Telling others about IF

Mitzi Bishi

I am hitting the point where IF is too big a part of my life to contain it. All of this coupled with the fact that I live far away from support and don't have support here makes it that much more difficult. 

Has anyone dealt with having a DH that doesn't want to tell people? I feel so stuck and can't quite figure out what I should do. I'm not meaning to broadcast it to the entire world, but telling people like my Dad (my mom and sister know) and my aunt who also dealt with IF.

DH hasn't told his parents and quite frankly after this weekend I don't mind that too much, because MIL is full of wisdom, like "sometimes when people adopt something just clicks and then they have their own kids." (she said this in regard to something else and didn't know it hit so close to us).

So my question is how do I do what I need to do for myself while still honoring my husband and his reservations? Did you both just decide who and when to tell independently? I can see wanting to know who knows what, but man this is hard.  

delino

Have you told your husband your reason for wanting to discuss it with others?  Maybe if you explain that you need the support of others, he might understand.  Also emphasizing that you in no way want to scream it from the rooftop and tell the world might help.

Personally, I don't want to discuss it with others.  They don't understand and I don't want to discuss our journey to a baby with everyone.  My MIL wants to know what's going on and after my second loss she said to keep her posted and I flat out told her that I won't be telling anyone what's going on.  To me, it's a private personal matter and after she insisted that my insurance would cover IVF after I told her that it doesn't, I had enough.

My husband on the other hand, has no problem telling people.  It doesn't bother me that he does, it's just that I don't want to be questioned about it by everyone.

LaLe09

My DH had very similar feelings about sharing mainly due to the MFI diagnosis. I know he feels guilty and angry and embarrassed about the whole thing. It was very hard for him to talk about it initially and he didn't want me to tell people what we were going though. I hardly told anyone about our initial IVF. After our first failure we started opening up more. After our second and third, we have now pretty much told everyone. Most people know we have MFI, but not all. I try not to mention it unless the conversation comes to it.

I think my husband changed his way of thinking because he saw how much I needed support. And honestly, I don't think he wanted to be the sole person that I got support from. He wanted to share that burden. (And he should- it's too much for one person to handle). Also, I think he's realized that opening up has actually made him feel better about himself. It's been a long process, but in the end I think it's only helped us to be more open about it. I know now everyone feels this way, and to each their own, but for us it was the right thing to do.

I hope you and your hubby can find a way to be more open that is acceptable to you both. I'd just start out slowly and cautiously with who you tell and go from there based on the responses that you are getting. Maybe he'll start to realize it's not such a bad thing. Good luck.

4legsRbest

I am very open with my mom and sisters and don't know what I would do without them. I would feel very alone IRL if I couldn't discuss it with them and on this board. DH and I talk it about it all the time, but other than that we don't share this information with anyone else - I know his parents know something is going on but they live 15 hours from us and only talk once a week. I just don't trust the average friend with this information because I have been the receiving end of someone's IF journey and I bet they never thought I would hear their story in a rumor kind of way - it would bother me to be talked about by a bunch of people who don't get it.

DH has no problem telling people, but respects my wishes to keep it in the immediate family.

I think it is good to have someone to talk to IRL - have you looked for a local support group? I know the web-site, Resolve, has a link to local support groups - you may meet some new friends who you can laugh and cry with. If this one doesn't work for us, I am going to find myself and IRL fellow infertile to shop, dine, and hang out with. I could really use that friend today...

Big hugs to you hun, we are always here for you!!

Aegis2005

At first my husband was hesitant to tell people - and I think it was more his pride was hurt because our dx is azoo.  Once he started seeing how hurt I'd be by comments people would make, he was more open to sharing with people.  We haven't made any big announcements or anything, but if people start down the "you've been married four years and are getting older, when are you having children?" questions, we usually say we're having issues and have being specialists for awhile.

Whales124

We shared the information with a lot of people...after our first IVF failed I realized in hindsight it was not a great idea.  Our families both live thisclose and are therefore quite in tune with our daily lives.  At first we felt it would be too hard to keep the secret because all of our surgeries were with specialists out of town and it was so soon into our new marriage that my parents were insistent on being in the loop with everything and we didn't stand up to them.  My DH's parents would watch our beloved dog while were were gone, so we couldn't just disappear without explanation. 

I am snapping out of my naive view of IVF and now realize how long the road will be.  When we did our FET we told no one.  It was nice to have it kept just between us.  However, that being said I understand the need to have support - which is why my first inclination was to get as much as we could by sharing our story.  If there are a few trusted people that you are close to perhaps you and DH could agree on letting them in on your struggle.  It doesn't even have to be family in my opinion, could be close friends.  My sisters live on opposite coasts, so my everyday support tends to come from my friends.

I have a few friends that have gone through this and to be honest when they didn't hear me talking about anything anymore they figured something was up, but knew enough not to ask until I came to them.  It also helped to quiet all of the fabulous unsolicited advice I was getting (ugh, the worst) so that was a positive part of being quiet.

This board has been an immense help to me even though I haven't been here very long.  You have to do whatever makes you feel right and helps you to get through each day.  If talking about it to someone helps, then hopefully DH can see that and you can unload.  Good luck with everything!

PennyLane26

We made the decision to share our journey once we knew we would be going though with IVF. The only people who know are our immediate families (parents and siblings) and two close friends. 

I would tell everyone and everyone if I could, but because we are dealing with strictly MFI, I knew I wanted to be sensitive to DH. Once you share with people that you are doing something like IVF, naturally they won't to know what the issue is, I would hate to share that information about DH with people outside the family. He continues to struggle with the feeling that this is his fault so I respect that he doesn't want this to be public knowledge.

That being said, it is a relief to have the support of family. It's a hard decision to make. GL 

cnv1237

When we were going through all of our IUIs we told quite a few people.  Every time the heartbreak came it got harder and harder.  Now with IVF, I told my 3 closest friends we were starting it but didn't know when,  I regretted that choice as the questions started coming so I made up something about it being on hold.  I have only told my boss for obvious reasons, and my very best friend in the states.  I didn't tell my parents this time either.  I know at least I have my BFF to lean on, I don't need more than her and my husband.  I'm scared during my 2ww, but also hopeful.  I need her to vent to.  My husband is way more involved with this one the. He ever has which is a breath of fresh air.   

glueck

Oh Mitzi, I feel your pain. If it was up to MH, no one would know, but I needed just a few people in my life to talk to. I have kept it really contained, as I just hate explaining myself with every step. I hate telling the back story. Its exhausting. That being said, being an expat makes you lonely enough, and once IF is added, its easy to feel completely alienated. I just told my husband that I needed some support other than him, and I encouraged him to tell just ONE friend. Its worked for us. Otherwise IF feels like a dirty secret instead of a painful obstacle. Sometimes with  a *few* select people in the know, we can be lifted up to see whats on the other side of the pain, even when the obstacle remains.

AJ1280

We started out in a similar place.  The MFI diagnosis came back as kind of a shock so at first, I took DH's lead and request to keep it just between us.  It became particularly painful to keep it from one friend.  Eventually, I started going to an IF support group and I think once I did that, DH realized how isolated I felt by everything.  After that, he told one or two people, and we agreed to discuss whether, and who, we would tell.

 I completely agree with glueck that a few people can help to show you through to the other side of the journey.  There are times where it's difficult to have people ask about what's going on, but I know it's because they care and want this for us, too.  A good "we'll let you know when there's news to share" can nip those things in the bud, too.

  

Mitzi Bishi

Thanks, everyone! 

We are so torn. Last night we talked a lot and shed a lot of tears. This is brutal!

On the one hand I know that telling people doesn't really help. People are typically clueless and don't know how to respond, so they say dumb things that they feel make it hopeful. 

We just had a family wedding this weekend and the baby topic was pumped left and right day after day. At one point I had to leave the reception or fear the tears.

Now we're nervous we'll get "lapped" closer to home and it will be extremely difficult to keep the baby stuff at a distance without having more distance ourselves with the family. Unfortunately this is only going to get worse. 

One of the saddest parts of all is that my husband has no one to talk to about this. Absolutely no one besides me. I encouraged him to talk to his Dad, but he doesn't see how his Dad could keep it from his gossipy Mom. I told him to talk to my Mom, who already knows, but that's probably not something he wants to discuss with his MIL. 

I don't know if there are any MFI message boards or guys in similar situations that he could talk with. We don't have Resolve here and if I knew for certain we'd stay longer then I'd consider forming my own, but I'd be lucky to find any members, because being an expat is already so isolating. 

Jezebell26

My DH was like this in the beginning too. He was upset that I had told so many people about IVF#1. I too realized that was a mistake. But what can I say. We came out of the closet to our friends and some family and got mixed reviews. I explained to him that I need to be able to discuss these things. OVer time I have realized it doesnt matter who I told because no one has been through anything like this so they don't understand whether I tell them or not. It has made me mad that so many people aren't aware of IF and make ridiculous comments so I will be openly posting for IF week this month. I am not telling anyone about IVF#3 and hope to surprise people some day.

He made the decision not to and then eventually to tell his family. He didnt want them to be left out or anything. BUt i left that up to him and told him I was open wiht my mom but that was just the relationship we had. Now I talk to his mom about treatment and procedures but very vaguely. She has no idea what I am talking about anyway lol.

I had that "need" that I had to talk about it, so i have been in therapy for over a year now (yikes). I started seeing her again before IVF#1 when I was preparing. It was so great to have a back up support system for everything that happened. It has really helped me sort out my emotions and be able to better identify my needs and feelings too. For those days when I speak out and still feel like no one understands, as odd as it sounds, I know when I go to therapy and talk about my feelings, sometime they are justified and I feel like I am being "heard".

Sending you and DH giant squishy bear hugs. I wish this wasn't so difficult. And good luck with whatever you decide!

AngnShaun

My immediate family knows everything.  I email them all the time with updates.  My SIL has had losses so we tend to talk about it more and shes extremely supportive and knows EXACTLY what im feeling and she also works for a high-risk OB so she knows all the lingo...  my sisters dont really get what im telling them but they are supportive... one of my sisters had a loss.  The other two didnt.   2 of my cousins know because we are really close... and a handful of my friends know for the same reason...

Ive only came out and told the people that im comfortable telling to go fluck themselves if they say something stupid.