of it, DD is extremely clingy doesn't even go to dh unless she has too, so she flipped when mil tried to hold her on Saturday which again was my fault.
She feels it is my fault bc I won't do what she wants. DD hates the car - screams until she throws up and then screams some more, MIL leaves an hour or so away. I only take dd in the car when I have too. I don't see visiting her as something we have to do, why can't MIL come see her? I don't take DD to anyone else's house, if my family wants to see her they come to our house.
Am I wrong or should I be more catering - not sure if thats the word- to mil? I don't feel i should but would like an outside opinion. Thanks!
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Re: Am I wrong - mil issue - sorry so long
I don't think you are in the wrong. Have you talked to DH about how you feel or does he see how what she says makes you feel crapy? Have you explained to MIL what works best for your schedules and how poorly DD travels? It sounds like you don't see eachother enough to make a big deal of it, maybe you could just reach out and say "the weekend of ______ we will be home and would love to have you over for dinner." Just enough to keep you in control while making her feel welcomed. Good luck!
I don't think you're wrong. It sounds like no matter what you do, she'll find a way to be negative about it. For example, if you were to tell her you have such-and-such weekend open to invite her over, I'm sure the next time you see her she'd say something about how you limit her visits, or whatnot.
That being said, if it's something you and you H agree on, I would keep an "open door" policy for her, that way you can both in good conscience say that you aren't keeping her from her granddaughter. Leave the ball in her court. She'll say what she wants no matter what.
Also, when your LO is older, car rides won't be as big of an ordeal, and it'll be easier to take her places. The situation may be completely different by then.
I am sorta in the same boat. My MIL is BSC and it's all my fault that I won't/don't want to drive the 3 hours to go visit her. I have an Open Door policy here, all MIL has to do is let me know when she is going to be her and we will be home. I have told her this many times. She has been here once and that was the weekend that DD was born. We made the trip to het place on Easter Sunday. And I was a mess the whole time. (For a number of reasons)
We don't get along anyway but I know she should be able to see DD and hey I can suck it up for the day. I think if you let her know that you are more than willing to have her at your house and as she knows that it's her she is hurting by not coming around. IMO I could care less who sees my DD if I have rules around how and where then tough sh!t if you don't want to follow them.
I hate how she is turning this around on you. That is what my mother does.
What I would do is sit down with your DH present and have a serious conversation with her. Tell her if she wants to spend more time with your child, then simply stop by and visit. There is no reason for you guys to have to drive to her all the time...especially with your DD's lack of love for the car. Also explain (or have your DH explain) that she can not guilt you into thinking you guys are bad parents for not taking DD to her. It is HER fault. All of it is. If she wants a relationship, she will have to learn to build one.
IMO, your LO's dislike for the car alone is enough reason for your MIL to come to you for visits. I totally feel for you on this one - my LO was an awful mess in the car for the first 3 months, and after two tries, we stopped visiting with my in-laws who live 30 minutes away. We explained that as much as we knew they wanted to see her, they were going to have to come to us, because it just wasn't fair to make her sick and hysterical for the sake of a visit. Lucky for us, they were very understanding.
Anyway, to answer your question, you absolutely should not feel like you have to compromise you LO's well being just because your MIL wants you to visit. Moreover, it's ridiculous that she would want or expect you to do so! I would leave it to your husband to have a chat with her about visits and hope that he can straighten things out, leaving you out of the middle of it. GL!
You and your DH need to sit down, get a game plan and stick to it. He needs to be backing you up. If he's not, then you have bigger issues than your MIL.
My inlaws don't travel, at all. They live about 5 hours away. We always have to go to them. We've tried to get them to travel and there's always an excuse. So, we informed them that we'll be happy to come and visit on OUR schedule. We all get along well, so we do try to get down there when we can, but it's not enough for them. However, they understand that our door is always open and that they're always welcome to come and visit their grandchild here. They also understand that we're only coming down X often and that we're not going to come down more often than that.
Frankly, when you're the one doing the traveling, you get to make the plans of when you want to travel. Yes, you need to do it at a time that works for everyone you want to see, but you don't have to do it any more often than you want to do it. If she wants to see your child, then she needs to get her butt into the car and come when it works for you. She's not a queen. She can't edict that you appear. She needs to put out some effort herself.
All that being said, she sounds like a real Eeyore. Nothing will ever be right for her. Quit trying to please her as you'll never succeed.
Thanks ladies, I agree I am open to visits and we have told her this repeatedly. I am not going to beg her to come visit. If she wants to visit she can call to let us know she is coming. In the begining we used to invite her over but that turned into a disaster so we stopped and left it up to her.
DH and I have talked this to death. I feel horrible for him bc he is so embrassed by his mom. We had a big talk about it last week before we went to the party - me doing most of the talking and we are on the same page. He wants to write her a letter bc when you try to talk to her she doesn't hear you bc she is too busy thinking of how she is right and you are wrong. So fingers crossed for the letter. Thanks again for your advice and support!