Dealing with "you can always adopt"

LilMaggs · April 2012

If we move to adopt, it needs to be for the right reasons, and we're not even close to that point yet. Right now, an adoption would be 100% wrong reasons. Anyone we bring into our family deserves to be here because we wanted them, hoped for them, and loved them before they got here. Not because they're a replacement for something we couldn't have. Until we have those right reasons, and nothing but those right reasons, it's not happening. I am so ridiculously sick of adoption being thrown around like the solution to everything. I am sick of being told that once new baby is in house, reasons won't matter. They do.

How on earth do you resist the urge to throatpunch idiots who keep telling you "It's OK, you can always adopt"????

buckeyebaby814 · April 2012

While we're not there yet, I was talking to a friend shortly after my last loss and expressed how I was worried to try again and worried my RE would say IVF, which we're not sure is for us either. Then she said it, "Why don't you adopt?" I told her why that is such a hurtful statement and she apologized (she's not married or TTC so it's not like I expect her to truly understand).

I really like how you put it. Adoption shouldn't be a replacement for what you couldn't have. I think that's why my husband refuses to talk about it with me as even a 'what if' scenario. It really is a frame of mind that doesn't happen over night. I just don't get why people do not understand that.

shanrob · April 2012

And I love how they make it sound so easy. Like adoption is similar to standing in line for donuts. "Oh, that one looks good. I'll take two of those". They don't realize that it, too, can be a heart-wrenching, roller-coaster process. Ugh. People just don't get it.

stillbaking · April 2012

We've started dealing with this question too - it seems like it's everyone's solution. As if it's easy to give up on the dream of having your own biological child, or even go through the necessary process once you do decide that this is the choice for you.

I haven't found a good way to respond yet, other than "We'll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess."

My favourite is, "You know, when you decide to adopt, you'll get pregnant. That happened for so many of my friends." (A lovely variation on "just relax").

delino · April 2012

I haven't yet had that conversation, but I get very defensive if someone questions my choices and have no problem voicing how I feel. I find it similar to my MIL telling me that my insurance has to cover IVF after I tell her that it doesn't or my mother telling me that all I can do is just keep trying after I told her of my 3rd ectopic pregnancy. Really? How many ectopics is too many before you think it's ok to move to IVF? I think 3 is plenty. If someone told me to adopt, I would tell them to shove it and they should feel free to grow their family how they please and I will try to grow mine how I choose. This is probably why I don't discuss my TTC journey with friends or family. I'm not interested in their opinions. Wow...I kinda sound like a beotch.

1220winterbride · April 2012

rolls eyes, pushes past offensive "frenemy", hangs up on Mom.

I'm in the boat w/ delino...I try not to talk to ppl about TTC. I'm pretty much frozen right now anyway. I can't move toward adoption or anything!

although I am super jealous of adoptive parents, too. since despite the IF, they have a family and I don't.

LilMaggs · April 2012

And I just want to clarify that I'm in now way against adoption. Kacey and I have talked about it, talked about putting the finances in order to do so, what kind of adoption we'd be interested in. We're just not at a spot where we're actually ready to make that decision. In a few years, it's a definite possibility. I'm just not there yet. Not ready to trade one emotional roller coaster for another. Not ready to truly face feeling like a failure.

Shanrob, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's not going to a donut store. I don't walk in and come out with a baby. Yet people think you do. The same way they think peen meeting vag = baby.

AngnShaun · April 2012

I find that people that have never had to think about adoption are always the ones who say it. They have NO idea what really goes into it. {{HUSG}}

amidkiff · April 2012

I totally agree, I hate that question. I've been asked that a lot when I tell people this current IVF cycle is the end of our TTCAL journey, no matter the outcome. I don't just want a baby, I want a part of DH and me. I want to see my husbands beautiful blue eyes when I look at my baby.

And as much as it will hurt at first if the IVF doesn't work, it won't be bad to have some alone time with DH in a few years when my DD from a previous relationship goes away to college. And because we have DD it isn't like we are childless, DH has been around since she was 7, and she just turned 14. So he has been a huge part of raising her.

((Huge Hugs)) to all of you. Screw those people who think they have a solution for everything!

KGS2003 · April 2012

My sister hit me with that one last night and I was furious. I was on the phone with her so my DH called my other line from his cell phone to I could gracefully exit the conversation before I went BSC on her.

I know she meant well but she just doesn't get it. I'm AMA and my DH has a chronic illness we can't just get over it and adopt. Even though our journey has been long my DH who is adopted doesn't want to adopt.

I wish I knew what to say to stop the question too. If you find that magical answer please share.

Kpsbabyzoe · April 2012

I don't like it when people say this either and DH and I have seriously considered adopting even before we had problems getting pregnant. We've always felt really passionate about this and planned on adopting or fostering after our biological kids are grown up. But, now that we're struggling with TTC#2, everyone keeps saying "why don't you just start adopting now?" And I agree with what you said, it should never be a replacement, it should be for the right reasons. I just tell people we're not ready for that step yet.

Cissi64 · April 2012

I know it is frustrating but some people suggest adoption because they see you hurting and they want to help. I feel qualified to comment because we have dealt with IF, Adoption, one miraculous live birth and many losses. I've seen people here and on TTCAL reject adoption outright( not judging, they had their reasons) and I've seen people on the adoption board almost flame people for continuing IF treatment or not adopting ( Check out the first few pages of posts on Childfree -not by choice). Everyone has their own path. Some people will do anything to be parents and some will give up and live child free. Just like the people who have never had loss don't understand why we are still sad when they think we should be "over it", the people who risked everything to get and stay pregnant don't get why the people who adopted "gave up". The people who adopted don't get why someone would risk their finances and sometimes their marriage to pursue IVF when they could spend the same money on an adoption. None of it is easy. Even the "fertile hos" we loathe have their own issues and worries. They just seem less troubling when you compare them with what all of us have faced.

Cissi64 · April 2012

I know it is frustrating but some people suggest adoption because they see you hurting and they want to help. I feel qualified to comment because we have dealt with IF, Adoption, one miraculous live birth and many losses. I've seen people here and on TTCAL reject adoption outright( not judging, they had their reasons) and I've seen people on the adoption board almost flame people for continuing IF treatment or not adopting ( Check out the first few pages of posts on Childfree -not by choice). Everyone has their own path. Some people will do anything to be parents and some will give up and live child free. Just like the people who have never had loss don't understand why we are still sad when they think we should be "over it", the people who risked everything to get and stay pregnant don't get why the people who adopted "gave up". The people who adopted don't get why someone would risk their finances and sometimes their marriage to pursue IVF when they could spend the same money on an adoption. None of it is easy. Even the "fertile hos" we loathe have their own issues and worries. They just seem less troubling when you compare them with what all of us have faced.

I do agree that you have to be in the right place emotionally and financially to consider adoption.

EclairAngst · April 2012

It's funny how many people were shocked by how difficult our adoption journey has been, and relative to most, our path has been a cake walk. One of the things that kept me from jumping immediately to adoption was all of the misguided comments we had gotten (like mentioned above) when we were TTC. I didn't want to prove them right. Lame, but true.

For us, adoption was without a doubt the right path. There's no doubt in my mind, but I feel just as strongly that it's not a solution to anything (or for everyone). It's just another option that's good for some, not for others. One thing I never would have thought to share in order to combat the "just adopt" comments is the loss we felt mixed in with the peace of choosing adoption.

What I personally wasn't prepared for was how much we needed to grieve our hypothetical, idealized future biological child. It crushed my heart when I realized that our child would not have my husband's stunning green eyes and that our hopes of an athletic career similar to DH's and mine would carry through to the next generation. etc., etc.,... Really, it seems odd to grieve these superficial things, but they are real and went largely unnamed while we were TTC. This process alone was more difficult to navigate than any of the more obvious struggles with adoption and I wish it was easier to communicate it to those people who pass adoption off as "just adopt." Even if we were made of money, it's insulting to imply adoption a simple transaction.

I wish there was a simple way to convey to people how flippant and loaded a "just adopt" comment is. Coming at it from two sides, now, it makes me want to scream almost as badly as "as soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant".

Rawr08 · April 2012

I hate how everyone thinks they need to comment on your TTC journey, like they know what is best for you. I have heard everything from "You could just take some fertility drugs" to "I will be a surrogate" to "There are lots of kids out there who need homes". I don't really have anything to say to them other than "yeah.." I have started making comments about disliking children, loving my time with DH and such, just so people will stop asking me about our TTC shiz. I hope you can find a good way to deal with it, if you find one, let me know!

*hugs*