How can I stop my mother's comments from getting me down?

ericamanuela

I posted this on another board. I guess I'm posting it again because for some reason I can't seem to get over this. I know, it's pathetic. I've been feeling extremely insecure throughout this pregnancy. I've always been a fairly small person, never had weight problems. I'm almost 29 weeks and gained 21 pounds. I do a half hour of intense cardio at the gym everyday and I eat great. There is literally nothing more I can do. My doctor said I'm at the perfect weight for where I am with this pregnancy. I do however look a bit puffy, espeically in the face. The doctor told me it water retention and that it will go away. Well, my Mom has been away in a different country for the past 4 months. She saw a picture of me on facebook and is telling everyone how she can't believe how fat I've gotten. Even when people stick up for me and tell them I'm pregnant she says yeah but she doesn't have to be that fat It really hurt my feelings and I can't figure out a way to not let it bother me. I have my baby shower in a couple of weeks and I'm nervous about people seeing me look this way. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can stop her comments from bothering me and entering into my head so much? I'm sure a lot of it has to do with hormones and I'm clinically depressed and not on my regular medication.

cchill01

21lbs is PERFECTLY on target.  And it is very common to retain water during the third trimester.  Every part of my body blows up.  My sister's legs got so big she couldn't fit in Uggs!   It's just a part of the whole package.  The good news is that the water retention is gone within days of birth. 

I hope you are seeing a therapist to work through these comments and your feelings.  I can't understand how family can be so cruel.  It sounds like your Mom has her own weight issues that she's deflecting on you.  I have similar issues with my family and it's taken me years to work through.  I have to say it only stopped bothering me when I was more mature, confident and happy enough in my own skin to just ignore them.  But, it was a long journey.  Hugs!

ericamanuela

I actually do see a therapist once a week. It does help but I wish I had the power to block out her comments. It's more difficult than I thought and I feel very self-conscious. I do need to learn to ignore, thanks!

jc0n15

My only advise would be to just keep worrying about the baby. You are taking good care of yourself and according to your doctor are perfect weight. Pregnancy effects everyone differently but as long as the baby is healthy try not to focus on what your mother is saying. Plus if she is only going by pictures that isn't really a good indications of what you really look like and she shouldn't base her comments on that. I hate taking bump pictures because I feel like the camera makes me look puffy when I really am not. Don't let her get you down!!!

ericamanuela

Yes, I need to redirect my focus. I couldn't agree more. I hear you about the pictures, I feel so much worse when I see a picture of myself. My friend posted a picture of us together on facebook.

MammaG27

It sounds to me like you are doing everything perfectly to keep yourself and your baby healthy.  You are a great example a perfectly healthy pregnant woman!  I understand sometimes its hard to see the weight gain, but you are right on track for where you should be.  Just think, your body needs to do what it needs to to make a baby, do not let anyone make you feel down about that.

Best of luck to you!!!

Davesgrl2011

I'd fight fire with fire.  If she says anything else, on Facebook (damn that facebook!) or otherwise, come back with "I'm pregnant, that's why I look puffy.  What's your excuse?".  Even better if this is said in front of other people.  Immature?  Yes.  A little mean?  Maybe.  But she is being mean and immature to you.  And she will certianly get the hint. 

As for weight gain, my OB gave me a breakdown of where you gain weight (2 lbs breasts, 2-3 lbs baby, etc) and you are like a textbook example of what the perfect weight gain is.  I know you feel uncomfortable in your skin.  I know I do, too, because I weigh more now than I ever have (I have gained almost 30 pounds!).  And it makes me feel depressed when even some of my pregnancy shirts feel/look tight.  But you only have a couple more weeks, and if you keep up the way you are going, I bet you will come out of the hospital weighing less than you did when you went in!  That's how it was for my mom for all of her pregnancy's (and you best believe she hasn't let me forget it!).  And I bet your mom can't brag about losing 20+ pounds in 3 days.

In the meantime, schedule a facial before your baby shower, even better if you can pair that with a massage and/or manicure.  Tell the facialist that you are looking to "de-puff" and she will use a combination of steam and massage to help release excess water.  Drink lots of lemon water, which will also help you shed any puffiness.  Go to your local make-up counter to find out how to contour with blush and stuff.  And most important- remember that NO ONE is going to be surprised to see a pregnant lady at her shower!  NO ONE is going to be looking at your "puffy" face.  I bet you a $100 bucks that you are going to hear tons of compliments on how good you are looking, and BELIEVE THEM!  You are pregnant, lady!   

JessieCupcake

Know that you are doing great! Your mom is being very hurtful. It's not you doing anything wrong; it is her! Even your fb friends noticed she was being nasty and stuck up for you. Definitely delete her comments from the pictures and don't feel bad about it. What she said is just plain hurtful and mean.

I wouldn't engage with her over fb. Like I said I would just keep deleting her nasty comments. But if she says something to your face about your weight, say something like "I'm actually right on target per my OB." Then change the subject. Also if she asks you specifically how much you've gained, tell her "Enough." Don't give her a number. Seems like she will say hurtful things no matter what number you say.

Also I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Definitely bring this up with him/her and they can help you figure out more ways to cope. Good luck! *hugs*

 

ericamanuela

Thank you so much for your message. I drink lemon water constantly. I love sour things so I literally squeeze half a lemon into each glass of water. I'm getting my nails done and a haircut before my shower. Good idea about the facial. I never though that a facial would help "de-puff" my face. Is there a certain name for that kind of facial or should I just describe what is going on?

I'm hoping that all this exercise will help me lose the weight quickly after the baby. I also try and do so much cardio because I want to keep my circulation going and I hear that labor is like running a marathon so I want to try and be in the best shape I can be (for being pregnant).

I really wish I wasn't so nervous and self-conscious about people seeing me at my shower. I feel so vain and that's not who I am. Thanks again!

ericamanuela

Oh and by the way, I apologize but I dont' think I was clear. She didn't comment on facebook (I don't think she knows how). She saw a picture of me on facebook and whoever she talks to in person she tells them how she saw the picture of me and cannot believe how fat I've gotten. Even when people tell her that I'm pregnant she'll say yes I know but she shouldn't look that fat. I guess I think to myself, if my own mom is saying this about me I can't imagine what everyone else is saying behind my back.

Davesgrl2011

I would just tell the facialist what is going on.  Make sure she knows you are pregnant, because you don't want any harsh chemicals.  But I know that I went in with puffiness around my eyes and she used a lot of steam, a mask, and a lot of gentle rubbing to improve circulation and it was amazing.  She told me to try cool, moist compresses, slices of cucumber, and showed me where to rub and use compression to help release water retention.  It really does work. 

It's funny, cuz I've been craving tangy/sour too!  I also drink unsweetened tea with tons of lemon, and I think that works well to.  Also cucumber water.  And avoid a lot of salt.  And keep in mind that a lot of cardio may make you temporarily retain water, so after a work out take some time to "spa" at home. 

 

ericamanuela

Thanks for the advice. How do you make cucumber water? Also, why does cardio make you temp retain water? Just curious.

notfrancie

I also want to avoid pictures because I can't believe how gross I look.  I have not been so health conscious like you and at 32 weeks have gained 28 pounds.  It's driving me crazy.  

Just remind yourself repeatedly that it is temporary.  You will lose it right away.  Seriously, you are at an ideal weight.  5-10 extra pounds after a few weeks of water weight loss and nursing will be no big deal with your good habits.  

As far as your mom goes, if she's not saying it to your face, you can either challenge her and give her the finger or just ignore her.  Know that she is probably the ONLY one talking sh*t right now, and don't blow it out of proportion to "everyone else thinks I'm fat too." 

Mom issues are tough stuff.  Good luck!!!! 

glowworm0166

I don't think you need to get nasty with her but there is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself either.  My mother in the past has been kind of mean about my (and my sister's) weight - particularly during high school and college.  I have always been in the normal BMI range.  I'm not skinny but I am not fat but it never seemed to be good enough.  I have been a pretty healthy eater too but I'm not crazy about it - I like the occasional cadbury egg.  One day when she started on me a few years back I just cut her off and said something to the effect of "Do you really think it is appropriate to constantly comment on my weight?  How would you like it if every time you put a fork to your mouth someone had a comment about it."  That seemed to stop things.  Not to say that I don't have body issues - probably in part because of years of comments - but at least I don't have to hear about it constantly anymore.  Maybe what you need to do is just be up front with her and let her know that her comments are hurting your feelings and what you need from her is support - not nasty comments.  Tell her that if she can't think of something nice to say then she shouldn't say anything at all.  And just remember, for your own sake, that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.  If you didn't gain any weight, would that be healthy for the baby?  If nothing else helps - go find one of those links online that show you how much of the weight is blood, water, placenta and baby.  When I realize what a low number of the weight gain is "fat", I feel much better.

ldbryan

How does your husband/significant other feel about you?  Hopefully he's telling you on a regular basis how beautiful you are! 

Davesgrl2011

You make cucumber water by putting about half a sliced cucumber into a jug of water and let it sit.  Also works well with sliced green peppers or any type of sliced fruit (other than banana which gets really mushy).

I heard from my trainer at the gym that working out a lot can make you very temporarily retain water- caused by the increase in body temp.  By the time you cool down the retention should be gone, but that might take longer when you are pregnant.

privadazul

Oh, don't you see?  Your clever mother is trying to teach you a very important lesson in parenting: NEVER belittle your children - it leads to hostility.  Clearly your darling mumsy just wants you to provide the best care for your little one - otherwise her attitude would be worth a kick in the shins. 

You've got to change your focus when you think of her hurtful comments.  Sure, they're getting to you because of the hormones.  But really, they're getting to you because they're mean.  Instead of spending time thinking about your mom's comments (something you can't control), spend time visualizing all the positive experiences you'll have with your little ones as they grow.