The feelings of IF never really go away — The Bump
Pregnant after IF

The feelings of IF never really go away

My dh, who i might say is pretty awesome, is nesting and was cleaning out all our storage areas. He came across the picture of the two embies we transfered during our second cycle. I couldn't help but be sad for those little lives. Although they never took and we have never suffered a loss of a pregnancy, I still felt connected to those babies. He put the picture up to my belly and said say hi to your brother and sisters. I'm so happy to be where I am today but IF leaves scars that will always be a little raw. It's certainly a struggle that will stay with me forever and even though we've had success I still don't feel part of the fertile group. I'm just praying for all those mama's and daddy's out there who are still trying. How lucky we all are to be here!
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Re: The feelings of IF never really go away

  • I feel the same way, I had a nightmare the other day about our a/s next week. I just keep remembering he is there, he is moving and everything is going as it should. No one should have to go through this or a loss.
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    Because of Undescended testicle at birth
    IVF #1 October BFN; 5 snowbabies
    FET: November/December 2011
    ET: 12/7/11; Beta 1: 12/16/11: 66 Beta 2: 12/19/11: 212! 1st ultrasound 1/3/12! Graduated 1/10/12: heartbeat 160
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  • I agree with you. I can't get over that I am going to show up to my a/s on Tuesday and the baby not be alive anymore. I don't think I am ever going to be able to feel safe about this pregnancy!

     

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  • Nope, those feelings don't seem to go away. Which is why I have a hard time relating to the fertiles and naturally pregnant women.
    Renee- 37 DH - Chad - 39
    2/06 - surprise pregnancy - twins
    3/06 - m/c 1st baby at 6 weeks 
    5/06 -2nd baby had no heartbeat at 14 wks.
    D&E - Bled out. Blood transfusions. Week in ICU - Cheated Death!
    Diagnosis: Blood clotting and bleeding disorder, immune issues, & cervical stenosis
    5/10 - 1st IVF cycle - BFN
    FET - 10/12/10 - BFN
    1/11 - IVF with PGD - BFN
    IVF - May - BFN
    6/11 New RE - fingers crossed!
    9/11 - IVF - 4 transferred
    10/13 - BFP!!
    It's a boy! Clint Michael, Due in June!!!

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  • What a touching post.  And what a sweet H you have. 
    TTC#1 since July '10. DH: Borderline Morph. Me: age 33. Hypothyroidism.
    FSH #1: 10.9 (E2 80.7). FSH #2: 11.8 (E2 72.6). FSH #3: 9.1 (E2 36)
    AMH: 2.6. AFC: ranges 9-21. HSG: clear. SHG: normal.
    After 3 failed TI cycles, 3 failed IUI cycles, a couple of c/ps, we got our sticky baby on IUI #4 (first with injects).
    Feb '12 Clomid/Menopur/Ganirelix/IVIL/Heparin/Acupuncture + IUI #4= BFP!
    Baby girl born at 34 weeks on 10/16/12
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  • It's really strange since I was once one of those "naturally pregnant" people.  I had no worries with ds's pregnancy.  I didn't think anything could or would go wrong.

    Now, I feel completely the opposite.  Instead of getting happier the further along I get, I get more worried that it will look even more like a baby when it all ends.  It is such a sick though process that IF gives us.

    ~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
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  • I totally agree and could have written this myself! Hugs. 

    Married '02, TTC May '05

    Dx -Ute cancer, DOR from cancer treatments, and embryo quality issues. NOV 2010 CANCER FREE
    2005-2011= 3 Rounds of Clomid, 5 IUI's, 3 IVF's- ALL BFN's
    After 7yrs TTC, 5yrs of ute cancer, and 11 failed IF treatments, we got a surprise BFP! So thankful!

    Gemma Grace born 09/30/12

    Phillipians 4:6,7

  • I totally get this post!  I teared up when I read what your DH did with the pic of your embies.  I have our previous embie pics for past cycles filed away.  I don't pull them out often, but every now and then I get the urge.  IF is so tough - those pics represent hope and for an IF'er that is important - and devastating when it is taken away.

    :::passes over pretty bandaid for your scar::: 

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  • I totally agree, Kris!  The worries will never go away and we are truly lucky right now.
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  • wow after hearing what happened to pretty accountant and her sweet sweet angels,i am infinetly grateful. i'm just in tears thinking about what she had to go through. no one should suffer through that. any complaints i've had just seem so silly. i am truely one of the lucky ones and i'm on my knees thanking God for every bit of it!
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  • I think IF changes us forever, even after we get pg.  I have the picture of two embies we transferred on my fridge.   Only one survived and my heart still goes out to the one that didn't. 

    I'm scared every single day that something bad has happened.

    TTC since Jan. 2010 DX Unexplained infertility
    3 IUI's w/Clomid & Ovidrel=all BFNs
    3 IVF (2 Fresh, 1 frozen) =BFN
    Jan 2012 New RE & Fresh Cycle =BFP!
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    TTC #2 October 2014
    Meet with RE March 2015
    2 Frozen & 1 Fresh IVF= BFNs
    September 2015 Frozen ET=BFP!


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  • I agree. I'm so happy and thrilled to be pregnant and as far along as I am, but I do still mourn my IF. I find myself feeling upset when I hear others are pregnant, especially if it was "on the first try!". Ugh! Maybe one day I will get over it... I dunno.
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  • I just found this board and was looking for exactly this post!  I will be 13wks tomorrow and I've been having a hard time getting through my IF thoughts.  We had unexplained IF and after 5 rounds of Clomid we found success on our 33rd cycle.  

    We are getting ready to go public with our news this week and I'm hoping that once the news is out I will be able to relax and just enjoy this blessing.

     Thank you for posting this.  I appreciate hearing from others that this is a common feeling in our situation.  It makes me feel a little less alone in my thoughts.  

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