Families and money differences

MoFree

Is anyone else in a situation where there are large financial differences between the families?  My parents are working class and DH's divorced parents are both physicians in very well paying specialties.  If you are in a similar situation does it create and tension or competition between the grandparents?I am asking because my mother is feeling terribly insecure about the fact that she "cannot keep up," as she says, with my inlaws and doesn't want to look stingy or not generous.  No matter how much I tell her that a relationship cannot be bought (MIL being a perfect example, but that is fodder for multiple posts) she feels that what she can do is inadequate.  It is her feeling, not mine, and I am not in a bidding war. 

TJ1979

I'm sorry, that's an uncomfortable position.  I think you are doing all you can by reassuring her that is not the case.  It's a sensitive area. 

limpetfan

We have a huge difference in financial situations as well, only with us it's my parents who have more, and MH's family who have a lot less.  We also have a huge difference in who actually tries to form relationships and be involved (my family does, his doesn't).  It already creates a lot of tension since MH has a 4.5 year old son, and my family treats that little boy no differently than they'll treat the baby that's on its way.  His family seems to feel they can't keep up, and it makes them uncomfortable, but what they don't realize is that showing up twice a year hurts their "status" with my stepson a lot more than the amount of money they can spend on a birthday gift.  The 2 sides of the family do not talk at family events, which is awkward and we have no idea how to fix it.  

It's frustrating for MH and I, because we have to deal with the crap on both sides... but at the end of the day, we know it's not OUR problem, and all we can do is make sure the kids know their grandparents all love them.  

 

MoFree

limpetfan:

We have a huge difference in financial situations as well, only with us it's my parents who have more, and MH's family who have a lot less.  We also have a huge difference in who actually tries to form relationships and be involved (my family does, his doesn't).  It already creates a lot of tension since MH has a 4.5 year old son, and my family treats that little boy no differently than they'll treat the baby that's on its way.  His family seems to feel they can't keep up, and it makes them uncomfortable, but what they don't realize is that showing up twice a year hurts their "status" with my stepson a lot more than the amount of money they can spend on a birthday gift.  The 2 sides of the family do not talk at family events, which is awkward and we have no idea how to fix it.  

It's frustrating for MH and I, because we have to deal with the crap on both sides... but at the end of the day, we know it's not OUR problem, and all we can do is make sure the kids know their grandparents all love them.  

 

. Glad I'm not the only one with these issues.  It is really the loss for the grandparents who choose to not get involved.  i want tell my mother she is the one being ridiculous by basing a relationship on gifts and "giving up" before the baby is even born. 

In my case another factor is religious differences since Baby F will be raised in my husband's religion, which I converted to, and not the one my parents practice.  

Family relations are complex, aren't they?  

krismott25

aww that's sad for your mom. i'm sure she feels inadequate. but i would bet my last dollar when it comes  to spending time with your baby you're mom will have your mil beat in spades. and i'm sure your kid would rather time then money.

lovebug33

Sort of. There isn't a divide as big as that, but my parents have the ability to give us much more than MIL and it is difficult because she does feel inadequate. For us, we are lucky because MIL can quilt and she feels superior to my mother in that way, so she gets some satisfaction out of that. However, we don't tell her all the things my mom and dad buy us and Kinsley because it makes her feel bad, so when we talk about gifts, we only tell her one or two things that they bought instead of the five or six. It helps MIL feel better about not being able to buy as much.

 

MoFree

krismott25:

aww that's sad for your mom. i'm sure she feels inadequate. but i would bet my last dollar when it comes  to spending time with your baby you're mom will have your mil beat in spades. and i'm sure your kid would rather time then money.

. I wish that were the case.  We live very close to FIL and SMIL so they will be our child's primary grandparents just by geography.  J's mother is good at writing checks but is unable to give in the warmth department.  If I lived closer to my mom and if she were not influenced by my fsther's closed mindedness, she would be a wonderful grandma to a child who is a different religion.

Family relations are complex, aren't they. 

naybird

With me, it was my grandparents. My dad's parents were better off financially than my mom's parents and would always give us more/better gifts. But I have always been closer to my mom's side of the family. They are a warmer group of people and were always more loving and more fun. Honestly as a kid, the expensive gifts didn't matter. It's the relationship that you form.

byrne15

We have a similar situation.  My parents are pretty well off and my FIL is in deep finacial trouble.

However, FIL won't admit that he is in debt and continues to buy stuff for ds.  We don't really talk about the situation, but I really wish FIL would stop buying things for ds and himself that he can't afford.  I mean, he is a single guy living in a 3000 sq ft house, with 2 vehicles and a motorcycle with a ton of credit card debt (not to mention possible foreclosure on his house).

I feel like it will actually take foreclosure or something like that for FIL to stop his spending behaviors.

DeputiesWife

My MIL doesnt work -- and I honestly have no clue where she gets her money from -- she is the more materialistic one. my mom works and is somewhat frugal. 

Their money isnt that different -- but their avalibilty to come visit us is...

My mom, I feel like, feels insecure and sometimes hurt that MIL comes to visit so much and she just cant because she works. However, when we go home and stay with my mom, MIL gets all bent out of shape...she's the AW. Its annoying (post for another time)

I emphasize to both of them that its quality not quantity.

I am so sorry your mom feels that way - it isnt about the money as you said, its not about the monetary gifts or things. They are just things. I wish I had some advice for you.  I would just tell her that you would rather her spend time with your baby and love him or her than buy them things. The child will remember the time spent with grandma (or whatever your mom will be called) over the things that she gets the baby....

jillychris

Our issue is a bit different. MIL probably has more money than our other parents, and gives great bday and xmas gifts, but that's about it. My parents, while on a more frugal budget, are more willing to share. They are regularly buying clothes, picking up supplies, etc for my nieces and I know they will do the same for us. They actually paid for our first IVF and wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't think it would have even crossed MIL's mind to offer any financial assistance. (Not that I expected it, AT ALL, just saying she's not the type that would have thought about something like that.) My parents also come to visit a couple times a year. MIL has been to see us once (not counting the wedding) in the 10 years that we've been together, and that was only because she already had a work conference. Last year, she and her new husband were about 30 minutes north of here (she lives approx 8 hours away) and didn't bother to call and tell us they were here. I can forsee problems not in a gift giving equal-ness, but in that my parents will likely make more of an effort to visit more often, etc, so MIL will feel she isn't as connected to the baby.